When Life is Stormy, Let Your Marriage Be the Shelter

 Marriage can be difficult even under the best of circumstances. When you have two whole, adult individuals, with their own opinions, morals, ethics, and beliefs, there will always be times in which disagreements happen. You may struggle to find common ground. Your opinions may differ in areas of finances, parenting, or even in what activities you enjoy. Once a crisis occurs, it can throw even the strongest of marriages off kilter. Crises such as illness, death of a loved one, financial problems, child issues, miscarriages, and mental illness, just to name a few, can test a couple’s individual and collective fortitude. Here are some suggestions to help you and your spouse remain a support to one another when you both need it the most.

1. Lean on and defer to each other’s strengths:

The two of you are different and that is ok. Just be honest with yourself and each other about your strengths and those of your spouse. For example, in my marriage, I am the more emotional one. My husband has a tremendous ability to stay calm in difficult situations, whereas I tend to become very emotional. When we have gone through difficulties, I leaned on him and looked to him to make initial decisions because I have found that in my acute emotional state, I have difficulty focusing. I accept that about myself and so does my husband. If one of you is better at remaining calm than the other, do not judge or criticize. Just accept and use the strengths to your collective advantage during a crisis.

2. Remember to continue to nurture the relationship and each other:

I know how hard it is to focus on anything else but the crisis with which you are dealing, and your relationship may take a back seat as you try and survive a crisis situation, but please believe me when I tell you that you must not neglect your marriage. Crises can be the demise of a relationship if a couple is not careful. I counseled a couple who had a special needs child who had severe behavioral issues that caused a lot of stress in the household. The two spouses became very combative and constantly fought about how they should parent their very difficult son. A distance grew between them as they became each other’s adversary rather than support. They stopped having their date nights. They stopped spending quality time together and they stopped communicating. Unfortunately, the husband eventually refused to continue the counseling, as he was convinced that things would never get better. I cannot stress enough that you must remember that you are on the SAME SIDE. Even if you disagree about how the crisis should be handled, you are both suffering, so be kind to one another, listen to one another, and support one another. Carve out time to be together each day and do not neglect your intimacy. The storm will eventually pass, and it is a wonderful thing to know that your marriage is still intact on the other side of the crisis.

3. Remember to maintain self-care:

Yes, you are important too! If you do not take care of your own needs, then what good will you be during a crisis? Here is an analogy I often use with my clients who tend to neglect their own needs. You are on an airplane, and you suddenly hit turbulence. The oxygen masks drop and you are instructed to put on the masks, as there is a drop in the oxygen level on the plane. You are sitting next to a loved one. Do you put the mask on your loved one or yourself first? Usually, there is a pause, and my client says, “My loved one.” Then I respond, “WRONG! What help would you be to your loved one if you pass out due to a lack of oxygen?” The same goes for you. If you do not take care of yourself, then you will have nothing left to give to those who need you during a crisis. Remember to eat well, drink plenty of water, exercise, pray or meditate, engage in enjoyable activities or hobbies, and take time for yourself when you need to. It is not selfish; it is necessary!

4. Communicate, communicate, communicate:

I cannot stress enough the importance of communicating your feelings with your spouse. During a crisis, we entertain our worst fears and experience more anxiety and/or depression than we usually do. It is very easy to become emotionally reactive. Often, people have difficulty talking about their feelings, so they channel the negative emotional energy in other, unproductive or destructive ways. The behavior can range from being overly critical towards our spouse to being downright abusive, either physically or verbally. Get honest with how you are feeling. Do not bother trying to suppress your feelings because I guarantee, they will find their way out somehow. Take responsibility for your feelings by expressing them appropriately. If you need something from your spouse, ask for it. If you are frustrated with your spouse, tell him or her appropriately. If you are scared, that is ok. Your spouse probably is too. Do not avoid your feelings or your spouse. Communication is essential all the time, but it is critical during a crisis.

5. Ask for help from friends or family if you need it:

Sometimes, no matter how strong you are as a couple, you still need help. Crises can take a huge toll on a family, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Sometimes, you just need a little help from your friends, family, fellow congregants, or neighbors. Let people bring you meals. Let your neighbor feed the cat. Let your mother lend you some money to pay the electric bill this month. Whatever the need, just ask for help. Remember, this is a temporary situation, and you will pay it forward when you are in a better place. Look at it this way; wouldn’t you help someone in need if you could? Put the pride on the shelf and ask for help.

Marriage is such a blessing. Remember your vows, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…”. Did you mean it when you agreed to those vows? I think you did, so remember that when a crisis hits, and one eventually will. That is life. If your marriage feels shaky and things are relatively calm in your life, please go to marriage counseling and work on strengthening your relationship. Life is not easy and one of the blessings of being married is having someone to support you through the most difficult times. Marriage should be a shelter in the storm, not the storm itself. Remember, you are in it together! God bless.

 

The 5 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid

 

To paraphrase Dr. Phil, the one who needs to change in a troubled relationship is the one who can. You may be asking what this means exactly. In other words, we can never make our spouses change. We cannot make them act a certain way, respond a certain way, think a certain way, or feel a certain way. The only thing we can do is look at ourselves, take inventory of how we may be contributing to problems within the relationship, and make a decision to change our own behaviors and reactions. The following are 5 relationship pitfalls we may experience and ways to deal with them.

1.Getting sucked into the emotional vortex:

We so easily react to our spouse’s heightened emotional behaviors. We get angry; we scream, and yell and we get drawn into tumultuous arguments that only increase resentment and cause further damage to the relationship. It is essential to recognize when this is occurring and when we do, we must decide to resist the reactivity. Mindfully observe your spouse and ask yourself what he or she is feeling underneath the anger. There are always more vulnerable emotions beneath the shield of anger, such as fear, hurt, or shame. If you can resist feeding into that anger and look for the statements beneath the statements, you may just get to your spouse’s heart. Stay calm. Eventually, validating your spouse’s feelings will prove more productive than facing anger with anger.

2.Trying to reason with someone who is being unreasonable:

For the parents reading this, remember when your toddlers would have massive meltdowns? Did you try and deal with the situation by trying to have a logical discussion with them? Of course, you did not. Most likely, you waited them out and addressed their behavior once the calmed down or finished their time-outs. A ranting and raving spouse is much like that toddler having a temper tantrum. In that state of mind, your spouse is not thinking logically or rationally; therefore, attempting to appeal to him or her with reason and logic will not work. Just like you did with your toddlers, you may need to convey the message that you will not discuss the issue until your spouse is able to express himself or herself appropriately, and then walk away. Doing this consistently tells your spouse that he or she will get a lot further with you if he or she conducts himself or herself like an adult rather than a toddler having a temper tantrum.

3.Having to be right:

Ok, confession time, I am definitely guilty of this one. I always remind my husband that his life would be much easier if he would just accept that I am always right! I kid, of course, but pride can be a huge stumbling block in a marriage. As I tell the couples I counsel, it is time to change the language we use when dealing with each other. Give up the words “right,” “wrong,” “fault,” and “blame.” These are not productive. Remember that it is not about who is right and who is wrong, or whose fault it is; it is about a difference in perspective. We may have a different take on the situation. Our truths may not match exactly. Therefore, the goal is to find a middle ground where we can understand one another’s perspective. Just because you may not agree with your spouse’s perspective does not mean he or she is wrong, and you are right. Strive to validate your spouse’s feelings and sincerely try to understand what he or she is trying to express. The question is this; do you want pride, or do you want peace?

