5 Basic Rules for Fighting Fairly

 

Do you and your spouse fight a lot? Does that concern you? I will tell you what I tell my clients. Fighting is not the problem. It is how you fight that may be the problem. It is normal to have disagreements within a healthy relationship. You and your spouse are not always going to agree on things and that is fine. What is not fine is when the fighting becomes hostile, mean-spirited, or filled with anger. Often, I have couples say to me, “We fight all the time about such stupid things!” My response is usually, “You are not fighting about what you think you are fighting about.” When we are not honest about our feelings or when we do not deal with resentment the minute we feel it, we are allowing anger to grow and poison the relationship. Not only is fighting fairly ok to do, but it is also actually essential for the relationship. Here are some basic rules for fighting fairly:

Rule #1: Identity what is truly bothering you.

In order for your spouse to address whatever it is that is bothering you, you must own your feelings and be honest about what you are feeling. A lot of people are afraid to confront their spouse because they are often met with defense and they are afraid of having a fight. If you suppress your feelings, they do not go away. They tend to find their way out some other way. So, that knockdown, drag out fight you and your spouse had about one of you not changing the toilet paper roll was not really about toilet paper. Your attempt to avoid a fight did not work, did it? If you express your feelings using “I” statements, then your spouse may be less likely to react with defensiveness and anger. For example, “I feel frustrated when you don’t do simple things I ask you to do because I work so much and I need some help.” Your feelings are your feelings and feelings are not wrong. Just deal with them before the anger grows.

Rule# 2: Stay on topic.

In order to resolve an issue with your spouse, it is important to stay on the topic of discussion. Do not go through a laundry list of past offenses by your spouse. It is really easy to allow a disagreement to turn into a full argument, with yelling and screaming, if you are sifting through old events that have already been discussed ad nauseum. I had a couple that I counseled for about a year. They would often bring the same issues, time and time again, to the session. Often, they would get quite heated about seemingly banal issues. They finally realized all of the extraneous things about which they were fighting over and over were not really the main problems. In a nutshell, the wife did not feel loved by her husband and the husband felt that his wife did not respect him. Deal with the current issue and keep it in the present. Your spouse cannot go back and change offenses that have already taken place, but he or she can address the current issue, so keep it on topic, and then you will see change for the better.

 Rule #3: Do not use verbal stabbing.

Verbal stabbing is a phrase I use to identify the behavior of saying things in the heat of an argument to hurt your spouse. Others call this “hitting below the belt.” You love your spouse, remember? You can get your point across without attacking his or her vulnerabilities. Things you say in the heat of an argument can linger on well after the fight is over. I counseled a couple who had very hostile arguments. The wife often went right for the verbal stabbing. The husband was on disability because he had severe pain issues that resulted from past cancer treatments. He was very depressed because he could not work. His wife often called him “lazy” or she accused him of exaggerating his symptoms so he could avoid helping more around the house. This fed his negative self-image and depression. You do not have to cut your spouse down or make him or her feel less than he or she is simply to win an argument. There is no winning if you go for the emotional jugular. You are allowed to identify how you feel and you are allowed to address behavior that makes you feel that way, but if you want to fight fairly, do not purposely say things that will hurt your spouse. Remember, you cannot un-ring a bell.

Rule #4: Allow for cool-down periods if needed.

If the conversation gets too heated, then it is ok for you to recognize that and ask for a period of time to walk away and calm yourself. It is better to take a pause than let the argument get out of hand. If you start to yell, use verbal stabbing, or even start throwing things or destroying property, it is much better to walk away and gather yourself. In life, there are going to be issues that elicit a lot of emotion within you or your spouse. It is much better to acknowledge and accept that than it is to allow your temper to get the best of you. This takes discipline and self-awareness, but it may be a necessary step until you and your spouse learn to communicate better.

Rule #5: Schedule your discussion and set a limit.

Life is busy with raising kids, having a career, or both. Often, one spouse wants to initiate a discussion when the other is otherwise occupied. In these cases, it is perfectly acceptable to agree on a specific time to have the discussion. By agreeing on a time to discuss the problem, you can avoid causing more contention between you and your spouse. I am currently counseling a couple in which the wife used to incessantly text her husband during the day when something bothered her. When he did not immediately respond, she would grow even angrier, and then, by the time he finally could respond, she had already worked herself up into a frenzy of anger and resentment. Once we identified this, she learned to ask if they could discuss an issue later in the evening and she wrote down her complaints to keep her from working herself up before the agreed-upon time for discussion. This helped their communication tremendously. Along with scheduling the specific time for discussions, try to limit the amount of time you devote to an issue. Many problems can be resolved within a reasonable period of time with good communication. If you spend too much time on one issue, the discussion can become cyclical and nothing is resolved. Know what your agenda is, stick to it, and limit the time you spend discussing it. After all, you could be spending time with your spouse in much more enjoyable ways.

Do not be afraid to disagree with your spouse. It will happen, probably a lot, but just keep this in mind. You need to get to the root of your feelings. If a discussion turns into an angry fight, please remember that anger is a secondary emotion. There is always something beneath the anger. The more vulnerable emotions like fear, shame, and sadness, tend to get covered with a shield of anger when we become defensive. It is very easy to become defensive if we get into a disagreement with our spouse. If you can remember that you are on the same side and not each other’s competition and if you can fight fairly, you will find that you are building a mutually satisfying and fulfilling marriage, because you will always be able to resolve any differences. That will free up more time for the good stuff! So, fight fairly now and enjoy the fruits of your marriage later.

