Step into my office...

If you are currently in therapy, have ever been in therapy, or you are thinking about going to therapy, you have probably wondered what goes on in the mind of the therapist. I thought I would de-mystify this for you and let you in on some things. We therapists are human. We come with our own experiences, personalities and, yes, even baggage.

Now, optimally, we should have our baggage well managed before we see our first client. It was drilled into me in graduate school that before we even think of starting a practice, every therapist should go through therapy himself or herself, because it is inevitable that there is probably something that needs to be dealt with intrapersonally. If someone does not get a handle on his or her issues, then he or she is in danger of what Sigmund Freud referred to as countertransference. In a nutshell, this simply means that the therapist transfers unresolved emotions onto his or her client. For example, a therapist may have been abused by her father and then has a male client who reminds her of her father. If she has not dealt with her hurt and/or anger towards her father, she may transfer negative emotions to her client and damage the therapeutic relationship.

I am confident in saying that I have done a lot of introspective work on myself and, yes, I have been through therapy. When I started my practice, I resolved to be the type of therapist that I would want and given the feedback I receive from clients, I seem to be succeeding in that goal, but I digress. I am very self aware and when a client evokes unpleasant emotions within me, I process those emotions and try to identify their origin. Sometimes it stems from emotional baggage of mine, but not always. In the book The Gift of Therapy, by Irvin Yalom, he teaches that we as therapists need to pay attention to our own emotions evoked by our clients, because they provide us a lot of information about the client. For example, I had a client who made me feel so frustrated. Each session, he brought the same issues and we would develop a plan of action with specific attainable goals that he would agree to accomplish. However, time and time again, he failed to follow through and the cycle would repeat. I realized that he probably makes the people in his life feel the way I was feeling and that helped me to help him understand why his family often would avoid him.

So the preceding was a glimpse into what therapists deal with professionally, now I would like to share the more personal side of being a therapist. Remember, I said we are human? Here is my humanness for you to see. Even though I have had my practice for a few years now, I still get a little bit of butterflies in my stomach when I meet a new client. Questions run through my mind like, “will he trust me?” or “can I help her?” Then I do my usual self-talk and the rest is usually pretty smooth.

Here is another tid bit about me. My super power is being an empath. Basically, not only does it come easily for me to identify what a person is feeling, I sometimes actually feel what the client is feeling. I can either sense an energy emanating from the person, or I actually feel a strong wave of the emotion myself. In my personal life, I always quote the line from the movie Steel Magnolias when Truvy says, “No one cries alone in my presence.” If someone cries in front of me, I almost always tear up myself. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me not to cry with my clients when they cry. Most of the time I can control it, but, truth be told, I have let tears slip a few times. The job of a therapist, among other things, is to be a container for our clients’ pain. We must sit with them in their distress and provide a safe place for them to do so. The downside to being that container for me is that sometimes, even after the session ends, I am still filled with the pain my client shared with me and I need to find a healthy way to empty it. Many an evening, I have cried in the car on the way home to release the emotions and then I was fine. You would think this would eventually wear me down, but, surprisingly, it does not. I feel blessed to have been a part of someone’s healing.

I have colleagues with whom I process these various issues and I belong to several therapists groups, so we help each other and support each other. Each client teaches us and helps us to grow as therapists and as human beings. I would love to share a quote from one of my colleagues who helped me process some sadness I was feeling over a client’s situation. His name is Daniel and this is what he said, “This kind of growth for us as clinicians is always available, and is also one of the rewards of being in the room and doing what we do. And so we can breathe, reflect, and remember who we are with gratitude for the opportunity.” I could not have said it any better. In my heart and soul, I believe that God leads us to where we are supposed to be and He equips us for the purpose He has for us. I am both humbled and honored that He has led me to the work I do, I am grateful that He has equipped me well, and I am blessed beyond measure to be doing what I do. So, now you know what goes on in my office. God bless.

What is Your Giving Motivation?