4.Treating your spouse like your competition:

Are you and your spouse constantly trying to “one up” each other? Do you do spiteful things to each other? Do you constantly vie for attention? Do you find yourself feeling jealous when your spouse experiences an achievement or has good fortune? Do resent when other people praise your spouse? Do you encourage your spouse to better himself or herself? Do you support him or her in his or her endeavors? Do you take an interest in his or her goals? Do you ever do things to sabotage your spouse and he or she strives to achieve those goals? If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions, take caution. You are not being a loving partner, or even a partner for that matter. Do not forget that you are on the same team. In a loving relationship, spouses delight in each other’s achievements and successes. We swoon with pride when we hear other people praise our spouse. We seek every way possible to help our spouse achieve his or her dreams and aspirations. We seek only to build our spouse up, not tear him or her down with spite or jealousy. Your marriage is not a competition, so please be a better partner and be a good teammate!

5.Shutting down and/or retreating:

So many people fear confrontation. Those who avoid it like the plague are not helping the relationship. What usually happens is the spouse who shuts down or retreats in the face of conflict does not express his or feelings. The vulnerable feelings, like hurt or sadness, get suppressed. They build up within the person and they seep out in other ways, either consciously or subconsciously. This is what is known as being passive aggressive. The person cannot deal with those feelings about the conflict directly, so he or she may behave in hurtful ways, like “forgetting” to pick up her husband’s clothes from the dry cleaners or “forgetting” his wife’s birthday. The one who avoids conflict turns the negative emotions inward and may become depressed as a result. The bottom line is this. You do not need to fear a fight with your spouse. Fighting is not the problem. As long as you fight fairly, issues can be resolves. Feelings do not go away if you do not deal with them, so stop being afraid to resolve your issues with your spouse.

We all come across difficult times in our marriages. In the almost 29 years I have been married to my husband, I have had to eat a lot of humble pie. It is never easy to face our own shortcomings and mistakes, but it is essential to do that. We are not perfect, and neither are our spouses, God did not put us together with our spouse to control him or her. We are to encourage our spouse to be the best version of himself or herself, and we must remember the love we share with our spouse. Remember this; when problems exist within a relationship, it is never just because of one person. We always contribute to the problem in one way or another, either by action or inaction. Own your own behavior, and when you act in a way that is damaging to the relationship, FIX IT! Be the change you want to see. Good luck and God bless!

 

Submission in Marriage: What Does it Really Mean?

 

As a modern woman and wife, I have struggled with the concept of submitting to my husband. As a young wife, I had an attitude of independence. I made it clear to my husband that he did not “own me” and I commanded respect. The funny thing was, he always respected me. I never needed to command that. As I matured, as I grew in my faith, and as my husband and I worked through some relationship issues over the years, I realized I needed an attitude adjustment. It was time for me to learn how to submit and surrender to my husband. I am not going to lie; I had difficulty. Truth be told, my husband still has difficulty with the concept, because he never thought of me as anything other than an equal. Moreover, there were times he looked to me to be the problem solver and to take the lead in certain situations. He never wanted to be the “head of the household”. He wanted the king and queen of the castle to have equal power, and we do. So now let us look at what submission means.

What submission is:

The Bible has much to say about submitting, both throughout the Old and the New Testaments. I am referencing the Bible simply to give a foundation of support for the concept of submitting and surrendering, which I will use interchangeably, within the marital relationship. I believe that even if you are not Jewish or Christian, you will still find value in this discussion, so I hope you continue reading. I hope that I will also show how submitting can therapeutically heal a marriage.

In the Old Testament, we are shown how to have a relationship with God and part of that relationship requires us to submit and surrender to His will for us. We trust and believe that He loves us and wants what is best for us. According to Friedman of Chabad.org, the day God gave the Ten Commandments to Moses at Mount Sinai was symbolic of a wedding day. It was a covenant made between God and His people. God instructed Moses to give these commandments to the people of Israel. He instructed us to have no other god, to honor His day of rest and keep it holy, and so on. He also gave us free will, to choose whether we would submit or not. I do not know about all of you, but for me, inside His will is where I want to be and things have a way of working out when I am. When I resist and act too human, that is when things tend to go awry. That dynamic plays out in the couples I counsel. They fight against each other instead of accepting and working with each other’s roles and strengths. The Lord is committed to our well-being; He feels a responsibility to us, yet he allows us to choose whether or not we will surrender to Him. This is a very loving relationship. This is the type of relationship we should enjoy with our spouses.

Rebbetzin Twerski, from www.aish.com, says that with surrender, come both intimacy and responsibility. In Genesis 4:1, it says that “Adam knew his wife.” That knowing was not just a superficial understanding of his mate, but a deep spiritual connection. All throughout the Torah (the first 5 books of the Bible), the marriage relationship is the focal point of the home. Husbands and wives are to put each other first, yes, even before the children. This is punctuated in Genesis 2:24 where it says that man is to leave his father and mother to be with his wife and they are to be one flesh. The marital relationship is the foundation on which the family is built. This relationship is strengthened with intimacy that is achieved through respect, love, and surrender. We can only surrender when we feel loved and respected by our spouses.

What submission is not:

Before I continue speaking about what submission in a marriage is, please allow me to explain what submission is not. This is extremely important because a lot of good people erroneously apply this concept to their marriage and that can have terrible consequences. Submission is not abuse. Let me stress that you never have to stay in an abusive situation. That is not what God intended. Remember, the marital relationship is a mutually satisfying union in which each spouse has different, yet equally important roles. Spouses are to put each other first and have a loving concern to meet each other’s needs. The one who has the authority is not to abuse that authority or lord it over the other. In short, love should never hurt! Submission is not the absence of responsibility; quite the contrary! Each spouse has a responsibility. Both contribute to the household decisions and both have a responsibility to make the other feel valued. Finally, submission is not yielding one’s personal power or self-worth. While it is true that both spouses need to let go of ego and self-centeredness, neither must let go of his or her sense of self or his or her sense of morality. Each can have an opinion, but the surrender comes not by giving up completely, but it comes from true love and concern for the other’s well-being, from a desire to maintain peace and harmony, in a spiritual sense, within the relationship, and it comes from the desire to honor one’s spouse.

What submission looks like:

Now that we understand what submission is and what it is not, let us now examine how wives should submit to their husbands and what responsibility husbands have for their wives. Let us look to the New Testament for some instructions and examples. Again, those of you who are not Christian may still find this valuable, or at least, interesting. In the book of Ephesians, the Apostle Paul gives examples of relationships in which submission is necessary. He basically says that one submits to another the way one would submit to God. He uses the marital relationship as an illustration of our relationship with God. He says in Ephesians 5:22, “Wives submit to your husbands.” Again, he goes on to say that they are to do this as they submit to God. Submission is a loving act that tells the husband that he is trusted, respected, and loved. We really could not submit if these elements were not in place. Just as I trust in God, just as I know He loves and cares for me and wants me to have joy, so does my husband. I trust him with my life. I know he respects me. I know he appreciates my contributions to our family. I know he would never take advantage of my love; therefore, I have learned to submit to him. Ultimately, I know he will never put himself or his desires before me, so submitting is my gift to him and a symbol of my trust in him.

Husbands have a big job. They are the head of the household. Do not misunderstand what this authority means. Husbands are to emulate God in this role. Let us go back to God and Moses for a second. Friedman explains that God “came down” from the mountain to meet the people. Although He was the ultimate authority, He made Himself vulnerable for His people, He presented His commandments and He sincerely hoped that the people would submit to Him because He loved them and wanted what was best for them. He wanted them to trust Him. He showed us an example of humility in authority. Husbands, your position does not enable you to take advantage of your wives. Your authority, according to Miller, from www.todayschristianwoman.com, is meant to be used to serve your wives. Paul said in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives just as Messiah loved the Messianic community and gave himself up on its behalf”. He wants you to lovingly serve and protect your wife and sacrifice so that she always has what she needs. In many respects, your task is much more challenging.