 

Mind Reading: One Stumbling Block to Communication

 Are you a mind reader? I am not talking about the people you meet at the carnival. Mind reading, according to Beck (1995), is a cognitive distortion in which one believes he knows what someone is thinking and reacts accordingly. Another component of mind reading is believing that someone should know what you are thinking and you become upset when one does not. This type of thinking can cause annoyance, frustration, and even anger within a marriage and it can certainly cause communication difficulties.

Imagine this scenario. Your spouse had a hard day and he or she comes home in a bad mood. He or she is irritable, not very talkative, and not very affectionate. If you are mind reading, then you are thinking this behavior by your spouse has something to do with you. You start to become very upset. You may start to tell yourself awful things like, "He must be mad at me" or "Maybe he is falling out of love with me." You ruminate on these thoughts, get yourself very upset, and perhaps you either put up a wall of defense or you initiate an argument solely based on your negative emotions. Meanwhile, your spouse is an innocent person who has no idea why you are so upset.

I had a client, whom I will refer to as Alice. Alice had voiced her frustration about her husband time and time again. She often complained about how he never communicated his feelings, how he never took the initiative to plan activities, and how he simply did not care about her opinions. The more we probed, the more it became apparent that she was doing a lot of mind reading. She thought, for sure, that her husband was thinking how unattractive she was because she had gained some weight. She believed that he was falling out of love with her and she became very depressed. Once she realized that she was projecting her own feelings of insecurity onto her husband, and once she learned to communicate with him, she and her husband were able to make progress in their relationship.

The simple way to overcome this type of mind reading is to ask. Stop assuming your spouse is thinking something and check in with him or her. Let us use the earlier scenario involving the irritable spouse. Let us call them Bob and Nancy. Rather than Nancy assuming Bob's behavior had something to do with his opinion of her, Nancy could have simply said something like this, "Bob, I notice that you seem a bit irritable and you did not kiss me hello when you came in the house. Is something bothering you?" At that point, Bob would have had the opportunity to share with Nancy how horrible work has been for him lately and how his boss is always breathing down his neck. He would have been able to apologize to Nancy and assure her that his behavior had nothing to do with her. This could have strengthened their communication and relationship. By mind reading, Nancy caused a rift. She missed an opportunity to help and support Bob during a difficult time and she created a situation in which she put up a defensive wall of anger, believing Bob was thinking something about her that he just was not. If this is a common theme in Bob and Nancy's relationship, then you can imagine the potential problems that can result. So, the moral of Bob and Nancy's story is this. Stop assuming you know what your spouse is thinking and just ask!

Another type of mind reading is believing your spouse should know what you are thinking. You basically are expecting your spouse to be a mind reader. You believe your spouse should know what you want or need at any given time and you become upset when he or she does not deliver. You walk around feeling disappointment, frustration, or anger, while your spouse has no idea why you are so upset.  Let us revisit Alice. Alice constantly asked, "Shouldn't he just know what I want?" Time and time again I answered, "No, you may have to accept that you must spell it out for him. He is not a mind reader."

Stop assuming that your spouse knows what you want or need and take the time to spell it out for him or her. If you find yourself feeling angry because your spouse failed to do or say something you wanted him or her to do or say but did not, and you have not communicated what you wanted, then it is simply unfair of you to walk around feeling this way. Your spouse cannot address what has not been brought to his or her attention, so, put your pride on the shelf, stop assuming your spouse "should know" what you are thinking, and communicate!

This may seem like a trivial subject, but I assure you, many marital issues begin as minor issues. Minor issues cause minor irritations that, if left unaddressed, can begin to grow into real resentment. Mind reading can cause terrible communication problems because acting as if one knows what the other is thinking or acting as if the other should know what one is thinking leaves both parties vulnerable to anger and resentment. If you are reading this and you feel that what has been said resonated with you, then I challenge you to start making better efforts to check in with your spouse. Simply ask if he or she was thinking what you are assuming he or she is thinking and/or convey to your spouse what you are thinking rather than assuming your spouse should just know. This small tweak in communication can help you to avoid major problems down the line. Remember not to let that root of bitterness grow and you can defend against that by not mind-reading. Good luck and God bless!

 

Reference:

Beck, J.S. (1995), Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Oh How Men and Women Are Different; Let Us Count the Ways

 

I need to start this discussion with a couple of disclaimers. Firstly, feminists may not want to read any further, because I will be reinforcing the notion that men and women are in fact different and some may consider this to be politically incorrect. I am far from PC. Consider yourself warned.  Secondly, there are always exceptions to the rules. Men can have more feminine traits, while women can have more masculine traits. The purpose of this discussion is to help married couples understand one another more. Having said that, let us now look at the many ways men and women are different.

1) We think differently.  I once read the perfect description of how the minds of men and women operate. Bill and Pam Farrel wrote that men think in boxes, while women think like a plate of spaghetti. That basically means that men tend to compartmentalize. They put things in figurative boxes and think about one thing at a time. Sometimes, they file the box away and avoid thinking about certain things. This can account for how our husbands sometimes forget things that seem easy enough to remember.

