"Stop trying to change me!"

A very common cause of unhappiness within a relationship is the expectation the other person will eventually change. Think about the folly of this for a second. You are not accepting a person for who he or she is. That begs the question; what about this person did you love in the first place? Did you really love the person, or did you love an image of who you wanted the person to be? Unfortunately, so many people fall into the trap of the latter. People see characteristics within a person that they know they do not like, but they convince themselves that they can “change” or “fix” the other. Conversely, people see things in others that simply are not there, or they project onto the other traits they want to see in the other, but are simply non-existent. In either case, this inevitably leads to anger, frustration, and disappointment. This relationship may have been doomed from the very start.

This discussion is directed towards those of you who are constantly trying to change the people you love, whether that is a spouse, a friend, or a family member. Let me save you a lot of time and aggravation. You cannot change another person. All you can do is focus on yourself and what needs to change within you. Oh, you did not realize that you too may need some tweaking? So you thought you were perfect? Well, you are not perfect. None of us are. We all learn and grow until we die, so I am now challenging you to stop focusing on the other person’s faults and shift that focus on to your own.

This is not always easy. It is very difficult to admit to ourselves that we may be contributing to a relationship problem just as much as the other person. One of the best ways to discover what you need to address within yourself is to ask God for help. In Psalm 139:23-24 it says, “Examine me, God, and know my heart, test me, and know my thoughts. See if there is in me any hurtful way, and lead me along the eternal way.” We have to be willing to accept that we have parts of ourselves that may not be all that admirable and we must be willing to do something about it. We have to openly admit our faults and then actively do something to improve ourselves.

Once we do this, our perspective begins to change. We start to realize that perhaps we were focusing too much on the negative and not giving the other person credit for the positives. Married couples often fall into the trap of focusing on the negatives. I worked with a couple that faced this issue. The wife was constantly complaining about all the things her husband was not doing that she believed he should be doing. She constantly nagged him, which made him pull away from her. This made her feel unloved. Little did she realize that she never gave him credit for all of the great things he did around the house, for her and for their children. She basically just took those things for granted. Coming to therapy was the best thing for them, because the husband was finally able to voice his own hurt and frustration. Furthermore, the wife finally took a pause and realized that she was taking him for granted. She eventually admitted that when she gave him positive feedback about the things he did for the family, the other issues corrected themselves over time. It is amazing what feeling appreciated does for a person!

So the main point I want to make is this. You cannot directly change a person. If you love a person, you must accept him or her for who he or she is, warts and all. You can, however, change yourself. Look at how you may be contributing to the relationship issues. Be willing to admit your mistakes and work to correct them. I have said this before and I will say it again. You must be the change you would like to see. You may be able to indirectly affect the way others behave if you show patience, kindness, and love and if you actually communicate in a more positive way. I am not suggesting we must lower our expectations for someone else’s behavior. We all deserve respect, but I am suggesting that your own negative behavior may be exacerbating the other’s negative behavior. Therefore, conversely, your positive behavior can indirectly motivate the other to be more positive. Be willing to admit your own mistakes and the other will feel safer to admit his or hers. Here is the final piece of the puzzle. Forgive the other person for not living up to your “shoulds” and forgive yourself for imposing unfair expectations on the other. Remember, as it says in 1 Corinthians 13:5, "love keeps no record of wrongs." Change starts with you! God Bless!

Anger: The Armor of Lead

Those who know me, especially my patients and clients, have heard me talk about anger as a shield. I use this analogy because anger is a secondary emotion. There are always more vulnerable emotions underneath the anger. In effect, anger serves as a barrier that keeps us from having to expose those vulnerable emotions. The emotions under the anger are probably what cause us the most emotional distress. In other words, it is much easier to express anger than it is to admit that we are scared, or sad, or lonely, or hurt. So, anger becomes our armor, as if we think it is protecting ourselves from bad things getting to us. Some people walk around in their armor 24/7. The problem is this. Not only does it not protect us from bad things getting in, but it actually keeps the bad stuff inside of us and keeps the good stuff out!

So why is the anger armor made of lead? Stay with me on this. Lead is a very strong metal. It’s durable. It is almost indestructible. Heck, even Super Man cannot see through lead. However, as we have learned over the years, lead is a very toxic metal. Once it corrodes, those toxins can affect people’s health. For example, lead pipes have been found to contaminate drinking water and cause serious health issues.  Anger, like lead, may appear to be a protection, but its corrosive nature poses a real danger to our emotional health, and even our physical health, in some cases. Those who constantly walk around with their lead armor on really are hurting their emotional well being. Not only are they not protecting themselves from being hurt, but they are keeping all of the good things out, like love, happiness, and joy. After all, you cannot hug lead and expect to feel the warmth of human connection.

Lead is also very heavy. Anger, like lead, can weigh you down and make your heart feel heavy. It takes a lot of energy to carry around constantly. Carrying around something so heavy all the time can make you physically and emotionally tired, even depressed. Carrying around something so heavy keeps you from enjoying your life. The weight of it distracts you and keeps you from being in the present. You get to a point where you can think of nothing else but the anger you feel.

I counseled a couple who was dealing with infidelity recovery. In this case, the husband was the betrayed spouse. He walked around in his lead armor all the time. He believed it made him a stronger man. He was not going to expose all the hurt, sadness, embarrassment and inadequacy he was feeling. He actually believed that if he stopped being angry with his wife, he would get hurt again, as if the anger was protecting him somehow. His world was blown apart by his wife’s infidelity and his anger gave him the means through which he could function without falling apart. The anger served a purpose for a while; however, as it corroded into his heart, it kept him and his wife from being able to rebuild their relationship. Only when he was finally able to expose his vulnerable emotions, he and his wife were able to start the healing process. He did this by taking off that armor and bravely exposing his more vulnerable feelings. At that point, real progress was made between them and healing began.

If you feel as if you are wearing the armor of lead and you are tired of carrying it around, I challenge you today to take it off! This armor is not protecting you from anything or keeping anything bad out. All it is doing is keeping the bad stuff in and blocking the good from entering. I promise that if you are brave enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable, nothing catastrophic will happen. Once you stop hiding behind that armor, you will learn how to deal with your sadness, your fear, your loneliness, your inadequacy and your depression. You will no longer be exposed to the toxins that come from harboring anger. If you free yourself from that, you can “detox” from the exposure and feel a happier, more contented life. Your relationships will be deeper, more meaningful, and more satisfying. There is so much to gain by taking that lead armor off and very little to lose. It is not weak to take that armor off; on the contrary, it is probably the bravest thing you can do. It is not easy to be exposed, but only when you remove the barrier of anger can you truly connect with others. Take off the armor and let yourself be seen! You can do it! God bless.