Trust the Transition

 I haven't written a blog post in quite a while. I think that is because I haven't felt very inspired. I have been blocked. I feel as if I had been stagnating. Life had become so repetitive, just like the movie "Groundhog's Day." I wasn't accomplishing the goals I had set for myself. In a word, I've been stuck. God knew I would not have made a move on my own, so I believe He allowed circumstances to unfold the way they have to free me from the prison of my own making. So now I have been freed and I am scared to death. I have no choice now but to trust that the Lord will turn these circumstances for good and I need to trust that He has another purpose for my life.

A dear friend sent me a meme that gave the message that I must trust the transition. It was exactly what I needed. I am filled with anxiety and fear, but I know those emotions are not from the Lord. I have to trust that He knows the beginning to the end and knew me before I was. He tells me over and over in His Word to trust Him, that He is with me, and that He will go into battle with me and fight on my behalf. 

I feel compelled to share some of the Scriptures to which I am currently clinging like a life raft. In Jeremiah 29:11, the Lord says: "For I know what plans I have in mind for you, plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you ca have hope and a future." This is a reminder that we need to trust that the Lord has a plan and a purpose for our lives. Another Scripture that has always served as a reminder that I don't always know everything and that I need to humble myself is Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him; then He will guide your paths." The following Scripture has always given me encouragement when I have felt afraid or defeated. It is a reminder that God doesn't want us to feel those things because He is always with us. In Joshua 1:9 He says: "Haven't I ordered you, 'Be strong, be bold?' So don't be afraid or downhearted, because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

I could go on and on quoting Scriptures that give me encouragement and comfort. God's love for us is so evident in Scripture that even through turmoil, I cannot help but feel abundantly grateful for His unfailing love. As a new chapter in my life has yet to unfold, I wanted to share all of this and allow myself to be vulnerable so I can hopefully be of some comfort and encouragement to anyone reading this who may be dealing with fear, anxiety, or sadness. We are all human. We all go through times of trial. Uncertainty is very anxiety-provoking. I am not immune. That said, I know the Lord and I know that whatever the reason for this season of trial in my life, he has a plan and a purpose for it and He will absolutely use it for my betterment because I love Him and He loves me. So please know that God wastes nothing. Trust in Him and trust that he has a plan and purpose for your life too. Trust the transition. It's all part of the process. God bless.

Just be

 As a trained psychotherapist, my job is to help my clients develop the tools within themselves to process their emotions in a healthier and productive way so they can live their best lives. I recently entered a role as a volunteer in which I must put aside my therapist hat and put on a different type of hat. I have volunteered to be a part of a team that supports medical providers when they experience traumatic events. It's called "psychological first aid." Our job in this role is not to provide therapy or even "fix" the problem. Our job is to just be with the providers in their distress, listen to them, validate their feelings, and then refer them for further services if needed. 

This will be a challenge for me given my background and training, but a worthy challenge nonetheless. This is a position in which we are to just lend ourselves to just be with the provider in need. This got me thinking about what the Apostle Paul said in Romans 12:15: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." This is a simple yet poignant statement. As those who just want to help, sometimes the best thing we can do is just be with a person who is having difficult emotions. 

Even in my capacity as a psychotherapist, sometimes my best work has been during times in which I was just being with my client as he or she wept. I was a container for the pain my client was experiencing. Sometimes, that is all a person needs, to know that he or she is not alone in his or her pain. 

I decided to share this with my readers for a very simple reason. I wanted you all to know that you do not have to be a trained psychotherapist to help others. I know a few of my followers personally and I know them to be very kind and caring people. They are always ready to lend a helping hand to those in need. I want them and anyone else reading this who has a heart for others to know that God put you on this earth just for that purpose, to "rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." That is precisely why He equipped you with a kind heart and soul. 

There really is no mystery as to what our purpose in this life is meant to be. We are to just be with those who need us. No matter what your station in life, no matter how discouraged you may feel because you think you cannot find your purpose, just know that today, right now, you can make your purpose in this life to be a helper to those in need by just being with them. That's it; just be. You have no idea how important that is! God bless!