I have noticed that the people who are the most kind-hearted and giving are also among the most unhappy people. No, it is not because good people have to suffer. Being a good and giving person is not a bad thing at all. It is a wonderful thing. For example, my sister, Beth, is a very giving and generous person. She often donates to charities anonymously. For her, the joy is in the actual giving and not the accolades she would get as a result. She does not suffer by giving. She gives freely and within her means. The problem comes when one transitions from giving from one's own free will into becoming a doormat or a martyr. Giving of yourself, whether emotionally or financially, is not in and of itself problematic. The motivation for the giving may be the issue. If you are giving for the wrong reasons, the result may be painful, especially if you do not receive as much, or anything, in return.

So, what, you may ask, are the wrong types of motivation that lead to unhappiness?  I will address a few. This is by no means exhaustive, but merely examples of what I see most frequently.

1. You give of yourself because you want to please someone else.

The surest way to be unhappy is by trying to please all of the people all of the time! When you give of yourself because you think that is the only way to make someone else happy, a lot can go wrong. Some people are just very difficult to please. If you are constantly the one compromising, bending over backward or sacrificing, trying to make the other person happy, and you are met with very little reciprocated effort in return, then resentment can begin to build within you. You begin to carry around those feelings of resentment and probably will suppress them because you cannot allow yourself to be angry at the other. After all, you just want the person to be happy and you do not want to hurt their feelings in any way. So, you somehow find a way to blame yourself and direct that anger inward. Anger turned inward becomes depression.

2. You give of yourself out of a sense of obligation.

In past blog posts, and in my practice, I frequently speak about faulty thinking and the various types of thinking errors people often use. One of those types of thinking errors is called "shoulds" thinking. Acting because you believe you SHOULD do something can cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety, depression and/or anger. People who give of themselves because they think they have to do so usually end up with the martyr syndrome. Martyrs may think they are behaving in an altruistic fashion, and they may be, for the most part; however, the sense of obligation eclipses any feelings of joy or satisfaction and causes a feeling of enormous burden. These types of people walk around miserable and often adopt a victim mentality or a "woe is me" mentality. In either case, they are not very pleasant to be around. They seem to carry around a dark cloud and it can be very palpable to others. Just remember, "shoulds" thinking is distorted think. There are no shoulds; only choices.

3. You give of yourself because you worry what people are thinking about you.

Worrying about what others think of you from time to time is to be expected. It is human nature. However, when this becomes a constant and persistent thought in your mind, that can cause nothing but trouble. People who inordinately worry about what others think of them often employ another type of thinking error called "mind reading". They are constantly acting based on the responses or perceived perceptions of others. Those are the types who give of themselves for the sole purpose of not wanting to appear selfish. No one wants to be accused of being selfish because that has a negative connotation. Being selfish is bad and makes people think you are a bad person, right? That would be such a horrible thing if someone were to think you are a bad or selfish person, right? It took me a long time to realize that it really does not matter what other people think of me. It only matters to me what God thinks of me. He is the only one I care to please. If you live your life based on what you think others are thinking about you, you will never feel content with who you are. You will never derive any joy out of giving because your perception is most likely inaccurate anyway. Be who you are and those who matter will accept you for who you are, not who you are pretending to be.

4. You give expecting some sort of validation in return.

Giving is a beautiful thing and it gives people a sense of purpose. It is also nice to be recognized for the good things we do in life. That also is human nature. However, if your sole motivation for giving of yourself is to receive some sort of validation or recognition from others, you are really setting yourself up for disappointment. If your sense of self-worth is derived externally, you may never feel worthy. Here is a difficult lesson to learn. People may disappoint you. Others may never see the good you do because they cannot see past themselves. If you personalize someone else's failure to recognize what you do for him or her, you will never feel good about yourself. Again, my validation comes from my knowledge that no matter what I do, no matter how much I fail Him, God loves me with an everlasting love. His patience for me is endless and His mercy is new every day. Do not look for the validation of humans. You may receive it sometimes, and that is nice, but you also may not and your self-worth cannot depend on it.

