The Story of Jonah

I was thinking about the story of Jonah. When we think of him, we automatically think about the whale and how he spent 3 days and nights inside its belly. There is so much more to this story though. Jonah was given the task by God to go to Nineveh and spread the word that God rules over all men and that all need to turn from sin and worship Him. You must understand that Nineveh was filled with the people of Israel’s very worst enemies. They were sinning greatly against God and were in need of redemption, but Nineveh was the last place on earth Jonah wanted to go. In fact, he ran in the opposite direction, which is what placed the ship he was on, along with all the men on it, in jeopardy. God was angered with Jonah’s resistance to do His will and he caused great tumult in the sea. Jonah realized this was his fault, so he threw himself into the sea so that the men and the ship would be spared. That is when the whale swallowed him.

While in the belly of the beast, Jonah felt great remorse. He knew that God had given him a very specific task and he was too afraid to see it through. Imagine, God Almighty Himself telling you to do something and you are going to fear the task more than God Himself? It sounds crazy, but then I thought about it a little and I realized that I am probably just like Jonah. Nineveh would probably be the equivalent in threat to the Jewish people as Syria is today. I will be honest; if God told me to go to Syria and spread the word of God there among people who want me dead, I would probably be just as resistant as Jonah was.

So Jonah repented and God made the whale spit him out onto dry land. He then ran through Nineveh and did as God told him to do. An amazing thing occurred. The people of Nineveh repented of their sins, turned to the God of Israel for forgiveness and they were redeemed. Jonah should have been thrilled, right? Well, he was not. He had what I read as a big old temper tantrum. He did not want the enemies of his people, the enemies that veraciously desired the annihilation of Israel, to be redeemed. He wanted them annihilated! God instructed and corrected Jonah yet again and Jonah, once again, realized the error of his ways.

Jonah was not exactly a willing servant, was he? His heart was good though. He cared so much for his people. He was really just reacting to that passion, the passion to protect his country. Although he was not the bravest, he ultimately did what was right in the sight of God. He had to learn a couple of hard lessons, but at least he was teachable.

Again, I can really relate to Jonah. I am certainly not perfect. Sometimes, I feel like a wimp when I allow my fears to stop me from doing things I know I need to do. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, some big ones, but, just like Jonah, I remain teachable. Mistakes can be tremendous teachers if we remain teachable. Sure we can feel badly when we mess up. It is human nature to wallow for a time in our little pity parties, but it is so very important not to stay there. Look at the situation, find where you went wrong, own it, take responsibility for it and amend the behavior.

Those who blame others for their mistakes, blame the circumstances, or even blame God, tend to stay stuck in their pity parties. Their lives do not tend to work because they repeat the same mistakes, over and over again. They are not willing to see where they went wrong and if a person is not willing to do that, then he or she will not know to amend the behavior; therefore, the behavior will inevitably be repeated in one form or another. If Jonah had not repented and amended his behavior, he would have not only perished, but he would have taken a lot of innocent people down with him. I know I never want to be responsible for hurting other people because of my weaknesses.

So let us tie this all together. How can you apply the story of Jonah to your life? If you find yourself having to face an impossible task, accept that it is human to have fears and doubts. If you make mistakes or if you allow your fears to compel you to run in the other direction, then do not wallow in shame, regret or self-doubt. Allow yourself to be teachable and learn from your mistakes. Allow the situation to birth new wisdom within you. Take that newly acquired wisdom and use it for the next big task that is presented to you. Help others face their big tasks with less fear and doubt. Nothing is wasted by God, not even your mistakes. The really great news is this. As long as your soul is returned to you each morning, you have another chance to get it right! God bless!

Release the Toxins!

I would like to talk about how negative emotions can weigh us down. That is a figure of speech, but we actually do feel emotions in our bodies. For example, how many of you feel that tightness in your chest or pains in your stomach when you are feeling anxious? How many of you feel your internal temperature actually rise when you get angry? How about when you are so scared, you actually feel the blood drain from your face? The mind and the body are intertwined and always affect each other.

Taking this a bit further, unexpressed emotion can actually cause harm to our bodies. When we suppress or hold in our emotions, it does not really stay contained. I liken it to pollutants that are buried underground and the poisons are seeping into the water supply. Suppressed emotions work the same way in our minds and bodies. Suppressed emotions always find their way out somehow and they can manifest in very serious ways. In previous blog articles, I have written about how men have a more difficult time expressing their emotions than women do. Do you still wonder why high blood pressure occurs more in men than women? Do you wonder why men die at younger ages than women? Lifestyle choices affect these outcomes of course, but I truly believe that the inability to express emotion causes medical problems, such as irritable bowel, high blood pressure, hormonal imbalances, fatigue, heart palpitations, and so on.

I know someone who has been walking around with anger and unforgiveness for years. I will not disclose details, but years of unresolved issues that have accumulated cause this person to remain in a state of bitterness. Not so coincidentally, she has myriad health issues, in spite of the fact that she does not drink alcohol or smoke. She has irritable bowel, pain issues, fatigue, and recently developed reflux disease. I am sure genetics play some role in her problems, but her unresolved anger is absolutely exacerbating her symptoms.