What has you in bondage?

Tonight at sundown marks the first night of Passover, which commemorates the Lord freeing the people of Israel from the bondage of slavery. The celebration of Passover has layers of meaning. It always makes me reflect upon the things that may have me in proverbial bondage. We become slaves to various things in our lives. We are slaves to stress. We are slaves to time. We are slaves to things in general. We work and toil to collect things and, in the end, those things become meaningless. You know the old saying, "you can't take it with you when you die."

Now is a particularly poignant time for the arrival of Passover, as we all seem to be in bondage to COVID 19. This is one situation in which we all find ourselves and beyond taking the necessary precautions, like staying home when possible, social distancing, washing your hands, etc., we really do not have a whole lot of control over this pandemic. The uncertainty of that and the vulnerability we feel as a result is extremely anxiety-provoking. I am seeing so much anxiety, from my clients, my coworkers, my friends, and my family. I will say this, if it wasn't for my faith, I would probably be scared out of my mind! So allow me to help you reframe the situation so it doesn't seem so grim.

You may be asking what this has to do with Passover; please indulge me. The coinciding with Passover and the COVID 19 pandemic is amazing to me. In the first place, I believe the Lord wants us to use Passover as a time to reflect upon the "hametz" (leaven) in our lives. We are to eat only unleavened bread to remember our ancestors who didn't have time to bake leavened bread because they had to leave Egypt in a hurry, but the Lord had a deeper meaning for hametz. Hametz became a representation of sin. The people of Israel had a very difficult time clearing out their sin, which is why they ended up wandering in the desert for 40 years. Even though they saw the Lord perform tremendous miracles on their behalf, they kept returning to their stiff-necked ways. As it says in Proverbs 26:11: "Just as a dog returns to his vomit, a fool repeats his folly." I don't think much has changed in humanity since then. So, not only are we to clear out the physical hametz in our house, we need to clear out the emotional and spiritual hametz as well.

What better time to reflect than being stuck at home because of a pandemic to reflect upon the things which have you in bondage? Please don't get me wrong; I am not making light of this pandemic. I am simply trying to turn the situation for the betterment of my life and those of whom I love. I believe that is always what God wants for us. I saw a meme recently that said, and I paraphrase: "Ok, I took away the stress of your job. You can't go to the movies, restaurants, bars, parties. You are basically stuck at home. Now, can we talk?-God" I can't help but think there is truth in this.

Rather than focusing your emotional energy on the things over which you have no control, I challenge you to focus inward during this time. Whether you celebrate Passover or not, take this time to look at your life and the things that have you in bondage. What are the things in your life that have taken you away from time with your Creator or a higher power? What has distracted you from spending time with your loved ones? What has you stuck in your head lamenting about the past?

Instead of feeling guilty or beating yourself up, just resolve to make a change. Talk to God, or meditate. Forgive yourself and others. Free yourself from your hametz, whether that is anger, shame, stress, greed, or any other trivial pursuit that has taken you away from the things that are most important in this life. Use this time to free your self from the bondage of your own making and become a better version of yourself. Become the person God wants you to be, or at least start that journey. This pandemic will eventually pass. God is in control. Let yourself be delivered and stop wandering in the desert. The promised land is waiting! God bless!

Control: The Great Human Illusion

It is human nature to want to feel as if we are in control of everything in our lives. We want to feel in control of our finances, our safety, our successes, our health, and the list goes on. There may be nothing scarier than the vulnerability of feeling as if that sense of control is slipping away. So many spend every waking moment striving to hold on to that control. Some become completely ruled by the need to control their environments. Under the relentless pursuit of being in control lingers deep-seated fear. The very thing they think will make their lives more tolerable is the very thing that is destroying any feelings of joy and happiness.

