Things I Learned from Being Married

It is hard to believe that my husband, Eric, and I will be celebrating 25 years of marriage on June 5^th. That truly blows my mind! I am thrilled to say that after all these years together, we are still very much in love and in “like” with one another. Yes, I actually like my husband! He truly is my best friend and the rock on which I lean, besides God I mean. Having said that, I will be honest and say that it wasn’t all sunshine and roses between us. We have had some great years, but we have also had some very trying years. There was even a time when we almost lost each other. Basically, we married young, had kids, started to get complacent, we grew apart for a time, but then we realized how much we truly loved each other and, thank God, we grew back together. I can honestly say that we are closer now than we have ever been.

We did not get this way by osmosis. It took lots of hard work and inner reflection to fix the problems in our relationship. As a result, we have both learned so much about what it means to be married, what it means to nurture a relationship, and we also learned so much about ourselves in the process, and it was a process. So now, I would like to share some of the things I learned by being married. These are things I didn’t really know well enough before I got married but definitely learned, at a deeper level, along the way. Incidentally, these are in no particular order.

Communication is essential!

We have all heard this said, and a lot of us believe we know how to communicate, but we may not be as good at it as we may think. I’ll speak for myself here. I always thought I was an open book, that people always knew how I felt and that I was honest about my feelings. I confess that did not always apply when it came to my marriage. I fell into a lot of the communication traps that can cause problems in a relationship. For example, I ran on the assumption that Eric should have known what it was that I needed and wanted from him. When he fell short of my expectations, I harbored resentment. I wasn’t clear about my emotional needs and when he failed to meet them, my resentment grew, causing me to behave in, let’s just say, not so pleasant ways. That, in turn, caused him to feel that I didn’t respect him and he became resentful too. Neither of us really fully knew what our own needs were because we were so young when we married. It was through trials and tribulations, plus wisdom that comes from the willingness to learn, that we finally learned to really and truly communicate. Neither of us harbors bitterness anymore. We address issues immediately so they can be worked through and resolved. As it says in Ephesians 4:26, we “do not let the sun go down before you [we] have dealt with the cause of your [our] anger.” We talk about it and we resolve it.

“A  happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” (Ruth Bell Graham)

All I have to say to this is, CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?! In order to be able to let go of bitterness and/or resentment, we must be willing to forgive our spouse, sometimes daily, for both the big offenses and the small ones. My feelings about forgiveness have evolved over decades and I have learned a few things. Essentially, forgiveness is a journey; it is a process. We don’t just utter the words, “I forgive you” and POOF, all the anger is gone. It may be that easy at times, but, most of the time, it is much more difficult than that. When it comes to our spouse, let’s face it, we are human. Things are going to get on our nerves. We may even find ourselves actually filled with rage over something our spouse has said or done, but, in order to deal with those feelings, we must be willing to forgive our spouse. You must. There is no reconciliation without forgiveness. Also, you probably have done things in the marriage that require forgiveness as well. I have learned that forgiving Eric for past offenses was the only way to move forward and heal the damage in the relationship and he has done the same for me. Oh yes, and don't forget to forgive yourself too!

Marriage is a sacred covenant and not a mere contract that can be easily broken.

I can honestly say that when I walked down the aisle on June 5, 1994, I had not a doubt in my mind about marrying Eric. Divorce was not even a remote possibility in my mind. The same was true for Eric. I learned later how essential that mindset actually is when entering into marriage. The divorce rate in the US is over 50%. That is startling to me. As a therapist who has worked with numerous couples, I have found that the couples who got married with the thought of divorce as a safety net were the ones who usually were more vulnerable to the demise of their marriages. Let me add this disclaimer. Abuse is never acceptable, whether it is verbal or physical. I would never advocate for someone remaining in an abusive situation. Having said that, I do believe that some people enter into marriage not understanding or believing how sacred the marriage union truly is. Many couples enter into the marriage without a clear vision of what they want their marriage to look like. Many haven’t really discussed the major life issues to really know whether their views are compatible. Then, when the first sign of trouble comes, and rest assured, it will, they tend to give up too quickly. Their fallback is to divorce rather than do the necessary work to repair the relationship.

