Mantras + Scripture = Positivity

So, is anyone on Pinterest? I love that website. It is a great way to save websites that interest you. I have several boards that hold recipes, do it yourself ideas, positive sayings, spiritual encouragement, and the list goes on. I came across a pin that was entitled, “4 Daily Mantras For Avoiding Negativity” by Angie Sarhan (retrieved from sivanaeast.com). I am all about staying positive and I truly believe in the power of words, so I frequently encourage my clients and patients to use positive mantras to replace the negative thoughts that lead to depression and anxiety.

I do like the mantras Ms. Sarhan used; however, for me personally, I find that Scripture is more powerful than anything a person can produce. So I decided to use Ms. Sarhan’s mantras as a starting point and I decided to add to them scriptures with similar messages. Giving credit to Ms. Sarhan, I would like to build on what she wrote. The following are 4 mantras and complimentary Scriptures to help us avoid negativity:

1) From Sarhan: “My day brings me abundant happiness.”

    From Psalm 28:7: “Adonai is my strength and shield; in Him my heart trusted, and I have been

                                 Helped. Therefore, my heart is filled with joy, and I will sing praises to

                                Him.”

If we start our day with a positive frame of mind, we set the tone for the entire day and we also may influence others in a positive way. It is possible to be positive even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Although Sarhan’s words are positive and probably very helpful, sometimes words alone are not enough. Sometimes, we just cannot accomplish things in our own strength. As for me, the Lord is my strength when I am weak; I need Him. So, since the Lord inhabits the praises of His people (Psalm 22:3), I will praise Him in my distress and that always lifts me up.

2) From Sarhan: “I am protected in all ways.”

    From Deuteronomy 31:6: “Be strong, be bold, don’t be afraid or frightened of them,

                                                for  Adonai your God is going with you. He will neither fail you

           nor abandon you”

Sarhan speaks about warding off negativity by feeling as if you are protected. She visualizes herself in a bubble that shields her from other people’s negativity. This is a pleasant thought, but visualizing alone does not do the job. It is the Lord my God who protects me. He goes before me and fights my battles for me! If God is for me, who can be against me? That is all the protection I need. I walk in faith and I feel secure.

3) From Sarhan: “I bring joy to everyone I meet. I manifest positive encounters.”

    From Psalm 51:12-13: “Restore my joy in your salvation, and let a willing spirit uphold me.
                                                         Then I will teach the wicked your ways, and sinners will return to you.”

I firmly believe in leading by example and being the change you wish to see in the world around you. We absolutely affect each other as we all walk through this life. I am a very empathic person and I can physically feel when someone is hurting, either mentally or physically. I feel heaviness in my heart. When a person walks into a room, I can sense immediately whether that person is happy or sad, calm or anxious, and whether he or she has good intensions or is deceitful. That is a gift that God gave me and that is what makes me so good at what I do. I also know that I can affect other people in much the same way. Since I always want to be a willing vessel for my Creator, I always want to show Him through me, through my deeds, actions and words. His Spirit shining through me creates a safe zone for all of those in my presence. I strive to show the love that God has for all of us.

4) From Sarhan: “I end my day in peace and harmony. I release what does not serve my highest

                            good.”

    From Psalm 37:37: “Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and go after it!”

We all want peace in our lives. As Sarhan says, we need to decide to let go of the things that poison our souls. I can quote Scripture after Scripture that teaches us to forgive, release anger, love one another, and so on, but Psalm 37:37 is brief and to the point. It is a reminder that we must actively go after peace, especially when things around us get too chaotic. We have no control over the chaos sometimes and we may also feel that we have no control over our thoughts, but if we focus in on what God says, He gives us a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) and He leaves us with His peace through the Ruach HaKodesh (the Holy Spirit), which is not of this world (John 14:27).

I would like to thank Angie Sarhan for her positivity and for sharing her gentle spirit. I just believe in my soul that in addition to the sentiments of human beings, we need the confirmation of God’s word so that we know we are walking down the right path. If things do not line up with what God says, I feel it in my spirit and it just does not sit right with me. I always say, in the center of God’s will is where I want to be. If I stay there, I know I will be happy, I will be protected, I will show His love through me, and I will have abundant peace. I wish all who are reading this happiness, protection, positivity and abundant peace. God bless!