When we deal with the unpleasant emotions, we suddenly feel lighter and, of course, happier. It is like releasing a huge weight off of our minds and bodies when we appropriately process and deal with something that has plagued us emotionally. I will share a story from one of my clients. Her boyfriend left his ex-wife because their marriage had too many issues to fix. He has 2 children and he has been carrying enormous guilt ever since. He felt that he abandoned his kids. He and his son have a very close relationship, but his relationship with his teenaged daughter, to him, seemed strained. He had convinced himself it was because she was angry at him for leaving, yet he never dealt with it. He has been suffering with tremendous anxiety as a result. Finally, he decided to have a heart to heart talk with her, because he wanted a better relationship with her. He apologized for leaving and told her that he did not leave her, just the marriage, and that he loves her very much and will always be there for her. Her response was, “Dad, I forgave you a long time ago. In fact, I see now that you and mom getting divorced was a good thing for both of you. We’re good!” My client said when he came home, he told her that he feels as if a huge burden has been lifted and she reports that he seems much happier now. That was a lot of wasted years for him. It is a good thing he finally decided to deal with the problem so it did not poison him from the inside.

If this resonates with you, I challenge you to stop poisoning yourself from the inside. Deal with the buried emotional pollutants so you can live a light-hearted and joyous, not to mention healthier, life. It says in Proverbs 12:25, “Anxiety in a person’s heart weighs him down, but a kind word cheers him up.” Do not suppress your feelings. Deal with any bitterness right away, before it grows and festers. Be kind. Think positively. Have a grateful attitude. Do not carry weight on your shoulders by harboring negativity. Deal with it and then let it go. Your mind and body will thank you! God bless!

Chag Purim Sameach!

Happy Purim everyone! For those who do not know what Purim is, it comes from the Book of Esther in the Old Testament. The holiday commemorates  the Jewish people's triumph over an evil villain named Haman (it is the Jewish tradition to yell "BOO" every time his name is mentioned). The heroes of the story are Esther, the beautiful Jewish maiden who became the Queen in the region of Shushan, Persia, and Mordechai, her cousin who raised her as his very own. Rather than telling the whole story, I invite you to read about it yourself in the Book of Esther.

What I do want to share is how the themes of Purim can be applied in our own lives. For me, the story of Purim speaks to triumph of good over evil. It speaks of faith in the face of danger and adversary. It speaks of courage to stand in your convictions in spite of the potential ramifications. It shows how honesty, loyalty, courage and love can accomplish great exploits. I also believe the story shows that justice is always done in the end, one way or another.


The character of Esther truly inspires me and it is not because of her vast beauty. Although she was a bit naïve, she showed that she had an inner strength of which she was not even aware until she was faced with a dire situation. It was commissioned for her to risk her own well being, and perhaps her very life, to stand in the gap for her people. She could have taken the easy way out. She could have turned her back on Mordechai and her Jewish brethren and enjoyed the spoils of being a Queen. However, she did not do that. She fasted for 3 days and nights and requested that all the people join her in that fast, she prayed, and she resolved to fight for the survival of her people.


Her beauty may have gotten her in the door and I am sure it helped to gain the King's favor, but ultimately, it was her courage and resolve that caught the King's undivided attention. Granted, the King did not seem to be too swift. He had been easily manipulated by the evil Haman ("BOO"), but he was swayed by Esther's determined passion for her people. Justice was done in the end and both Mordechai and Esther prospered, as did the Jewish people of the region. They defeated their enemies and Mordechai became second only to the King.


Purim is a fun holiday. Children get to dress up in costumes. We get to eat yummy cookies called hamantaschen, but for me, the story of Purim is so inspiring. Esther, Mordechai and the Jewish people faced impossible odds. They faced their very destruction, but they boldly stood up for what was right. They risked their own lives to fight for the very existence of their people. I want to believe that I would be that brave in the face of this type of danger. I would like to believe that I would not retreat and that I would fight for justice to triumph over evil. I want to be like Esther! These are noble qualities to embody. Today, I challenge you to walk boldly no matter what trials or tribulations you face. Do not retreat! Keep fighting and stand in the gap for those who cannot fight for themselves. I suppose that is why I became a social worker. I believe it is my duty to fight for those who do not have a voice or for those who have not yet learned to use their voice. I also like to help people find their voices. I resolve to be more and more like Esther every day. Will you? Chag Purim Sameach! Have a joyous Purim!

Time for Spring Cleaning!

As the warmer weather approaches, it is time for us to think about Spring cleaning. Now those of you who know me know that I am not speaking about literally cleaning your house. No, I fall short of the quintessential proverbs 31 woman. What I am referring to is emotional and spiritual Spring cleaning.


Now is a good time to reflect upon the things that need to be cleared out of your mind and soul. What are you carrying around within you that is stealing your joy, your focus, your energy or your peace? What is distracting you from accomplishing the things God has for you to do? These are very important questions to ask yourself, because if you are unaware of the things that are holding you back, then you cannot very well address them and rid yourself of them.


I am going to allow myself to be vulnerable with you all and share something I realized I needed to clean out of my spirit. My good friend and soul sister, Linda, is such a blessing to me. She and I had a very honest conversation about race relations in the US. She is an African American woman and I am a Jewish Caucasian woman. I mention my religion because it is a part of who I am. My grandfather came over from Germany on the last ship that Roosevelt allowed into the harbor before he closed it. You see, my grandfather and his parents realized they needed to leave Germany because of Hitler's pogroms.  They had the insight to know it was time to leave. Unfortunately, their extended family was not so lucky. Most of their relatives stayed, because they were in denial about what was happening and they paid with their lives. They died in the death camps of Nazi Germany.


