The Power of Hope

“’For I know what plans I have in mind for you,’ says Adonai, ‘plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future.’” That verse is Jeremiah 29:11, which is one of my favorite scriptures. It always reminds me of the power that hope brings into our lives. Hope is trusting in, waiting for, and expecting good things and positive change to happen. Hope is the driving force that allows us to weather the darkest storms in our lives. In the midst of that darkness, when all seems bleak, we can hold on to hope and that hope is like a life preserver in a tumultuous sea of anguish.

I have seen the power of hope, both in my personal life and my professional life. I have personally experienced some pretty distressing times in my life. There were times when I could not find hope. However, God faithfully showed Himself in those situations and they inevitably turned for the better, even if I did not see it right away. I have learned that life is about moments; some will be good, some will be mundane, and some will be bad. When things are good, I have learned to stay in the moment and savor every second. When things are mundane, I try to keep my eyes fixed on what matters in life and I look for the beauty in each day. When things are bad, I have learned to leave the door open for hope and that helps me remember that the bad moment will eventually pass, even if it takes a while.

In the oncology world, we treating professionals live by the principle that we shall never take away a patient’s hope. Hope is the fuel of the soul. Hope in even the small victories can make the difference between allowing your diagnosis to define your existence and learning to find joy, even in the darkest of times. Whether it is hope for a cure or just hope that tomorrow you will feel well enough to enjoy the day, that hope allows you to continue pressing forward. It allows you to continue to live life and not simply exist until you die.

Job is a good example of someone who suffered much loss and physical affliction, yet, in his despair, he still maintained his hope. “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him yet” (Job 13:15). There were moments in his suffering that Job complained, cried out in his anger, and despaired, but it was His hope that ultimately pulled him through the ordeal and he was abundantly blessed when the ordeal ended. He had every reason to give up and just exist until he died, but he had the hope for something better and the turn around eventually came for him.

Hope is a guiding principle in my therapy work as well. The first thing I try to impart to my clients is  there is always hope that things will get better. I have a client, whom I will call Carol. When Carol first came to me, she felt as if her life was a complete mess. Her marriage was in trouble. She hated her job. Her kids were having major issues. She felt such despair and anguish because she felt as if her life had no meaning or purpose. After she finished sharing with me, through tears, what brought her to my office, my response was, “I am so happy for you!” After she looked at me with puzzlement on her face, I explained that I was happy for her, because it will only get better from here. I provided her with the beacon of hope that she needed to motivate her to trust in, wait for, and expect that positive change was indeed coming.

Hope, to me, is the most essential component for healing, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Hope is a decision, a decision that you will not believe that the turmoil with which you may be presently dealing is a permanent state of being for you. It is a decision to remind yourself that every problem has a solution, even if it takes a while to find. It is a decision that you will not always feel as badly as you do right now. It is a decision to look for joy, even in the midst of pain. It is the decision to trust in, wait for, and expect that things will get better. Hope for minor victories and hope for huge triumphs. Hope that no matter what adversity you face, God will turn the situation for your benefit and you will become a better version of yourself. Make the decision, right now, to leave the door open for the power of hope. God bless!

Agree to Disagree!

Boy, this has been one ugly election season, has it not? Do not worry; I have no intention of talking about politics. I am simply bringing this up because a lot of craziness has occurred during the campaign season. Friends have turned against one another. Family members have been at odds. Fellow citizens feel as if they are each other’s enemies. We have all had moments of anger, frustration, fear, and maybe even some rage. Now that the election is behind us, I am hopeful that we can all settle down and return to some type of homeostasis.

One thing I have noticed is that people have been unable to disagree with civility. Take good old Facebook for example. I have had to “unfriend” some people, not because they disagreed with me, but because they started to attack me personally. I will tell you right now, I will never put up with that. I do not to it to others and I deserve the same courtesy. People have been so passionate about their views and when someone disagrees with them, they take it personally. Once that happens, the anger comes and all rationality flies out the window.

