Judge Not?

We have all heard the verse “Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged.” (Matthew 7:1). This verse is often used as an argument to support the notion that we are not supposed to judge others. Being called judgmental is most likely an insult. If we formulate an opinion about something or someone’s behavior, we are often thought of as a hypocrite. Let’s face it; most of us have done things in our past that we are not proud of, but, hopefully, we have learned from those mistakes. When we learn from our experiences, we gain a new wisdom and understanding. Therefore, I pose this question; doesn’t this new wisdom and understanding help us to discern things from a more educated perspective? Does this not allow us to judge in a fair and impartial manner? Are we really not supposed to judge?

My answer to that question is this. We can and should judge. The judgment is not the issue. The issue is the attitude from which one is judging. If we have not learned from our own mistakes, we have no right to judge other people’s bad behavior. That becomes the type of hypocritical judgment that is frowned upon in scripture. Paul teaches about this in Romans 2:1, “Therefore you have no excuse, whoever you are, passing judgment; for when you judge someone else, you are passing judgment against yourself; since you who are judging do the same things he does.” If we have not taken the time to do some self-reflection and if we have not dealt with the problems that exist in our own lives, we are not able to see things very clearly. We have no wisdom with which to judge and, most likely, if we are passing judgment on someone else under these circumstances, we are not coming from a place of knowledge, love, or concern. This type of judgment only serves to either tear someone down, or it serves as a futile attempt to build ourselves up, either consciously or unconsciously.

Judgment is valid only when we can speak from a place of humility and wisdom. When we have dealt with our own issues, learned from our mistakes and amended bad or destructive behavior, can we offer a judgment that is substantive. Only when we have repented of our own sins, can we truly offer a judgment that is productive. That is what Yeshua (Jesus) meant when he said, “First, take the log out of your own eye; then you will see clearly so that you can remove the splinter from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

A judgment that is honorable is meant for edification and gentle correction. Judgment based on that which is righteous is worthy to be expressed. A judgment that is formulated from the wisdom one has gained through real introspection and repentance of mistakes is not hypocritical. Paul says in Galatians 6:1, “Brothers, suppose someone is caught doing something wrong. You who have the Spirit should set him right, but in a spirit of humility, keeping an eye on yourselves so that you won’t be tempted too.” In other words, as long as you are coming from a constructive place of humility, not only can you judge, but it is your duty to judge. For example, if you are a recovering alcoholic who lost his license because you were drunk driving, isn’t it your obligation to judge your 18-year-old son if you catch him coming home drunk after he had been driving? If you have learned from your own mistakes, you absolutely have the authority and obligation to judge your child. You are not a hypocrite unless you are still engaging in the behavior yourself and you think it is ok for you to do, but not ok for your son. Wrong is wrong and we are allowed to judge what is wrong.

To recap; judging is not the problem. We are constantly judging. We judge what food we eat, based on whether or not we care to be healthy. We judge whom we allow into our lives as friends and confidants. We judge the activities in which we participate, based on our interests. We judge which causes we champion, based on our morals, values, and beliefs. We also judge others, either by their character or behavior, because we need to know with whom we are interacting. A judgment that comes from arrogance is not righteous. A judgment that is meant to make another feel inferior is malicious. A judgment that is meant to build oneself up at the expense of another is weak. A judgment that is based on ignorance is ineffective. However, righteous judgment comes from a place of humble wisdom. This is discernment. A judgment that comes from a heart of concern is speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). A judgment that edifies and builds others up is noble. Do not be afraid to judge. Let’s put it this way, if you are taking the time to think about whether you should be judging, then you are probably coming from good intentions. Someone who has never repented or who has never done any meaningful introspection is usually the type to judge from a place of malice rather than love. If someone accuses you of being judgmental, do not get upset. Take a pause, examine where your heart is, and if it is in the right place, do not hesitate to judge. It may be your duty to do so. God bless!

The Power of Hope

“’For I know what plans I have in mind for you,’ says Adonai, ‘plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future.’” That verse is Jeremiah 29:11, which is one of my favorite scriptures. It always reminds me of the power that hope brings into our lives. Hope is trusting in, waiting for, and expecting good things and positive change to happen. Hope is the driving force that allows us to weather the darkest storms in our lives. In the midst of that darkness, when all seems bleak, we can hold on to hope and that hope is like a life preserver in a tumultuous sea of anguish.