Benefits of submission:

Hopefully, by now you are seeing the benefits of submission and/or surrender in a marriage. It is a loving act by wives to their husbands. It is a choice. As I have said in other posts, men need to feel respected in a relationship. When their wives submit to them, instead of resisting or challenging them, it shows a tremendous amount of respect. Women, on the other hand, primarily need to feel loved. When husbands choose to essentially lay down their lives daily for their wives to meet their needs, wives feel safe, secure, and loved. Submission brings the type of intimacy into a marriage that both spouses desire. It is a spiritual and emotional bonding that reinforces the two are of one flesh. Submission frees both spouses from having to be right, from having to win, and from engaging in power struggles. It is mutual, in that, both spouses have responsibilities as one submits to the other. Both spouses benefit from this. Burdens are lifted when both spouses know their roles, their different yet equal roles. Submission is a practical way to ensure harmony in the home. Although the concept of submission is not something we readily see in today’s culture, it does not mean that it is outdated or irrelevant (Miller).

This was a lot to digest and I understand that for some of you, the concept of submission is a difficult one. You may not even be buying into it, but I have shown you all the myriad benefits submission provides. If we look at the divorce rate, which is about 50%, we can see that without a deeper understanding of what marriage entails, marriage is too easily devalued. Remember, marriage is not just a contract; it is a covenant. It is a spiritual and emotional promise that the two will be forever joined. Perhaps it is time for society to start looking at ancient ideas of marriage so that marriage is considered to be a sacred union as it was intended to be. So wives, are you ready to submit to your husbands? That is the question. Good luck and God bless!

 

 

References:

Friedman, M. (retrieved 2015, Dec. 8). Surrender and Responsibility: Virtues Essential to an Intimate Relationship. Retrieved from www.chabad.org.

 

Miller, K. A. (2008, Sept.). What’s So Scary About Submission? Retrieved from www.todayschristianwoman.com.

 

Twerski, F. (retrieved 2015, Dec. 8). A Jewish Wife: Practical Advice on what it Takes to Build a Jewish Home. Retrieved from www.aish.com

Communication Breakdown and the Great Marital Divide: How Communication, or Lack Thereof, Can Make or Break a Marriage

Communication, in my humble opinion, is the backbone of a marriage. This is the foundation, along with love, of course, that supports every other aspect of a marriage, from emotional intimacy to physical intimacy and to loving in a real and genuine way. This does not mean merely talking. As we all know, we can talk AT our spouses and not necessarily to our spouses. We need to really listen to what our spouses are telling us.  As a therapist, I have seen time and time again that the bulk of marital issues finds their genesis in communication breakdown. The solution to many marital issues is both complex and simple; it is learning the skill of communication.            

We hear our spouse every day, but do we listen? What else is the focus of your attention? So many of us hear words coming out of our spouses’ mouths, but we are watching TV, we are creating a shopping list in our heads, or we are worrying about the children, the bills, or our jobs. Sure, all of those other things are important, and they must be addressed at some point, but nothing, and I mean, nothing is more important at that moment than what your spouse is saying. Even if your spouse is talking about something mundane, you must give your spouse 100% of your attention. That may seem trivial. It may seem that it is no big deal if you were not paying full attention when your husband was telling you about the game last night, or your wife was telling you about the sale at the supermarket, but it is a big deal. Every chance to connect on an emotional level with our spouses is a big deal.                                    

In this day and age, and in most households, both spouses must work. Two incomes are often needed to maintain a house with children; therefore, time is so very precious. There are so few opportunities to connect with our spouses. We may not always have major topics to discuss, but that does not mean we should not talk to each other! So many things often come before our communication with our spouses. We may have brought work home with us, which gets our attention. The children always seem to need our attention. We may just want to “veg” out in front of the TV after a long and hectic day; however, we MUST carve out some time in the day just for our spouses. It is so essential to do that so that we maintain our connection with them. The breakdown of communication is the beginning of an insurmountable rift that leads to resentment and then to the demise of the relationship.

 If communication about trivial things is life or death to the marriage, how much more essential is communication about the things we each feel are important? Unfortunately, sometimes we neglect to communicate properly about those things; this happens for so many reasons. We may not communicate our needs, or, put another way, actually TALK to our spouses, because we, in our righteous indignation, may feel that our spouse SHOULD know what we need, or we think they SHOULD know what we feel. So, we do not communicate and then we are hurt, disappointed, or resentful that our spouse so insensitively neglected our needs. How unfair is that? Not only did we set our unknowing spouse up for failure, but we set ourselves up for pain. Why do we do that to ourselves? It is important to remember that our spouses are not mind readers. We cannot assume they know what we need or want. We need to find a way to express our needs in a way our spouses can receive them. “Mind reading” and “should” thinking are both forms of faulty thinking and faulty thinking needs to be challenged (Beck, 1995). According to Beck, faulty thinking or cognitive distortions are errors in the way we think about the world and they lead to negative emotions and/or inappropriate or dysfunctional behaviors, which can include poor communication skills.

We may also fail to communicate because we do not want to rock the proverbial boat. Those who do this are the avoiders. You know the type.  Avoiders cannot stand conflict. They swallow their feelings and concerns for the sake of “keeping the peace”. They think they are doing this for the good of the marriage. In actuality, they cannot cope with the potential negative emotions that are elicited from expressing that which makes them unhappy; therefore, they rationalize and justify in their minds that just keeping these things to themselves is the noble or “right” thing to do. Unfortunately, this almost always backfires. They do not communicate their needs, thus, the resentment builds. The more they swallow to keep the peace, the more their needs are not met; this just compounds resentment.

One of my clients, I will call him “Jack”, is a huge avoider. Time and time again, he brings the same complaints about his wife to our sessions. More often than not, when I ask him whether he expresses his feelings to his wife about whatever the issue is, his answer is almost always, “No, I just did not feel like dealing with her.” The problem here is that Jack feels that his wife does not listen to him, that she does not care about his needs and, as a result, he has grown resentful. Oh Jack, how can your wife address your feelings if you refuse to share them with her? Goldhor Lerner (1990) refers to this behavior as “emotional distancing”, which involves emotionally removing oneself from the relationship in which conflict and emotional reactivity are commonplace. To the avoiders reading this, conflict causes distress, true, but you can withstand it, I promise. Put it this way; you are distressed anyway. Isn’t resentment distressful? It is far better that you get the issues out on the table, regardless of what your spouse’s reaction will be because at least then you would have a chance of resolving the issues.

 Avoiders are often passive-aggressive. They cannot outwardly express their anger, so it comes out in more subtle, less obvious ways, like the husband who “forgot” his wife’s birthday or the wife who “forgot” to put gas in her husband’s car after driving it all day; thus, as a result, the great divide begins. Resentments pile up, which eclipse any feelings of love and passion these people once had for their spouses. Not only is this a detriment to the marriage, but it is also dangerous to these passive-aggressive avoiders. Resentment and anger turned inward can become clinical depression. When one spouse is clinically depressed, it most certainly creates a very difficult environment for the entire household. According to Allen (2003), the symptomatic spouse is viewed within the context of his or her relationships. In other words, we do not live in a vacuum and the people around us can absolutely impact our moods. Back to Jack.  He is classically passive-aggressive and admits that he shuts down and often neglects the tasks that his wife asks him to complete. He has severe anxiety, depression, and pain issues. Aggression turned inward affects both the mind and body.