Personalization is a type of cognitive distortion that causes undue anger, resentment and hurt. We must learn to agree to disagree in order to maintain our relationships. If someone happens to disagree with you, try not to take it as a personal affront. The beautiful thing about all of us is that God made each and every one of us uniquely. Let us accept that not everyone will think the same in every situation. In Ecclesiastes 7:9, it says, “Don’t be quick to get angry, for only fools nurse anger.” If you take things personally every time some one does not agree with your point of view, you are going to walk around in constant anger. Anger is poison to your soul.

Here is another little piece of advice. This is a mantra I share often with my clients. You do not have to attend every argument to which you are invited! Do not allow yourself to get sucked into the vortex of quarrel and hostility. I have seen many people get into a full brawl that started over minor issues. I have felt my very blood boil when I have allowed myself to engage in what amounted to be stupid and petty arguments. Folks, life is too short for that stuff.  As it says in 2 Timothy 2:23-24, “but stay away from stupid and ignorant controversies-you know they lead to fights.” I for one do not want to spend my precious time on this earth with my loved ones fighting and being angry.

Sometimes we have people in our lives that constantly want to fight and/or who are always angry at something or someone. For whatever reason, they constantly find something about which to be angry and they lash out at whomever is closest. They try to bait you into an argument. The aforementioned mantra is great for people like this. Do not get sucked into their vortex. Decline that invitation to fight. The anger they carry probably has nothing to do with you, so do not own it for yourself.

Finally, I like to say that words like “right” or “wrong” should be thrown out entirely. There does not always have to be a right one or a wrong one. It is simply a difference in perspective. If you resist personalizing and actually try to understand the other's point of view, you may actually learn a thing or two. Stay that pride. Pride can lead you into an angry place. “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (Proverbs 13:10). So the moral of the story and the lesson to be learned is that we all must master the art of agreeing to disagree. Stop taking everything so personally and learn to try and understand another’s perspective. You do not have to agree with it, but that does not mean the other is wrong. How boring would life be if we all agreed with each other all the time? God bless!

It is NOT That Complicated!

Have you ever noticed that we as humans tend to over-complicate everything? People are struggling with understanding who they are and what their purpose is. So many feel empty, scared, angry and depressed because they do not believe their lives have any meaning. We toil and toil trying to build a life for ourselves and our families. We sometimes miss the mark and put our focus on the wrong things, which only robs us of experiencing the fullness of joy that God wants us to have. Why does this happen? Why do we do this?

It is my personal belief that we just think too darn much. The more we are in our heads, the less we are in the presence of our lives. In other words, when we are thinking about past events that are no longer relevant, or we are worrying about a future that has not come yet, then we are missing what is right in front of us. If we dwell too long in our minds, way too much can go awry. We can control our thought life, but it is way too easy to lose control of where we allow our minds to travel. Once the thoughts go in the wrong direction, our emotions immediately follow. Our depression, anxiety, anger, and fear all come from thoughts gone awry.

Listen people, God made it really easy for us. First in Leviticus, God told us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (19:18). In Matthew 22, when Yeshua (Jesus) was teaching, someone asked him, “Rabbi, which of the mitzvot [commands] in the Torah is the most important?” (22:36). Yeshua’s answer was two-fold and very simple. He said we are to first love Adonai with all of our soul and strength. He then said we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. He went on to say that these two mitzvot are basically the foundation of the Torah and the Prophets. In other words, the most important thing in life is to trust and serve God and show you are His by loving one another.

So, how can this be applied to our lives? Again, it is really very simple. With love comes peace, because the positivity that love brings overpowers the negative emotions we carry and allow to overwhelm us. With love comes contentment. We are no longer consumed by what other people have that we do not. We do not need to worry about good things happening to bad people, because we trust in Adonai and trust that He will serve the justice. That frees us to focus on our blessings. With love comes joy. Hate, anger, bitterness, and fear are all emotions that drain the life force from us and rob us of our happiness. They poison our very soul. With love comes acceptance. No matter who a person is or how they treat us, if we act with love we “heap fiery coals of shame” (Proverbs 25:22) on the heads of those who hurt us. Who knows whether your act f love can change that person for the better. Love allows us to feel compassion and empathy for people and that paves the way for open dialogue, greater understanding and the opportunity to resolve conflict.