I have seen the power of hope, both in my personal life and my professional life. I have personally experienced some pretty distressing times in my life. There were times when I could not find hope. However, God faithfully showed Himself in those situations and they inevitably turned for the better, even if I did not see it right away. I have learned that life is about moments; some will be good, some will be mundane, and some will be bad. When things are good, I have learned to stay in the moment and savor every second. When things are mundane, I try to keep my eyes fixed on what matters in life and I look for the beauty in each day. When things are bad, I have learned to leave the door open for hope and that helps me remember that the bad moment will eventually pass, even if it takes a while.

In the oncology world, we treating professionals live by the principle that we shall never take away a patient’s hope. Hope is the fuel of the soul. Hope in even the small victories can make the difference between allowing your diagnosis to define your existence and learning to find joy, even in the darkest of times. Whether it is hope for a cure or just hope that tomorrow you will feel well enough to enjoy the day, that hope allows you to continue pressing forward. It allows you to continue to live life and not simply exist until you die.

Job is a good example of someone who suffered much loss and physical affliction, yet, in his despair, he still maintained his hope. “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him yet” (Job 13:15). There were moments in his suffering that Job complained, cried out in his anger, and despaired, but it was His hope that ultimately pulled him through the ordeal and he was abundantly blessed when the ordeal ended. He had every reason to give up and just exist until he died, but he had the hope for something better and the turn around eventually came for him.

Hope is a guiding principle in my therapy work as well. The first thing I try to impart to my clients is  there is always hope that things will get better. I have a client, whom I will call Carol. When Carol first came to me, she felt as if her life was a complete mess. Her marriage was in trouble. She hated her job. Her kids were having major issues. She felt such despair and anguish because she felt as if her life had no meaning or purpose. After she finished sharing with me, through tears, what brought her to my office, my response was, “I am so happy for you!” After she looked at me with puzzlement on her face, I explained that I was happy for her, because it will only get better from here. I provided her with the beacon of hope that she needed to motivate her to trust in, wait for, and expect that positive change was indeed coming.

Hope, to me, is the most essential component for healing, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Hope is a decision, a decision that you will not believe that the turmoil with which you may be presently dealing is a permanent state of being for you. It is a decision to remind yourself that every problem has a solution, even if it takes a while to find. It is a decision that you will not always feel as badly as you do right now. It is a decision to look for joy, even in the midst of pain. It is the decision to trust in, wait for, and expect that things will get better. Hope for minor victories and hope for huge triumphs. Hope that no matter what adversity you face, God will turn the situation for your benefit and you will become a better version of yourself. Make the decision, right now, to leave the door open for the power of hope. God bless!

Agree to Disagree!

Boy, this has been one ugly election season, has it not? Do not worry; I have no intention of talking about politics. I am simply bringing this up because a lot of craziness has occurred during the campaign season. Friends have turned against one another. Family members have been at odds. Fellow citizens feel as if they are each other’s enemies. We have all had moments of anger, frustration, fear, and maybe even some rage. Now that the election is behind us, I am hopeful that we can all settle down and return to some type of homeostasis.

One thing I have noticed is that people have been unable to disagree with civility. Take good old Facebook for example. I have had to “unfriend” some people, not because they disagreed with me, but because they started to attack me personally. I will tell you right now, I will never put up with that. I do not to it to others and I deserve the same courtesy. People have been so passionate about their views and when someone disagrees with them, they take it personally. Once that happens, the anger comes and all rationality flies out the window.

Personalization is a type of cognitive distortion that causes undue anger, resentment and hurt. We must learn to agree to disagree in order to maintain our relationships. If someone happens to disagree with you, try not to take it as a personal affront. The beautiful thing about all of us is that God made each and every one of us uniquely. Let us accept that not everyone will think the same in every situation. In Ecclesiastes 7:9, it says, “Don’t be quick to get angry, for only fools nurse anger.” If you take things personally every time some one does not agree with your point of view, you are going to walk around in constant anger. Anger is poison to your soul.