Women, on the other hand, think like a plate of spaghetti. Think about that for a second. A plate of spaghetti consists of many, many noodles overlapping. Sometimes, one noodle may not be distinguishable from another. It is a pile of jumbled mess. In other words, we women think about several things all at once. We do not compartmentalize very well. We tend to remember much more than our husbands do. We multitask better than our husbands do and we are reluctant to just file away our thoughts, like our husbands can do at times.

How this can affect your relationship: Men, when you compartmentalize, it can make your wives feel as if they are “out of sight, out of mind.” If they do not feel that you are thinking about them, it can make them feel unloved, forgotten, or dismissed. Knowing this, you can make an extra effort to let them know that you are thinking about them and the things that are important to them. Take a minute and send an “I love you text”. Give them a quick phone call to let them know you are thinking of them. Pay attention to what your wife is saying and let her know that what she has to say is important to you. Women, thinking about everything all at once can be exhausting and anxiety provoking. Just because something seems important to you at a particular time does not mean that your husband is thinking about it. If he is not, it does not mean that he does not care. It simply means his mind was occupied by something else. Remember, he thinks about things one issue at a time. What you are thinking about may be in another box in his mind. Just communicate with him and he will pull the proper box.

2) We express our emotions differently. In spite of popular opinion, men do have emotions. They simply manifest differently in men than they do in women. My husband and I are a perfect example of this. True to form, I am very emotional, while my husband is, well, not. Do not get me wrong. When things are good, he is a loving, attentive, and affectionate husband. When things are not so good, his inner Spock comes out. He is all logic and he is very calm. That can be a very good thing, especially when I am so upset and can barely think straight, but it can also be a source of difficulty for us. I have recognized this trait to be a defense mechanism for my husband. He simply must allow logic to kick in so he does not fall apart and so he can be my rock when I need a stable force; however, it can also inhibit him from really dealing with some tough emotions and it has made me feel alone at times. If I am the only one in pain, it can feel very isolating. It can also be frustrating, because, sometimes, I just do not know what he is feeling and I just hate that!

I, on the other hand, am very emotional. My husband never has to guess what I am feeling. I am basically an open book. I am passionate, expressive, and open. That can be good because my husband knows how loved he is by me. He delights in watching me pursue the things about which I am passionate. I amuse him with my humor and I make him feel secure with my nurturing ways. However, my emotionality can be very intimidating. My anger can be very overwhelming to him.-When I am upset, it can render him paralyzed. Sometimes, my emotions can be so strong, I may not even seem rational to him. As you can imagine, this has gotten in the way of our communication in the past. We have been together for a long time and we have done a lot of hard work together. Now that we know each other so well, we have learned how to compensate for our differences and work with them, rather than against them.

How this can affect your relationship: If these types of differences resonate with you, please keep this in mind. Ladies, just because you are not immediately seeing emotion from your husband, that does not mean he is not feeling any. You need to pay attention because his emotions manifest differently for them. Rather than making assumptions or trying to read your husbands’ mind, ask him what he is feeling. Be patient if he struggles to identify his feelings. Men tend to struggle with more vulnerable emotions, such as fear, sadness, or shame. Often, anger is a shield for those more vulnerable emotions. There is always something under anger, so you may try to help him identify those feelings. Men, remember this and practice this often: VALIDATE YOUR WIVES’ FEELINGS. Whatever you do, do NOT dismiss their feelings. You may not agree with or understand why your wife is feeling what they are feeling, but her feelings are not wrong. Allow her to feel what she feels and ask her to help you understand why she feels the way she feels. A little understanding and validation go a long way for us women.

3) We have different needs. The things that motivate men and women can be very different. I always tell the couples I counsel that in their relationships, men need to feel respected and women need to feel loved. In my infidelity recovery work with couples, and this is just my observations, I see that men have affairs to build their egos, while women have affairs because they want to feel loved. Men are socialized to be the strong providers for their families. They want to know that their hard work and sacrifices are noticed and appreciated by their mates. They feel pride when they are able to provide for their families’ needs. Conversely, they feel emasculated if they believe they have failed in any way.

Women need to feel loved, appreciated, and respected too, but love is our number one need. No matter how difficult things get, no matter what stresses from life are thrown our way, if we feel loved by our husbands, we can conquer anything. The happiness we feel from being loved fuels us and helps us to face everything from financial hardship to drama with the children, and more. Conversely, if we do not feel loved, no matter how great the rest of our lives are, we feel a sadness that simply does not allow us to fully enjoy the blessings in our lives. The feeling of not being loved by our husbands becomes a shadow cast over everything and sends us into a state of despair.

How this can affect your relationship: Remember what I said previously about how we express emotions. If a man does not feel respected by his wife, he may start to feel like he has failed somehow. His pride in himself is diminished. He starts to feel shame and may become depressed. He has difficulty with these vulnerable emotions, so his feelings manifest as pure anger and resentment. Although he may not be happy with himself, he projects this onto his wife and then starts to resent her. This leads to poor communication, a rift in the relationship and, sadly, it can leave him vulnerable to infidelity. If a woman does not feel loved, she feels lonely within her relationship. This loneliness turns to sadness, emptiness, and despair. She starts to question her self-worth and her self-esteem takes a big hit. This can cause resentment, which can lead to her feeling distant from her husband. She too can be vulnerable to infidelity if she feels all of the above. Ladies and gentleman, you must love, honor, and cherish your partners. You must make every effort to speak their love language. I highly recommend The 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman (www.5lovelanguages.com). Learn your own and each other’s love languages and speak them!