I can really go on and on about how the simple act of loving one another is the solution for almost everything, but I think you get the gist by now. In today’s world, with so much division, anger and strife, it is clear to me that no world leader seems to have the solution. The solution lies with each of us. If you do not think you have a purpose in this life, please allow me to suggest one. Your purpose, my purpose, and everyone’s purpose is to love and allow yourself to be loved. The love that you share may be the very thing that saves a person. The kindness that you show may be the very thing that gives a person who is suffering hope. If we serve our fellow man in love, we are serving our Creator, because that is exactly what He has commanded us to do. You will never be wrong by showing love.

So I end this discussion with this challenge. I challenge you to commit to loving. Start simply. Say good morning to coworkers as you pass them in the hallway. Hold doors open for people. Be a good friend. Help the needy. Have some extra patience for that annoying friend that you try to avoid. Make an effort to stay in the present, let go of hate, anger, fear, and regret and trust that God allowed you to experience things in your life for a purpose. Allow those things to give you wisdom. I even go as far as to say rejoice in your sadness, because that pain will make you stronger. Lead by example and heap fiery coals of kindness on people’s heads. Basically, with love, be the change we want to see in the world and, one person at a time, we just may yet make this world a better place. It really can be that simple! God bless!

 

Humble Yourselves

I absolutely believe in staying humble. Only when we are humble can we learn and grow. Only when we are humble, can we receive what we need to receive.  Arrogance and ego tend to be stumbling blocks to growth. Pride can keep us from getting what we need to survive. Humility can be difficult because it goes hand in hand with vulnerability, which people tend to be afraid of and use defenses in order to avoid; however, to stay humble is an essential component to gaining wisdom.

The importance of staying humble is an age old principle. Just for the heck of it, I researched and found that, according to answers.com, the concept of humility is addressed at least 92 times throughout the Bible. God must think being humble is pretty important. In Proverbs 15:33 it says, “The discipline of wisdom is fear of Adonai, so before being honored, a person must be humble.” God does not honor someone who is too puffed up in his or her own self-importance. He wants a teachable servant and one that is willing to accept His instruction. Over and over, Adonai says that if His people would just humble themselves and turn to Him, He would remember their sins no more. That message is repeated throughout the Old and New Testament. Again, it must be pretty darn important!

Being too arrogant can not only hurt you, but it can hurt other people. I once worked with a very arrogant doctor. I had received many complaints from both patients and co-workers about his arrogance and haughty attitude. He had a way of making people feel as if they were just dirt under his shoe. He made me feel that way at times, but I could handle it. I never felt the need to confront him about it, because, let’s face it, to him I was just a bug to be squashed. When it came to my patients, however, that was another story. I had a breast cancer patient who was chronically homeless, but not homeless. In other words, she always found a place to land. When I first met her after she had been diagnosed, she was very resistant to getting treatment. She was very scared and she felt a bit intimidated at first, but after sitting with her, talking with her and showing her kindness and patience, she finally agreed to undergo treatment.

 One particular day, someone caught wind of the fact that she may have been homeless again. With that, the doctor went on a rant about how he would not treat her. All he cared about was his own liability and there was no compassion at all from him. I understood the risks of being treated while homeless, because your immune system becomes compromised, but she was an adult who understood the risks. So, I went right up to him, very close to his face, and I firmly said, “Look, it took a lot of time and patience to get this woman to trust us enough to agree to treatment, so if she shows up today, you are treating her!” I think that was the first time I saw a glimpse of humility in the man. I was not about to let his arrogance interfere with my patient’s treatment. I also knew that if he had refused to treat her that day, she never would have come back and I could not allow that to happen. It is my hope that he learned a lesson in humility that day.