I have some scary questions to pose. What if we never really had the control we thought we did? What if we are walking around as these vulnerable creatures who are deluding ourselves into believing we can control everything that happens to us or the people we love? What if we actually have control over very little in our lives? Here is another question; what if accepting that we have such little control actually frees us and lightens our burdens? See what I did there? I switched it on you!

Folks here is the truth. Control is a mere illusion. Don’t get me wrong, of course, there are some things within our control. We can control our behaviors. We can control what we eat. We can control when we go to bed, what we watch on TV, whom we allow to be our friends, etc. The things over which we have little control are the big picture things. Working in the oncology field has really taught me this lesson. I will never forget a patient I met a few years ago. She had just been diagnosed with pretty serious breast cancer and chemotherapy was recommended. She carried on about how she is a vegan and only eats organic foods. She refused to allow “that poison” (chemotherapy) into her body. The doctor went back and forth with her, trying to educate her about treatment guidelines and how the chemotherapy was proven to be effective in clinical trials. After several minutes of this, I interjected. I looked her straight in the eye and praised her for her excellent health habits. Then I said, “So you have gone to great lengths to control everything that has gone into your body. You did all the right things, but you still got cancer.” Her response was a few seconds of silence and then she quietly said, “You’re right.”

You see, her belief that she had control over her health by meticulously controlling what foods went into her body was all an illusion. I am sure that her lifestyle made her feel good and she was probably in generally good health, but there were factors beyond her control that led to her getting breast cancer. When she finally relented, it was because she finally accepted that reality. Once she came to that acceptance and let go of her illusion of control, it freed her to trust in her doctors and participate in her own treatment plan. The burden of believing that she had complete control over the functioning of her body was lifted.

That was but one example of how we are fooling ourselves into thinking absolute control is achievable. When we spend our lives constantly micromanaging and planning every detail, we are the ones who become controlled by our own faulty thinking. Some people fall into the trap of magical thinking. For example, the rituals of one who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are meant to give them a sense of control over their environment. However, what ends up happening is the rituals become all-encompassing and completely inhibit the person from living a normal life. The very thing this person believes will alleviate his or her anxiety is actually the main cause of his or her distress. The ultimate goal for a person like this is for him or her to come to an acceptance that he or she does not really have the control he or she thinks he or she has and then learn to cope with the feelings of vulnerability that brings. What people eventually realize is that while that vulnerability is uncomfortable and even scary at times, that distress pales in comparison to the distress they caused themselves while pursuing the unattainable illusion of control.

I am not suggesting that everyone who wants to be in control has OCD; that was simply an illustration of how the desire to control causes us distress. What I am saying is this. It is ok to acknowledge that there are some things over which we have no control because the acceptance of that truth is very freeing. Rather than spending all of your mental energy chasing the control that you never really had in the first place, you can direct that energy into living your life to the fullest. Instead of seeking control, seek joy. Instead of using rituals to give yourself a sense of security, try praying and asking God to take your burden. There were so many events in my life that showed me how letting go of the things over which I had no control and placing them into God’s hands gave me a peace that allowed me to press forward. If this topic resonated with you, I pose this challenge. Let go of your illusion of control. Realize that there are limits to what you can control. Accept this truth and realize that a good outcome doesn’t solely rest upon your shoulders alone. Free yourself and find peace. Don’t fall victim to the great human illusion. Trust and live your life. God bless!

Aging with grace?

I am working through my midlife crisis, so please bear with me. I am 47. The good news is that, on the outside, I am doing pretty well. Not to brag, but I am often told that I appear much younger than my age. People are genuinely surprised that I have 21-year-old twins and, no, I did not have them in my teens. I am pretty physically fit and all of my organs are functioning in tip-top condition. That’s all good. Now the bad news. I have a very bad neck and when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I am about 90 years old until the hot water from the shower loosens me up. Once I get moving, I am ok. Every day there seems to be a new ache or pain. I have also been using reading glasses for about a year and a half now. I see grays starting to come in, but they are still blending well, so I haven’t had to start coloring my hair yet. I admit that I am not brave enough to allow myself to just go gray. So, that’s my aging process thus far. Isn’t it grand? (sarcasm)