Here is another little piece of advice. This is a mantra I share often with my clients. You do not have to attend every argument to which you are invited! Do not allow yourself to get sucked into the vortex of quarrel and hostility. I have seen many people get into a full brawl that started over minor issues. I have felt my very blood boil when I have allowed myself to engage in what amounted to be stupid and petty arguments. Folks, life is too short for that stuff.  As it says in 2 Timothy 2:23-24, “but stay away from stupid and ignorant controversies-you know they lead to fights.” I for one do not want to spend my precious time on this earth with my loved ones fighting and being angry.

Sometimes we have people in our lives that constantly want to fight and/or who are always angry at something or someone. For whatever reason, they constantly find something about which to be angry and they lash out at whomever is closest. They try to bait you into an argument. The aforementioned mantra is great for people like this. Do not get sucked into their vortex. Decline that invitation to fight. The anger they carry probably has nothing to do with you, so do not own it for yourself.

Finally, I like to say that words like “right” or “wrong” should be thrown out entirely. There does not always have to be a right one or a wrong one. It is simply a difference in perspective. If you resist personalizing and actually try to understand the other's point of view, you may actually learn a thing or two. Stay that pride. Pride can lead you into an angry place. “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (Proverbs 13:10). So the moral of the story and the lesson to be learned is that we all must master the art of agreeing to disagree. Stop taking everything so personally and learn to try and understand another’s perspective. You do not have to agree with it, but that does not mean the other is wrong. How boring would life be if we all agreed with each other all the time? God bless!

It is NOT That Complicated!

Have you ever noticed that we as humans tend to over-complicate everything? People are struggling with understanding who they are and what their purpose is. So many feel empty, scared, angry and depressed because they do not believe their lives have any meaning. We toil and toil trying to build a life for ourselves and our families. We sometimes miss the mark and put our focus on the wrong things, which only robs us of experiencing the fullness of joy that God wants us to have. Why does this happen? Why do we do this?

It is my personal belief that we just think too darn much. The more we are in our heads, the less we are in the presence of our lives. In other words, when we are thinking about past events that are no longer relevant, or we are worrying about a future that has not come yet, then we are missing what is right in front of us. If we dwell too long in our minds, way too much can go awry. We can control our thought life, but it is way too easy to lose control of where we allow our minds to travel. Once the thoughts go in the wrong direction, our emotions immediately follow. Our depression, anxiety, anger, and fear all come from thoughts gone awry.

Listen people, God made it really easy for us. First in Leviticus, God told us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (19:18). In Matthew 22, when Yeshua (Jesus) was teaching, someone asked him, “Rabbi, which of the mitzvot [commands] in the Torah is the most important?” (22:36). Yeshua’s answer was two-fold and very simple. He said we are to first love Adonai with all of our soul and strength. He then said we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. He went on to say that these two mitzvot are basically the foundation of the Torah and the Prophets. In other words, the most important thing in life is to trust and serve God and show you are His by loving one another.

So, how can this be applied to our lives? Again, it is really very simple. With love comes peace, because the positivity that love brings overpowers the negative emotions we carry and allow to overwhelm us. With love comes contentment. We are no longer consumed by what other people have that we do not. We do not need to worry about good things happening to bad people, because we trust in Adonai and trust that He will serve the justice. That frees us to focus on our blessings. With love comes joy. Hate, anger, bitterness, and fear are all emotions that drain the life force from us and rob us of our happiness. They poison our very soul. With love comes acceptance. No matter who a person is or how they treat us, if we act with love we “heap fiery coals of shame” (Proverbs 25:22) on the heads of those who hurt us. Who knows whether your act f love can change that person for the better. Love allows us to feel compassion and empathy for people and that paves the way for open dialogue, greater understanding and the opportunity to resolve conflict.

I can really go on and on about how the simple act of loving one another is the solution for almost everything, but I think you get the gist by now. In today’s world, with so much division, anger and strife, it is clear to me that no world leader seems to have the solution. The solution lies with each of us. If you do not think you have a purpose in this life, please allow me to suggest one. Your purpose, my purpose, and everyone’s purpose is to love and allow yourself to be loved. The love that you share may be the very thing that saves a person. The kindness that you show may be the very thing that gives a person who is suffering hope. If we serve our fellow man in love, we are serving our Creator, because that is exactly what He has commanded us to do. You will never be wrong by showing love.