I am so grateful that my husband and I shared that value. Neither of us was willing to just give up on our marriage, and believe me, we were both tempted at one point or another. Ultimately though, we realized that our love was too strong, our bond was too tight, and nothing was going to destroy that. As my faith grew stronger over the years, I really learned and grew to understand the meaning of man and woman becoming one flesh. In my younger years, that was an abstract concept, but here is what I have come to understand. Man and woman, when they come together, represent the whole of who and what God is. The man is the authority, protector, and provider side of God, while the woman is the nurturer, caregiver, and life-giving side of God. Two equal parts of a whole are what marriage is. That is why what God has joined, no one can ever tear apart. That is one of the greatest things I learned from being married to my beloved.

Men and women are different and that is ok!

I’ve written about this many times before. I think I already knew this before I got married, but I really learned just how different men and women are by being married to a “typical guy.” Eric is a very masculine man. He’s a very practical and logical thinker. His defense mechanism when things are difficult is to problem-solve and think in logical and practical ways. He believes in and has cultivated the art of not allowing his emotions to cloud his thinking, especially when there are distressful things occurring. This used to drive me absolutely insane! I am the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I am a tremendous problem solver in my professional life, but when it comes to my personal life, I am very emotional, especially when I see those whom I love struggling. This used to drive Eric insane.

This difference between us, which is a very common difference between men and women, caused a lot of strife between us in our early years of marriage. I felt, at times, as if I was suffering alone during trying times in our lives together. I felt as if Eric was mentally checked out of the relationship. It was especially difficult when I was raising my twins. He worked, a lot, and I was a stay-at-home mother for a few years. I felt very alone much of the time. I felt like I was out of sight and out of mind to my husband. Meanwhile, Eric was having his own struggles. He worried about finances and was doing his best to keep us afloat on one salary. He had a jerk of a boss who made his life miserable. He started to feel inadequate, especially as my resentment grew. You get the picture.

As we matured and as we started to let down our defenses and learn to view things from the other’s perspective, we realized that much of our issues stemmed from misunderstanding our inherent differences. Bill and Pam Farrell wrote about this in their book, Men are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti. They discussed how men think in “boxes,” or they compartmentalize their lives. Women, on the other hand, think like a plate of spaghetti, where every aspect of their lives is touching and overlapping. I think that is a very accurate description and certainly describes Eric and me. Once we realized that, we stopped fighting those differences, and then we learned to use them to our individual and collective advantage. Now, when difficulty arises, Eric allows me room to be emotional and I yield control to him, since he’s great at staying calm and thinking clearly in a crisis. Now, we are a fantastic team and there is no more resentment between us.

The marriage relationship must be nurtured and tended to daily.

There are several insidious things that can ruin a marriage and one of those is something that people often do not realize until it is too late. That is complacency. This is a seemingly innocuous thing. We all get complacent from time to time. Between work, kids, house, family, we are so tired! I know there are days that all I want to do when I get home from a very long workday is sit in silence. I literally talk all day, every day, and the last thing I want to do when I get home is to be on the phone or hear people’s complaints. Sometimes, I just want to check out mentally. That’s ok, sometimes, but it becomes a problem when that sometimes becomes most times. Once couples allow complacency to set in, they stop attending to each other’s needs. They start taking each other for granted. Not only does the encouragement and positive feedback that couples once shared diminish, but the negative comments and complaints also increase. Couples find that they become hyper-focused on their spouse’s faults or shortcomings and that is when a rift between them begins. That rift leaves room for the resentment to grow. Once that resentment takes hold, a marriage, in which the spouses had left the door open to divorce from the moment they said their “I do’s”, is in serious jeopardy. To avoid this danger, spouses must make a concentrated effort to tend to each other’s emotional needs.