4) We have different roles. Another disclaimer: the following may not be considered politically correct by some. There are some things men cannot do that women can and there are things women cannot do that men can. Yes, we are different. We have different strengths, we have different gifts and we are built differently. More than that, we each fill different needs and different purposes. This is not something to be fought, to complain about, or to resist; this is something to be embraced and celebrated.

In my marriage, my husband and I have settled into our roles. We have learned to accept and even celebrate each other’s strengths and we have learned to work around and support each other in our weaknesses. I do the cooking, because, quite frankly, my husband would burn water! He does the mowing of the lawn because I am highly allergic to fresh-cut grass. One whiff and my face looks like Rocky after a fight. Plus, I really hate yard work! You and your spouse need to figure out your roles and work with each other’s strengths and support each other in your weaknesses.

How this can affect your relationship: Roles can be a tricky thing, especially if one or both partners feel as if they are not succeeding in their roles. For example, men tend to be the breadwinners in the relationship. If they are not financially successful, they may feel inadequate and that can lead to depression. Depression in men often presents as anger. Remember, they have difficulty expressing vulnerable emotions. Women are typically the caregivers. If they feel they are not doing well with raising the children, their self-esteem can be negatively affected. Their sense of self-worth may suffer. When women feel inadequate, it can adversely affect their expression of affection. These are just examples to illustrate how the roles we fill can affect how we see ourselves. It is ok to ask your spouse for help and it is essential for spouses to offer words of encouragement. Remember, you are a team.

God created men and women differently for a reason. Marriage is so sacred. When a man and a woman come together as one flesh, it is a representation of who God is. The man represents the authority part of God. He is the provider. The woman represents the life-giving part of God. She is the nurturer and giver of life. If you think of it in these terms, is not that a beautiful concept? Our roles are not more important than our spouses’. They are different but equally important. Our differences are not something to fear or resist. Once we understand these differences, our assumptions and the ways we interact can change. We can have more patience for our spouses, more empathy, and more love for them. Remember, different does not mean unequal. Enjoy each other! God bless.

8 Rules to Help your Spouse Heal from Infidelity

 

PLEASE NOTE: This article was originally published in 2015

I am sure you have heard the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, but that is not always true. In my experience counseling couples recovering from infidelity, I have observed that cheaters fall into one of 3 main categories. First, there is the Narcissist. This type is the serial cheater who has no remorse and may even feel entitled to cheat, simply because he or she wants to. This is the type who probably will continue to cheat, whether he or she is caught or not. The second type is the addict. This person is either addicted to sex or addicted to the excitement of having “the forbidden fruit”. This type may actually have remorse but may need professional help to stop. Finally, the third type is your average person. There may or may not be marital issues, but this person usually enters the slippery slope of befriending someone of the opposite sex. The “friendship” grows very important to this person. The cheater may begin by sharing personal information about the marital issues and there may be more and more time and energy invested into the “friendship” until the cheater slides into an emotional affair, a physical affair or both. Most of the time, this person has remorse and when faced with the possibility of losing his or her marriage, he or she desperately seeks to heal the marriage. If you are reading this and you have cheated, and if you fit into category number 3, please take the following rules of infidelity recovery seriously, that is, of course, if you want to save your marriage.

Rule #1: Immediately cut contact with the other person (OP).

This is rule number one for a reason. In order to be fully emotionally available to your hurting spouse, you must not be emotionally connected to the OP. You must cut contact completely and fully. I will use the analogy of the alcoholic. In order for an alcoholic to stay clean and sober, he must never take another alcoholic beverage again. He must remove himself from the people, places, and things that tempt him. He must learn new coping skills so that the need for alcohol disappears. You must sever the attachment you had with the OP completely so that you can emotionally re-attach to your spouse. Remember, you took vows with your spouse, not the OP. You owe the OP nothing. He or she knew you were married when he or she chose to have an affair with a married person. Just like all of us, the OP must deal with the consequences of his or her choices and actions.

 This rule gets a bit tricky if the affair partner was a co-worker; however, if your betrayed spouse is too tortured by you working with the OP, you may need to find other employment. I am not suggesting that you quit immediately. I understand that finances may be tough and you cannot leave your present job until you find another one, but if you want to save your marriage, you may need to consider this. While you are still in your present job and if you still work with the OP, you must take all measures to limit contact to work-related issues only and never communicate outside of the workplace. Make your boundaries clear and known to the OP. Again, remember, you took vows with your spouse, not the OP, and you owe the OP nothing. In her book, Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass explains that a committed relationship has walls (or boundaries) that protect the relationship from harm. When one enters into an affair, the affair partner gets a window into the marital relationship, while the spouse has a wall of secrecy between him or her and the affair relationship. To heal your marriage, the window and the wall must be reversed. We will return to this analogy again.

Rule#2: Allow complete access and transparency.

Transparency means it is time to open the books, figuratively and literally. Give your spouse access to cell phones, email, and social media accounts. Give your spouse all of your passwords. Not only should you expect your spouse to check on you for a while, you should want him or her to check. Basically, your betrayed spouse must catch you “being good” in order to be able to trust you again. 