So I end this discussion with this challenge. I challenge you to commit to loving. Start simply. Say good morning to coworkers as you pass them in the hallway. Hold doors open for people. Be a good friend. Help the needy. Have some extra patience for that annoying friend that you try to avoid. Make an effort to stay in the present, let go of hate, anger, fear, and regret and trust that God allowed you to experience things in your life for a purpose. Allow those things to give you wisdom. I even go as far as to say rejoice in your sadness, because that pain will make you stronger. Lead by example and heap fiery coals of kindness on people’s heads. Basically, with love, be the change we want to see in the world and, one person at a time, we just may yet make this world a better place. It really can be that simple! God bless!

 

Humble Yourselves

I absolutely believe in staying humble. Only when we are humble can we learn and grow. Only when we are humble, can we receive what we need to receive.  Arrogance and ego tend to be stumbling blocks to growth. Pride can keep us from getting what we need to survive. Humility can be difficult because it goes hand in hand with vulnerability, which people tend to be afraid of and use defenses in order to avoid; however, to stay humble is an essential component to gaining wisdom.

The importance of staying humble is an age old principle. Just for the heck of it, I researched and found that, according to answers.com, the concept of humility is addressed at least 92 times throughout the Bible. God must think being humble is pretty important. In Proverbs 15:33 it says, “The discipline of wisdom is fear of Adonai, so before being honored, a person must be humble.” God does not honor someone who is too puffed up in his or her own self-importance. He wants a teachable servant and one that is willing to accept His instruction. Over and over, Adonai says that if His people would just humble themselves and turn to Him, He would remember their sins no more. That message is repeated throughout the Old and New Testament. Again, it must be pretty darn important!

Being too arrogant can not only hurt you, but it can hurt other people. I once worked with a very arrogant doctor. I had received many complaints from both patients and co-workers about his arrogance and haughty attitude. He had a way of making people feel as if they were just dirt under his shoe. He made me feel that way at times, but I could handle it. I never felt the need to confront him about it, because, let’s face it, to him I was just a bug to be squashed. When it came to my patients, however, that was another story. I had a breast cancer patient who was chronically homeless, but not homeless. In other words, she always found a place to land. When I first met her after she had been diagnosed, she was very resistant to getting treatment. She was very scared and she felt a bit intimidated at first, but after sitting with her, talking with her and showing her kindness and patience, she finally agreed to undergo treatment.

 One particular day, someone caught wind of the fact that she may have been homeless again. With that, the doctor went on a rant about how he would not treat her. All he cared about was his own liability and there was no compassion at all from him. I understood the risks of being treated while homeless, because your immune system becomes compromised, but she was an adult who understood the risks. So, I went right up to him, very close to his face, and I firmly said, “Look, it took a lot of time and patience to get this woman to trust us enough to agree to treatment, so if she shows up today, you are treating her!” I think that was the first time I saw a glimpse of humility in the man. I was not about to let his arrogance interfere with my patient’s treatment. I also knew that if he had refused to treat her that day, she never would have come back and I could not allow that to happen. It is my hope that he learned a lesson in humility that day.

I see people battling their pride almost on a daily basis. I see it in the patients at the cancer center and I see it in my practice. People have so many needs, from financial to emotional. Too many times, they allow themselves to suffer rather than simply humbling themselves to ask for help. I remember one particular patient whom I basically had to force to accept financial help after she almost refused treatment because she could not afford her copay costs. Not only did I find her copay assistance, but I was able to pay some of her utility bills. One day, she broke down crying, because she was so grateful for the help. She finally realized that pride very nearly took her life. Only in humbling herself was she able to receive the kindness, love and help she needed so that she could receive her treatment.

Arrogance is a trap that makes a person believe he or she has nothing more to learn. I have a news flash for you; we learn until we die. No one is too accomplished to learn something new. Whatever you think you know, God knows infinitely more. In I Samuel 2:3, it says, “Stop your proud boasting! Don’t let arrogance come from your mouth! For Adonai is a God of knowledge, and He appraises actions.” Take the aforementioned good doctor; as brilliant and accomplished as he was,  his arrogance and self-centered attitude would have been seen by God as wicked and foolish. For all of his degrees and status, he had earned himself a negative reputation, which made people respect him less. I may not be wealthy or of high status, but that is not what I value. I stay humble and I try to be a servant to people. At the end of my life, I want to know that people felt my love, kindness and compassion. If I die knowing that, I know I will die the wealthiest woman on the planet.