I have found that it doesn’t take much to make Eric happy and he has discovered the same about me. Daily, small acts of affection, like saying “I love you”, snuggling together, sending each other loving texts to let the other know you are thinking of him or her,  and so many other gestures, both big and small, can make such a difference in the relationship. Basically, we need to know from our spouses that they love us, appreciate us, miss us when we are not there, and cherish us. I once told my husband that not only do I want to know you love me, but I want everyone to know you love me, whether I am in your presence or not. Since then, he has accommodated that need quite nicely. I hope I do the same for him.

As I am typing, I realize this is getting a bit lengthy. I have so many more things to share about what I have learned from being married to my love for 25 years, but I’ll stop here. I thank you if you have made it this far. I just want to wrap up with some parting words to those of you who are married or hope to be married one day. Remember that you and your spouse are not enemies or competition. You are teammates and partners. You are on each other’s side, which means you must always build each other up, encourage each other, support each other, pray for one another and be the strength when one is weak. Marriage is supposed to be the shelter in the storm, not the storm itself. Protect it from harm. Fortify it with love and respect. Strengthen it with good communication and constant forgiveness. Supplement it with joy and laughter. Honor it by honoring each other. I truly believe that, short of abuse, any problem in a marriage relationship can be overcome, as long as both spouses want it badly enough and work hard enough to make it better. I also believe that God can rectify, reconcile, and resurrect any marriage, as long as we remember how sacred it is and how blessed we are to have it. I am blessed beyond measure to be married to my soul mate. May you be as blessed!

 

Until we meet again...

One March 1^st, I had published a blog entry sharing my feelings of gratitude for my precious great niece, Madelyn Joy. It is with the heaviest heart that I now express my deepest sorrow, because her story took a very tragic turn. She suddenly developed pulmonary hypertension, which severely damaged her lungs and heart. After a very tough fight from the tiniest of babies, she passed away in the arms of her mother, my niece, and joined her brother, Dylan Charles in Heaven, on April 24^th.

As I am sure everyone can imagine, her death has left our family reeling. After all, she was a miracle. She survived her brother’s passing at 18 weeks. She survived the terrible infection my niece had developed from the remainder of Dylan's placenta that was left inside her uterus. She survived a very premature birth and even breathed on her own right away. She seemed to be thriving, growing from 2 pounds, 6 ounces, to 4 and a half pounds. Then she quickly went downhill as we watched helplessly. I never stopped praying. We had literally thousands of people praying for this sweet baby. I thought that since God had already brought her through so much and since she had already overcome numerous obstacles just to be born, God would bring her all the way through and heal her. However, that was not God’s plan.

Now we are left trying to make sense of this. My niece is amazingly resilient and she has been refusing to allow this to break her. The hardest thing for me to have heard her say was that she actually questioned whether God hated her, because that is what it felt like to lose not one, but 2 babies. However, she said she just cannot allow herself to believe that. She said she is determined to turn this horrible tragedy into a triumph. She said she is forever changed and she is determined to help others dealing with both infertility and also parents of children with Down Syndrome. She said she is so grateful for the time she had with Maddie, who was such a beautiful baby. She already had a sassy personality. She had red hair and big, beautiful eyes. She made the cutest sounds and the funniest little faces. She also had such beautiful hands and they always seemed to be in poses, as if she was praying or waving hello. Today was her original due date and she would have been 3 months old, but it just was not meant to be.

I feel so much sadness. I grieve the loss of seeing this beautiful little baby grow into a toddler, little girl and young lady. I am sad that I will never see her laugh and play. I am sad that I will not hear her voice call my niece, mommy, something she has wanted to be more than anything. My heart aches for my niece and her spouse. They loved their babies so much. They were able to briefly feel the unfathomable love that parents have for their children. Yet, their children have been taken from them. It just is not fair, but I trust in the Lord and this is one of those times when I cannot lean on my own understanding, because I will never really understand this. 