There are many reasons one can have clinical depression and certainly not being able to communicate with one’s spouse is not the sole cause; however, the lack of communication can certainly compound or exacerbate an already difficult situation.  This person’s spouse also falls into the great divide as he or she watches his or her spouse becoming more and more distant. Not only are the avoider’s needs not being met, but neither is his or her spouse’s. As the avoider pulls away, under the guise of “keeping the peace”, he or she is also withholding his or her love, passion, and attention. Do not forget that the more one is silent, the more one is vulnerable to resentment build-up. His or her spouse then feels emotionally neglected, which, in turn, causes resentment build-up within him or her. Again, this adds to the great divide.     

 On the other side of the coin, we have the explosive types.  Included in this category are those who lack impulse control, those who have anger control difficulties, or those who have extreme emotional reactivity. This type of person lacks the coping skills to deal with anxiety or distress (Friesen, 2003). These are the yellers and screamers. These are the people who fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. Often, these are the types of people who say hurtful things, even if they did not mean what was said, because they react before they think. Who can listen to a screamer? Often, the one on the receiving end begins to block out the noise. The screamer is not taken seriously and he or she loses all credibility. After all, can you really take someone seriously who sounds like a screaming banshee monkey? Moreover, if the receiver is the victim of a barrage of hurtful comments designed specifically to cause pain or to elicit a reaction, something I refer to as “verbal stabbing”, then it is impossible for the screamer’s message to be received in any real way.

 I have a client, whom I will call “Katey”, whose father was a screamer. She would relay story after story in which he would berate her mother in his ranting sessions, which chipped away at Katey’s respect for him. She shared that she learned very early in life how to “tune him out.” By the time she was a young adult, she felt almost no respect for him at all. Ironically, she herself is a screamer and her marriage is suffering because of it. She admits to being a “verbal stabber”.  She always regrets the words that leave her lips the minute they do, but she has not yet learned to control her emotional reactivity. She desperately loves her husband, but she cuts him to the bone with her hurtful words. We are working on Katey learning to express her needs in a more appropriate manner. Feelings are not wrong, but how we express them can be, especially if the ways in which we express them cause those whom we love pain.

  If you are reading this and these poor communication styles resonate with you, I suspect you are thinking that you are either not in love with your spouse any longer, or you love your spouse, but you are no longer “in love” with him/her, or you simply believe that the passion is gone. You may even be entertaining the possibility of divorce or even an extramarital affair. Does that surprise you? I have seen it a thousand times. You have met someone, possibly a coworker or a friend of a friend, who seems to hang on to your every word. The more you talk, the more you realize that you have “so much in common.” You then start to villainize your spouse, focusing on all of his or her faults. You say to yourself, “He/she does not listen to me the way so and so does” or “So and so doesn’t yell at me the way my spouse does.” The next thing you know, you are on that slippery “we’re just friends” slope, you justify and rationalize your actions and then, before you know it, you are in an affair. If you think communication breakdown causes pain, just imagine the pain that results from infidelity. That pain not only affects you and your spouse but also your children. All of the pain that people suffer as a result of divorce and/or extramarital affairs can absolutely be avoided if communication would be a priority.

Do you think that is an exaggeration? Well trust me, it is not. I could relay story upon story of both people whom I have treated and friends who describe the aforementioned scenario. By the time an affair has been exposed and/or divorce is very seriously considered, one or both spouses convince him/herself that he/she no longer loves the other. I am here to tell you that may not be true. I believe with all of my heart, mind, and soul that, if love is the foundation on which the relationship was built in the first place, then it is still there. It has simply been covered by piles and piles of resentment that was created by the great divide, which was the breakdown of communication. The good news is this. The rift can be closed. Communication skills can be learned or re-learned. If both spouses have the desire to do the work to challenge faulty thinking and amend dysfunctional behavioral patterns, perhaps with the guidance of a trained professional, and if they can remember the love that brought them together in the first place, then no problem is insurmountable. In a nutshell, love can be restored, resurrected, and renewed.

 

References

Allen, P.R. (2003). Depression: A Symptom of Cutoff in Relationship Process. In P

Titelman (Ed.) Emotional Cuttoff: Bowen Family Systems Theory Perspectives

(pp. 315-336). Blinghampton, NY: The Haworth Clinical Practice Press.

Beck, J.S. (1995), Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Friesen, P.J. (2003). Emotional Cutoff and the Brain.  In P Titelman (Ed.) Emotional

Cutoff: Bowen Family Systems Theory Perspectives (pp. 83-107).

            Blinghampton, NY: The Haworth Clinical Practice Press.

Goldhor Lerner, H.(1990). The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of

            Change in Key Relationships. New York, NY:Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc.

5 Basic Rules for Fighting Fairly

 

Do you and your spouse fight a lot? Does that concern you? I will tell you what I tell my clients. Fighting is not the problem. It is how you fight that may be the problem. It is normal to have disagreements within a healthy relationship. You and your spouse are not always going to agree on things and that is fine. What is not fine is when the fighting becomes hostile, mean-spirited, or filled with anger. Often, I have couples say to me, “We fight all the time about such stupid things!” My response is usually, “You are not fighting about what you think you are fighting about.” When we are not honest about our feelings or when we do not deal with resentment the minute we feel it, we are allowing anger to grow and poison the relationship. Not only is fighting fairly ok to do, but it is also actually essential for the relationship. Here are some basic rules for fighting fairly:

Rule #1: Identity what is truly bothering you.

In order for your spouse to address whatever it is that is bothering you, you must own your feelings and be honest about what you are feeling. A lot of people are afraid to confront their spouse because they are often met with defense and they are afraid of having a fight. If you suppress your feelings, they do not go away. They tend to find their way out some other way. So, that knockdown, drag out fight you and your spouse had about one of you not changing the toilet paper roll was not really about toilet paper. Your attempt to avoid a fight did not work, did it? If you express your feelings using “I” statements, then your spouse may be less likely to react with defensiveness and anger. For example, “I feel frustrated when you don’t do simple things I ask you to do because I work so much and I need some help.” Your feelings are your feelings and feelings are not wrong. Just deal with them before the anger grows.

Rule# 2: Stay on topic.

In order to resolve an issue with your spouse, it is important to stay on the topic of discussion. Do not go through a laundry list of past offenses by your spouse. It is really easy to allow a disagreement to turn into a full argument, with yelling and screaming, if you are sifting through old events that have already been discussed ad nauseum. I had a couple that I counseled for about a year. They would often bring the same issues, time and time again, to the session. Often, they would get quite heated about seemingly banal issues. They finally realized all of the extraneous things about which they were fighting over and over were not really the main problems. In a nutshell, the wife did not feel loved by her husband and the husband felt that his wife did not respect him. Deal with the current issue and keep it in the present. Your spouse cannot go back and change offenses that have already taken place, but he or she can address the current issue, so keep it on topic, and then you will see change for the better.

 Rule #3: Do not use verbal stabbing.

Verbal stabbing is a phrase I use to identify the behavior of saying things in the heat of an argument to hurt your spouse. Others call this “hitting below the belt.” You love your spouse, remember? You can get your point across without attacking his or her vulnerabilities. Things you say in the heat of an argument can linger on well after the fight is over. I counseled a couple who had very hostile arguments. The wife often went right for the verbal stabbing. The husband was on disability because he had severe pain issues that result from past cancer treatments. He was very depressed because he could not work. His wife often called him “lazy” or she accused him of exaggerating his symptoms so he could avoid helping more around the house. This fed his negative self-image and depression. You do not have to cut your spouse down or make him or her feel less than he or she is simply to win an argument. There is no winning if you go for the emotional jugular. You are allowed to identify how you feel and you are allowed to address behavior that makes you feel that way, but if you want to fight fairly, do not purposely say things that will hurt your spouse. Remember, you cannot un-ring a bell.

