Are You Walking The Line?

In my work with cancer patients, I see lots of people who strive to maintain a positive attitude once they have been diagnosed. After all, half the battle when fighting cancer is the attitude with which people choose to tackle what lies ahead of them. If they give up before they even begin, their outcomes can be very adversely affected. Positivity is an essential ingredient when facing cancer.  Having said that, I will share what I often tell me patients. There is a very fine line between staying positive and denying your feelings. You never want to do the latter. So how can people walk that fine line and avoid crossing over into the realm of denial?

Before I go further, I just want to say a couple of things about denial. Denial is not all bad. It actually serves a purpose. According to the Mayo Clinic, “denial is a coping mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing situations.” Denial basically can allow us to function in the face of a very distressing situation, such as being diagnosed with cancer. Life does not stop when something stressful is happening, so denial can allow us to attend to important tasks even in the midst of emotional upheaval.

Denial becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with or negatively impact our lives. I have a friend whose daughter was diagnosed with a very rare childhood cancer. He and his wife are the health nut types. They exercise, eat only organic foods and never believed in vaccinating their children. My friend is a very intelligent person, but when his daughter was diagnosed, he called me in a panic and asked what steps he needed to take. The doctors impressed upon him and his wife the seriousness of the situation and laid out a plan that included very aggressive chemotherapy, radiation therapy and surgery that could disfigure his daughter’s face. He fell into a type of denial that started to delay his daughter’s treatment. He was so fixated on the long term effects of chemotherapy and would not consent to commence treatment until he did his research and got a second opinion. He finally accepted the situation and, thankfully, after very aggressive treatment, his daughter is currently in remission. His denial, had it continued, could have literally endangered his daughter’s life.

I think we can understand the danger denial can pose, but dwelling in the distress can be equally dangerous. Over the years, I have seen many patients become noncompliant with treatment because they fell into a depression and or they were so paralyzed with fear and anxiety, they could barely function. Years ago, I had a patient who had thyroid cancer and she needed radiation therapy. She was so wracked with fear, that it took a lot of hand holding and Xanax to help her handle her treatment.  As the treatment, progressed, and after many counseling sessions, she started to calm down and eventually did wonderfully. The staff joked about how she won the “most improved patient” award. In her case, if she had remained stuck in her fear and distress, it could have negatively impacted her medical outcome. She was very close to forgoing treatment, but we gave her the attention and support she needed to face her fears and once she realized the treatment was tolerable, she relaxed.

So how then do we walk that fine line between staying positive enough to avoid allowing our fears and distress to overtake us and completely denying our feelings to the point where we start to avoid dealing with the things with which we simply must face? We must learn to sit with our distress. It is human nature to want to avoid or escape distress. No one wants to be in emotional pain. I often say to my clients who tend to deny their feelings that, short of physically killing you, you can handle the pain. I do not say that to be sarcastic nor do I say it flippantly. I say that to punctuate the point that in order for us to get through the emotional distress we feel, we must face it, deal with it and process it. We cannot get around it; we must go through it. In order to avoid staying stuck in it, however, we must also learn when it is time to stop indulging the negative thoughts. We need to recognize when the processing of the emotions turns into ruminating. At that point, it is essential to interrupt the negative thought cycle and start challenging faulty thinking. If you believe that you need guidance in walking this line, then please seek the help of a therapist.

Remember, you are never alone in your distress. There is no need to avoid your feelings by denying them and you do not need to let your distress overtake you. No matter what the situation, God has you in the palm of His hand. “In my distress I called to Adonai; I cried out to my God. Out of His temple he heard my voice; my cry reached His ears” (Psalm 18:6). Be positive, because positivity will only benefit you. Let yourself feel your feelings, no matter how unpleasant they may be, but do not stay stuck in them. Even in difficult times, there is still much joy to be had. You are walking a fine line, but you are never alone! God bless!