Linda and I shared how we each have been affected by prejudice, racism and anti-Semitism and how that has colored the way we have viewed the world. She shared with me that she has been dealing with people treating her badly or differently because of her race and how she never felt that this country fully embraced African Americans. I shared with her how much my heart hurt when some minorities assume that I am racist just because of my race. I always thought I was angry about that, but it was really more of a deep hurt within me that people would hate me without even knowing me. Being Jewish, there have been and still are different groups who want me and my brethren gone and that fires up the righteous indignation within me, sometimes to the point of intense anger. Although justified, it is not good for me.


Linda cried as I shared these feeling with her. Linda and I have a connection that we call a "God connection." She felt my pain and helped me to understand this anger must be cleaned out from me in order for me to accomplish what God has in store for me. Linda is a beautiful child of God and I am so blessed to have her as my soul sister. She is such a wonderful example of loving everyone as God wants us to love.  I am so thankful that God put her in my life to challenge me spiritually and to show me what is not of Him. So here today, the Spring cleaning project for my soul is to rid myself of anger and bitterness, even for those who hate me. I will follow God's command to love my neighbor as myself. I thought I had been doing that, but God has a way of showing us what we need to deal with so that we can be pure vessels for Him to do with us what He pleases. Linda and I have much to accomplish together and I want to be in right standing before Him who created me. Whatever your motivation, think about what you want your Spring cleaning project to be and clean it out! You have so much to do in this life. Now get busy! God bless.

Teach Us to Number Our Days

"Never blame a day in your life; good days give you happiness and bad days give you experience. Both are essential in life to make you a seasoned person." This is a quote from my friend, Dominic,  who lives in Africa. God connected us, which is so amazing to me. Anyway, we have become prayer partners and he has been such an encouragement to me. He has prayed for me faithfully and I hope he knows what that has meant to me. Anyway, his statement rang so true for me.


Life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you are going slowly uphill and it feels as if you will never reach the top. Other times, you are racing downhill and your heart is in your throat with fear. Still other times you are feeling exhilarated and joyful. That sounds a bit like life, no? Just like Dominic said, the good days in our lives show us what joy and happiness mean. We truly have to remember to savor each and every day God gives us. Too many times, we go along in our daily grind and barely pay attention to the wonders that surround us. I am guilty of this too. We grow complacent and take for granted that tomorrow will come as scheduled. When things are good, we are in danger of forgetting to be grateful for our blessings.


I work in oncology and being up close and personal with people who may be dying really tends to put life in perspective. Dominic has also helped me to see that I have been taking for granted all the amazing things my country has to offer. As much as people complain about our healthcare system in the US, it is still head and shoulders above most other countries, including Dominic's country, which is Uganda. His mother is suffering terribly with diabetes. She has had her leg amputated and, because they do not have a lot of money, they have to rely on public healthcare, which, I am sorry to say, is very poor. If she lived in the US, she would probably still have her leg.


I share Dominic's story with you for this reason. As he also said, bad times give you experience. I like to say that if we allow ourselves to learn from our trials, we gain wisdom. When I see my patients or hear about how Dominic's mother is suffering, I realize that my problems are not small, but they are certainly manageable. I also realize that most things, good or bad, are only temporary. In the good times, we must be in the present, enjoying every second and thanking God for His blessings in our lives. In the bad times, we must hold on to the hope that it is only temporary, have faith that it will work for our benefit somehow, and look for the lesson we can learn that will help us gain wisdom that we can share with others.


Life is so very precious and it is limited. This life we have is the shortest part of eternity. No one is promised tomorrow. I do not say this to scare anyone. I say this to help you keep things in perspective. Ask yourself this; if you knew that your days were numbered, are you living the life you want to be living today? Are you stuck in an attitude of complaining and bitterness? Is that how you want to spend your remaining days in this life? There is a scripture I like to read every now and again to remind myself to stop being complacent, "Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom" (Psalm 90:12). So, like Dominic said, I challenge you to delight in each and every day. When things are good, enjoy your life and be grateful for your blessings. When things are bad, look for the lesson and hold on to the hope that it will get better. Do not waste a second of this life that God has given you. It is just too precious! God bless!

Pride or Peace?

This post is dedicated to an awesome client of mine; I will call her Jill. Jill is funny, she is smart, she is beautiful, inside and out, but she struggles with something that is contributing to her relationship issues. Pride has become a big stumbling block for her. Listen, pride is not one of the 7 deadly sins for nothing! In Jill’s case, it causes her to put up the anger shield. When her boyfriend is not fighting fairly, she reacts in kind. She almost always feels regret afterwards, but, in the heat of the moment, she instinctively puts up the anger shield rather than allowing herself to be vulnerable. Jill and I have talked about being the change she would like to see in the relationship and leading by example, because she has learned that she cannot control anyone other than herself.