So now let us tie this all together. In order to be a joyful giver, your motivation has to be in the right order and your focus in the right place. If you give of yourself, how another receives it is irrelevant. Do not give out of a sense of obligation. No one likes a martyr. Do not allow yourself to become a doormat by giving from the wrong place in your heart. Do not focus on what others think of you. Giving is not about making people think one way or another about you. Finally, if you give, go into it not expecting anything in return. Focus on how giving of yourself freely makes you feel content and joyful. Focus on what God thinks about it and how it will please Him. Basically, ego needs to be removed from the act of giving of yourself. If there is too much ego involved, your motivation is coming from the wrong source and the end result will most likely not be what you wanted. If you consider yourself to be a giving person but you are unhappy, right here, right now, I challenge you to ask yourself what your giving motivation is. It is better to not give at all than to have the wrong giving motivation. God wants a cheerful giver! God bless!

Can You Live with "Why"?

Do we always have to have the answer to "why"? I think it is human nature to want to have the answer to every question. We have this tremendous need for closure. Uncertainty seems to drive most people crazy, yes, including me! However, the reality is, sometimes, we will just not know the answer. The question I pose to you right now is this. Can you live with an unanswered “why”?

I think that a lot of people would find peace if they were able to learn to live with uncertainty. Sometimes, there really is no definitive answer. For example, in the world of oncology, there are so many unknowns. The patients I work with often want an answer to why they got cancer. Some cancers have an obvious cause. If you are a heavy smoker and you develop lung cancer, there is no mystery as to how it happened. However, I have had many patients, who were basically healthy most of their lives, had little to no family history of cancer, yet they had cancer. The inevitable question in situations like this is always “why did this happen to me?” They wonder if they did something to cause their disease or they wonder if the area in which they live was somehow a contributing factor. The hardest thing for them is to just accept that the answer may never be found. They must learn to shift their focus on to the business of dealing with their diagnosis and find peace within the turmoil of such a diagnosis. I have found that the ones who are able to come to an acceptance are the ones who emotionally and mentally seem to do better during their treatment journeys.

So, you may ask how one makes the transition from being the “why me” person to becoming the “it is what it is” person. There is no one size fits all answer for everyone, so I will share what has worked for me. First of all, my faith has been the anchor that has kept me from going adrift in the waves of uncertainty. I always go to Proverbs 3:5, where it says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Let that sink in for a second. We do not always have all the answers and if our peace depended on knowing everything, then we would simply never be at peace. My trust in the Lord allows me to know that even if I do not understand why something is happening, I know that He does and I also know that, no matter what, He will work the situation out so that it benefits me in some way, even if the process is painful.

Another important thing I have learned is that I can sit in my distress because it will not kill me and it will eventually pass. Whether or not I know the answer to why something bad is happening becomes inconsequential. I know that I will get through it, so the need to know why fades in importance. Patience becomes more important than the answer to the “why” question. Granted, I am still a work in progress where patience is concerned, but I never said I was perfect!  Stop being so afraid of distress. You will emerge on the other side of it. The frantic search for the answer to “why” will only cause you more distress, especially if there is no answer to “why”.

This is what  I hope and pray for those of you who are reading this and for those who can relate to the need to always have the answers to the unanswered questions. . I hope that you can learn to come to an acceptance that you may not ever know the answer. I hope that you have a trust in God, or a higher power, and know that whatever the situation, you have been equipped to withstand it. The situation, with all of its uncertainty, will somehow work itself through and will work to develop you as a person. Once you can trust and let go of the need to have all the answers, you will find a peace that you never knew was possible. This incessant need to know why only causes fear, anxiety and stress, because the why is not the end goal. Sometimes, the answer does not bring the peace you are expecting it would. The peace comes from the letting go, and the wisdom comes from learning through the process. Now, I ask you again, can you live with “why”? Today, I challenge you to try. God bless!

Imagine

I had a dream the other night that I felt compelled to share. It was a very impactful dream. I was walking and I came to a crowd of people. I cannot tell you where this was or who these people were, just that it was a large and diverse crowd of people. I started to sing John Lennon’s “Imagine”. Sort of like one of those flash mobs, people started joining in with me. Pretty soon, we were all holding hands and singing together.

