It is human nature to want to be recognized and
appreciated for all that you offer the world. It is nice to receive compliments
from other people. This gives us a sense of pride and accomplishment. It lets
us know that we contribute to the world in a positive way. When we work hard
and pour our hearts and souls into whatever endeavor we undertake, it is only
natural for us to want validation of a job well done from other people. It is
perfectly normal to want outside validation at times.
Problems arise when we NEED this external
validation. There is a big different between wanting and needing. If I
accomplish something, meet a goal, or produce a job well done, of course I feel
good when I receive the appropriate accolades; however, if I do not receive the
validation that I want from others, I still feel good about what I have done.
Those who live to receive validation from outward sources will inevitably
suffer hurt, disappointment and sadness at some point in their lives. Depending
on other people for validation and deriving your sense of self based on what
others think of you is a sure way to depression and anxiety, along with
feelings of inadequacy and even worthlessness.
Those who lack a sense of self-worth and those who
are “people pleasers” tend to seek outside validation in order to feel worthy
of love and companionship, attention and respect. People who conduct their
lives in a relentless pursuit of approval tend to be the most unhappy
individuals. I had a client, whom I will refer to as Karen. Karen internalized
all of her frustration she had towards those in her life who seemed to
frequently take advantage of her. She was afraid to say no, because she dreaded
anyone having a negative view of her. She could not take pride in accomplishments
unless she received validation from others in her life. Sadly, that did not
always come. The hurt and anger she felt towards others was turned inward and
it manifested as severe depression for Karen. Our work together included
learning to set boundaries and say “no” without feeling guilty. It also
included restructuring her core belief that she was not worthy to be loved.
Ultimately, she had to learn her worth and really value herself, regardless of
what others thought of her. Karen spent a lot of time believing that she needed
others’ approval and that led to years of misery.
Listen, even the most emotionally healthy among us
feel hurt and disappointment when we do not receive the acceptance, approval,
and validation we enjoy receiving, but those of us who know our worth do not
NEED it to be happy or feel valued. Our sense of validation comes from the
inside out. For me, knowing that I am a child of God, and knowing that I was “awesomely
made, wonderfully” (Psalm 139:14), prevents me from ever feeling unworthy. I am
worthy because He said I am. I am worthy because He knew me in my mother’s womb
(Psalm 139:13). I never need to feel worthless, because God created me for a
purpose. He said He has plans for me! (Jeremiah 29:11).
For those of you who depend on others for your self
worth, this message is for you. You are worth so much more than you could
possibly imagine. People will disappoint us from time to time. They may not
give you the validation you want, but that could have nothing at all to do with
you. Stop looking outwardly for your sense of worth. You already have worth,
because your Creator said so! You are beautiful and worthy. Never forget that!
Own that, in all you do! You are loved beyond measure. God bless!
