I have counseled many people over the years who have
found themselves in very enmeshed relationships. Enmeshed relationships are
those in which people maintain very loose or non-existent boundaries. This can
occur within families, within friendships and within romantic relationships.
The people who end up in these types of relationships are either people who are
very controlling and need to control every thing and every one in their lives,
or they are very dependent people who have a strong need to please others and have an aversion to hurting others’ feelings. Both of these types of
people tend to have a weak understanding of who they are and tend to look to
outside forces to find happiness or to have their needs met. They are often
over-involved in each other’s lives. They cycle between very intense feelings
that feel like deep love and strong feelings of resentment. If this resonates
with you so far, please keep reading.
Enmeshment within a parent/child relationship can be
very detrimental to the child. I was counseling a young girl, whom I will call Ellen, who had always
been an over-achiever. Ellen excelled in everything in which she was involved,
from academics to sports. She had lots of friends and a great boyfriend. It
seemed everything always went her way. Then Ellen's boyfriend broke up with her,
and she became what can be described as "unraveled."
As the counseling process continued, I learned that
Ellen and her mother had a very close relationship-too close. He mother was very
controlling and was involved in every aspect of her life. Ellen described this
relationship to me as “suffocating.” She felt as if she had no individuality,
that her mother was trying to live vicariously through her, and she partially
blamed the loss of her relationship on her mother, whom she described as “the
third person in our relationship.” Basically, Ellen never learned who she
was separate from her mother, because her mother never allowed her to
individuate. Ellen never developed coping strategies, because her mother was
always swooping in and rescuing her from possible discomfort or pain. She
even discovered that her choice of college majors was not her own, but her
mother’s. Our work together consisted of her building a sense of self and
self-esteem while learning to create healthy boundaries with her mother.
Enmeshment within romantic relationships can be just
as harmful to those involved. I counseled a woman who was ensnared in a very
toxic enmeshed relationship with a man who, based on her description of him,
seemed as if he may have a borderline personality. Here is a disclaimer. I do
not diagnose people I have never met and I always keep in mind that I am
relying on a person’s description of another person, which may be distorted or
skewed. I use the information simply as another therapeutic tool. Anyway, she
described their first meeting as “love at first sight.” She spoke of a very
intense connection and she found herself hanging on his every word. He was very
passionate and attentive in the beginning. However, he then vacillated between
passionate and powerful displays of love and desire to distancing behaviors. He
pulled away, she chased after him, she pulled back and then he would chase her.
It was a very unhealthy game of seeking attention and seeking to have the other
fulfill unmet needs.
Over time, we discovered that the relationship
brought back unresolved feelings she had towards her very abusive father. She
realized that she had a very poor self esteem because of that abuse. Therefore,
when she entered into this relationship that felt as strong as the most intoxicating
drug, she was susceptible to becoming dependent on his displays of love and
attention, because it was the first time in her life that she had ever felt
that way. It was a long process for her to understand that she was worthy of
someone who would treat her with respect, consistently and genuinely. She developed
a better self-esteem over time and she learned to set healthy boundaries, and
stick to them, with the people in her life. She learned that she did not have
to sacrifice herself just to please other people and she learned that “no” is a
complete sentence.
If you are still reading this, I can only assume
that either you or someone you know may be in an enmeshed relationship. You
also may be asking, “So what do I do about it?” Let me refer back to my use of
the word “boundaries.” Boundaries are essential in any relationship. They are
emotional limits that you have the right to establish with those in your life.
Boundaries teach people how you are to be treated. They help you maintain a
sense of individuality, because your thoughts, feelings and actions are not
derived from nor are they dependent on another person. In order to have a
healthy relationship, one must be a whole, individual person, with his or her
own sense of self.
Happiness comes from within. Whenever anyone places
too much responsibility for his or her happiness on another person, that
relationship is unhealthy and most likely bound for disaster. Forget the
romantic notion of “you complete me.”No one but you is responsible for your
happiness. As far as I am concerned, the only one we should actively be trying
to please is God. If you think you are involved in an enmeshed relationship, I
urge you to seek the help of a professional who can help you learn about
boundary setting and who can help you build your self-esteem. Learn to stand
alone, put God first, and then you will have the kind of relationship you
deserve. God bless!
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