I often see a lot of resistance from cheating spouses on this rule. They believe they still have a right to their privacy. They do not want to be treated like a child and they feel insulted, because they “swear” they have ended the affair. My simple response to these objections is this. Do want your privacy or do you want to save your marriage? You saying “I swear” now means nothing. You have destroyed the blind, unconditional trust your spouse once had in you. Your spouse’s world has been blown apart by your lies and betrayal. This is an extreme situation and extreme situations call for extreme measures. For now, you must give up your “right” to privacy. I promise you that if you do this, after a period of time of being caught being good, your spouse’s need to check up on you will diminish. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Is this not the least you can do to help your spouse heal?

Rule #3: Be accountable.

This goes along with being transparent. Basically, being accountable means being where you say you are going to be when you say you are going to be there. It means following through with your promises. It means having an explanation if you are late and not meeting questions with defensiveness or resistance.

This rule becomes difficult for some cheating spouses because it can get tiresome having to detail every move that is made. This can be scary for some.  I recently counseled a couple in which the husband was the cheating spouse. He really resisted this rule. He told his betrayed wife that he did not want to spend his life “living under a microscope”. In his case, he still felt a lot of shame about what he had done, and having to be accountable for every step he took just fed his feelings of shame. I understand that adults in a committed relationship do not think they should have to tell their spouse every time they run an errand or go to lunch with some coworkers, but this is a different circumstance. That would be true if the trust your spouse had for you was still intact, but it is not and that is your fault. Are you willing to help your spouse trust you again so you can save your marriage? How is this rule looking now?

Rule #4: Answer all of your spouse’s questions completely and honestly.

This rule is sometimes difficult for the cheating spouse to understand. He or she may wonder why the betrayed spouse needs to hear all of the nitty-gritty details of the affair. Often, the initial inclination for the cheating spouse is to leave out details, downplay certain events, or do something that is referred to as “trickle truthing” (Glass, 2003), which is the act of admitting to the details of the affair little by little to avoid the distress of the betrayed spouse learning the entirety of the offense. A cheating spouse has many reasons to trickle truth. He or she may think he or she is protecting the betrayed spouse from further hurt. He or she may be protecting himself or herself from further shame, or he or she may even be protecting the OP to some extent. Let me be absolutely clear here. You are not protecting your spouse. If there are details you have not revealed to your spouse and they are found out some other way, the damage that will result will be far worse than your spouse knowing the entire truth of your betrayal. Each discovery of new information or details sets your betrayed spouse back, so answer the questions as they are asked, no matter how difficult and uncomfortable it may be.

Let me share what one of my clients told her husband when he could not understand why she was asking so many specific questions about his affair with a coworker. She told him this, “I feel as if another woman is walking around with knowledge of my husband that only I should know. I feel as if she has stolen a piece of you from me. The only way for me to feel that I have you back fully is if I know everything she knows.” As hard as it is for the betrayed spouse to hear the intimate details of your affair, you need to be completely honest and specific about what you did. If things do not make sense in the mind of the betrayed spouse because you left out significant details, he or she will try to fill the gaps in their mind. Sometimes what goes on in the imagination of the betrayed spouse is far worse than what actually took place. Not only are you not protecting your spouse from further pain by hiding details, but you are also actually causing more pain and turmoil for your spouse. As hard as it may be, you must answer the questions about the affair, honestly and completely. That way, your spouse will know that you are able to tell the truth, no matter how difficult it is for you. That is how you earn back trust.

Rule #5: Allow your spouse to set the pace of recovery, NOT YOU!

The process of recovering from infidelity for couples is a very long and hard one. There are many ups and downs, bumps in the road, and setbacks, for both the cheating spouse and the betrayed spouse. The one who cheated may feel deep remorse and he or she may feel as if they have done everything they can do to help the hurting spouse. All they want to do is put their egregious act behind them and move forward. That is all well and good, but that is unrealistic and unfair. Experts agree that it takes at least 2-5 years for a couple to get past an affair and return to a state of normalcy within the relationship again (Bercht, 2004; Glass, 2003).

Here is an example from another couple I counseled; we will call them Jack and Karen. Jack cheated on Karen and the affair ended when Karen found out about Jack’s infidelity when she overheard him talking on the phone. Jack was very patient and nurturing at first. He answered all of Karen’s questions, but he grew impatient after a while. Karen started to ask repetitive questions. At times, she argued with Jack because she did not like the answers she heard, and this frustrated Jack to no end. One day, out of sheer exhaustion and exasperation, he asked, “How long is she going to keep me hanging on the cross like this?” My response was, “As long as it takes.” I then shared an analogy a colleague once shared with me, “You see your wife is struggling to climb the mountain. You have already reached the top and you are tired of looking down the mountain since you want to keep moving, but your wife is struggling to get to the top. She is stuck. You cannot yell down to her from the top saying, ‘Hurry up and get here already. We need to keep moving forward!’ You have to get down there and help her climb.” You inflicted trauma upon your spouse. Why do you expect him or her to suffer in silence? It does not matter if your affair lasted a few days or a few years; you betrayed your spouse and it is going to take a lot of time and work for your spouse to resolve the trauma and grief over the loss of the purity of the marriage. This you must accept. Your betrayed spouse dictates the timeframe of recovery; not you.