Home is Where You Hang Your Hat...and Heart

They say that when you dream of home, it is always the home in which you were raised. For me, that is definitely true. I am 44 years old, I have been married for 22 years and we have 18 year old twins, yet, when I dream, I often find myself right back in my childhood bedroom. I can still see the pale yellow walls, the yellow curtains, and my white furniture. I can still remember how hot it used to get in the summer and how cold it was in the winter. It was a small room, but it was mine. My dad has since made it into a computer/train room, but whenever I am at the house, the days in my room feel like yesterday. The whole house is like a part of the family. My parents still live there. I cannot even imagine for one second driving by the house without it being a part of my family; I do not want to think about it.

About 2 or so years ago, I had as a client an 18 year old, whom I will refer to as Rebecca, who suffered with tremendous anxiety and panic attacks. Her parents divorced when she was a younger child. She, her mother and brother moved into a town house. Her father quickly remarried a woman who already had a child. She did not realize it at first, but she was suffering with feelings of grief over, not only her parents’ marriage, but also her childhood home. As we peeled back the layers in therapy, she came to realize a big source of her anxiety was the feeling that she had no roots, no anchor, no place where she felt she could call her home.

Once she made that realization, I helped her to reframe the meaning she gave to “home.” It was through that work with Rebecca that I too realized what home really means. The house I grew up in is my home because my parents made it a wonderful place of love, family, friends, celebrations, laughter, tears and so many memories I cannot even count. That home is the place where my siblings and I can catch up with each other with our parents. The house itself is not the anchor; the anchor is my family.

In my adult life, my husband and I have moved more times than I care to say and for various reasons. The house we lived in the longest caused us the biggest aggravation. It was an old house and there was one problem after another, sort of like the movie “The Money Pit”, only it was not funny! Yet, that was my children’s childhood home. For me, whenever my husband and kids are with me, I am at home. As long as I focus on God and the love I have for my family, where we happen to reside is inconsequential. It says in Psalm 127:1, “Unless Adonai builds the house, its builders work in vain.” In other words, unless we recognize what is important and that we are where God wants us to be, we can live in a magnificent abode and still feel unhappy.

Rebecca realized her main anchor was her little family. Her mother was her rock and her goofy brother made her feel safe and comfortable. The house in which her father and new step sister and mother live lessened in importance to her as she realized her town house was her home, because her mom and brother were there. This freed her to let go of the anger and resentment she felt towards her father, step-mother and sister. It freed her to go off to college feeling more secure, because her roots were not in a physical building, but in the family that loves her. Although we never discussed her spiritual beliefs in therapy, I know for certain that God loves her too and He will lead her to where she needs to go.

My parents provided me with a good foundation and it is because of them, and my Creator, that I am the person I am today. They are my home. My husband is my home. My children are my home. The message I would like to leave you with is this. Do not put value on things that are temporary and made by the hands of people. Put your energy and focus on the people in your life whom you love and treasure. That is what really matters. God bless!

Let's Talk it Out

Why is it so difficult for people to talk to one another? Whether with coworkers, friends, significant others or family, we seem to find it so difficult to address our grievances with one another. For the record, when I say "we", I am including myself. In both my personal and professional life, I have observed many reasons for this. It is my hope that we can all learn to talk it out rather than continue to fall into the same communication and relational traps that keep us from living in peace with one another.

One reason for our failure to work through our issues with one another is the transmission of faulty relational patterns from generation to generation. One of my clients is a good example of this. I will call her Maggie. Maggie grew up in a house where talking about "bad things" was pretty much forbidden. It was never an explicit directive; rather, it was the underlying tone of the family dynamics. There were a lot of problems in Maggie's upbringing, such as alcoholism, abuse, neglect and strife, yet it was never talked about, amongst each other or with anyone else. Maggie brought these relational patterns into her life. She and her husband have severe marital issues, yet they both tend to "sweep under the rug" all the problems and never address them. They basically live like roommates. Maggie did not even realize how much her pent up hurt and resentment towards her husband has affected her all these years. All she knew was that she was not happy. Only recently has she begun to connect the dots.

Another reason we find it so difficult to talk through our problems is our own faulty thinking. I have spoken about faulty thinking before. We all use faulty thinking from time to time. How we view the world is filtered through our core beliefs. Core beliefs are formed throughout our lifetime. How our family relates to one another, the experiences we have, the influences on our lives, all shape our view of ourselves and others. Staying with Maggie, she has very faulty thinking. She makes many assumptions about how her husband will react if she tries to address her issues with him. She uses what is called "mind reading" because she thinks she knows exactly what her husband is thinking and feeling about her, she gets herself very angry, as if what she is thinking is fact, and she fails to check in with him to verify whether her assumptions are correct. As a result, she simply avoids dealing with her husband altogether. He seems to be doing the same, as he is completely disengaged from the family. They both allowed their resentments to grow into what seems to be an almost insurmountable rift. They have sacrificed years of happiness because they could not face the distress of working through their issues together. How sad that is.