Jill is not the only one who struggles with pride. We all have at one time or another. The problem is that things rarely get resolved when we allow our pride to inhibit us from behaving in a way we know is most appropriate. The only way we can work through issues is to learn how to fight fairly. You can refer to my blog post from yesmarriagerocks.com for details on how to fight fairly: http://yesmarriagerocks.com/mrocks/blog/item/175-5-basic-rules-for-fighting-fairly

I know it is not easy and we cannot possibly fight “correctly” every time, but let me point out what happens when pride gets in the way of good communication. Pride motivates us to protect ourselves from perceived attacks, disrespect or slights from others. We think we are protecting ourselves from getting hurt, looking like a fool, or feeling that we have been taken advantage of; however, we are not only not protecting ourselves, we are actually hurting both ourselves and the relationship.

When we let pride take over, we are robbing ourselves of the opportunity to have a meaningful conversation. We get stuck in a cycle of anger and resentment and we rarely resolve the issue. Furthermore, I guarantee that if you deal with your partner in a prideful way, you will not see a change in the behavior that caused you to put the shield up in the first place. In order to see your partner own his or her behavior, you must first create a safe atmosphere for them to do so. Believe me, if you come at your partner in a prideful way, you will most likely make him or her feel attacked, then he or she will either attack back or retreat. Either way, nothing is accomplished or you both walk away feeling resentful. All you have at that point is your pride and pride does not keep you warm at night, does it?

I am in no way suggesting that you do not hold your partner accountable for bad behavior. Quite the contrary! However, you must do it in a way that does not make your partner feel attacked or criticized. Also, you must remember that timing is everything. By controlling your reactions in the heat of the moment, you are not being weak. You are being smart. Why would you try and a tackle a major issue when things are heated? At a later time, when things are calm, you address the issue calmly with your partner. Remember, you are not each other's competition or adversary. It comes down to this. You either keep your pride or you have peace in your relationship, but you cannot have both, most of the time. So which is it, pride or peace? You decide. God bless.

All Things Will Work for Good!

I would like to share more comfort from the words of the Bible, "Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10) He has most certainly done this and more for me.

You are never alone in your pain. He is always with you and He is faithful. Trials and tribulations happen in life, but He is with you through it all. It is far too easy to allow the difficulties in life to overwhelm us. In many cases, how we perceive the situation dictates the outcome. What may seem to be the worst possible event we could imagine may actually be a blessing in disguise. Let me give you an example from my own life. In 2008, my husband was fired from the company where he had worked for 15 years. Honestly, I had been pushing him to look elsewhere for a while before that, because my husband was overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated. He was miserable. When he was fired, we both thought it was the biggest calamity that could ever befall us. I was working, but my salary certainly could not sustain us long term. We both panicked a little. Long story short, he found a much better job, better salary, better perks, in only a couple of months. Now we look upon his getting fired as a huge blessing in disguise, because he is much happier and so am I.

In the midst of my panic, I still held on to my faith. I prayed every day for favor for my husband. I was scared about our finances, do not get me wrong, but I was more concerned about my husband’s emotional well-being. It is very important to him to be able to provide for his family. I knew his self-esteem had taken a big hit. It was important for me to stay positive, to let him know that I believed in him and that I would stand by him no matter what. Believe me; I could have indulged my worst fears. I could have been angry with my husband for allowing things to get to that point. I made a conscious decision not to do that. I did not want to make a difficult situation worse with a negative attitude.

I share this with you for this reason. I want to impress upon you that you have a choice in the way you see a situation. I am not saying that the horrible thing with which you are dealing is not real or is not as bad as you are making it out to be. What I am saying is that you have a choice in how you deal with it. You can let it defeat you or you can let it strengthen you. I try to always take a lesson from difficult circumstances. I try and determine how I have contributed to it or how I can contribute to a solution. I always gain wisdom, which makes me a better person, and I always try to share the wisdom I have gained to help others. I believe with my heart and soul that although God does not necessarily cause our calamities, He most certainly uses them to refine us like silver into the people he wants us to become.

To all of the brokenhearted reading this right now, take heart! He will turn your misery into joy. He will turn this situation, whatever it may be, for your good. What the enemy meant for destruction, He will turn it for triumph! One day you will look back on this time and say, "I don't know how I got through that, but I did!" You will heal and you will be stronger as a result. Just pay attention to the way you perceive the situation. Instead of asking “why me”, ask instead, “what is it that I am supposed to learn from this?” If you would like prayer, please feel free to leave me prayer requests in the comments section. I give you my word that your request will be added to my prayer list. My love to you all. God bless!

Vengeance is Mine Says the Lord

There is a lot going on in the world today that can stir up such righteous anger. Hatred and division are pervasively plaguing our country and our world. This negative energy can trickle down into our lives. We have all dealt with personal hurts. We have all endured circumstances that cause us to feel angry, resentful, and defeated. We may have even been in situations in which someone hurt us so badly that we wanted to take revenge. Have you ever spent so much time in your head fantasizing about the acts of revenge you would perpetrate upon the person who caused you harm? If so, your anger is probably justified and certainly understandable, but I am going to say with absolute certainty that you must never exact revenge on anyone and you must release that anger. It is the very poison that is slowly killing you.

