Come Meet Me in the Gray!

In cognitive therapy, we address a person’s faulty thinking patterns. Faulty thinking can lead to distress. One type of faulty thinking patter is called “dichotomous thinking” or “black and white thinking.” This type of thinking leads one to think in one extreme or the other. It is an “all or nothing” mentality in which gray areas simply do not and can not exist. These types of thinkers have very rigid and inflexible perceptions and ways of viewing the world. They think in absolute terms. People who think in this way often find themselves in a perpetual state of distress.

It seems extreme thinkers are often the cause of conflict and strife. We can see examples of these types of people in our social media conversations. I know I have experienced people who have berated me because I would not agree with their extreme positions 100%. For me, objectivity is paramount. I am able to see the gray areas of various situations, but extreme thinkers cannot join me in the gray areas. Rather than simply agreeing to disagree, extreme thinkers like this tend to react with extreme anger. Unfortunately, they carry this anger around with them and are often easily triggered.

Perceiving through an absolute lens makes life very difficult, because conflict can be found in even the most common situations. I worked with a client, whom I will refer to as Donna. Donna constantly walked around in a state of “righteous” anger. She was very unforgiving and managed to alienate a lot of her family members as a result.  She was an extreme thinker who thought in very morally absolute terms. When those in her life did not live up to her moral absolutes, she would create a conflict with them and then cut them out of her life.

Our work together involved restructuring her thinking in a way that allowed for “gray areas.” She slowly learned that no one is all good or all bad (good and bad being subjective terms, of course). She slowly understood that one can be simultaneously “good” and “bad”. Our tedious work together also involved her understanding that her definitions of “good” and “bad” were not necessarily absolute and that what she saw as moral or good, others may see differently, but that did not make them wrong or immoral. She finally learned that in the gray area, or the middle ground, was peace and harmony. In the gray area, she could accept that when those in her life disagreed with her, they were not necessarily bad people who were unworthy of her time and effort. She learned to love them while agreeing to disagree. She learned to accept them for who they were and love even the parts of them that did not line up with her moral absolutes.

Does Donna’s story resonate with you? Would you consider yourself to be a black and white thinker? If you are not sure, consider these questions. Do you feel angry much of the time? Do you find that you cannot have a debate or disagreement with someone without becoming angry? Are you quick to cut people out of your life? Do you find that you are frequently in conflict with others, whether they are family, colleagues, co-workers or acquaintances? Is it difficult for you to consider that you may be wrong at times? Is it difficult for you to see things from another’s perspective? If you have answered yes to even a few of these questions, you may need to accept the fact that you are a black and white thinker.

There is nothing wrong with living by moral codes. There is nothing wrong with having a set of ethics and values and not wanting to deviate from those. However, the trouble comes when you think that your view of the world is the only correct view there is. Your experiences may have defined your view of the world, but other people have had different experiences and their views are every bit as valid as you believe yours to be. It is not about who is right or who is wrong. It is about realizing that people have different perspectives. Peace and harmony can be achieved only when we are willing to find the middle ground and co-exist in the gray areas of life. Nothing is really absolute; that is a distorted view of reality. There are always different ways of viewing things. Once you can accept this, then you will free yourself from the rigidity that may now hold you captive. So, will you meet me in the gray? God bless!