Maggie and her husband are negatively affecting their children. All 3 of Maggie's children have severe anxiety. That is no accident. It is not surprising either. The tension in the household is constant. Neither Maggie nor her husband displays any affection towards one another and the children are noticing. If Maggie does not learn how to own her feelings and express them to her husband, regardless of how she thinks he will respond, the negativity and resentment will grow and the family will be irrevocably broken, and all because Maggie and her husband could not talk through their issues.

If Maggie's story resonates with you, please understand this. It is human nature to want to avoid distress. Confrontations and arguments certainly can be very distressful, but consider this. Avoiding addressing an issue with someone in your life does not make the problem go away, nor does it make the feelings of resentment go away. On the contrary, the resentment will grow and cause even more distress. In other words, whether you address the issue with the person or not, you are going to feel distress. If you face it, head on, with the person, you at least have a chance of resolving the issue and living in peace. If you do not, the tension will be ever present and the resentment will grow to unmanageable levels.

I end this discussion with this plea. Please, talk it out! Do not let a root of bitterness grow, which "causes trouble and thus contaminates many" (Hebrews 12:15). In Maggie's case, her bitterness and that of her husband have absolutely contaminated them and their children. They are missing out on the peace and happiness that God wants them to have, all because they will not talk to one another. If you feel you have an unaddressed root of bitterness growing inside of you, please nip it in the bud and talk to the person who is causing you pain. Do not assume he or she will not respond to your pain. Do not avoid the discussion because you find confrontation distressful. Are you not already distressed? Life is too precious to waste time being resentful. Please, talk it out and resolve your differences. You can do it!

To the Main Worrier in my Life:

I used to be quite the worrier. If there was nothing to worry about, you can bet I would find something. It was as if the state of perpetual worry was normal and, if I was not worried, I felt a sense of impending doom, like the proverbial shoe was about to drop. I could never just enjoy the moment or embrace a state of peace, because I felt as if I needed to constantly be prepared for something bad to happen. Then, a few years ago, I realized why. It was because of my upbringing. In my home, I was indirectly taught that if you love someone, you are supposed to worry about that person and, if you were not worrying about the person, then your love was not strong enough or you were somehow neglectful.

This way of thinking stayed with me long after my children were born. I became a helicopter mother or, what I call a “smother”. Here is an example of my smothering. When my kids started pre-school, I could never just drop them off and go home. The preschool was about 25 minutes from my home. I catastrophized about all the things that could happen that would make me late picking them up from school. I pictured them traumatized, crying in the classroom wondering where I was. So, I hung around and tried my best to kill 3 hours. When I think about all the things I could have gotten done at home instead of wasting my time meandering around the kids’ pre-school, I could really kick myself.

Even when there is something to legitimately worry about, I still find no utility in it. I have decided to make a conscious decision to maintain hope instead of ruminating on all of the horrible things that could happen. This does not mean that I am oblivious to the things that can go wrong or that I am in some type of denial. I just choose to put my faith in God and trust that He will take care of the situation and make it turn out to the benefit of those whom I love. I choose to let my faith overpower my fear.

I have a family member, who will remain nameless, who also has great faith; however, I think reminders are needed from time to time. This person tends to call me and speak over and over about the same worries and fears, expecting me to somehow either comfort her or be dragged down into the worry pit with her. Well, if she is reading this (and I venture to guess that she knows this is directed towards her), I would like to say my days of talking and talking and talking about things are over. I now choose to pray about it. Talking and worrying about it constantly do not solve the problem. If anything, they compound the problem, because after a conversation like the ones we have had many times, the problems still exist and then I feel ten times worse. I love you, but I cannot allow that anymore. We can talk, but we will not ruminate on the bad. We will trust the promises God makes to us.