My family is very fortunate because we have wonderful support within our congregational family. Our dear friend, Heidi, said something that has truly comforted me. She said Maddie and Dylan are not gone. They are simply out of our time frame. In other words, time does not exist where they are. In Psalm 90:4, it says, “For from your viewpoint a thousand years are merely like yesterday or a night watch.” When we are reunited with Maddie and Dylan one day, for them, time does not exist, so time will not have passed for them. We who are left behind are the ones suffering the loss. My niece, in her tremendous strength and resilience, has made a conscious decision to take her profound pain and turn it for good. She said she basically has 2 choices. She can allow this pain to kill her, or she can allow it to make her stronger. She chose the latter. I couldn’t be more proud of her and she continues to amaze me. In the meantime, I really do look forward to seeing my sweet cherubs again. Until then, I will picture them together, playing and frolicking in Heaven. That gives me enormous comfort.

How to Carry a Heavy Heart

 

 

Have you ever gone through a period of time in which it seemed as if you were so weighed down with worry and sadness and it felt as if you were carrying around the weight of the world? That is exactly how I have been feeling for quite a while now. So many things are going on with my family, that I am carrying such heavy emotions in my heart. I will not go into to detail, but let’s just say it all makes me want to crawl into a ball and sleep until it is all better. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of doing that, as so many depend on me. What helps me through times like this is the love that my family has for each other and my faith in God. When I am weak, He is strong. When I do not feel that I can go another day, he gives me the strength to continue. For that, I am so grateful.

What also gets me through these heavy times is my belief that the bad will eventually pass. Life is truly about moments. There are good moments and there are bad moments. There are even good moments among the bad moments. The trick is to look for those blessings. How easy it is to get stuck in the muck and the mire of the negative emotions that weigh us down. It is so easy to allow ourselves to get sucked into the quicksand of the negative. It takes effort to grab the lifelines around us to pull ourselves out of the morass and find the things in our lives that are worthy of the good fight. For me, I know when I am at my lowest and I do not think that I can keep up the fight, I remember what it says in Isaiah 40:31, “but those who hope in Adonai will renew their strength, they will soar aloft as with eagles’ wings; when they are running they won’t grow weary, when they are walking they won’t get tired.” The Lord has never let me down in this regard.

For those of you who are feeling this heavy burden in your hearts, you may be reading this and thinking that what I am saying is much easier said than done. You may think that I am trivializing the hardships in life. Please believe me when I say that is so not true. The issues with which my family is currently dealing are very serious. This is how I approach things. I have choices. I can spend every second of every day worrying and fretting, which will not only do nothing to change the situations, but that constant barrage of negative emotion would eventually take a toll on my mind, my body, and my spirit. Rather than doing that to myself and rendering myself completely useless to those who look to me for wisdom, guidance and support, I choose, every moment of every day, to give my worries to the Lord. I have no control over what is happening. I have to trust in the Lord, because I know He has a plan and a purpose for every person who is suffering. I can’t always understand His plans, and, to be honest, that is happening now, but I do trust in Him, because He never wastes anything, not even trials and tribulations. We absolutely can trust in Him and have faith, even if we don't fully understand the plan. As it says in one of my favorite Scriptures, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I would like to end with this. I really have no magic words that will make all of your problems disappear. I may not even be making you feel any better right now, but that is fine, because I do not have that power. Just know that trials and tribulations can make you stronger and wiser if you allow yourselves to learn from them. The pain you may be feeling from whatever difficult circumstances you are currently facing will eventually equip you to be able to help others who are facing similar trials. Also, without pain and sadness, we could never fully appreciate the wonderful blessings and joys in life. Pain keeps us from taking those things for granted. I have said this before and I will say it again; when things are bad, just trust that the bad will eventually pass and, when things are good, savor every  moment and be thankful for what you are being given. Finally, in your despair, just remember, this too shall pass. God bless!

So Grateful!

It is so easy to stew in your juices about what is not going well in your life, isn't it? Once you give in to that, however, you start on a negative spiral of self pity. Who needs that? Recently, I found myself thinking about all of the things I have for which to be grateful and there are many. When I allowed myself to ponder those things, I actually felt my mood lift and the negative things seemed to fade into the background.

With that, I would like to share some of the things that make me feel so grateful to God and just so blessed. It goes without saying that I am grateful for my wonderful husband to whom I will be married 25 years in June. I am so grateful for my now 20 year old twins. They are such good people. They are smart, funny, and so caring. They have such pure and decent hearts. They make me so proud to be their mother.