Rule #4: Allow for cool-down periods if needed.

If the conversation gets too heated, then it is ok for you to recognize that and ask for a period of time to walk away and calm yourself. It is better to take a pause than let the argument get out of hand. If you start to yell, use verbal stabbing, or even start throwing things or destroying property, it is much better to walk away and gather yourself. In life, there are going to be issues that elicit a lot of emotion within you or your spouse. It is much better to acknowledge and accept that than it is to allow your temper to get the best of you. This takes discipline and self-awareness, but it may be a necessary step until you and your spouse learn to communicate better.

Rule #5: Schedule your discussion and set a limit.

Life is busy with raising kids, having a career, or both. Often, one spouse wants to initiate a discussion when the other is otherwise occupied. In these cases, it is perfectly acceptable to agree on a specific time to have the discussion. By agreeing on a time to discuss the problem, you can avoid causing more contention between you and your spouse. I am currently counseling a couple in which the wife used to incessantly text her husband during the day when something bothered her. When he did not immediately respond, she would grow even angrier, and then, by the time he finally could respond, she had already worked herself up into a frenzy of anger and resentment. Once we identified this, she learned to ask if they could discuss an issue later in the evening and she wrote down her complaints to keep her from working herself up before the agreed-upon time for discussion. This helped their communication tremendously. Along with scheduling the specific time for discussions, try to limit the amount of time you devote to an issue. Many problems can be resolved within a reasonable period of time with good communication. If you spend too much time on one issue, the discussion can become cyclical and nothing is resolved. Know what your agenda is, stick to it, and limit the time you spend discussing it. After all, you could be spending time with your spouse in much more enjoyable ways.

Do not be afraid to disagree with your spouse. It will happen, probably a lot, but just keep this in mind. You need to get to the root of your feelings. If a discussion turns into an angry fight, please remember that anger is a secondary emotion. There is always something beneath the anger. The more vulnerable emotions like fear, shame, and sadness, tend to get covered with a shield of anger when we become defensive. It is very easy to become defensive if we get into a disagreement with our spouse. If you can remember that you are on the same side and not each other’s competition and if you can fight fairly, you will find that you are building a mutually satisfying and fulfilling marriage, because you will always be able to resolve any differences. That will free up more time for the good stuff! So, fight fairly now and enjoy the fruits of your marriage later.

 

Mind Reading: One Stumbling Block to Communication

 Are you a mind reader? I am not talking about the people you meet at the carnival. Mind reading, according to Beck (1995), is a cognitive distortion in which one believes he knows what someone is thinking and reacts accordingly. Another component of mind reading is believing that someone should know what you are thinking and you become upset when one does not. This type of thinking can cause annoyance, frustration, and even anger within a marriage and it can certainly cause communication difficulties.

Imagine this scenario. Your spouse had a hard day and he or she comes home in a bad mood. He or she is irritable, not very talkative, and not very affectionate. If you are mind reading, then you are thinking this behavior by your spouse has something to do with you. You start to become very upset. You may start to tell yourself awful things like, "He must be mad at me" or "Maybe he is falling out of love with me." You ruminate on these thoughts, get yourself very upset, and perhaps you either put up a wall of defense or you initiate an argument solely based on your negative emotions. Meanwhile, your spouse is an innocent person who has no idea why you are so upset.

I had a client, whom I will refer to as Alice. Alice had voiced her frustration about her husband time and time again. She often complained about how he never communicated his feelings, how he never took the initiative to plan activities, and how he simply did not care about her opinions. The more we probed, the more it became apparent that she was doing a lot of mind reading. She thought, for sure, that her husband was thinking how unattractive she was because she had gained some weight. She believed that he was falling out of love with her and she became very depressed. Once she realized that she was projecting her own feelings of insecurity onto her husband, and once she learned to communicate with him, she and her husband were able to make progress in their relationship.

The simple way to overcome this type of mind reading is to ask. Stop assuming your spouse is thinking something and check in with him or her. Let us use the earlier scenario involving the irritable spouse. Let us call them Bob and Nancy. Rather than Nancy assuming Bob's behavior had something to do with his opinion of her, Nancy could have simply said something like this, "Bob, I notice that you seem a bit irritable and you did not kiss me hello when you came in the house. Is something bothering you?" At that point, Bob would have had the opportunity to share with Nancy how horrible work has been for him lately and how his boss is always breathing down his neck. He would have been able to apologize to Nancy and assure her that his behavior had nothing to do with her. This could have strengthened their communication and relationship. By mind reading, Nancy caused a rift. She missed an opportunity to help and support Bob during a difficult time and she created a situation in which she put up a defensive wall of anger, believing Bob was thinking something about her that he just was not. If this is a common theme in Bob and Nancy's relationship, then you can imagine the potential problems that can result. So, the moral of Bob and Nancy's story is this. Stop assuming you know what your spouse is thinking and just ask!

Another type of mind reading is believing your spouse should know what you are thinking. You basically are expecting your spouse to be a mind reader. You believe your spouse should know what you want or need at any given time and you become upset when he or she does not deliver. You walk around feeling disappointment, frustration, or anger, while your spouse has no idea why you are so upset.  Let us revisit Alice. Alice constantly asked, "Shouldn't he just know what I want?" Time and time again I answered, "No, you may have to accept that you must spell it out for him. He is not a mind reader."

Stop assuming that your spouse knows what you want or need and take the time to spell it out for him or her. If you find yourself feeling angry because your spouse failed to do or say something you wanted him or her to do or say but did not, and you have not communicated what you wanted, then it is simply unfair of you to walk around feeling this way. Your spouse cannot address what has not been brought to his or her attention, so, put your pride on the shelf, stop assuming your spouse "should know" what you are thinking, and communicate!

This may seem like a trivial subject, but I assure you, many marital issues begin as minor issues. Minor issues cause minor irritations that, if left unaddressed, can begin to grow into real resentment. Mind reading can cause terrible communication problems because acting as if one knows what the other is thinking or acting as if the other should know what one is thinking leaves both parties vulnerable to anger and resentment. If you are reading this and you feel that what has been said resonated with you, then I challenge you to start making better efforts to check in with your spouse. Simply ask if he or she was thinking what you are assuming he or she is thinking and/or convey to your spouse what you are thinking rather than assuming your spouse should just know. This small tweak in communication can help you to avoid major problems down the line. Remember not to let that root of bitterness grow and you can defend against that by not mind-reading. Good luck and God bless!

 

Reference:

Beck, J.S. (1995), Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Oh How Men and Women Are Different; Let Us Count the Ways

 

I need to start this discussion with a couple of disclaimers. Firstly, feminists may not want to read any further, because I will be reinforcing the notion that men and women are in fact different and some may consider this to be politically incorrect. I am far from PC. Consider yourself warned.  Secondly, there are always exceptions to the rules. Men can have more feminine traits, while women can have more masculine traits. The purpose of this discussion is to help married couples understand one another more. Having said that, let us now look at the many ways men and women are different.

1) We think differently.  I once read the perfect description of how the minds of men and women operate. Bill and Pam Farrel wrote that men think in boxes, while women think like a plate of spaghetti. That basically means that men tend to compartmentalize. They put things in figurative boxes and think about one thing at a time. Sometimes, they file the box away and avoid thinking about certain things. This can account for how our husbands sometimes forget things that seem easy enough to remember.