Remember it says in Psalm 55:22, “Unload your burden on Adonai and He will sustain you.” Do you not believe Him? Well, if you do not, I will believe Him for the both of us. I can do nothing in my own strength. I will not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6). Instead of worrying, I will remain focused on the fact that the Lord has plans for a future and a purpose for the ones about whom you are worried (Jeremiah 29:11). Even when fear starts to rise up in me, I will remain focused on His promise that He is our God and He will strengthen us with His righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). When will you allow your faith to overpower your fear? I just want you to know that I love you and everyone else in my life and just because I do not want to crawl into the worry pit with you does not mean that I love you, or anyone else, any less. It just means that I trust in God more than I fear the future. I hope you understand and crawl out of the pit. We all know you love us just the same.

Get Out of Your Head!

“Guilt is the past; worry is the future and they both rob you of today.” That is one of my favorite mantras. For me, it is a great reminder to stay in the present. If we are feeling guilty, we are most likely thinking about whatever mistakes we may have made in the past. We spend our time thinking about actions we regret and lamenting about how those mistakes affected us or people we love. If we are worrying, then we are most likely projecting into the future, thinking about the myriad calamities that can occur. It is as if we believe that, in thinking about every possible contingency, we can somehow control the outcome. Guilt and worry do nothing more than keep us trapped inside our heads and away from our present lives.

Guilt is such a waste of emotion. I am not saying that we should have no conscience or that we should feel no remorse if we have hurt others, but guilt becomes problematic when we inappropriately punish ourselves because of something we did in the past. What a precious waste of time that is. If you have learned from your mistake and you have made efforts not to repeat the behavior, then it is time to forgive yourself and let it go. The Bible reminds us of this quite frequently. For example, it says in Isaiah 43:18, “stop dwelling on past events and brooding over times gone by.” In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul is a tremendous example of how we should let go of the past and focus on our present goals. He of all people should have understood this since he was completely transformed by God. When he said, “but one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead” (Philippians 3:13), he was reminding us that the past can keep us stuck. In order to press forward and achieve our goals, we need to let the past go and fix our eyes on the present.

Worry is also a waste of time and energy. Corrie tem Boom said, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.” Worry sucks the very life out of you because it creates such intense feelings of fear and anxiety. Think about what you are doing when you spend so much time in your head projecting into a future that has not yet occurred and a future over which you really have no control. Not only are you imprisoning yourself, as you are locked within your mind’s eye, but you are causing yourself harm. You cause yourself to think of the very worst case scenarios and then your body viscerally goes through the emotions as if the terrible event is already occurring. I find that very often, what actually occurs is never as bad as what we imagine. Again, this is such a precious waste of time. In Luke 12:25, this question is posed, “Can any of you by worrying add an hour to his life?” If anything, worrying only subtracts from our lives and adds nothing good.

I have learned from working in oncology the absolute necessity for people to master crawling out of their heads and staying in the present. Cancer patients have every reason to project and worry. As they are faced with their mortality, they naturally reflect upon their lives and often find themselves feeling tremendous guilt and regret over past mistakes or missed opportunities. To me, this is so very sad, because they are ruining their present and wasting the time they have left to spend with those whom they love. Even in the midst of darkness, joy can be found and life is still worth living, but how can one live it while shackled to the past or stuck in a never ending haze of catastrophe? I leave you now with this encouragement, “This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24). God bless!

Reflections on Shavuot

Tomorrow evening marks the Jewish holiday of Shavuot, or feast of weeks. It falls 50 days after the first day of Passover. It celebrates the giving of the Torah to Moses on Mount Sinai. In Biblical Times, Shavuot was one of 3 holidays in which the Jewish people were required to come to the Temple in Jerusalem and bring the first fruits of their harvest. Christians may recognize this holiday as Pentecost, which is the Greek word for fiftieth.  Remember, everything from the New Testament first originated in the Old Testament.

Shavuot is very special because through the Torah, God spoke to His people. It was a covenant sealed through His word especially for His beloved children. The Torah has bound Jews everywhere together for thousands of years. Pentecost bound Christians and Jews together even further. This bond is special because this is what God wants for all of His people, just as He wants us bound to him.

For Jewish people, the Torah is direct communication from God. It holds within it instructions for life. It teaches how to live a life with morals, ethics and values. It teaches humans how to dispense perfect, Godly justice. Fairness, responsibility, empathy, service to our fellow humans, discipline, respect, honor, love and forgiveness are all taught in Torah. Precise instructions as to how to achieve these attributes were given by Abba Father to His children. To Christians, Pentecost marks the moment the Ruach HaKodesh, or Holy Spirit, descended upon those who believed that Yeshua (Jesus) was the Messiah and Son of God. People suddenly were able to speak in different languages and understood one another as never before. Again, the Holy Spirit was given, just as the Torah before that was given, so that God could communicate with His people and instruct them in the way they needed to live. Both the Torah and the Holy Spirit were and are gifts from a Father to His children.