Having said all of that, I hope my joking tone came through as you read my words because I am actually doing alright with my aging process. However, watching people around me age has been difficult. I am blessed and grateful to still have both of my parents and both of my in-laws. At this stage of life, it is beginning to really sink in that age is gaining on them. My dad is going through something presently that has us all very anxious and upset. He has really been showing his age these past few years and it is difficult to watch. My mom has her medical issues, but she still looks younger than her age, although she doesn’t believe that. My mother in law has pretty debilitating orthopedic issues and my father in law, who is now 82 but had always looked terrific for his age, is being hit with the aging monster too. 

My kids have taken for granted that they have all 4 of their grandparents at their age. I try to remind them, without too much guilt imposed, that I really only had my maternal grandmother growing up and she died when I was 16. I regret not spending more time with her because she really had quite an interesting history. Regret is a difficult emotion to live with, which is why I remind my kids not to forget their grandparents and to be grateful they still have them.

It isn’t just my parents and in-laws whom I am watching age; it is also the people in my own generation whom I am starting to see struggle with various ailments that would have been unheard of years ago. First, there is my husband. Don’t get me wrong. He’s still looks fantastic, but he too is using reading glasses. His hip is so filled with arthritis that he walks like an old man. He will definitely need a hip replacement sooner rather than later. He recently found out that he has high triglycerides, which was never an issue before. Then there are the recommended screenings that come with age and you better believe I have been nagging him to get his colonoscopy, because he is now 50.

Then there are my siblings. I am the youngest of 3. My sister is 7 years older than I and my brother is 4 years older. My sister has always suffered with various maladies, but I recently heard from my mother that my brother is dealing with issues he never would have dreamed about in his worst nightmares. Without going into any detail, let’s just say it’s something no man would ever want to experience, and I will leave it at that! I have peers who have been diagnosed with cancer. I have people my age coming through the cancer center with various cancers. It’s just hitting me lately that time is taking its toll on people and it’s hitting very close to home.

Rather than allowing myself to slip into a depression and entering into a full-fledged midlife crisis, I lean on my faith to give me encouragement and strength. My parents are also people of faith, so I have no fear about where they will go when they eventually part this world and I also know we will be reunited, but the thought of that loss is too much to imagine right now. I remember when my grandmother died and how I was a typical self-absorbed teenager. Knowing what I know now, I feel terrible that I wasn’t more of a comfort to my mom. I know she suffered very intense grief when her mother died and she still misses her wisdom and love. I dread the day when I will feel that grief. However, this much I know. God will be with us and he will comfort us with His everlasting love and peace.

 In the meantime, I will remind myself that this is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it (Psalm 118:24)! That’s what we all have to do because none of us are promised tomorrow. As much as I can complain about the aging process, I also have to remember that it is better than the alternative and it is an experience denied to many. So I will rejoice over every new gray hair; I will be encouraged by every new ache and pain, and I will do my best to age gracefully. I hope you do as well. God bless!

Things I Learned from Being Married

It is hard to believe that my husband, Eric, and I will be celebrating 25 years of marriage on June 5^th. That truly blows my mind! I am thrilled to say that after all these years together, we are still very much in love and in “like” with one another. Yes, I actually like my husband! He truly is my best friend and the rock on which I lean, besides God I mean. Having said that, I will be honest and say that it wasn’t all sunshine and roses between us. We have had some great years, but we have also had some very trying years. There was even a time when we almost lost each other. Basically, we married young, had kids, started to get complacent, we grew apart for a time, but then we realized how much we truly loved each other and, thank God, we grew back together. I can honestly say that we are closer now than we have ever been.