I would like to end this discussion with some encouragement. I know how hard it is to battle your pride and humble yourself. I know that, at times, we think we know everything there is to know, so we close our minds to the opportunity to learn and grow. Where does pride actually get you? Will pride pay your bills? Will pride bring you love? Will pride help you to learn a new skill or will it help you gain the wisdom that only experience and the willingness to learn can bring? No, no, no, and no! Only by staying humble can we gain all of the above. By putting our own ego aside, we open up our soul to so much, including love, wisdom, knowledge and human kindness. As C.S. Lewis said, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.” Today, I challenge you to humble yourselves. You will not lose anything, but you will gain so much! God bless.

Don't Wait Until It Is Too Late

I do not like to dwell in regret and I truly believe that, for the most part, regret serves no purpose. However, I admit that I do have a few. One of those regrets concerns my friend Jen. I have written about her before. Jen and I met when we were both counselors at a summer camp. Before we got to know each other, we both were secretly envious of the other. Jen was just one of those cool, fun people that you wanted as your friend. I did not think she would give me the time of day and, little did I know, she was thinking the same about me. Thankfully, we both broke through whatever assumptions we had and we became friends.

We grew very close and stayed friends all through college. She was even a bridesmaid in my wedding. Sadly, as time went on, we slowly lost touch with one another. I was wrapped up in marriage and working and she was doing her single girl thing. We caught up a few years after I got married. She was living in Hoboken, NJ and working in NY. It was great catching up with her and I was so happy for her because she was really doing fabulously, as I knew she would be, but, again, we lost touch. Then not too long ago, I was thinking about her and I decided to search for her on Facebook, but I could not find her. I then sent a message to her step sister, who was an old friend from junior high school, and I asked how Jen was doing. It was almost as if I was punched in the gut when she told me that Jen died from colon cancer back in 2005. She said that it was a horrible tragedy because up until the day she went into the ER with severe abdominal pain, she had no symptoms. Jen and her husband were so happy and were planning to start a family. Then she went to the ER and was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.  The disease moved rapidly and Jen lost her battle.

I regret that I waited so long to get back in touch with Jen. I missed out on several years of having an amazing friend. We lost touch, not because we had a falling out, but simply because life had taken us in different directions. Over the years, I had always thought about her and I wondered what she was doing. I smiled as I remembered the fun and hysterical times we shared together. I always thought, “I know we will eventually get back in touch. There is plenty of time.” Well, turns out, there was not. Oh how I wish I had reached out to her sooner, much sooner, but I was just too late.

Folks, I share this story with you because I want this to be a reminder that time is fleeting and it is a fickle friend. I thought I had all the time in the world to catch up with Jen. Jen thought she had all the time in the world to have a baby. We all think we have all the time in the world to do this or that. Let this be a lesson to all of us that we may not. It says in Psalm 90:12, “So teach us to count our days, so that we will become wise.” Complacency is a funny thing. We human beings are the only living things that are cognizant of our mortality, yet we walk about in a perpetual state of denial about it. I suppose we have to be in order to function, but the negative side of that is the complacency keeps us from embracing the important parts of life. Time is something we think we have plenty of, but as Jen reminds us, we do not necessarily have the amount we think we have. That alone should make us wise enough to realize that we should do the things we want to do before it is too late, like re-connect with old friends, mend rifts in relationships, and tell those whom we love how much we love them and what they mean to us.

As my mother always says, no one is promised tomorrow. Please do not take this message as something negative. My hope is that, if you have read this post in its entirety, then you will walk away with a renewed sense of purpose. Seize the day. Live life to its fullest. Love those whom you love with all your might. Let go of anger, resentment, and grudges. Embrace today and seek its joy with fervor.  I know that if Jen were still here, that is exactly what she would be doing. God bless!