I see people battling their pride almost on a daily basis. I see it in the patients at the cancer center and I see it in my practice. People have so many needs, from financial to emotional. Too many times, they allow themselves to suffer rather than simply humbling themselves to ask for help. I remember one particular patient whom I basically had to force to accept financial help after she almost refused treatment because she could not afford her copay costs. Not only did I find her copay assistance, but I was able to pay some of her utility bills. One day, she broke down crying, because she was so grateful for the help. She finally realized that pride very nearly took her life. Only in humbling herself was she able to receive the kindness, love and help she needed so that she could receive her treatment.

Arrogance is a trap that makes a person believe he or she has nothing more to learn. I have a news flash for you; we learn until we die. No one is too accomplished to learn something new. Whatever you think you know, God knows infinitely more. In I Samuel 2:3, it says, “Stop your proud boasting! Don’t let arrogance come from your mouth! For Adonai is a God of knowledge, and He appraises actions.” Take the aforementioned good doctor; as brilliant and accomplished as he was,  his arrogance and self-centered attitude would have been seen by God as wicked and foolish. For all of his degrees and status, he had earned himself a negative reputation, which made people respect him less. I may not be wealthy or of high status, but that is not what I value. I stay humble and I try to be a servant to people. At the end of my life, I want to know that people felt my love, kindness and compassion. If I die knowing that, I know I will die the wealthiest woman on the planet.

I would like to end this discussion with some encouragement. I know how hard it is to battle your pride and humble yourself. I know that, at times, we think we know everything there is to know, so we close our minds to the opportunity to learn and grow. Where does pride actually get you? Will pride pay your bills? Will pride bring you love? Will pride help you to learn a new skill or will it help you gain the wisdom that only experience and the willingness to learn can bring? No, no, no, and no! Only by staying humble can we gain all of the above. By putting our own ego aside, we open up our soul to so much, including love, wisdom, knowledge and human kindness. As C.S. Lewis said, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.” Today, I challenge you to humble yourselves. You will not lose anything, but you will gain so much! God bless.

Don't Wait Until It Is Too Late

I do not like to dwell in regret and I truly believe that, for the most part, regret serves no purpose. However, I admit that I do have a few. One of those regrets concerns my friend Jen. I have written about her before. Jen and I met when we were both counselors at a summer camp. Before we got to know each other, we both were secretly envious of the other. Jen was just one of those cool, fun people that you wanted as your friend. I did not think she would give me the time of day and, little did I know, she was thinking the same about me. Thankfully, we both broke through whatever assumptions we had and we became friends.

We grew very close and stayed friends all through college. She was even a bridesmaid in my wedding. Sadly, as time went on, we slowly lost touch with one another. I was wrapped up in marriage and working and she was doing her single girl thing. We caught up a few years after I got married. She was living in Hoboken, NJ and working in NY. It was great catching up with her and I was so happy for her because she was really doing fabulously, as I knew she would be, but, again, we lost touch. Then not too long ago, I was thinking about her and I decided to search for her on Facebook, but I could not find her. I then sent a message to her step sister, who was an old friend from junior high school, and I asked how Jen was doing. It was almost as if I was punched in the gut when she told me that Jen died from colon cancer back in 2005. She said that it was a horrible tragedy because up until the day she went into the ER with severe abdominal pain, she had no symptoms. Jen and her husband were so happy and were planning to start a family. Then she went to the ER and was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.  The disease moved rapidly and Jen lost her battle.

I regret that I waited so long to get back in touch with Jen. I missed out on several years of having an amazing friend. We lost touch, not because we had a falling out, but simply because life had taken us in different directions. Over the years, I had always thought about her and I wondered what she was doing. I smiled as I remembered the fun and hysterical times we shared together. I always thought, “I know we will eventually get back in touch. There is plenty of time.” Well, turns out, there was not. Oh how I wish I had reached out to her sooner, much sooner, but I was just too late.