When I woke from the dream, I felt both a sense of love and peace, but I also felt a sense of deep sadness. The sadness came from the fact that our country, our world, is very far from that dream of unity and the “brotherhood of man” that Lennon sang about. It seems we are all so divided, perhaps as much or more than any other time in history. We are divided by race, religion, gender, political affiliation, and I find myself wondering why. I find myself asking why it seems that hate and anger are eclipsing love and friendship. Is not love supposed to triumph over hate? Is not good supposed to triumph over evil? What are we to do about this?

I have written about the importance of loving one another before, but it is a subject worthy of repeating. I will not pretend that I have the solution to world peace. I will not pretend that I am always a ray of sunshine, every moment of every day, but I will say this. We all have a responsibility to do our part to make sure love wins over hate, that friendship wins over anger, and  that understanding and empathy win over discord and division. We must rise above our human differences to find a place of common ground on which we can build a “brotherhood of man.”

I would venture to guess that underneath all of the opinions, political debates, prejudices, and misunderstandings are myriad commonalities. I learned a long time ago that even though people may have different experiences, emotions are universal. When I was in graduate school, I did an internship in a drug and alcohol day treatment program. I was having the most difficult time getting the clients to trust me and open up to me, because I had never been an addict. One particular day, one of the clients started yelling at me, saying I could not possibly understand the pain he was in because I have never been a drug addict. As he railed on about his despair, I realized that I may not understand what it is like to be a drug addict, but I did understand despair. When he finally stopped yelling at me, I said, “You are right, I can’t really understand, but help me to understand what it was like for you. I know what despair feels like, but help me understand what it feels like for you.” In that moment, whether or not I had ever been a drug addict no longer mattered to him. I allowed him to sit with his despair in the safety of my empathy and I listened to him without judgement. In that moment, we made a human connection of kindness.

We are all different. We all have had different experiences that shape who we are. We may disagree with one another, on many issues, but we share one very important thing. We are all sharing the human experience. No matter where we come from, we are all human beings. In our experiences, we have all had pain, fear, despair, some more than others, but the universal emotions are things we can all speak to, at one level or another. We all do not have to agree. There are aspects of each of our lives that others may never really understand fully, but we can listen. We can empathize with the emotions of others. We can extend kindness to connect each other. We can share love to heal wounds.  As John Lennon said, “Imagine all the people living life in peace. You...you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us and the world will be as one.” Can you imagine that? God bless!

Be Still

I am always struck whenever I notice themes that emerge in my practice. It happens quite frequently. Another theme that has recently emerged in my practice involves people feeling overwhelmed. They are overwhelmed by work stress. They are overwhelmed with financial burdens. They are overwhelmed with family life. They are overwhelmed by life itself. Many are finding it difficult to quiet their minds and find down time to just relax. This is an all too common problem for adults.

Obviously, we cannot rid ourselves of the stresses and responsibilities that come with being a responsible adult. We do not have control over everything that life throws us. Rather than fighting against this reality and running like a hamster on a wheel, getting nowhere fast, we need to learn how to grab moments within the craziness of our lives and give ourselves time to just be. As it says in Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” God has always known the importance of resting. We know that he made the Earth in 6 days and on the 7^th day, He rested. He gave us Shabbat (the Sabbath) not just to worship Him, but also to give us rest. In Psalm 127:2, we are reminded that all of our scrambling around in life is really pointless, because He always provides, “In vain do you get up early and put off going to bed, working hard to earn a living; for He provides for His beloved.”

I have a client, whom I will call Sharon. Sharon has a very stressful job and she shared that she is having a very difficult time disconnecting from work when she is done the work day. She said that her mind is constantly going over all of the various tasks she has to do the following day. When she takes time off, she cannot enjoy it, because she finds herself preoccupied with the thoughts about all the piled up work that will be awaiting her upon her return. She admitted that it is starting to interfere with her ability to be present with her loved ones. She is there bodily, but her mind is that hamster on the wheel. We are working on Sharon developing coping strategies that allow her to release her work stress and leave work at work, so she can be emotionally available to her loved ones.