I love to turn to the scriptures to seek wisdom and comfort. There is an abundance of wisdom regarding anger, vengeance and forgiveness. In Deuteronomy 32:35 it says, “’Vengeance and payback are mine’, says the Lord.” So, what does that mean? Does it mean that we have an angry God who goes around wreaking havoc and pain upon people? No, of course it does not. What He does is impose righteous judgment upon those who deserve it. His heart is to discipline those who go astray so that they may be redeemed. If those who do wrong are truly remorseful, then He will forgive them.

What that means for us folks, is that we are to give our righteous anger to Him, treat people with kindness always, and forgive, even those who have caused us the most pain and the most harm. I understand how difficult this is, believe me, but it is necessary for our own well being. In Proverbs 25:21-22, we are taught, “If someone who hates you is hungry, give him food to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. For you will heap fiery coals of shame on his head and Adonai (God) will reward you.”  Let me give you an example of this. A family member is going through a divorce. He has a son with his soon to be ex-wife. He happened to have the baby on his birthday and, although he has every reason to have righteous anger against the baby’s mother, he felt compassion and thought his mother should see her baby on his birthday. So, he called her and offered to pick her up so they could take the baby out together for his special day. They gave the baby a great birthday with both his parents and were able to table their anger, at least for one day. That folks is a shining example of heaping fiery coals of shame upon the head of one who caused pain.

Once we give our pain and anger to God and once we have resolved to forgo revenge and walk in kindness, we must then forgive. That is very difficult for a lot of people, including myself. Do not get me wrong; I am a very forgiving person if someone is truly remorseful and asks for my forgiveness. However, when someone inflicts pain upon me, upon someone I love or upon the innocent, and does not acknowledge the wrongdoing, then my righteous indignation flares and it takes a lot of effort for me to let it go. Without going into specifics, I went through a situation in which I walked around with such anger and resentment. My sense of justice kept the fires of anger burning within me. Over time, I realized that anger was poisoning me. It served no purpose. I realized that I was walking around suffering while the person who inflicted the pain was living her life, not knowing or caring whether I was in pain. I resolved to forgive her, not for her, but for myself.

If you are reading this and you are walking around in anger and unforgiveness, it is time to let it go. It is time to fill your heart with love, yes, even for those who hurt you, just as it says in Leviticus 19:18, “Don’t take vengeance on or bear a grudge against any of your people; rather, love your neighbor as yourself.” I can speak with certainty on this. Once I finally let go of my anger towards the person who caused me such pain, I learned that anger was nothing but a prison and forgiveness was the key to freedom. God wants you to live in peace and joy, not anger and bitterness. Give it all to Him and free yourself. You have the keys. God bless.

Combating Negative Thoughts

In order to live the most contented and peaceful life you can, it is so important to combat the negative thinking that keeps you stuck in depression and anxiety. We often find ourselves either stuck in the past, lamenting about all of our mistakes, regrets, or bad experiences, or we are worrying about the future, thinking about the worst case scenarios even though there is no evidence to support these outcomes. When one is diagnosed with cancer, the negative thoughts can really snowball and take over one’s thought life. Even in troubled times, joy and happiness can be had, as long as we learn to challenge the faulty thinking that has us imprisoned in fear, depression, and feelings of woe.

According to Judy Beck (1995), cognitive therapist and daughter of Aaron Beck, the father of Cognitive Therapy, our emotions come from our thinking. If we are using faulty thinking or “cognitive distortions”, we can fall into a pattern of negative thinking that leads us right into depression and/or anxiety. Furthermore, these negative emotional states can lead to negative or destructive behaviors. In order to regain control over our emotional state, we need to regain control of our thinking.

There are many ways to challenge faulty thinking, things that you can start implementing now. One is a technique called “Positive Self-talk” (Beck,1995). Basically, this involves actively challenging your negative thinking with counterbalancing statements. The use of positive mantras is a quick and easy way to challenge the intrusive, negative thoughts that steal your joy. For example, if you are thinking that whatever situation with which you may be dealing at the time is hopeless or will never improve, you can say to yourself, “This too shall pass.” Another technique that you can implement right now is distraction. Get yourself out of your head so that you can enjoy the present. Be mindful of everything around you. Notice the sights, smells, and sounds all around you. Savor every moment. You can also try various relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, visualization, meditation or prayer. Activities such as yoga, tai chi and exercise also help to distract and relax you. The point is this. You need to be aware of when you are focusing on negative thoughts and then you must switch your focus onto something more positive. It really can be that simple.

The above are just some basic suggestions, but if you feel that your negative thinking is beyond your control and if you are struggling with serious depression and/or anxiety, then you may need the guidance of a trained professional. Please understand that if you need assistance with these issues, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not weak if you decide to seek therapy. On the contrary; it takes a very strong and intelligent person to recognize when he or she has a problem with which he or she needs assistance. To find a therapist, speak with your doctor or contact your insurance provider for a list of therapists in your area.  No matter what your circumstance, you can have peace and joy right now.

Reference

Beck, J.S. (1995), Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.



Living In a Private Hell: How Post Traumatic Stress Plagues Our Military

I work with a client whom I will refer to as “Vince.” Vince lives every day feeling as if he has one foot in the here and now and one foot in the past. He is constantly on edge and jittery and he jumps at every loud noise. He feels as if he can never relax. His brain is constantly racing with images of horror from a time he can never forget. He wakes in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after having horrendous nightmares. He feels as if the world just does not understand him, except of course his brothers in arms. He has a constant feeling of dread and he carries an anger that is eating him alive. Vince is a veteran who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition (DSM-V), PTSD is a mental disorder that results from the exposure to “actual or threatened death, serious injury or sexual violation.” It is a condition that inhibits one’s ability to function normally in relationships, work or other areas in one’s life.

