Another theme has emerged in my practice among my
clients. It seems the need to control is the order of the day. Just recently, I
had a discussion with a client about the fact that control is really just an
illusion. We then discussed the Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr,
which is as follows, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” We all are familiar with this prayer and we
know it is recited at Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings as
a sort of mantra to guide those recovering from addiction. I propose that we
all can benefit from reciting this prayer as often as necessary. I hope you
will indulge me as I take the time to dissect this prayer and really examine
its meaning.
The first line impresses upon us the need for
acceptance. Those of you who know me have heard me say or have seen me write
about how acceptance is the key to freedom. We are so burdened by things over
which we really have no control. We fight to maintain some sense of control
over our universe in a desperate attempt to avoid distress. We become like a gerbil
on a wheel, running and running, but getting nowhere. That which we cannot
change, we simply must accept. We can learn from an experience and apply what
we have learned to our present lives. This is wisdom.
We often get stuck in replaying an event, hoping to
be able to somehow change the outcome. A client of mine is struggling with
feelings of regret over past mistakes. He lives in perpetual anxiety because he
is constantly living to right the wrongs of his life. The hard lesson he must
learn is that, sometimes, we simply cannot right the wrongs and we must accept
the consequences of our actions. He must accept that human beings will make
mistakes and they cannot be undone, but wisdom can be gained from learning from
the mistake. Wisdom simply cannot be acquired any other way.
Another trap people fall into is hoping that someone
whom they love will somehow change. This is a big relationship pitfall. I try
and teach my clients that, while you can hold someone accountable for bad
behavior, you cannot change a person. Change can only come from within. We
cannot make another person, do, say or feel anything. All we can control is
ourselves and our reactions to things. I always say that if we can accept
people for who they are, who they are not, and if we do not expect anything
more than what they are capable of giving, then we will not be hurt or
disappointed by them. Trying to control another person is the surest way to push him or her away and possibly lose that person.
The second line of the prayer reminds us that we do
have power over some things. This is directed to those of you who constantly
feel as if you are a victim, or that you are powerless over everything bad in
your life. You may not be as helpless as you think. You can take your power
back and start having a joyful life. Often, we are victimized because we are
allowing ourselves to be. Please do not misunderstand what I am saying here. I
am not referring to those who have been victimized by a crime. I am speaking of
those who constantly complain that people “take advantage” of them or that
others treat them badly. What one allows in cases like that is what will
continue. If a person is constantly blaming other people or outside forces for
all the bad things, then one is giving away his or her personal power. You are
not a feather floating at the whim of the wind. You are a human being capable
of setting boundaries! You can change the pattern of helplessness and
resentment by asserting yourself, speaking up for yourself and saying NO once
in a while! You can control whether or not you are a doormat.
Finally, the last line of the prayer is the goal to
which I hope we all are striving. Instead of toiling and toiling to control
everything, we need to seek discernment to know what is and what is not within
our power. I have this discussion with the cancer patients with whom I work
quite often. Some are constantly doing research and telling the doctors what
they should or should not try. They are fighting for their lives; I completely
understand that, but this need to control the outcome can interfere with negatively
and impact their lives by causing anxiety, depression and stealing their present
joy. I try to impart that, sometimes, all we can do is do what we can and
release the rest to the doctors and God. God is the author and finisher of our
lives and He knows the end from the beginning. We need to let go and trust that
He will finish that which He has started in us, no matter what that looks like.
If you are constantly trying to control things that
you cannot, you imprison yourself in a jail of anxiety and depression. Remember
what Yeshua (Jesus) said in Matthew 6:34, “Don’t worry about tomorrow-tomorrow
will worry about itself! Today has enough troubles already!” All we can do is
recognize that we cannot control everything, but we can do what is within our
power to do. After that, we need to let go and have faith. I know this is not
easy, but it is necessary. It is all about finding the balance between
accepting what is not within our control and not passively allowing life to
just happen TO us. In other words, somewhere between controlling and passive is
where we need to be. If you are living in a prison of anxiety because you are
fighting for the control that you never really had anyway, I challenge you to
free yourselves with the key of acceptance and live in serenity. It really is
not just for addicts! God bless!
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