We did not get this way by osmosis. It took lots of hard work and inner reflection to fix the problems in our relationship. As a result, we have both learned so much about what it means to be married, what it means to nurture a relationship, and we also learned so much about ourselves in the process, and it was a process. So now, I would like to share some of the things I learned by being married. These are things I didn’t really know well enough before I got married but definitely learned, at a deeper level, along the way. Incidentally, these are in no particular order.

Communication is essential!

We have all heard this said, and a lot of us believe we know how to communicate, but we may not be as good at it as we may think. I’ll speak for myself here. I always thought I was an open book, that people always knew how I felt and that I was honest about my feelings. I confess that did not always apply when it came to my marriage. I fell into a lot of the communication traps that can cause problems in a relationship. For example, I ran on the assumption that Eric should have known what it was that I needed and wanted from him. When he fell short of my expectations, I harbored resentment. I wasn’t clear about my emotional needs and when he failed to meet them, my resentment grew, causing me to behave in, let’s just say, not so pleasant ways. That, in turn, caused him to feel that I didn’t respect him and he became resentful too. Neither of us really fully knew what our own needs were because we were so young when we married. It was through trials and tribulations, plus wisdom that comes from the willingness to learn, that we finally learned to really and truly communicate. Neither of us harbors bitterness anymore. We address issues immediately so they can be worked through and resolved. As it says in Ephesians 4:26, we “do not let the sun go down before you [we] have dealt with the cause of your [our] anger.” We talk about it and we resolve it.

“A  happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” (Ruth Bell Graham)

All I have to say to this is, CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?! In order to be able to let go of bitterness and/or resentment, we must be willing to forgive our spouse, sometimes daily, for both the big offenses and the small ones. My feelings about forgiveness have evolved over decades and I have learned a few things. Essentially, forgiveness is a journey; it is a process. We don’t just utter the words, “I forgive you” and POOF, all the anger is gone. It may be that easy at times, but, most of the time, it is much more difficult than that. When it comes to our spouse, let’s face it, we are human. Things are going to get on our nerves. We may even find ourselves actually filled with rage over something our spouse has said or done, but, in order to deal with those feelings, we must be willing to forgive our spouse. You must. There is no reconciliation without forgiveness. Also, you probably have done things in the marriage that require forgiveness as well. I have learned that forgiving Eric for past offenses was the only way to move forward and heal the damage in the relationship and he has done the same for me. Oh yes, and don't forget to forgive yourself too!

Marriage is a sacred covenant and not a mere contract that can be easily broken.

I can honestly say that when I walked down the aisle on June 5, 1994, I had not a doubt in my mind about marrying Eric. Divorce was not even a remote possibility in my mind. The same was true for Eric. I learned later how essential that mindset actually is when entering into marriage. The divorce rate in the US is over 50%. That is startling to me. As a therapist who has worked with numerous couples, I have found that the couples who got married with the thought of divorce as a safety net were the ones who usually were more vulnerable to the demise of their marriages. Let me add this disclaimer. Abuse is never acceptable, whether it is verbal or physical. I would never advocate for someone remaining in an abusive situation. Having said that, I do believe that some people enter into marriage not understanding or believing how sacred the marriage union truly is. Many couples enter into the marriage without a clear vision of what they want their marriage to look like. Many haven’t really discussed the major life issues to really know whether their views are compatible. Then, when the first sign of trouble comes, and rest assured, it will, they tend to give up too quickly. Their fallback is to divorce rather than do the necessary work to repair the relationship.

I am so grateful that my husband and I shared that value. Neither of us was willing to just give up on our marriage, and believe me, we were both tempted at one point or another. Ultimately though, we realized that our love was too strong, our bond was too tight, and nothing was going to destroy that. As my faith grew stronger over the years, I really learned and grew to understand the meaning of man and woman becoming one flesh. In my younger years, that was an abstract concept, but here is what I have come to understand. Man and woman, when they come together, represent the whole of who and what God is. The man is the authority, protector, and provider side of God, while the woman is the nurturer, caregiver, and life-giving side of God. Two equal parts of a whole are what marriage is. That is why what God has joined, no one can ever tear apart. That is one of the greatest things I learned from being married to my beloved.