Rule #6: Offer constant encouragement, reassurance, and apologies if necessary.

In his book Relationship Rescue (2000), and on his popular daytime TV show, Dr. Phil McGraw said that the one who cheats is solely responsible for his or her affair. No matter what problems exist in the relationship and no matter how the betrayed spouse behaves, he or she did not make you cheat. You chose to do that. There are ways to deal with unhappiness in a marriage, but I assure you, cheating is absolutely not one of them. Cheating is merely a way to escape and avoid dealing with either marital issues or your own personal shortcomings. Cheating is about ego. It is selfish. Short of holding a gun to your head and forcing you to go outside the marriage, your spouse is not to blame for your affair. Own your stuff fully.

In owning your stuff, you must take full responsibility for your choice to cheat. Forget about the excuses, “I did not mean for it to happen” or “I never meant to hurt you.” Guess what. It did happen by choice; it was no accident. You may not have meant to hurt your spouse, but you did, badly. It will take you fully owning what you did, expressing remorse, and constantly reassuring your spouse that you will never repeat this mistake again for him or her to fully heal. As many times as you think you have apologized, do it again and again if your spouse needs you to. You turned your spouse’s world upside down. You were the one your spouse thought he or she could always count on and you were the one who caused your spouse more pain than he or she could ever have imagined. Do you think having to constantly apologize is hard? Well, think about how hard it is to be your spouse right now. Do you want to make amends and save your marriage? Then get over it!

Rule #7: Protect the marriage.

Protecting the marriage is a multi-faceted endeavor. It involves what I mentioned earlier, which is reversing the window and the wall. The OP must have no access to you or to your marriage and you have to start letting your spouse in on what you did, why you did it, and how you were able to do it. This takes maturity and a lot of introspection. You have to know why and how you were able to go outside your marriage and break your marriage vows. Only when you fully own your behavior and learn from your mistakes can you avoid repeating the problematic behavior.

Protecting the marriage also entails surrounding yourself with “friends of the marriage” (Bercht, 2004; Glass, 2003). This means that you must have people in your life who support your marriage, who support your choice to save the marriage, and who do not try and undermine or sabotage the process. I counseled a couple in which the husband, I will call him Ron, was the cheater. Ron’s best friend was still single and it was obvious that he did not like Ron’s wife very much. Ron’s friend constantly talked badly about Ron’s wife and he frequently encouraged Ron to leave his wife. It confused Ron and deeply hurt his wife. Ron had been friends with this man for several years and his allegiance was split. If you are in a similar situation as Ron, I am sorry to tell you that if you want to save your marriage, you may have to cut this type of toxic person from your life. If people around you do not support you in this very important and difficult infidelity recovery process, then you need to let them go.

Protecting the marriage also means refraining from speaking badly about your spouse. The protective wall around the marriage means that outsiders are not privy to the problems within the walls. That is a private matter between a husband and wife. If you have trusted friends of the marriage and you need to talk, then do so, but only with friends of the same gender. By speaking badly about your spouse to anyone and everyone, you are making yourself vulnerable. Along with refraining from speaking ill of your spouse, you must also refrain from flirting with those of the opposite sex. By doing so, you are not only inviting trouble, but you are disrespecting your spouse. To those who have little regard for the institution of marriage, flirting gives the impression that you do not care about your spouse’s feelings. If you do not care, why should they?

What I am about to suggest is very controversial and many may not agree, but this part of protecting the marriage is crucial, especially in the beginning stages of infidelity recovery. You cannot have close friendships with those of the opposite sex. Under normal circumstances, it may be possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without your spouse feeling threatened or jealous, but these are not normal circumstances, and, do not forget, that is your fault. Do not have lunch alone with someone of the opposite sex, no coffee, no extended conversations, and no social activities with someone of the opposite sex. Do not forget also that you were initially “just friends” with your affair partner. You have already proven that you do not understand healthy boundaries, so it is absolutely unrealistic for you to expect that your spouse will be comfortable with you having a close friendship with a person of the opposite sex now. I will use this analogy to help you understand better. If you are on a diet and you love chocolate, you would not keep fudge brownies in the house. Sure, your resolve may be strong for the moment and you may even be able to resist those brownies, but you are still vulnerable and you still need to learn why you turned to food for comfort. It is much better to keep the brownies out of the house until you fully understand your weakness for chocolate. Sure, you may be able to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, but you first need to learn what healthy boundaries entail and you need to understand how you were vulnerable to having an affair. Is it worth torturing your spouse and risking your marriage to prove you can handle such a friendship?  I do not think it is.

Rule #8: Agree to go to marriage counseling.

All of the preceding rules are difficult to follow, especially if the cheating spouse is still rationalizing and justifying his or her choice to cheat. The betrayed spouse has every right to the range of emotions he or she will inevitably be feeling. The betrayed spouse experiences both a trauma effect and a grief response when an affair is discovered. Some betrayed spouses may even suffer a post-traumatic response similar to that of PTSD. The grief comes from the loss of the security he or she once felt. There is a loss of trust. There is a feeling of being violated by the OP. There could also be other fallout from affairs such as sexually transmitted diseases or even pregnancies. So much damage has been caused. With such intense emotions, you most certainly need guidance from a professional to sift through the aftermath of your indiscretion.

