As I am sure everyone can imagine, her death has
left our family reeling. After all, she was a miracle. She survived her brother’s
passing at 18 weeks. She survived the terrible infection my niece had developed from the remainder of Dylan's placenta that was left inside her uterus. She
survived a very premature birth and even breathed on her own right away. She
seemed to be thriving, growing from 2 pounds, 6 ounces, to 4 and a half pounds.
Then she quickly went downhill as we watched helplessly. I never stopped
praying. We had literally thousands of people praying for this sweet baby. I
thought that since God had already brought her through so much and since she
had already overcome numerous obstacles just to be born, God would bring her
all the way through and heal her. However, that was not God’s plan.
Now we are left trying to make sense of this. My
niece is amazingly resilient and she has been refusing to allow this to break
her. The hardest thing for me to have heard her say was that she actually questioned
whether God hated her, because that is what it felt like to lose not one, but 2
babies. However, she said she just cannot allow herself to believe that. She
said she is determined to turn this horrible tragedy into a triumph. She said
she is forever changed and she is determined to help others dealing with both
infertility and also parents of children with Down Syndrome. She said she is so
grateful for the time she had with Maddie, who was such a beautiful baby. She
already had a sassy personality. She had red hair and big, beautiful eyes. She
made the cutest sounds and the funniest little faces. She also had such
beautiful hands and they always seemed to be in poses, as if she was praying or
waving hello. Today was her original due date and she would have been 3 months old,
but it just was not meant to be.
I feel so much sadness. I grieve the loss of seeing
this beautiful little baby grow into a toddler, little girl and young lady. I
am sad that I will never see her laugh and play. I am sad that I will not hear
her voice call my niece, mommy, something she has wanted to be more than
anything. My heart aches for my niece and her spouse. They loved their babies
so much. They were able to briefly feel the unfathomable love that parents have
for their children. Yet, their children have been taken from them. It just is not fair, but I trust in the Lord and this is one of those times when I cannot lean on my own understanding, because I will never really understand this.
My family is very fortunate because we have
wonderful support within our congregational family. Our dear friend, Heidi,
said something that has truly comforted me. She said Maddie and Dylan are not
gone. They are simply out of our time frame. In other words, time does not
exist where they are. In Psalm 90:4, it says, “For from your viewpoint a
thousand years are merely like yesterday or a night watch.” When we are reunited
with Maddie and Dylan one day, for them, time does not exist, so time will not
have passed for them. We who are left behind are the ones suffering the loss. My
niece, in her tremendous strength and resilience, has made a conscious decision
to take her profound pain and turn it for good. She said she basically has 2
choices. She can allow this pain to kill her, or she can allow it to make her
stronger. She chose the latter. I couldn’t be more proud of her and she
continues to amaze me. In the meantime, I really do look forward to seeing my
sweet cherubs again. Until then, I will picture them together, playing and
frolicking in Heaven. That gives me enormous comfort.