Our family received a wonderful gift on February 2nd, when my niece had an emergency C Section. Madelyn Joy (pictured above), my great niece, was born at 27 weeks. My heart is so grateful for her arrival. Some of you may have read my previous post about the her twin brother, Dylan Charles, who was lost at 18 weeks. Our Maddie beat so many odds to be here. Although she is still in the NICU, and probably will be for a couple more months, she is growing and thriving. She is so beautiful and my family, especially Maddie's parents, are so very grateful to the Lord for saving her. None of us will ever take her for granted!

I am grateful for what God has enabled me to do for a living. I always knew, even when I was a young child, that I wanted to help people. As I grew and as I approached the college years, I knew that, whatever I ended up doing for a living, I did not just want to punch a time clock. I wanted to help people and make a positive impact on the world. I did not know exactly what that would be, but I knew I would end up in a helping profession. Well, apparently, that desire aligned with God's will for my life, because He has enabled me to help people on a daily basis. Just yesterday, one of my patients told a few of my coworkers that I was his "angel", because I have been helping him with various issues. I couldn't help but feel so blessed that I actually get paid to be someone's angel!

I am also so grateful to have my therapy practice, because I have had the pleasure to work with some of the most wonderful and interesting people. I consider it an honor that so many people have chosen to trust me enough to be able to share their inner most thoughts and secrets. I am humbled by the fact that they feel safe enough with me to allow me to be a container for their pain. It is so wonderful to be able to guide people on their introspective journeys and help them to develop the skills they need to navigate the tough terrain of life. Some stay for a short time and some have come to me for years, but they all have touched my heart in a permanent way and my life has been enriched for having known them, for however long that was or how long it lasts.

I could go on and on and on about the things for which I am grateful, but I will just end with a few parting words to ponder. Life is difficult at times. There will be trials and there will be tribulations, but even in the midst of those things, we can always find things for which we can be grateful. Part of improving our moods entails the task of replacing negative thoughts with more positive ones. Today I am throwing down this challenge. Every time you find yourself lamenting about past woes or worrying about future events, stop and shift your mind to the things in your life for which you are grateful. There are blessings, big and small, in every day, so make it a point to look for them. Do not fall into the negativity trap! Fight that with the power of gratitude! You will be amazed at just how powerful gratitude truly is! By the way, I am so grateful to all of you who are reading this right now. May God abundantly bless you!

The Battle for Life and Overcoming

 

 

(Photo courtesy of www.BibleVerseImages.com)

I do not usually address volatile or political topics in my blog posts, but in honor of my very courageous and amazing niece, I need to speak about life in the womb. My view on this has evolved over a lifetime of experiences and the deepening of my faith. Today, unequivocally, I believe that life begins at conception. The experience I just shared with my niece, as she lost one of her twins last night to premature labor at 18 weeks, solidified that belief for me. It was the most beautiful, tragic miracle I have ever seen.

My great nephew, Dylan Charles, was alive almost until the time he was delivered. At 18 weeks, he was fully formed; with 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes. Although it was the saddest moment, it was also the most beautiful display of the miracle of life, and I say that being a mother of twins myself. It was such a roller coaster of emotions for my family. When my niece’s water broke early on Tuesday, we all thought she would lose both of the precious babies inside her womb. Since their conception, we had watched them develop. Just a couple weeks before, little Dylan was seen sucking his little thumb serenely, while his sister, Madelyn, was moving all around. We joked about how that little girl will be hyper, just like her mommy was when she was little.

Then the doctor gave us hope. He said it is possible that once Dylan was delivered, there is a 50/50 chance that Madelyn can still be saved. There were so many unknowns, but for the first time since my niece’s water broke, we had some hope. My niece’s labor went into the night and lasted all day yesterday. I went to work, just planning to stay in touch via texting, but I realized I simply had to be with my family and I had to see my precious little great nephew, no matter what his condition at delivery. Although it was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed, I am so grateful to God that he allowed me to be there and witness His creation, in all its miraculous splendor.

