Anger: The Armor of Lead

Those who know me, especially my patients and clients, have heard me talk about anger as a shield. I use this analogy because anger is a secondary emotion. There are always more vulnerable emotions underneath the anger. In effect, anger serves as a barrier that keeps us from having to expose those vulnerable emotions. The emotions under the anger are probably what cause us the most emotional distress. In other words, it is much easier to express anger than it is to admit that we are scared, or sad, or lonely, or hurt. So, anger becomes our armor, as if we think it is protecting ourselves from bad things getting to us. Some people walk around in their armor 24/7. The problem is this. Not only does it not protect us from bad things getting in, but it actually keeps the bad stuff inside of us and keeps the good stuff out!

So why is the anger armor made of lead? Stay with me on this. Lead is a very strong metal. It’s durable. It is almost indestructible. Heck, even Super Man cannot see through lead. However, as we have learned over the years, lead is a very toxic metal. Once it corrodes, those toxins can affect people’s health. For example, lead pipes have been found to contaminate drinking water and cause serious health issues.  Anger, like lead, may appear to be a protection, but its corrosive nature poses a real danger to our emotional health, and even our physical health, in some cases. Those who constantly walk around with their lead armor on really are hurting their emotional well being. Not only are they not protecting themselves from being hurt, but they are keeping all of the good things out, like love, happiness, and joy. After all, you cannot hug lead and expect to feel the warmth of human connection.

Lead is also very heavy. Anger, like lead, can weigh you down and make your heart feel heavy. It takes a lot of energy to carry around constantly. Carrying around something so heavy all the time can make you physically and emotionally tired, even depressed. Carrying around something so heavy keeps you from enjoying your life. The weight of it distracts you and keeps you from being in the present. You get to a point where you can think of nothing else but the anger you feel.

I counseled a couple who was dealing with infidelity recovery. In this case, the husband was the betrayed spouse. He walked around in his lead armor all the time. He believed it made him a stronger man. He was not going to expose all the hurt, sadness, embarrassment and inadequacy he was feeling. He actually believed that if he stopped being angry with his wife, he would get hurt again, as if the anger was protecting him somehow. His world was blown apart by his wife’s infidelity and his anger gave him the means through which he could function without falling apart. The anger served a purpose for a while; however, as it corroded into his heart, it kept him and his wife from being able to rebuild their relationship. Only when he was finally able to expose his vulnerable emotions, he and his wife were able to start the healing process. He did this by taking off that armor and bravely exposing his more vulnerable feelings. At that point, real progress was made between them and healing began.

If you feel as if you are wearing the armor of lead and you are tired of carrying it around, I challenge you today to take it off! This armor is not protecting you from anything or keeping anything bad out. All it is doing is keeping the bad stuff in and blocking the good from entering. I promise that if you are brave enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable, nothing catastrophic will happen. Once you stop hiding behind that armor, you will learn how to deal with your sadness, your fear, your loneliness, your inadequacy and your depression. You will no longer be exposed to the toxins that come from harboring anger. If you free yourself from that, you can “detox” from the exposure and feel a happier, more contented life. Your relationships will be deeper, more meaningful, and more satisfying. There is so much to gain by taking that lead armor off and very little to lose. It is not weak to take that armor off; on the contrary, it is probably the bravest thing you can do. It is not easy to be exposed, but only when you remove the barrier of anger can you truly connect with others. Take off the armor and let yourself be seen! You can do it! God bless.