Vince is not alone. There are thousands of Vinces out there. They too may be suffering in silence. They may not even understand or realize that they have PTSD. Like Vince, they may be trying to cope with their PTSD symptoms by self-medicating with drugs or alcohol. They may be destroying the relationships with their loved ones who also may not understand what has happened to the person they once knew. Symptoms of PTSD may take years to fully manifest and may linger for years after the traumatic event has occurred. The symptoms correspond to four categories, which include:  re-experiencing, for example, having recurrent nightmares or intrusive thoughts of the event; avoidance, for example, feeling emotionally distant from others or losing interest in activities that once gave one pleasure; negative cognitions, for example, constantly blaming oneself or others for what happened and arousal, which often manifests as reckless behavior or hyper-vigilance, as if one is always expecting something bad to happen (DSM-V; www.Maketheconnection.net, 2014). Not only do the symptoms themselves wreak havoc in one’s life, but also the way one deals with those symptoms can exacerbate an already difficult and distressful situation. For Vince, he lives a cycle of sadness, anger, blame, guilt, feelings of isolation, feelings of unworthiness and he turns to alcohol to numb the pain. His traumatic event occurred during the Invasion of Grenada, back in 1983. His friend died a gruesome death as he lie bleeding in Vince’s arms. Vince sobbed as he shared with me the events of that traumatic day,

“He was lying there, in piss and blood, with his guts hanging out. I was holding him and   he looked up at me and asked ‘what just happened to me? What’s happening Vince?’ and I just held him until he died. I sat there holding him until the medic came and got him. Then I had to get up and keep going like nothing ever happened.”

Vince drinks to keep the demons at bay, to silence the voices, to quell the images, to lessen the anger and to numb the pain. This is a very common occurrence among our military who suffer with PTSD. For example, in 2010, the Treatment Episode Data Set (TEDS) reported that 50.7 percent of those who were admitted to substance abuse programs where alcohol was the substance of choice were veterans versus 34.4 percent who were civilians or non-military (Center for Behavior Health Statistics and Quality via www.SAMHSA.gov). Vince’s drinking is taking a toll on his relationship. His significant other, whom I will call Charlene, loves him, but Vince becomes verbally abusive when he gets drunk. He basically transfers all of his pent up anger onto Charlene and verbally attacks her for what she perceives to be no reason. She is at her wit’s end and has decided that, unless Vince gets help and gets sober, she may have to end the relationship. This is the last thing Vince wants, but he is terrified to face his pain without his safety net-alcohol. Currently, Vince has dropped out of therapy and has not yet attended an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA meeting) as he had promised Charlene.

Vince, like many of his brothers and sisters in arms, is at a crossroads. He can either continue in this self-destructive path that will lead him to lose those closest to him or even worse, his own life, or he can emerge from his private hell and seek help. Unfortunately, some vets who have tried to reach out for help have run into a brick wall. A.W. is an example. He served in active duty a few months shy of 2 years. It was enough for him to experience traumatic events, which led to his PTSD. He reached out for help, but was met with nothing but silence. Unfortunately, less than a half of military vets receive care at the Veterans Administration (VA). Some returning vets live far from VA facilities. The VA has started to create Community Based Outpatient Clinics (CBOC), but many are ill-prepared to handle the demands that severe PTSD brings. The CBOC lack the properly trained clinicians needed or they may lack sufficient information about treating severe mental illness. Other obstacles include, but are not limited to, the stigma about mental health issues and the inability of vets to receive support from their employers, who may not allow the time off from work to seek help.

As a result of the lack of assistance, A. W. withdrew into his private hell. His marriage ended. He fell into alcoholism. Although he has been able to get sober and although he is doing a lot better today, he still deals with the ghosts from the past. He still jumps at loud noises. He still feels a sense of distance and isolation because he struggles to feel understood. He, like Vince, believes that no one can ever understand the experience of combat unless he or she has been through it. A.W. decided to do what he could to help other vets and that has been his life line. Helping others with the wisdom A.W. has gained from his painful experience has given him a sense of purpose.

If you are a veteran who is reading this and either Vince’s or A.W.’s stories resonate with you, or if you are someone who loves someone like Vince or A.W., there is help and there is hope. As a therapist, I can tell you definitively that if you are an alcoholic like Vince, you must get sober before dealing with your PTSD. In order to develop the coping skills to face your pain, you need to rid yourself of anything that blocks your ability to process your emotions. I promise you, although your emotions are difficult and the memories painful, you can get through it. Once you allow yourself to feel the pain and learn to restructure your thinking about the event, you will cleanse yourself of that which is keeping you in your private hell.

The first step is to seek counseling from a trained professional. Call your local VA. Many VA facilities offer free counseling for military veterans or support groups for those who served in active duty. Support groups are very effective because the purpose is for you to be with others who have experienced what you have and who struggle with similar issues. You will feel understood.  If you have private insurance, contact your mental health provider and ask for therapists in your area who treat PTSD, with or without addiction. If you do have an addiction to alcohol or drugs, please seek out your local AA (http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/?Media=PlayFlash) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) for additional support (https://www.na.org/).