I also want to say that I have never been more proud of my niece as I am today. She has not had an easy life. She has had to overcome a lot of obstacles, including learning disabilities and bullying in high school. Through all of her trials, she never gave up and she has always been resilient. She has overcome the odds, time and time again. Her high school guidance counselor told her she should find a trade, because she would never make it through college. Well, my niece not only graduated from college, but she also achieved a master’s degree! With all of her career aspirations, the one thing she wanted more than anything else was to be a mom. She has always loved babies and has always been so good with children, including mine.

When she and her spouse decided they wanted to start their family, my niece discovered that she had fertility issues. After surgeries and hormone injections, she attempted IFV. She got pregnant, but then lost that pregnancy. She was devastated, but would not give up. She had surgery to remove endometriosis, and then she tried again. They implanted 2 embryos. They both took and we were all elated. Her dream to become a mom seemed to be coming true. Then, she was hit with this tragedy at 18 weeks into her pregnancy.

She has every right to feel sorry for herself. She has every right to feel angry and bitter, but her heart is too big and too loving for that. Even as she was waiting to deliver her 18 week old baby boy, she talked about how she would someday turn this tragic situation into a triumph. She spoke about how she would someday help other women who are going through the loss of a baby. She also spoke about how she may even adopt a special needs child. I sat in awe of her, and her spouse whom I love, as I watched their amazing strength through the worst situation of their lives. I always admired my niece for her resilience, but now she is my hero.

I felt compelled to share this story because it has impacted me in ways I cannot even explain. To see the range of life and death, and God’s grace through enormous tragedy, and not share that would be wrong. I am telling all who are reading this that life absolutely begins at conception. Life is such a miraculous creation of God. It is so very precious. It should never be taken for granted. I also want to say that my beautiful niece is a shining example of what we should all strive towards. She is a fighter for life, her own and others’. She never lets adversity keep her down and she will fight with every ounce of her being for what she believes in and for others. She is an inspiration.

I hope that you do not walk away from this post feeling sad, ashamed or offended. That was not my intent. My hope is that it gives people the will to fight for life, no matter how hard and no matter what the obstacles. Life is precious. Your life is precious. You can overcome whatever pain with which you are dealing and turn your tragedy into a triumph. If I ever doubt myself, I will remember how strong my niece is and I will persevere, just as she always has. Let her story inspire you to do great things, even if that means keeping an unwanted pregnancy. This is my plea; even if you feel you cannot care for this child, please, consider adoption. There are so many people out there who cannot have a child of their own and who would be happy to adopt your precious baby. I saw life grow in my niece’s womb. It is life and life deserves a chance. If you have read this post in its entirety, I thank you. May God bless you and may you be an overcomer, just like my niece.

Life begins outside your comfort zone.

This blog post goes out to all of those who are afraid to leave your comfort zones, wherever they exist and whatever form they take. You believe that life is too difficult outside that comfort zone. You believe you are kept safe and secure within the boundaries of that comfort zone. You believe that you are protected from bad feelings while you hide in your comfort zone, but I have bad news for you. None of the above is true. How do I know? Well, aren't you feeling sad, lonely and depressed right now? If the answer is yes, please keep reading.

Staying in that comfort zone is probably the most destructive thing you could do for yourself. You are isolating yourself with your thoughts, which are probably very negative and self-deprecating. The more you are alone with your thoughts, with nothing to distract you, the worse they get. The longer you stay isolated in that comfort zone, the more cut off from the people around you and the world you become. Your emotional growth is stunted and any thoughts of the future become non-existent as you wallow, alone in your misery.

You believe that staying in your comfort zone will protect you from any bad thing happening to you. This could not be further from the truth. Not only are you not protected from bad things, because bad things happen in life, but you are also keeping good things from happening to you. You are missing opportunities to experience fun, joy, laughter, adventures, love, relationships, friendships and life itself. You watch from afar as real life becomes but a distant memory and you find yourself feeling despair and regret, as life passes you by.