Women, on the other hand, think like a plate of spaghetti. Think about that for a second. A plate of spaghetti consists of many, many noodles overlapping. Sometimes, one noodle may not be distinguishable from another. It is a pile of jumbled mess. In other words, we women think about several things all at once. We do not compartmentalize very well. We tend to remember much more than our husbands do. We multitask better than our husbands do and we are reluctant to just file away our thoughts, like our husbands can do at times.

How this can affect your relationship: Men, when you compartmentalize, it can make your wives feel as if they are “out of sight, out of mind.” If they do not feel that you are thinking about them, it can make them feel unloved, forgotten, or dismissed. Knowing this, you can make an extra effort to let them know that you are thinking about them and the things that are important to them. Take a minute and send an “I love you text”. Give them a quick phone call to let them know you are thinking of them. Pay attention to what your wife is saying and let her know that what she has to say is important to you. Women, thinking about everything all at once can be exhausting and anxiety provoking. Just because something seems important to you at a particular time does not mean that your husband is thinking about it. If he is not, it does not mean that he does not care. It simply means his mind was occupied by something else. Remember, he thinks about things one issue at a time. What you are thinking about may be in another box in his mind. Just communicate with him and he will pull the proper box.

2) We express our emotions differently. In spite of popular opinion, men do have emotions. They simply manifest differently in men than they do in women. My husband and I are a perfect example of this. True to form, I am very emotional, while my husband is, well, not. Do not get me wrong. When things are good, he is a loving, attentive, and affectionate husband. When things are not so good, his inner Spock comes out. He is all logic and he is very calm. That can be a very good thing, especially when I am so upset and can barely think straight, but it can also be a source of difficulty for us. I have recognized this trait to be a defense mechanism for my husband. He simply must allow logic to kick in so he does not fall apart and so he can be my rock when I need a stable force; however, it can also inhibit him from really dealing with some tough emotions and it has made me feel alone at times. If I am the only one in pain, it can feel very isolating. It can also be frustrating, because, sometimes, I just do not know what he is feeling and I just hate that!

I, on the other hand, am very emotional. My husband never has to guess what I am feeling. I am basically an open book. I am passionate, expressive, and open. That can be good because my husband knows how loved he is by me. He delights in watching me pursue the things about which I am passionate. I amuse him with my humor and I make him feel secure with my nurturing ways. However, my emotionality can be very intimidating. My anger can be very overwhelming to him.-When I am upset, it can render him paralyzed. Sometimes, my emotions can be so strong, I may not even seem rational to him. As you can imagine, this has gotten in the way of our communication in the past. We have been together for a long time and we have done a lot of hard work together. Now that we know each other so well, we have learned how to compensate for our differences and work with them, rather than against them.

How this can affect your relationship: If these types of differences resonate with you, please keep this in mind. Ladies, just because you are not immediately seeing emotion from your husband, that does not mean he is not feeling any. You need to pay attention because his emotions manifest differently for them. Rather than making assumptions or trying to read your husbands’ mind, ask him what he is feeling. Be patient if he struggles to identify his feelings. Men tend to struggle with more vulnerable emotions, such as fear, sadness, or shame. Often, anger is a shield for those more vulnerable emotions. There is always something under anger, so you may try to help him identify those feelings. Men, remember this and practice this often: VALIDATE YOUR WIVES’ FEELINGS. Whatever you do, do NOT dismiss their feelings. You may not agree with or understand why your wife is feeling what they are feeling, but her feelings are not wrong. Allow her to feel what she feels and ask her to help you understand why she feels the way she feels. A little understanding and validation go a long way for us women.

3) We have different needs. The things that motivate men and women can be very different. I always tell the couples I counsel that in their relationships, men need to feel respected and women need to feel loved. In my infidelity recovery work with couples, and this is just my observations, I see that men have affairs to build their egos, while women have affairs because they want to feel loved. Men are socialized to be the strong providers for their families. They want to know that their hard work and sacrifices are noticed and appreciated by their mates. They feel pride when they are able to provide for their families’ needs. Conversely, they feel emasculated if they believe they have failed in any way.

Women need to feel loved, appreciated, and respected too, but love is our number one need. No matter how difficult things get, no matter what stresses from life are thrown our way, if we feel loved by our husbands, we can conquer anything. The happiness we feel from being loved fuels us and helps us to face everything from financial hardship to drama with the children, and more. Conversely, if we do not feel loved, no matter how great the rest of our lives are, we feel a sadness that simply does not allow us to fully enjoy the blessings in our lives. The feeling of not being loved by our husbands becomes a shadow cast over everything and sends us into a state of despair.

How this can affect your relationship: Remember what I said previously about how we express emotions. If a man does not feel respected by his wife, he may start to feel like he has failed somehow. His pride in himself is diminished. He starts to feel shame and may become depressed. He has difficulty with these vulnerable emotions, so his feelings manifest as pure anger and resentment. Although he may not be happy with himself, he projects this onto his wife and then starts to resent her. This leads to poor communication, a rift in the relationship and, sadly, it can leave him vulnerable to infidelity. If a woman does not feel loved, she feels lonely within her relationship. This loneliness turns to sadness, emptiness, and despair. She starts to question her self-worth and her self-esteem takes a big hit. This can cause resentment, which can lead to her feeling distant from her husband. She too can be vulnerable to infidelity if she feels all of the above. Ladies and gentleman, you must love, honor, and cherish your partners. You must make every effort to speak their love language. I highly recommend The 5 Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman (www.5lovelanguages.com). Learn your own and each other’s love languages and speak them!

4) We have different roles. Another disclaimer: the following may not be considered politically correct by some. There are some things men cannot do that women can and there are things women cannot do that men can. Yes, we are different. We have different strengths, we have different gifts and we are built differently. More than that, we each fill different needs and different purposes. This is not something to be fought, to complain about, or to resist; this is something to be embraced and celebrated.

In my marriage, my husband and I have settled into our roles. We have learned to accept and even celebrate each other’s strengths and we have learned to work around and support each other in our weaknesses. I do the cooking, because, quite frankly, my husband would burn water! He does the mowing of the lawn because I am highly allergic to fresh-cut grass. One whiff and my face looks like Rocky after a fight. Plus, I really hate yard work! You and your spouse need to figure out your roles and work with each other’s strengths and support each other in your weaknesses.

How this can affect your relationship: Roles can be a tricky thing, especially if one or both partners feel as if they are not succeeding in their roles. For example, men tend to be the breadwinners in the relationship. If they are not financially successful, they may feel inadequate and that can lead to depression. Depression in men often presents as anger. Remember, they have difficulty expressing vulnerable emotions. Women are typically the caregivers. If they feel they are not doing well with raising the children, their self-esteem can be negatively affected. Their sense of self-worth may suffer. When women feel inadequate, it can adversely affect their expression of affection. These are just examples to illustrate how the roles we fill can affect how we see ourselves. It is ok to ask your spouse for help and it is essential for spouses to offer words of encouragement. Remember, you are a team.

God created men and women differently for a reason. Marriage is so sacred. When a man and a woman come together as one flesh, it is a representation of who God is. The man represents the authority part of God. He is the provider. The woman represents the life-giving part of God. She is the nurturer and giver of life. If you think of it in these terms, is not that a beautiful concept? Our roles are not more important than our spouses’. They are different but equally important. Our differences are not something to fear or resist. Once we understand these differences, our assumptions and the ways we interact can change. We can have more patience for our spouses, more empathy, and more love for them. Remember, different does not mean unequal. Enjoy each other! God bless.

