As some of you know, I am a certified oncology social worker in addition to being a therapist. I would like to take a moment to speak to those of you who may be dealing with a cancer diagnosis or those who know someone who is. It is very common for those dealing with
cancer to struggle with accepting or tolerating their loved ones’ reactions to
their cancer diagnosis. If we can understand that others’ reactions are the
products of their own insecurities and fears, then we can resist personalizing
their difficult and challenging behaviour. Perhaps we can even forgive them.
Those with a cancer diagnosis can be disappointed and hurt by friends or family members who seemed to have abandoned them right after diagnosis or after treatment commences. Basically, their cancer is a reminder that they are human and, if cancer can happen to someone they know, it can most certainly happen to them as well. They flee to avoid the distress which results from this realization; therefore, this is a reflection of their lack of coping skills rather than the amount of affection or concern they have for the one who has the cancer. I am not minimizing the hurt and pain this kind perceived emotional abandonment can cause, but I am trying to help people understand the type of thinking behind it.
The opposite occurs as well. I also hear patients complain of being “smothered”. They feel that they have no time to themselves because, everyday, they are barraged with well-wishers asking, “What can I do for you?” This almost always comes from a feeling of the loss of control. Cancer is a stark reminder that control is an illusion. People feel absolutely helpless when they see a loved one deal with the devastating effects of cancer; therefore, the best gift that can be given to the "smotherers" is something to do. Let them feel that they are helping or contributing in some way, otherwise, the helplessness will fuel an even stronger need to do something, anything that will alleviate this heaviness that has descended into the life of the person whom they love.
At the end of the day, it is you who needs to teach people how they need to treat you. In other words, you need to communicate to your loved ones what your needs are and do not assume your loved ones know already. Tell them what you need, what you do not need and when you need (or do not need) something. People cannot address things of which they are not aware. Remember, although cancer affects the entire family and those close to you, they are not you. They are not in your head. They may have no idea what they are supposed to do. Help them help you! Learn to say no and set boundaries. Learn to accept help when you need it. It is not weak to ask for help when you are in a vulnerable state.
Those with a cancer diagnosis can be disappointed and hurt by friends or family members who seemed to have abandoned them right after diagnosis or after treatment commences. Basically, their cancer is a reminder that they are human and, if cancer can happen to someone they know, it can most certainly happen to them as well. They flee to avoid the distress which results from this realization; therefore, this is a reflection of their lack of coping skills rather than the amount of affection or concern they have for the one who has the cancer. I am not minimizing the hurt and pain this kind perceived emotional abandonment can cause, but I am trying to help people understand the type of thinking behind it.
The opposite occurs as well. I also hear patients complain of being “smothered”. They feel that they have no time to themselves because, everyday, they are barraged with well-wishers asking, “What can I do for you?” This almost always comes from a feeling of the loss of control. Cancer is a stark reminder that control is an illusion. People feel absolutely helpless when they see a loved one deal with the devastating effects of cancer; therefore, the best gift that can be given to the "smotherers" is something to do. Let them feel that they are helping or contributing in some way, otherwise, the helplessness will fuel an even stronger need to do something, anything that will alleviate this heaviness that has descended into the life of the person whom they love.
At the end of the day, it is you who needs to teach people how they need to treat you. In other words, you need to communicate to your loved ones what your needs are and do not assume your loved ones know already. Tell them what you need, what you do not need and when you need (or do not need) something. People cannot address things of which they are not aware. Remember, although cancer affects the entire family and those close to you, they are not you. They are not in your head. They may have no idea what they are supposed to do. Help them help you! Learn to say no and set boundaries. Learn to accept help when you need it. It is not weak to ask for help when you are in a vulnerable state.
If you need support, but do not feel comfortable receiving it from family, since they may be overly emotional, there are plenty of support resources, both on line and in person. You can go to the American Cancer Society's online database of resources to find support close to you (www.cancer.org). Another organization, Cancer Care (www.cancercare.org) has both in person and telephonic support. You can find support specific to your diagnosis on line and in person. For financial help with medical expenses, you can go to www.needymeds.org. They have a very comprehensive list of patient assistance and co-pay assistance programs. You are never alone. Be blessed.
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