Mantras + Scripture = Positivity

So, is anyone on Pinterest? I love that website. It is a great way to save websites that interest you. I have several boards that hold recipes, do it yourself ideas, positive sayings, spiritual encouragement, and the list goes on. I came across a pin that was entitled, “4 Daily Mantras For Avoiding Negativity” by Angie Sarhan (retrieved from sivanaeast.com). I am all about staying positive and I truly believe in the power of words, so I frequently encourage my clients and patients to use positive mantras to replace the negative thoughts that lead to depression and anxiety.

I do like the mantras Ms. Sarhan used; however, for me personally, I find that Scripture is more powerful than anything a person can produce. So I decided to use Ms. Sarhan’s mantras as a starting point and I decided to add to them scriptures with similar messages. Giving credit to Ms. Sarhan, I would like to build on what she wrote. The following are 4 mantras and complimentary Scriptures to help us avoid negativity:

1) From Sarhan: “My day brings me abundant happiness.”

    From Psalm 28:7: “Adonai is my strength and shield; in Him my heart trusted, and I have been

                                 Helped. Therefore, my heart is filled with joy, and I will sing praises to

                                Him.”

If we start our day with a positive frame of mind, we set the tone for the entire day and we also may influence others in a positive way. It is possible to be positive even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Although Sarhan’s words are positive and probably very helpful, sometimes words alone are not enough. Sometimes, we just cannot accomplish things in our own strength. As for me, the Lord is my strength when I am weak; I need Him. So, since the Lord inhabits the praises of His people (Psalm 22:3), I will praise Him in my distress and that always lifts me up.

2) From Sarhan: “I am protected in all ways.”

    From Deuteronomy 31:6: “Be strong, be bold, don’t be afraid or frightened of them,

                                                for  Adonai your God is going with you. He will neither fail you

           nor abandon you”

Sarhan speaks about warding off negativity by feeling as if you are protected. She visualizes herself in a bubble that shields her from other people’s negativity. This is a pleasant thought, but visualizing alone does not do the job. It is the Lord my God who protects me. He goes before me and fights my battles for me! If God is for me, who can be against me? That is all the protection I need. I walk in faith and I feel secure.

3) From Sarhan: “I bring joy to everyone I meet. I manifest positive encounters.”

    From Psalm 51:12-13: “Restore my joy in your salvation, and let a willing spirit uphold me.
                                                         Then I will teach the wicked your ways, and sinners will return to you.”

I firmly believe in leading by example and being the change you wish to see in the world around you. We absolutely affect each other as we all walk through this life. I am a very empathic person and I can physically feel when someone is hurting, either mentally or physically. I feel heaviness in my heart. When a person walks into a room, I can sense immediately whether that person is happy or sad, calm or anxious, and whether he or she has good intensions or is deceitful. That is a gift that God gave me and that is what makes me so good at what I do. I also know that I can affect other people in much the same way. Since I always want to be a willing vessel for my Creator, I always want to show Him through me, through my deeds, actions and words. His Spirit shining through me creates a safe zone for all of those in my presence. I strive to show the love that God has for all of us.

4) From Sarhan: “I end my day in peace and harmony. I release what does not serve my highest

                            good.”

    From Psalm 37:37: “Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and go after it!”

We all want peace in our lives. As Sarhan says, we need to decide to let go of the things that poison our souls. I can quote Scripture after Scripture that teaches us to forgive, release anger, love one another, and so on, but Psalm 37:37 is brief and to the point. It is a reminder that we must actively go after peace, especially when things around us get too chaotic. We have no control over the chaos sometimes and we may also feel that we have no control over our thoughts, but if we focus in on what God says, He gives us a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) and He leaves us with His peace through the Ruach HaKodesh (the Holy Spirit), which is not of this world (John 14:27).

I would like to thank Angie Sarhan for her positivity and for sharing her gentle spirit. I just believe in my soul that in addition to the sentiments of human beings, we need the confirmation of God’s word so that we know we are walking down the right path. If things do not line up with what God says, I feel it in my spirit and it just does not sit right with me. I always say, in the center of God’s will is where I want to be. If I stay there, I know I will be happy, I will be protected, I will show His love through me, and I will have abundant peace. I wish all who are reading this happiness, protection, positivity and abundant peace. God bless!