8 Rules to Help your Spouse Heal from Infidelity

 

PLEASE NOTE: This article was originally published in 2015

I am sure you have heard the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, but that is not always true. In my experience counseling couples recovering from infidelity, I have observed that cheaters fall into one of 3 main categories. First, there is the Narcissist. This type is the serial cheater who has no remorse and may even feel entitled to cheat, simply because he or she wants to. This is the type who probably will continue to cheat, whether he or she is caught or not. The second type is the addict. This person is either addicted to sex or addicted to the excitement of having “the forbidden fruit”. This type may actually have remorse but may need professional help to stop. Finally, the third type is your average person. There may or may not be marital issues, but this person usually enters the slippery slope of befriending someone of the opposite sex. The “friendship” grows very important to this person. The cheater may begin by sharing personal information about the marital issues and there may be more and more time and energy invested into the “friendship” until the cheater slides into an emotional affair, a physical affair or both. Most of the time, this person has remorse and when faced with the possibility of losing his or her marriage, he or she desperately seeks to heal the marriage. If you are reading this and you have cheated, and if you fit into category number 3, please take the following rules of infidelity recovery seriously, that is, of course, if you want to save your marriage.

Rule #1: Immediately cut contact with the other person (OP).

This is rule number one for a reason. In order to be fully emotionally available to your hurting spouse, you must not be emotionally connected to the OP. You must cut contact completely and fully. I will use the analogy of the alcoholic. In order for an alcoholic to stay clean and sober, he must never take another alcoholic beverage again. He must remove himself from the people, places, and things that tempt him. He must learn new coping skills so that the need for alcohol disappears. You must sever the attachment you had with the OP completely so that you can emotionally re-attach to your spouse. Remember, you took vows with your spouse, not the OP. You owe the OP nothing. He or she knew you were married when he or she chose to have an affair with a married person. Just like all of us, the OP must deal with the consequences of his or her choices and actions.

 This rule gets a bit tricky if the affair partner was a co-worker; however, if your betrayed spouse is too tortured by you working with the OP, you may need to find other employment. I am not suggesting that you quit immediately. I understand that finances may be tough and you cannot leave your present job until you find another one, but if you want to save your marriage, you may need to consider this. While you are still in your present job and if you still work with the OP, you must take all measures to limit contact to work-related issues only and never communicate outside of the workplace. Make your boundaries clear and known to the OP. Again, remember, you took vows with your spouse, not the OP, and you owe the OP nothing. In her book, Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass explains that a committed relationship has walls (or boundaries) that protect the relationship from harm. When one enters into an affair, the affair partner gets a window into the marital relationship, while the spouse has a wall of secrecy between him or her and the affair relationship. To heal your marriage, the window and the wall must be reversed. We will return to this analogy again.

Rule#2: Allow complete access and transparency.

Transparency means it is time to open the books, figuratively and literally. Give your spouse access to cell phones, email, and social media accounts. Give your spouse all of your passwords. Not only should you expect your spouse to check on you for a while, you should want him or her to check. Basically, your betrayed spouse must catch you “being good” in order to be able to trust you again. 

I often see a lot of resistance from cheating spouses on this rule. They believe they still have a right to their privacy. They do not want to be treated like a child and they feel insulted, because they “swear” they have ended the affair. My simple response to these objections is this. Do want your privacy or do you want to save your marriage? You saying “I swear” now means nothing. You have destroyed the blind, unconditional trust your spouse once had in you. Your spouse’s world has been blown apart by your lies and betrayal. This is an extreme situation and extreme situations call for extreme measures. For now, you must give up your “right” to privacy. I promise you that if you do this, after a period of time of being caught being good, your spouse’s need to check up on you will diminish. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Is this not the least you can do to help your spouse heal?

Rule #3: Be accountable.

This goes along with being transparent. Basically, being accountable means being where you say you are going to be when you say you are going to be there. It means following through with your promises. It means having an explanation if you are late and not meeting questions with defensiveness or resistance.

This rule becomes difficult for some cheating spouses because it can get tiresome having to detail every move that is made. This can be scary for some.  I recently counseled a couple in which the husband was the cheating spouse. He really resisted this rule. He told his betrayed wife that he did not want to spend his life “living under a microscope”. In his case, he still felt a lot of shame about what he had done, and having to be accountable for every step he took just fed his feelings of shame. I understand that adults in a committed relationship do not think they should have to tell their spouse every time they run an errand or go to lunch with some coworkers, but this is a different circumstance. That would be true if the trust your spouse had for you was still intact, but it is not and that is your fault. Are you willing to help your spouse trust you again so you can save your marriage? How is this rule looking now?

Rule #4: Answer all of your spouse’s questions completely and honestly.

This rule is sometimes difficult for the cheating spouse to understand. He or she may wonder why the betrayed spouse needs to hear all of the nitty-gritty details of the affair. Often, the initial inclination for the cheating spouse is to leave out details, downplay certain events, or do something that is referred to as “trickle truthing” (Glass, 2003), which is the act of admitting to the details of the affair little by little to avoid the distress of the betrayed spouse learning the entirety of the offense. A cheating spouse has many reasons to trickle truth. He or she may think he or she is protecting the betrayed spouse from further hurt. He or she may be protecting himself or herself from further shame, or he or she may even be protecting the OP to some extent. Let me be absolutely clear here. You are not protecting your spouse. If there are details you have not revealed to your spouse and they are found out some other way, the damage that will result will be far worse than your spouse knowing the entire truth of your betrayal. Each discovery of new information or details sets your betrayed spouse back, so answer the questions as they are asked, no matter how difficult and uncomfortable it may be.

Let me share what one of my clients told her husband when he could not understand why she was asking so many specific questions about his affair with a coworker. She told him this, “I feel as if another woman is walking around with knowledge of my husband that only I should know. I feel as if she has stolen a piece of you from me. The only way for me to feel that I have you back fully is if I know everything she knows.” As hard as it is for the betrayed spouse to hear the intimate details of your affair, you need to be completely honest and specific about what you did. If things do not make sense in the mind of the betrayed spouse because you left out significant details, he or she will try to fill the gaps in their mind. Sometimes what goes on in the imagination of the betrayed spouse is far worse than what actually took place. Not only are you not protecting your spouse from further pain by hiding details, but you are also actually causing more pain and turmoil for your spouse. As hard as it may be, you must answer the questions about the affair, honestly and completely. That way, your spouse will know that you are able to tell the truth, no matter how difficult it is for you. That is how you earn back trust.

Rule #5: Allow your spouse to set the pace of recovery, NOT YOU!

The process of recovering from infidelity for couples is a very long and hard one. There are many ups and downs, bumps in the road, and setbacks, for both the cheating spouse and the betrayed spouse. The one who cheated may feel deep remorse and he or she may feel as if they have done everything they can do to help the hurting spouse. All they want to do is put their egregious act behind them and move forward. That is all well and good, but that is unrealistic and unfair. Experts agree that it takes at least 2-5 years for a couple to get past an affair and return to a state of normalcy within the relationship again (Bercht, 2004; Glass, 2003).

Here is an example from another couple I counseled; we will call them Jack and Karen. Jack cheated on Karen and the affair ended when Karen found out about Jack’s infidelity when she overheard him talking on the phone. Jack was very patient and nurturing at first. He answered all of Karen’s questions, but he grew impatient after a while. Karen started to ask repetitive questions. At times, she argued with Jack because she did not like the answers she heard, and this frustrated Jack to no end. One day, out of sheer exhaustion and exasperation, he asked, “How long is she going to keep me hanging on the cross like this?” My response was, “As long as it takes.” I then shared an analogy a colleague once shared with me, “You see your wife is struggling to climb the mountain. You have already reached the top and you are tired of looking down the mountain since you want to keep moving, but your wife is struggling to get to the top. She is stuck. You cannot yell down to her from the top saying, ‘Hurry up and get here already. We need to keep moving forward!’ You have to get down there and help her climb.” You inflicted trauma upon your spouse. Why do you expect him or her to suffer in silence? It does not matter if your affair lasted a few days or a few years; you betrayed your spouse and it is going to take a lot of time and work for your spouse to resolve the trauma and grief over the loss of the purity of the marriage. This you must accept. Your betrayed spouse dictates the timeframe of recovery; not you.

