What is Your Giving Motivation?

I have noticed that the people who are the most kind-hearted and giving are also among the most unhappy people. No, it is not because good people have to suffer. Being a good and giving person is not a bad thing at all. It is a wonderful thing. For example, my sister, Beth, is a very giving and generous person. She often donates to charities anonymously. For her, the joy is in the actual giving and not the accolades she would get as a result. She does not suffer by giving. She gives freely and within her means. The problem comes when one transitions from giving from one's own free will into becoming a doormat or a martyr. Giving of yourself, whether emotionally or financially, is not in and of itself problematic. The motivation for the giving may be the issue. If you are giving for the wrong reasons, the result may be painful, especially if you do not receive as much, or anything, in return.

So, what, you may ask, are the wrong types of motivation that lead to unhappiness?  I will address a few. This is by no means exhaustive, but merely examples of what I see most frequently.

1. You give of yourself because you want to please someone else.

The surest way to be unhappy is by trying to please all of the people all of the time! When you give of yourself because you think that is the only way to make someone else happy, a lot can go wrong. Some people are just very difficult to please. If you are constantly the one compromising, bending over backward or sacrificing, trying to make the other person happy, and you are met with very little reciprocated effort in return, then resentment can begin to build within you. You begin to carry around those feelings of resentment and probably will suppress them because you cannot allow yourself to be angry at the other. After all, you just want the person to be happy and you do not want to hurt their feelings in any way. So, you somehow find a way to blame yourself and direct that anger inward. Anger turned inward becomes depression.

2. You give of yourself out of a sense of obligation.

In past blog posts, and in my practice, I frequently speak about faulty thinking and the various types of thinking errors people often use. One of those types of thinking errors is called "shoulds" thinking. Acting because you believe you SHOULD do something can cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety, depression and/or anger. People who give of themselves because they think they have to do so usually end up with the martyr syndrome. Martyrs may think they are behaving in an altruistic fashion, and they may be, for the most part; however, the sense of obligation eclipses any feelings of joy or satisfaction and causes a feeling of enormous burden. These types of people walk around miserable and often adopt a victim mentality or a "woe is me" mentality. In either case, they are not very pleasant to be around. They seem to carry around a dark cloud and it can be very palpable to others. Just remember, "shoulds" thinking is distorted think. There are no shoulds; only choices.

3. You give of yourself because you worry what people are thinking about you.

Worrying about what others think of you from time to time is to be expected. It is human nature. However, when this becomes a constant and persistent thought in your mind, that can cause nothing but trouble. People who inordinately worry about what others think of them often employ another type of thinking error called "mind reading". They are constantly acting based on the responses or perceived perceptions of others. Those are the types who give of themselves for the sole purpose of not wanting to appear selfish. No one wants to be accused of being selfish because that has a negative connotation. Being selfish is bad and makes people think you are a bad person, right? That would be such a horrible thing if someone were to think you are a bad or selfish person, right? It took me a long time to realize that it really does not matter what other people think of me. It only matters to me what God thinks of me. He is the only one I care to please. If you live your life based on what you think others are thinking about you, you will never feel content with who you are. You will never derive any joy out of giving because your perception is most likely inaccurate anyway. Be who you are and those who matter will accept you for who you are, not who you are pretending to be.

4. You give expecting some sort of validation in return.

Giving is a beautiful thing and it gives people a sense of purpose. It is also nice to be recognized for the good things we do in life. That also is human nature. However, if your sole motivation for giving of yourself is to receive some sort of validation or recognition from others, you are really setting yourself up for disappointment. If your sense of self-worth is derived externally, you may never feel worthy. Here is a difficult lesson to learn. People may disappoint you. Others may never see the good you do because they cannot see past themselves. If you personalize someone else's failure to recognize what you do for him or her, you will never feel good about yourself. Again, my validation comes from my knowledge that no matter what I do, no matter how much I fail Him, God loves me with an everlasting love. His patience for me is endless and His mercy is new every day. Do not look for the validation of humans. You may receive it sometimes, and that is nice, but you also may not and your self-worth cannot depend on it.

So now let us tie this all together. In order to be a joyful giver, your motivation has to be in the right order and your focus in the right place. If you give of yourself, how another receives it is irrelevant. Do not give out of a sense of obligation. No one likes a martyr. Do not allow yourself to become a doormat by giving from the wrong place in your heart. Do not focus on what others think of you. Giving is not about making people think one way or another about you. Finally, if you give, go into it not expecting anything in return. Focus on how giving of yourself freely makes you feel content and joyful. Focus on what God thinks about it and how it will please Him. Basically, ego needs to be removed from the act of giving of yourself. If there is too much ego involved, your motivation is coming from the wrong source and the end result will most likely not be what you wanted. If you consider yourself to be a giving person but you are unhappy, right here, right now, I challenge you to ask yourself what your giving motivation is. It is better to not give at all than to have the wrong giving motivation. God wants a cheerful giver! God bless!