Shavuot and Pentecost have an even deeper connection. Jewish people think of Moses receiving the Torah as a covenant like that of marriage. It was a sacred pact and promise between God and the people of Israel that He would be their God and they would always be His precious people. At Pentecost, the Holy Spirit reinforced this covenant and was extended not only to Jewish people but also to the nations. A Father’s love allows for the adoption of many into His Kingdom.

When I sit and ponder the love that our Creator has for us, I become so emotional. I feel sometimes that I am not worthy of this kind of love, that I do not deserve it, but then I want to honor that love by being the best I can be. I honor that love by valuing myself, by accepting myself, flaws and imperfections and all, and I strive to share that love with others, because His love lives within me.  He wants me to be an example and a light to others. I try and teach others to value themselves, especially if they know the love of God, but even if they do not, they can still feel it through me. I try to see others as God sees them, so I can let go of anger and resentment. I am not always successful, because I am human and sometimes my humanness gets in the way of Abba’s love, but the great news is that God’s gift keeps on giving. His mercy is new every day and he continues to give us another chance to get it right.  Tomorrow evening, as Shavuot begins, I challenge you to allow yourself to receive the love of God. Let that love drive out the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the insecurity, and the negativity in your soul. See yourself the way God does and value yourself, if for no other reason,  to honor Him and the covenant He has made with all who love Him. If you know that kind of love, you cannot possibly ever doubt your worth and value again. God bless!

Change is Coming.

Why is change so hard? I have often heard that the hell you know is better than the hell you don’t know. That does not quite sit well with me though, because I am basically a positive person. That has such negative connotations. Change is scary, but change can be good too.

I often have clients come to me who realize they are “stuck” and are so unhappy, yet, week after week, they fail to implement steps towards changing their situation. It can really leave you scratching your head wondering why on earth they favor staying in their misery instead of putting in the effort to try for something better. I have a client, whom I will call Burt. Burt has been coming to me for several years now. For the longest time, he would complain about how empty his life was, how depressed he was and he would talk about changes he would like to make. Session after session, he was like a broken record. We discussed plans of action, but he rarely followed through with the actions. Only recently has he shown more effort and motivation, but it is progress nevertheless.

In Burt’s case, he became comfortable in his mental illness. He used it as a crutch. Rather than admitting that he may not have been putting forth the effort to improve his life, it was easier to simply blame his mental illness and stay stuck. Although he was not happy, his little safe “box” of a life is all he had known for so long. The prospect of something different scared him. Perhaps it was because he was afraid to fail. Perhaps it was because he was afraid more would be expected of him and he was scared to disappoint people. Whatever the reason, Burt was afraid to push himself outside of his comfort zone and try for real change in his life.

It is human nature to want to avoid distress and fear certainly breeds distress, but is it not just as distressing to remain in a situation that makes you miserable or that gives you no joy? Does it not take effort anyway to move from day to day, trying to survive the misery, only to stay in the same unhappy and dismal place? If you put forth effort to change your situation, sure, it may be hard. It may take a very long time, but at least you would have the hope of something better. When you feel stuck, hope is something not very easy to come by.

I myself am about to undergo a change. I am scared, but there is also an underlying excitement and hope for great things to come. My faith is a big part of why I can press forward, feel fear, but do it anyway. I also look to scripture for comfort. Isaiah 43:19 says, “I am doing something new; it’s springing up-can’t you see it?” How exciting! Another scripture that always comforts me and gives me tremendous hope for the future is Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know what plans I have in mind for you, ‘says Adonai, ‘plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future.” How awesome is that?

If you are reading this and you feel stuck and afraid to face change in your life, please take what I said to heart. I know it is scary to face the unknown. I know you may be afraid of failing or disappointing people, but please remember this. Success can never come without failure. Failure is just another opportunity to learn. As far as worrying about disappointing people, please stop. Those who love you unconditionally will love and support you no matter what. Reach out to them and accept their support as you take steps to change your life for the better. Do not be afraid. You have a purpose and God has big plans for you, you just have to make the decision to step outside of your comfort zone and do it afraid. You can do it! God bless.