Rule #6: Offer constant encouragement, reassurance, and apologies if necessary.

In his book Relationship Rescue (2000), and on his popular daytime TV show, Dr. Phil McGraw said that the one who cheats is solely responsible for his or her affair. No matter what problems exist in the relationship and no matter how the betrayed spouse behaves, he or she did not make you cheat. You chose to do that. There are ways to deal with unhappiness in a marriage, but I assure you, cheating is absolutely not one of them. Cheating is merely a way to escape and avoid dealing with either marital issues or your own personal shortcomings. Cheating is about ego. It is selfish. Short of holding a gun to your head and forcing you to go outside the marriage, your spouse is not to blame for your affair. Own your stuff fully.

In owning your stuff, you must take full responsibility for your choice to cheat. Forget about the excuses, “I did not mean for it to happen” or “I never meant to hurt you.” Guess what. It did happen by choice; it was no accident. You may not have meant to hurt your spouse, but you did, badly. It will take you fully owning what you did, expressing remorse, and constantly reassuring your spouse that you will never repeat this mistake again for him or her to fully heal. As many times as you think you have apologized, do it again and again if your spouse needs you to. You turned your spouse’s world upside down. You were the one your spouse thought he or she could always count on and you were the one who caused your spouse more pain than he or she could ever have imagined. Do you think having to constantly apologize is hard? Well, think about how hard it is to be your spouse right now. Do you want to make amends and save your marriage? Then get over it!

Rule #7: Protect the marriage.

Protecting the marriage is a multi-faceted endeavor. It involves what I mentioned earlier, which is reversing the window and the wall. The OP must have no access to you or to your marriage and you have to start letting your spouse in on what you did, why you did it, and how you were able to do it. This takes maturity and a lot of introspection. You have to know why and how you were able to go outside your marriage and break your marriage vows. Only when you fully own your behavior and learn from your mistakes can you avoid repeating the problematic behavior.

Protecting the marriage also entails surrounding yourself with “friends of the marriage” (Bercht, 2004; Glass, 2003). This means that you must have people in your life who support your marriage, who support your choice to save the marriage, and who do not try and undermine or sabotage the process. I counseled a couple in which the husband, I will call him Ron, was the cheater. Ron’s best friend was still single and it was obvious that he did not like Ron’s wife very much. Ron’s friend constantly talked badly about Ron’s wife and he frequently encouraged Ron to leave his wife. It confused Ron and deeply hurt his wife. Ron had been friends with this man for several years and his allegiance was split. If you are in a similar situation as Ron, I am sorry to tell you that if you want to save your marriage, you may have to cut this type of toxic person from your life. If people around you do not support you in this very important and difficult infidelity recovery process, then you need to let them go.

Protecting the marriage also means refraining from speaking badly about your spouse. The protective wall around the marriage means that outsiders are not privy to the problems within the walls. That is a private matter between a husband and wife. If you have trusted friends of the marriage and you need to talk, then do so, but only with friends of the same gender. By speaking badly about your spouse to anyone and everyone, you are making yourself vulnerable. Along with refraining from speaking ill of your spouse, you must also refrain from flirting with those of the opposite sex. By doing so, you are not only inviting trouble, but you are disrespecting your spouse. To those who have little regard for the institution of marriage, flirting gives the impression that you do not care about your spouse’s feelings. If you do not care, why should they?

What I am about to suggest is very controversial and many may not agree, but this part of protecting the marriage is crucial, especially in the beginning stages of infidelity recovery. You cannot have close friendships with those of the opposite sex. Under normal circumstances, it may be possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without your spouse feeling threatened or jealous, but these are not normal circumstances, and, do not forget, that is your fault. Do not have lunch alone with someone of the opposite sex, no coffee, no extended conversations, and no social activities with someone of the opposite sex. Do not forget also that you were initially “just friends” with your affair partner. You have already proven that you do not understand healthy boundaries, so it is absolutely unrealistic for you to expect that your spouse will be comfortable with you having a close friendship with a person of the opposite sex now. I will use this analogy to help you understand better. If you are on a diet and you love chocolate, you would not keep fudge brownies in the house. Sure, your resolve may be strong for the moment and you may even be able to resist those brownies, but you are still vulnerable and you still need to learn why you turned to food for comfort. It is much better to keep the brownies out of the house until you fully understand your weakness for chocolate. Sure, you may be able to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, but you first need to learn what healthy boundaries entail and you need to understand how you were vulnerable to having an affair. Is it worth torturing your spouse and risking your marriage to prove you can handle such a friendship?  I do not think it is.

Rule #8: Agree to go to marriage counseling.

All of the preceding rules are difficult to follow, especially if the cheating spouse is still rationalizing and justifying his or her choice to cheat. The betrayed spouse has every right to the range of emotions he or she will inevitably be feeling. The betrayed spouse experiences both a trauma effect and a grief response when an affair is discovered. Some betrayed spouses may even suffer a post-traumatic response similar to that of PTSD. The grief comes from the loss of the security he or she once felt. There is a loss of trust. There is a feeling of being violated by the OP. There could also be other fallout from affairs such as sexually transmitted diseases or even pregnancies. So much damage has been caused. With such intense emotions, you most certainly need guidance from a professional to sift through the aftermath of your indiscretion.

It is essential to find a therapist who is experienced in helping couples through infidelity recovery. Dr. Glass addresses this issue in Not Just Friends. Her premise is that if couples are not progressing in therapy, it may not be because the marriage cannot be saved, but because the couple has an inexperienced therapist who may side with one spouse over the other or who may be obviously judgmental. A good therapist who is experienced in the field of infidelity recovery will impartially guide a couple through the process, gently holding the cheating spouse accountable, while helping him or her understand what led him or her to infidelity. Once the infidelity issues are fully dealt with, then and only then can the couple deal with the marital issues. The betrayed spouse must own his or her contribution to the marital issues, but, to repeat, the cheating spouse is 100% responsible for his or her affair.

I would like to end this discussion with some words of encouragement. Couples can survive infidelity. Not only can they survive, but they can also thrive. The journey through infidelity recovery forces both spouses to do an enormous amount of introspection. Both can learn so much about themselves and they may even resolve old issues that needed to be addressed but may not have been had the infidelity not occurred. Relationships are kicked from their complacency, forcing couples to look at what was not working between them. Spouses learn about both themselves and about each other and they may become closer than they have ever been. They learn that marriage is precious and that it takes work, but they also learn that it is worth the effort. No one would ever choose to be betrayed and hurt, but since it did happen, since you, the cheating spouse, chose to go outside the marriage, good can come from this enormous mistake, but only if you do the work and follow the rules to help your spouse heal from your infidelity. Good luck and God bless.

References:

Bercht, A. (2004). My Husband’s Affair became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.    

       Victoria B.C.: Trafford.

Glass, S.P. (2003). Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After

Infidelity. New York: Free Press.

       McGraw, P.C. (2000). Relationship Rescue: A seven Step Strategy For Reconnecting With

            Your Partner. New York: Hyperion.