If you have read this article in its entirety and you believe that you may have PTSD, please reach out for help. If you are not sure whether you have PTSD, you can take this self-assessment at https://www.myhealth.va.gov/mhv-portal-web/anonymous.portal?_nfpb=true&_pageLabel=mentalHealth&contentPage=mh_screening_tools/PTSD_SCREENING.HTML . This tool is not a complete assessment, but it may help you determine whether you have symptoms that require further assessment by a trained professional. There are many resources out there for you that will help you understand PTSD, such as www.PTSD.va.gov, which is a comprehensive website designed to help sufferers understand PTSD, its symptoms, its cause and its treatment. To find a PTSD treatment location or VA medical center near you, go to www2.va.gov/directory/guide/FindPTSDProgram.cfm . Please do not suffer in silence any longer. Take the first step and reach out for help. You can free yourself from your private hell, once and for all.

References/Resources

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/?Media=PlayFlash

http://www.dsm5.org/Documents/PTSD%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf

http://maketheconnection.net/conditions/ptsd?gclid=CLnb2Yjmrb0CFeRlOgodezIAWg

https://www.myhealth.va.gov/mhv-portal- web/anonymous.portal?_nfpb=true&_pageLabel=mentalHealth&contentPage=mh_screening_tools/PTSD_SCREENING.HTML

https://www.na.org/

www.PTSD.va.gov

http://www.samhsa.gov/data/spotlight/Spot106VeteransAlcoholAbuse2012.pdf

www2.va.gov/directory/guide/FindPTSDProgram.cfm

Mantras for a Joyful Life

As a clinical social worker and therapist, I try to help my clients combat negative and faulty thinking. Often, we find ourselves stuck in either the past or the future, which steals our present joy. Only when we make the decision to actively challenge the negativity that plagues us can we free ourselves and live in peace and contentment. I find that the use of positive mantras helps to reframe and redirect the negative thinking that can hinder our growth as human beings. I have created this short list of helpful mantras with the hope that everyone who reads it will realize that joy can be had and it can be had now!

“Don’t believe everything you think.”
Sounds silly, but we need to challenge faulty thinking. If we simply believe whatever enters our minds as fact, then we are enslaved by our emotions. What we think is not always necessarily so. We need to start using discernment with our thoughts as we do with other aspects of our lives. Another variation of that is, “Just because you think it, doesn’t make it so.” Let the negative and faulty thinking leave your mind as sand runs through a sieve.

"This too shall pass”
We need to remember that life is about moments and that just because we have some bad moments, does not mean our entire lives have to be bad. If we can remember that, we can have joy even in dark times. Everything is temporary. Yes, that means that the good times are only temporary as well, but hang on to the hope of the next moment. Sit with your pain and discomfort, but accept that it is only temporary. If the bad is over, let it go

"Wherever you are, be all there.”
Get out of your head! If you are stuck in your head, either lamenting about past mistakes or regrets, or you are worrying about the future, you are missing the present. You are missing what is right in front of you. We can learn from mistakes of the past. As a matter of fact, we absolutely should learn from our mistakes and all of our experiences. That is how wisdom is acquired; however, if we remain stuck there, we miss today’s joys. More than that, our growth potential is stunted, as we are ruled by negative emotions such as guilt, regret, anger or sadness. You do NOT have to bring yesterday’s woes into today! Free yourself from that.

As for the future and worrying, it has not happened so stop acting as if it has! It’s perfectly normal to assess what might occur. A lot of us have to do that for our occupations. We have to see a problem, come up with an action plan, project different outcomes that may occur and have a solution for each. That is just a smart way to operate when problem-solving. However, the issue comes when we get stuck in worry. We project into the future without truly assessing realistic possible outcomes. We allow ourselves to think that the worst case scenario will occur, then we start to really believe it will and then, once again, we are ruled by such negative emotions as worry, dread or fear. It is OK to plan, but then you have to reign yourself back to the present and realize that the future is not yet here and that it does not always have to be the worst case scenario. Challenge that belief and entertain more probable outcomes. Then, get out of your head! Enjoy the here and now with all of its possibilities.

"It is what it is."
ACCEPTANCE!!! This should always be the goal. We need to accept what has happened to us. We need to accept where we are in life at this moment in time, completely and without judgments or self-deprecation. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we place sometimes unrealistic expectations on those whom we love? Why can we not accept that things are the way they are supposed to be at this moment? Even if it is a dark time, we can use it as a learning opportunity. Remember, we cannot learn unless we are tested; moreover, we may never know the full extent of our strengths and abilities if they are not put to the test. If we can accept our place in this moment, we have true freedom.

“I am more than the sum of my parts."
Don’t think for one second that we begin and end with our bodies. Never underestimate the power of the mind. We are not bodies with souls. We are souls with bodies! Our mind, our spirits, can overcome any obstacle. The trick is to not let negativity take over, because then is when we are vulnerable. Release the anger. Release the hate. Move away from self-pity. Only think of those things which are filled with joy, beauty and peace. Feed your soul with the things that only serve to enrich your life, encourage you and fill you with love. If you get your mind in the right place, the body will follow. I do not mean that you can cure yourself of what ails you. I simply mean that, no matter what your body is enduring, with a positive mind and heart, you can transcend the physical and still have joy right now.