Please do not read this as a criticism or a rebuke. I am literally pleading for you to push yourself outside of your comfort zone, because your life is waiting for you there. Sure, it's a risk. Something unpleasant or distressful may happen if you make yourself vulnerable like that. However, something wonderful could happen too. Let's stay with the former for a moment. Why are you so afraid of something bad happening? Know this. Every painful experience, or mistake, or blunder, or mishap we experience gives us the opportunity to learn and grow. We cannot acquire wisdom without pain, because we learn from that pain. We evolve through pain. We emerge a better, stronger, wiser person on the other side of the pain, if we are willing to take that risk and venture beyond the imagined safety of our comfort zone. Then there is this; what if something spectacular happens? Yes, it is possible.

Here is one final plea. You think your comfort zone keeps you living in cozy safety, but you are really in a prison of your own making. No joy can be had there. No laughter can be heard there. No adventures can be experienced there, and no love can be felt there. You are alone in your unhappiness and the only sound is the sound of the negative voice in your head telling you that you cannot achieve any success in life. Well, that is just a lie straight from the pit of hell! That is not how God sees you and living in this prison of your own making is not the purpose God has for you! You were fearfully and wonderfully made; never forget that. So, you don't know what your purpose is? I understand, but I can tell you this much. You are not going to find it staying locked in the prison you call a comfort zone. You have the keys to your own freedom. Your purpose, your life, is waiting for you outside your comfort zone. Please, dear one, use the key and unlock the door. Take the risk; it is worth it. You are loved. God bless!

From where does your validation come?

It is human nature to want to be recognized and appreciated for all that you offer the world. It is nice to receive compliments from other people. This gives us a sense of pride and accomplishment. It lets us know that we contribute to the world in a positive way. When we work hard and pour our hearts and souls into whatever endeavor we undertake, it is only natural for us to want validation of a job well done from other people. It is perfectly normal to want outside validation at times.

Problems arise when we NEED this external validation. There is a big different between wanting and needing. If I accomplish something, meet a goal, or produce a job well done, of course I feel good when I receive the appropriate accolades; however, if I do not receive the validation that I want from others, I still feel good about what I have done. Those who live to receive validation from outward sources will inevitably suffer hurt, disappointment and  sadness at some point in their lives. Depending on other people for validation and deriving your sense of self based on what others think of you is a sure way to depression and anxiety, along with feelings of inadequacy and even worthlessness.

Those who lack a sense of self-worth and those who are “people pleasers” tend to seek outside validation in order to feel worthy of love and companionship, attention and respect. People who conduct their lives in a relentless pursuit of approval tend to be the most unhappy individuals. I had a client, whom I will refer to as Karen. Karen internalized all of her frustration she had towards those in her life who seemed to frequently take advantage of her. She was afraid to say no, because she dreaded anyone having a negative view of her. She could not take pride in accomplishments unless she received validation from others in her life. Sadly, that did not always come. The hurt and anger she felt towards others was turned inward and it manifested as severe depression for Karen. Our work together included learning to set boundaries and say “no” without feeling guilty. It also included restructuring her core belief that she was not worthy to be loved. Ultimately, she had to learn her worth and really value herself, regardless of what others thought of her. Karen spent a lot of time believing that she needed others’ approval and that led to years of misery.

Listen, even the most emotionally healthy among us feel hurt and disappointment when we do not receive the acceptance, approval, and validation we enjoy receiving, but those of us who know our worth do not NEED it to be happy or feel valued. Our sense of validation comes from the inside out. For me, knowing that I am a child of God, and knowing that I was “awesomely made, wonderfully” (Psalm 139:14), prevents me from ever feeling unworthy. I am worthy because He said I am. I am worthy because He knew me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). I never need to feel worthless, because God created me for a purpose. He said He has plans for me! (Jeremiah 29:11).

For those of you who depend on others for your self worth, this message is for you. You are worth so much more than you could possibly imagine. People will disappoint us from time to time. They may not give you the validation you want, but that could have nothing at all to do with you. Stop looking outwardly for your sense of worth. You already have worth, because your Creator said so! You are beautiful and worthy. Never forget that! Own that, in all you do! You are loved beyond measure. God bless!