The 5 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid

 

To paraphrase Dr. Phil, the one who needs to change in a troubled relationship is the one who can. You may be asking what this means exactly. In other words, we can never make our spouses change. We cannot make them act a certain way, respond a certain way, think a certain way, or feel a certain way. The only thing we can do is look at ourselves, take inventory of how we may be contributing to problems within the relationship, and make a decision to change our own behaviors and reactions. The following are 5 relationship pitfalls we may experience and ways to deal with them.

1.Getting sucked into the emotional vortex:

We so easily react to our spouse’s heightened emotional behaviors. We get angry; we scream, and yell and we get drawn into tumultuous arguments that only increase resentment and cause further damage to the relationship. It is essential to recognize when this is occurring and when we do, we must decide to resist the reactivity. Mindfully observe your spouse and ask yourself what he or she is feeling underneath the anger. There are always more vulnerable emotions beneath the shield of anger, such as fear, hurt, or shame. If you can resist feeding into that anger and look for the statements beneath the statements, you may just get to your spouse’s heart. Stay calm. Eventually, validating your spouse’s feelings will prove more productive than facing anger with anger.

2.Trying to reason with someone who is being unreasonable:

For the parents reading this, remember when your toddlers would have massive meltdowns? Did you try and deal with the situation by trying to have a logical discussion with them? Of course, you did not. Most likely, you waited them out and addressed their behavior once they calmed down or finished their time-outs. A ranting and raving spouse is much like that toddler having a temper tantrum. In that state of mind, your spouse is not thinking logically or rationally; therefore, attempting to appeal to him or her with reason and logic will not work. Just like you did with your toddlers, you may need to convey the message that you will not discuss the issue until your spouse is able to express himself or herself appropriately, and then walk away. Doing this consistently tells your spouse that he or she will get a lot further with you if he or she conducts himself or herself like an adult rather than a toddler having a temper tantrum.

3.Having to be right:

Ok, confession time, I am definitely guilty of this one. I always remind my husband that his life would be much easier if he would just accept that I am always right! I kid, of course, but pride can be a huge stumbling block in a marriage. As I tell the couples I counsel, it is time to change the language we use when dealing with each other. Give up the words “right,” “wrong,” “fault,” and “blame.” These are not productive. Remember that it is not about who is right and who is wrong, or whose fault it is; it is about a difference in perspective. We may have a different take on the situation. Our truths may not match exactly. Therefore, the goal is to find a middle ground where we can understand one another’s perspective. Just because you may not agree with your spouse’s perspective does not mean he or she is wrong, and you are right. Strive to validate your spouse’s feelings and sincerely try to understand what he or she is trying to express. The question is this; do you want pride, or do you want peace?

4.Treating your spouse like your competition:

Are you and your spouse constantly trying to “one up” each other? Do you do spiteful things to each other? Do you constantly vie for attention? Do you find yourself feeling jealous when your spouse experiences an achievement or has good fortune? Do resent when other people praise your spouse? Do you avoid encouraging your spouse to better himself or herself? Do you resist supporting him or her in his or her endeavors? Do you avoid taking an interest in his or her goals? Do you ever do things to sabotage your spouse and he or she strives to achieve those goals? If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions, take caution. You are not being a loving partner, or even a partner for that matter. Do not forget that you are on the same team. In a loving relationship, spouses delight in each other’s achievements and successes. We swoon with pride when we hear other people praise our spouse. We seek every way possible to help our spouse achieve his or her dreams and aspirations. We seek only to build our spouse up, not tear him or her down with spite or jealousy. Your marriage is not a competition, so please be a better partner and be a good teammate!

5.Shutting down and/or retreating:

So many people fear confrontation. Those who avoid it like the plague are not helping the relationship. What usually happens is the spouse who shuts down or retreats in the face of conflict does not express his or her feelings. The vulnerable feelings, like hurt or sadness, get suppressed. They build up within the person and they seep out in other ways, either consciously or subconsciously. This is what is known as being passive-aggressive. The person cannot deal with those feelings about the conflict directly, so he or she may behave in hurtful ways, like “forgetting” to pick up her husband’s clothes from the dry cleaners or “forgetting” his wife’s birthday. The one who avoids conflict turns the negative emotions inward and may become depressed as a result. The bottom line is this. You do not need to fear a fight with your spouse. Fighting is not the problem. As long as you fight fairly, issues can be resolved. Feelings do not go away if you do not deal with them, so stop being afraid to resolve your issues with your spouse.

We all come across difficult times in our marriages. In the almost 29 years I have been married to my husband, I have had to eat a lot of humble pie. It is never easy to face our own shortcomings and mistakes, but it is essential to do that. We are not perfect, and neither are our spouses, God did not put us together with our spouse to control him or her. We are to encourage our spouse to be the best version of himself or herself, and we must remember the love we share with our spouse. Remember this; when problems exist within a relationship, it is never just because of one person. We always contribute to the problem in one way or another, either by action or inaction. Own your own behavior, and when you act in a way that is damaging to the relationship, FIX IT! Be the change you want to see. Good luck and God bless!