Folks, I share this story with you because I want this to be a reminder that time is fleeting and it is a fickle friend. I thought I had all the time in the world to catch up with Jen. Jen thought she had all the time in the world to have a baby. We all think we have all the time in the world to do this or that. Let this be a lesson to all of us that we may not. It says in Psalm 90:12, “So teach us to count our days, so that we will become wise.” Complacency is a funny thing. We human beings are the only living things that are cognizant of our mortality, yet we walk about in a perpetual state of denial about it. I suppose we have to be in order to function, but the negative side of that is the complacency keeps us from embracing the important parts of life. Time is something we think we have plenty of, but as Jen reminds us, we do not necessarily have the amount we think we have. That alone should make us wise enough to realize that we should do the things we want to do before it is too late, like re-connect with old friends, mend rifts in relationships, and tell those whom we love how much we love them and what they mean to us.

As my mother always says, no one is promised tomorrow. Please do not take this message as something negative. My hope is that, if you have read this post in its entirety, then you will walk away with a renewed sense of purpose. Seize the day. Live life to its fullest. Love those whom you love with all your might. Let go of anger, resentment, and grudges. Embrace today and seek its joy with fervor.  I know that if Jen were still here, that is exactly what she would be doing. God bless!

Mantras + Scripture = Positivity

So, is anyone on Pinterest? I love that website. It is a great way to save websites that interest you. I have several boards that hold recipes, do it yourself ideas, positive sayings, spiritual encouragement, and the list goes on. I came across a pin that was entitled, “4 Daily Mantras For Avoiding Negativity” by Angie Sarhan (retrieved from sivanaeast.com). I am all about staying positive and I truly believe in the power of words, so I frequently encourage my clients and patients to use positive mantras to replace the negative thoughts that lead to depression and anxiety.

I do like the mantras Ms. Sarhan used; however, for me personally, I find that Scripture is more powerful than anything a person can produce. So I decided to use Ms. Sarhan’s mantras as a starting point and I decided to add to them scriptures with similar messages. Giving credit to Ms. Sarhan, I would like to build on what she wrote. The following are 4 mantras and complimentary Scriptures to help us avoid negativity:

1) From Sarhan: “My day brings me abundant happiness.”

    From Psalm 28:7: “Adonai is my strength and shield; in Him my heart trusted, and I have been

                                 Helped. Therefore, my heart is filled with joy, and I will sing praises to

                                Him.”

If we start our day with a positive frame of mind, we set the tone for the entire day and we also may influence others in a positive way. It is possible to be positive even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Although Sarhan’s words are positive and probably very helpful, sometimes words alone are not enough. Sometimes, we just cannot accomplish things in our own strength. As for me, the Lord is my strength when I am weak; I need Him. So, since the Lord inhabits the praises of His people (Psalm 22:3), I will praise Him in my distress and that always lifts me up.

2) From Sarhan: “I am protected in all ways.”

    From Deuteronomy 31:6: “Be strong, be bold, don’t be afraid or frightened of them,

                                                for  Adonai your God is going with you. He will neither fail you

           nor abandon you”

Sarhan speaks about warding off negativity by feeling as if you are protected. She visualizes herself in a bubble that shields her from other people’s negativity. This is a pleasant thought, but visualizing alone does not do the job. It is the Lord my God who protects me. He goes before me and fights my battles for me! If God is for me, who can be against me? That is all the protection I need. I walk in faith and I feel secure.

3) From Sarhan: “I bring joy to everyone I meet. I manifest positive encounters.”

    From Psalm 51:12-13: “Restore my joy in your salvation, and let a willing spirit uphold me.
                                                         Then I will teach the wicked your ways, and sinners will return to you.”

I firmly believe in leading by example and being the change you wish to see in the world around you. We absolutely affect each other as we all walk through this life. I am a very empathic person and I can physically feel when someone is hurting, either mentally or physically. I feel heaviness in my heart. When a person walks into a room, I can sense immediately whether that person is happy or sad, calm or anxious, and whether he or she has good intensions or is deceitful. That is a gift that God gave me and that is what makes me so good at what I do. I also know that I can affect other people in much the same way. Since I always want to be a willing vessel for my Creator, I always want to show Him through me, through my deeds, actions and words. His Spirit shining through me creates a safe zone for all of those in my presence. I strive to show the love that God has for all of us.

4) From Sarhan: “I end my day in peace and harmony. I release what does not serve my highest

                            good.”