“Count your blessings, not your troubles.”
We all have stuff. We all have things about which we can complain. Life can be downright hard! There are times I feel as if I am constantly hiking up hill and I cannot seem to reach the pinnacle. When I start to do the “woe is me” song and dance, I stop myself and look up and say, “Thank you Lord for my strong legs that keep me hiking!” If you take the time to stop and look around, I am sure you have many things about which to be thankful. There are so many blessings in our everyday lives, but we miss them because we are too busy lamenting about the things we don’t have or we are coveting others’ possessions or accomplishments. That is such a terrible waste of time and energy. I challenge you to be thankful! Everyday put on an attitude of gratitude. Take time to be thankful for at least one blessing a day. If you do this, you will begin to see that your blessings outnumber your woes.

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24)
This is my mother’s favorite scripture. She has some major medical issues. When she was diagnosed with a brain tumor back in 1998, she did not say, “Why me?” She looked up and said, “Ok Lord, what is it that you want me to learn?” 

 Thankfully, the tumor was not cancer; however, it was wrapped around her pituitary gland and a large portion of it was inoperable. It caused a condition called Acromegaly. In case you do not know what that is, it is the disease that killed Andre the Giant (the famous huge wrestler). Her disease is being controlled by medication, but her doctor needs to tightly monitor her for any signs of growth. This is an unpredictable thing. Sure, she has her moments of fear and terror, especially at night, but she will not allow that fear and terror to steal her joy. Every day when she wakes, she says, “Thank you Lord for returning my soul to my body today. This is the day that YOU made and I will rejoice and be glad in it.” 

  Do not waste your days. None of us are promised tomorrow. Please, do not waste your days on things that have no value. Be glad in everything, even the mundane. In the words of James Taylor, “Shower the people you love with love and show them the way that you feel. Things are going to be much better if you only will.” Please, shower the people you love with love, shower yourself and shower even strangers, for you have no idea how even the smallest acts of kindness can make a difference. You will have your down moments. You may entertain your biggest fears. You may get angry, sad, jealous, anxious, lonely, and fearful, but I beg you, do not dwell there. Let yourself feel what you need to feel to process the emotion, but then take the lesson to be learned from it and move forward. There is so much joy to be had! You can choose joy today, right now.

• 
  With Love,     
  Abigale S. Hassel, MSW, LCSW, OSW-C
  Oncology Social Worker

Know your W.O.R.T.H. (Women, Overcoming, Rotten, Thinking, Hallelujah) in GOD!

Dealing with People's Reactions to Your Cancer

As some of you know, I am a certified oncology social worker in addition to being a therapist. I would like to take a moment to speak to those of you who may be dealing with a cancer diagnosis or those who know someone who is. It is very common for those dealing with cancer to struggle with accepting or tolerating their loved ones’ reactions to their cancer diagnosis. If we can understand that others’ reactions are the products of their own insecurities and fears, then we can resist personalizing their difficult and challenging behaviour. Perhaps we can even forgive them.

Those with a cancer diagnosis can be disappointed and hurt by friends or family members who seemed to have abandoned them right after diagnosis or after treatment commences. Basically, their cancer is a reminder that they are human and, if cancer can happen to someone they know, it can most certainly happen to them as well. They flee to avoid the distress which results from this realization; therefore, this is a reflection of their lack of coping skills rather than the amount of affection or concern they have for the one who has the cancer. I am not minimizing the hurt and pain this kind perceived emotional abandonment can cause, but I am trying to help people understand the type of thinking behind it.

The opposite occurs as well. I also hear patients complain of being “smothered”. They feel that they have no time to themselves because, everyday, they are barraged with well-wishers asking, “What can I do for you?” This almost always comes from a feeling of the loss of control. Cancer is a stark reminder that control is an illusion. People feel absolutely helpless when they see a loved one deal with the devastating effects of cancer; therefore, the best gift that can be given to the "smotherers" is something to do. Let them feel that they are helping or contributing in some way, otherwise, the helplessness will fuel an even stronger need to do something, anything that will alleviate this heaviness that has descended into the life of the person whom they love.

At the end of the day, it is you who needs to teach people how they need to treat you. In other words, you need to communicate to your loved ones what your needs are and do not assume your loved ones know already. Tell them what you need, what you do not need and when you need (or do not need) something. People cannot address things of which they are not aware. Remember, although cancer affects the entire family and those close to you, they are not you. They are not in your head. They may have no idea what they are supposed to do. Help them help you! Learn to say no and set boundaries. Learn to accept help when you need it. It is not weak to ask for help when you are in a vulnerable state.

If you need support, but do not feel comfortable receiving it from family, since they may be overly emotional, there are plenty of support resources, both on line and in person. You can go to the American Cancer Society's online database of resources to find support close to you (www.cancer.org). Another organization, Cancer Care (www.cancercare.org) has both in person and telephonic support. You can find support specific to your diagnosis on line and in person. For financial help with medical expenses, you can go to www.needymeds.org. They have a very comprehensive list of patient assistance and co-pay assistance programs. You are never alone. Be blessed.