It is essential to find a therapist who is experienced in helping couples through infidelity recovery. Dr. Glass addresses this issue in Not Just Friends. Her premise is that if couples are not progressing in therapy, it may not be because the marriage cannot be saved, but because the couple has an inexperienced therapist who may side with one spouse over the other or who may be obviously judgmental. A good therapist who is experienced in the field of infidelity recovery will impartially guide a couple through the process, gently holding the cheating spouse accountable, while helping him or her understand what led him or her to infidelity. Once the infidelity issues are fully dealt with, then and only then can the couple deal with the marital issues. The betrayed spouse must own his or her contribution to the marital issues, but, to repeat, the cheating spouse is 100% responsible for his or her affair.

I would like to end this discussion with some words of encouragement. Couples can survive infidelity. Not only can they survive, but they can also thrive. The journey through infidelity recovery forces both spouses to do an enormous amount of introspection. Both can learn so much about themselves and they may even resolve old issues that needed to be addressed but may not have been had the infidelity not occurred. Relationships are kicked from their complacency, forcing couples to look at what was not working between them. Spouses learn about both themselves and about each other and they may become closer than they have ever been. They learn that marriage is precious and that it takes work, but they also learn that it is worth the effort. No one would ever choose to be betrayed and hurt, but since it did happen, since you, the cheating spouse, chose to go outside the marriage, good can come from this enormous mistake, but only if you do the work and follow the rules to help your spouse heal from your infidelity. Good luck and God bless.

References:

Bercht, A. (2004). My Husband’s Affair became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.    

       Victoria B.C.: Trafford.

Glass, S.P. (2003). Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After

Infidelity. New York: Free Press.

       McGraw, P.C. (2000). Relationship Rescue: A seven Step Strategy For Reconnecting With

            Your Partner. New York: Hyperion.

Encouragement for the Betrayed

PLEASE NOTE: This article was originally published in 2015

I felt compelled to write this blog post as a follow-up to my previous post entitled “8 Rules to Help Your Spouse Heal From Infidelity.” This post is directed to all of you who were betrayed by your spouse’s infidelity. I read some of the comments that resulted from my blog post and, let us just say, some were very negative. Some examples included, “People who cheat do not love their spouse.” Or “once a cheater, always a cheater” or “if they loved their spouse in the first place, they would not have cheated.” I am here to tell you the above statements are not necessarily true! The focus of this post is not to explain all of the possible reasons someone commits adultery. That is for another discussion. My sole purpose is to encourage those of you who were betrayed and who have decided to stay and fight for your marriage.

Negative comments such as those stated above can undoubtedly make you feel numerous things. One thing we all need to understand is this. People are not all good or all bad. These qualities can exist simultaneously. Therefore, by extension, people can both love their spouse and cheat, mainly because cheating is not about love or a lack thereof, but it is about ego. Basically, good people can make bad choices and bad mistakes, having nothing to do with their spouse. If you believe that a person does not love his or her spouse because he or she cheated, then you are thinking in very black-and-white terms. Black-and-white thinking is a type of cognitive distortion or thinking error. Life is not all black and white; sometimes, there is a lot of gray. Do not be so quick to judge.

Many of the betrayed spouses whom I counsel report feelings of shame and embarrassment and these feelings result from this type of black-and-white thinking. They are basically battling their own pride. They think they are weak because, prior to the discovery of their spouse’s infidelity, they would have sworn that cheating would be a deal breaker; however, once they found out that their spouse cheated, they realized that life is far more complicated and many factors come into play, influencing their decision to stay. They believe that others are thinking how weak or pathetic they are for staying. If you are feeling these things, here is my response to all of the above. You decided to stay and fight for your marriage, which takes an enormous amount of strength. You took your vows seriously. You have decided to take the long arduous journey towards forgiveness. You are not weak! You have nothing about which to feel ashamed or embarrassed. Even if other people are thinking these things, remember that no one really knows what he or she would actually do unless he or she is faced with this situation. No one has the right to judge you, your marriage, or your choice to stay. They do not live in your home or walk in your shoes. Every marriage is unique, as is every situation. Only you know what is right and what is best for you and your family. Stop judging yourself, forgive yourself, and give yourself credit for staying true to your vows.

Hold your head up high. Your spouse bears the shame of what he or she did, not you. You did not cause your spouse to cheat. As I mentioned in my previous blog post, your spouse and your spouse alone is responsible for cheating. Take no ownership of that shame. You did not deserve what happened to you, no matter what problems may have existed in the relationship. Let me put it this way; I would wager that your cheating spouse was not perfect either. I would guess that you also had many unmet needs, disappointments, and frustrations about your spouse, but you did not seek solace outside of your marriage. Why then would you be embarrassed that your spouse did? Stop lamenting and blaming yourself. Not only is that unproductive, but it is also unnecessary.

I bet you are also thinking that you look like a fool because the signs of your spouse’s infidelity were there, but you chose to dismiss them. You are probably telling yourself how stupid you were for not knowing, or for having that gut feeling, but ignoring it. These are understandable reactions; however, you trusted your spouse. You never thought that the person you love would betray you. You are not a fool nor are you stupid. Stop blaming yourself for not knowing what you did not know before you knew it!