    From Psalm 37:37: “Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and go after it!”

We all want peace in our lives. As Sarhan says, we need to decide to let go of the things that poison our souls. I can quote Scripture after Scripture that teaches us to forgive, release anger, love one another, and so on, but Psalm 37:37 is brief and to the point. It is a reminder that we must actively go after peace, especially when things around us get too chaotic. We have no control over the chaos sometimes and we may also feel that we have no control over our thoughts, but if we focus in on what God says, He gives us a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) and He leaves us with His peace through the Ruach HaKodesh (the Holy Spirit), which is not of this world (John 14:27).

I would like to thank Angie Sarhan for her positivity and for sharing her gentle spirit. I just believe in my soul that in addition to the sentiments of human beings, we need the confirmation of God’s word so that we know we are walking down the right path. If things do not line up with what God says, I feel it in my spirit and it just does not sit right with me. I always say, in the center of God’s will is where I want to be. If I stay there, I know I will be happy, I will be protected, I will show His love through me, and I will have abundant peace. I wish all who are reading this happiness, protection, positivity and abundant peace. God bless!

Home is Where You Hang Your Hat...and Heart

They say that when you dream of home, it is always the home in which you were raised. For me, that is definitely true. I am 44 years old, I have been married for 22 years and we have 18 year old twins, yet, when I dream, I often find myself right back in my childhood bedroom. I can still see the pale yellow walls, the yellow curtains, and my white furniture. I can still remember how hot it used to get in the summer and how cold it was in the winter. It was a small room, but it was mine. My dad has since made it into a computer/train room, but whenever I am at the house, the days in my room feel like yesterday. The whole house is like a part of the family. My parents still live there. I cannot even imagine for one second driving by the house without it being a part of my family; I do not want to think about it.

About 2 or so years ago, I had as a client an 18 year old, whom I will refer to as Rebecca, who suffered with tremendous anxiety and panic attacks. Her parents divorced when she was a younger child. She, her mother and brother moved into a town house. Her father quickly remarried a woman who already had a child. She did not realize it at first, but she was suffering with feelings of grief over, not only her parents’ marriage, but also her childhood home. As we peeled back the layers in therapy, she came to realize a big source of her anxiety was the feeling that she had no roots, no anchor, no place where she felt she could call her home.

Once she made that realization, I helped her to reframe the meaning she gave to “home.” It was through that work with Rebecca that I too realized what home really means. The house I grew up in is my home because my parents made it a wonderful place of love, family, friends, celebrations, laughter, tears and so many memories I cannot even count. That home is the place where my siblings and I can catch up with each other with our parents. The house itself is not the anchor; the anchor is my family.

In my adult life, my husband and I have moved more times than I care to say and for various reasons. The house we lived in the longest caused us the biggest aggravation. It was an old house and there was one problem after another, sort of like the movie “The Money Pit”, only it was not funny! Yet, that was my children’s childhood home. For me, whenever my husband and kids are with me, I am at home. As long as I focus on God and the love I have for my family, where we happen to reside is inconsequential. It says in Psalm 127:1, “Unless Adonai builds the house, its builders work in vain.” In other words, unless we recognize what is important and that we are where God wants us to be, we can live in a magnificent abode and still feel unhappy.

Rebecca realized her main anchor was her little family. Her mother was her rock and her goofy brother made her feel safe and comfortable. The house in which her father and new step sister and mother live lessened in importance to her as she realized her town house was her home, because her mom and brother were there. This freed her to let go of the anger and resentment she felt towards her father, step-mother and sister. It freed her to go off to college feeling more secure, because her roots were not in a physical building, but in the family that loves her. Although we never discussed her spiritual beliefs in therapy, I know for certain that God loves her too and He will lead her to where she needs to go.

My parents provided me with a good foundation and it is because of them, and my Creator, that I am the person I am today. They are my home. My husband is my home. My children are my home. The message I would like to leave you with is this. Do not put value on things that are temporary and made by the hands of people. Put your energy and focus on the people in your life whom you love and treasure. That is what really matters. God bless!