If I impart nothing else to anyone, I hope this message gets through to those reading this. Work is just a means to an end. What really matters are those whom you love. There will always be work waiting for you. That is a given. Thinking about it and thinking about it will not change that fact. Stop, be still, and be present in your life, because it goes too quickly. Remember, our Creator is our strength and He gives us what we need to complete our purpose. It says in Proverbs 19:23, “The fear of Adonai leads to life; one who has it is satisfied and rests untouched by evil.” If you trust that you have what you need to succeed, then you need not fear all the things that life throws at you, because He has equipped you. It is not worth giving up the precious time with those whom we love and it is not healthy to give up the rest for the mind, body and soul we so desperately need, so get out of your head! Remember, at the end of our lives, we will not say, “I wish I had spent more time at work.” I will add that we will also not say, “I should have worried more.” I hope this was a reminder for everyone reading this to be still, be present in your life and take the gift of rest bestowed on us by God. Get off the hamster wheel and be blessed!

Judge Not?

We have all heard the verse “Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged.” (Matthew 7:1). This verse is often used as an argument to support the notion that we are not supposed to judge others. Being called judgmental is most likely an insult. If we formulate an opinion about something or someone’s behavior, we are often thought of as a hypocrite. Let’s face it; most of us have done things in our past that we are not proud of, but, hopefully, we have learned from those mistakes. When we learn from our experiences, we gain a new wisdom and understanding. Therefore, I pose this question; doesn’t this new wisdom and understanding help us to discern things from a more educated perspective? Does this not allow us to judge in a fair and impartial manner? Are we really not supposed to judge?

My answer to that question is this. We can and should judge. The judgment is not the issue. The issue is the attitude from which one is judging. If we have not learned from our own mistakes, we have no right to judge other people’s bad behavior. That becomes the type of hypocritical judgment that is frowned upon in scripture. Paul teaches about this in Romans 2:1, “Therefore you have no excuse, whoever you are, passing judgment; for when you judge someone else, you are passing judgment against yourself; since you who are judging do the same things he does.” If we have not taken the time to do some self-reflection and if we have not dealt with the problems that exist in our own lives, we are not able to see things very clearly. We have no wisdom with which to judge and, most likely, if we are passing judgment on someone else under these circumstances, we are not coming from a place of knowledge, love, or concern. This type of judgment only serves to either tear someone down, or it serves as a futile attempt to build ourselves up, either consciously or unconsciously.

Judgment is valid only when we can speak from a place of humility and wisdom. When we have dealt with our own issues, learned from our mistakes and amended bad or destructive behavior, can we offer a judgment that is substantive. Only when we have repented of our own sins, can we truly offer a judgment that is productive. That is what Yeshua (Jesus) meant when he said, “First, take the log out of your own eye; then you will see clearly so that you can remove the splinter from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

A judgment that is honorable is meant for edification and gentle correction. Judgment based on that which is righteous is worthy to be expressed. A judgment that is formulated from the wisdom one has gained through real introspection and repentance of mistakes is not hypocritical. Paul says in Galatians 6:1, “Brothers, suppose someone is caught doing something wrong. You who have the Spirit should set him right, but in a spirit of humility, keeping an eye on yourselves so that you won’t be tempted too.” In other words, as long as you are coming from a constructive place of humility, not only can you judge, but it is your duty to judge. For example, if you are a recovering alcoholic who lost his license because you were drunk driving, isn’t it your obligation to judge your 18-year-old son if you catch him coming home drunk after he had been driving? If you have learned from your own mistakes, you absolutely have the authority and obligation to judge your child. You are not a hypocrite unless you are still engaging in the behavior yourself and you think it is ok for you to do, but not ok for your son. Wrong is wrong and we are allowed to judge what is wrong.