As the dust settles and as you and your spouse are hopefully working towards recovery, remember these things. You do not need to make any major decisions while your emotions are so unstable. As a matter of fact, you should never make major decisions when you cannot think clearly. You also need to remember you are not alone. There is much support for you out there. Websites such as www.dailystrength.org and www.beyondaffairs.com offer information and support to help you feel less isolated. You are not alone in this boat. Unfortunately, infidelity has become very pervasive in our society. Of the couples I alone am counseling, about 75% of them are dealing with infidelity recovery. I say again, do not be ashamed that you chose to stay. Staying true to your vows, working towards forgiveness, and fighting for your marriage and family are honorable endeavors. In the event that your marriage still does not make it, please remember this. You did everything possible to save your marriage. At least you can walk away knowing you tried and that you have no regrets. If your marriage is saved, chances are, it will be better than it has ever been. Good luck and God bless!

The Rear View Mirror

 Have you ever heard the saying, "Stop looking in the rear view mirror; you're not going that way"? Think about what that means. Basically, it means that we need to stop looking backwards and let the past go. How many of us spend an inordinate amount of time in our heads, lamenting about past mistakes, regrets, and hard times? If that resonates with you, ask yourself how much emotional energy have you been expending while you are living in your head trying to rewrite history. The past is gone. You cannot change what has already occurred. What you can do is learn and use the wisdom that you gained from the experience to create a better future.

I know, it is easier said than done, right? Yes, it takes effort to pull yourself out of your head and learn to be in the present. Look at it this way. You are putting forth an enormous amount of effort ruminating on a past that cannot be changed. Why not use that same emotional energy on an endeavor that will benefit you and help you grow as a person? 

One way to get your mind out of the past is to replace the negative intrusive thoughts with positive counterbalancing statements. I always look to Scripture to help me with that. For example, Proverbs 4:25 says: "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze on what is in front of you." The prophet Isaiah writes a tremendous statement about letting go of the past and looking forward with hope to a great future: "Stop dwelling on past events and brooding over times gone by; I am doing something new; it's springing up-can't you see it?" (Isaiah 43:18-19)

The Bible is a great source of positive statements you can use to replace negative thoughts that keep you prisoner to your past regrets. Whether you look to Scripture or not, the important thing to remember is that you have to be active in recognizing when you are in your head rather than being present in your life. You must actively interrupt thoughts that are not productive and that are detrimental to your peace and happiness today. One technique is called thought stopping. You simply picture a stop sign in your mind to interrupt the negative thoughts and then you actively redirect your mind to more positive and productive thoughts, such as the examples I shared. Do whatever works for you, but do something other than indulge thoughts that serve no purpose in your life today.

Wisdom can come only when you allow yourself to learn from the past but not live there. Living in the past and living in regret produces depression, sadness, self-loathing, and misery. Stop doing this to yourself. Forgive yourself, forgive others, and apply the lessons learned to your life so that you can move forward to a hopeful future. It's time to stop looking in the rear view mirror; you are not going that way! God bless!

Trust the Transition

 I haven't written a blog post in quite a while. I think that is because I haven't felt very inspired. I have been blocked. I feel as if I had been stagnating. Life had become so repetitive, just like the movie "Groundhog's Day." I wasn't accomplishing the goals I had set for myself. In a word, I've been stuck. God knew I would not have made a move on my own, so I believe He allowed circumstances to unfold the way they have to free me from the prison of my own making. So now I have been freed and I am scared to death. I have no choice now but to trust that the Lord will turn these circumstances for good and I need to trust that He has another purpose for my life.

A dear friend sent me a meme that gave the message that I must trust the transition. It was exactly what I needed. I am filled with anxiety and fear, but I know those emotions are not from the Lord. I have to trust that He knows the beginning to the end and knew me before I was. He tells me over and over in His Word to trust Him, that He is with me, and that He will go into battle with me and fight on my behalf. 

I feel compelled to share some of the Scriptures to which I am currently clinging like a life raft. In Jeremiah 29:11, the Lord says: "For I know what plans I have in mind for you, plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you ca have hope and a future." This is a reminder that we need to trust that the Lord has a plan and a purpose for our lives. Another Scripture that has always served as a reminder that I don't always know everything and that I need to humble myself is Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him; then He will guide your paths." The following Scripture has always given me encouragement when I have felt afraid or defeated. It is a reminder that God doesn't want us to feel those things because He is always with us. In Joshua 1:9 He says: "Haven't I ordered you, 'Be strong, be bold?' So don't be afraid or downhearted, because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

I could go on and on quoting Scriptures that give me encouragement and comfort. God's love for us is so evident in Scripture that even through turmoil, I cannot help but feel abundantly grateful for His unfailing love. As a new chapter in my life has yet to unfold, I wanted to share all of this and allow myself to be vulnerable so I can hopefully be of some comfort and encouragement to anyone reading this who may be dealing with fear, anxiety, or sadness. We are all human. We all go through times of trial. Uncertainty is very anxiety-provoking. I am not immune. That said, I know the Lord and I know that whatever the reason for this season of trial in my life, he has a plan and a purpose for it and He will absolutely use it for my betterment because I love Him and He loves me. So please know that God wastes nothing. Trust in Him and trust that he has a plan and purpose for your life too. Trust the transition. It's all part of the process. God bless.