To recap; judging is not the problem. We are constantly judging. We judge what food we eat, based on whether or not we care to be healthy. We judge whom we allow into our lives as friends and confidants. We judge the activities in which we participate, based on our interests. We judge which causes we champion, based on our morals, values, and beliefs. We also judge others, either by their character or behavior, because we need to know with whom we are interacting. A judgment that comes from arrogance is not righteous. A judgment that is meant to make another feel inferior is malicious. A judgment that is meant to build oneself up at the expense of another is weak. A judgment that is based on ignorance is ineffective. However, righteous judgment comes from a place of humble wisdom. This is discernment. A judgment that comes from a heart of concern is speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). A judgment that edifies and builds others up is noble. Do not be afraid to judge. Let’s put it this way, if you are taking the time to think about whether you should be judging, then you are probably coming from good intentions. Someone who has never repented or who has never done any meaningful introspection is usually the type to judge from a place of malice rather than love. If someone accuses you of being judgmental, do not get upset. Take a pause, examine where your heart is, and if it is in the right place, do not hesitate to judge. It may be your duty to do so. God bless!

The Power of Hope

“’For I know what plans I have in mind for you,’ says Adonai, ‘plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future.’” That verse is Jeremiah 29:11, which is one of my favorite scriptures. It always reminds me of the power that hope brings into our lives. Hope is trusting in, waiting for, and expecting good things and positive change to happen. Hope is the driving force that allows us to weather the darkest storms in our lives. In the midst of that darkness, when all seems bleak, we can hold on to hope and that hope is like a life preserver in a tumultuous sea of anguish.

I have seen the power of hope, both in my personal life and my professional life. I have personally experienced some pretty distressing times in my life. There were times when I could not find hope. However, God faithfully showed Himself in those situations and they inevitably turned for the better, even if I did not see it right away. I have learned that life is about moments; some will be good, some will be mundane, and some will be bad. When things are good, I have learned to stay in the moment and savor every second. When things are mundane, I try to keep my eyes fixed on what matters in life and I look for the beauty in each day. When things are bad, I have learned to leave the door open for hope and that helps me remember that the bad moment will eventually pass, even if it takes a while.

In the oncology world, we treating professionals live by the principle that we shall never take away a patient’s hope. Hope is the fuel of the soul. Hope in even the small victories can make the difference between allowing your diagnosis to define your existence and learning to find joy, even in the darkest of times. Whether it is hope for a cure or just hope that tomorrow you will feel well enough to enjoy the day, that hope allows you to continue pressing forward. It allows you to continue to live life and not simply exist until you die.

Job is a good example of someone who suffered much loss and physical affliction, yet, in his despair, he still maintained his hope. “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him yet” (Job 13:15). There were moments in his suffering that Job complained, cried out in his anger, and despaired, but it was His hope that ultimately pulled him through the ordeal and he was abundantly blessed when the ordeal ended. He had every reason to give up and just exist until he died, but he had the hope for something better and the turn around eventually came for him.

Hope is a guiding principle in my therapy work as well. The first thing I try to impart to my clients is  there is always hope that things will get better. I have a client, whom I will call Carol. When Carol first came to me, she felt as if her life was a complete mess. Her marriage was in trouble. She hated her job. Her kids were having major issues. She felt such despair and anguish because she felt as if her life had no meaning or purpose. After she finished sharing with me, through tears, what brought her to my office, my response was, “I am so happy for you!” After she looked at me with puzzlement on her face, I explained that I was happy for her, because it will only get better from here. I provided her with the beacon of hope that she needed to motivate her to trust in, wait for, and expect that positive change was indeed coming.

Hope, to me, is the most essential component for healing, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Hope is a decision, a decision that you will not believe that the turmoil with which you may be presently dealing is a permanent state of being for you. It is a decision to remind yourself that every problem has a solution, even if it takes a while to find. It is a decision that you will not always feel as badly as you do right now. It is a decision to look for joy, even in the midst of pain. It is the decision to trust in, wait for, and expect that things will get better. Hope for minor victories and hope for huge triumphs. Hope that no matter what adversity you face, God will turn the situation for your benefit and you will become a better version of yourself. Make the decision, right now, to leave the door open for the power of hope. God bless!