Men and women are different and that is ok!

I’ve written about this many times before. I think I already knew this before I got married, but I really learned just how different men and women are by being married to a “typical guy.” Eric is a very masculine man. He’s a very practical and logical thinker. His defense mechanism when things are difficult is to problem-solve and think in logical and practical ways. He believes in and has cultivated the art of not allowing his emotions to cloud his thinking, especially when there are distressful things occurring. This used to drive me absolutely insane! I am the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I am a tremendous problem solver in my professional life, but when it comes to my personal life, I am very emotional, especially when I see those whom I love struggling. This used to drive Eric insane.

This difference between us, which is a very common difference between men and women, caused a lot of strife between us in our early years of marriage. I felt, at times, as if I was suffering alone during trying times in our lives together. I felt as if Eric was mentally checked out of the relationship. It was especially difficult when I was raising my twins. He worked, a lot, and I was a stay-at-home mother for a few years. I felt very alone much of the time. I felt like I was out of sight and out of mind to my husband. Meanwhile, Eric was having his own struggles. He worried about finances and was doing his best to keep us afloat on one salary. He had a jerk of a boss who made his life miserable. He started to feel inadequate, especially as my resentment grew. You get the picture.

As we matured and as we started to let down our defenses and learn to view things from the other’s perspective, we realized that much of our issues stemmed from misunderstanding our inherent differences. Bill and Pam Farrell wrote about this in their book, Men are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti. They discussed how men think in “boxes,” or they compartmentalize their lives. Women, on the other hand, think like a plate of spaghetti, where every aspect of their lives is touching and overlapping. I think that is a very accurate description and certainly describes Eric and me. Once we realized that, we stopped fighting those differences, and then we learned to use them to our individual and collective advantage. Now, when difficulty arises, Eric allows me room to be emotional and I yield control to him, since he’s great at staying calm and thinking clearly in a crisis. Now, we are a fantastic team and there is no more resentment between us.

The marriage relationship must be nurtured and tended to daily.

There are several insidious things that can ruin a marriage and one of those is something that people often do not realize until it is too late. That is complacency. This is a seemingly innocuous thing. We all get complacent from time to time. Between work, kids, house, family, we are so tired! I know there are days that all I want to do when I get home from a very long workday is sit in silence. I literally talk all day, every day, and the last thing I want to do when I get home is to be on the phone or hear people’s complaints. Sometimes, I just want to check out mentally. That’s ok, sometimes, but it becomes a problem when that sometimes becomes most times. Once couples allow complacency to set in, they stop attending to each other’s needs. They start taking each other for granted. Not only does the encouragement and positive feedback that couples once shared diminish, but the negative comments and complaints also increase. Couples find that they become hyper-focused on their spouse’s faults or shortcomings and that is when a rift between them begins. That rift leaves room for the resentment to grow. Once that resentment takes hold, a marriage, in which the spouses had left the door open to divorce from the moment they said their “I do’s”, is in serious jeopardy. To avoid this danger, spouses must make a concentrated effort to tend to each other’s emotional needs.

I have found that it doesn’t take much to make Eric happy and he has discovered the same about me. Daily, small acts of affection, like saying “I love you”, snuggling together, sending each other loving texts to let the other know you are thinking of him or her,  and so many other gestures, both big and small, can make such a difference in the relationship. Basically, we need to know from our spouses that they love us, appreciate us, miss us when we are not there, and cherish us. I once told my husband that not only do I want to know you love me, but I want everyone to know you love me, whether I am in your presence or not. Since then, he has accommodated that need quite nicely. I hope I do the same for him.

As I am typing, I realize this is getting a bit lengthy. I have so many more things to share about what I have learned from being married to my love for 25 years, but I’ll stop here. I thank you if you have made it this far. I just want to wrap up with some parting words to those of you who are married or hope to be married one day. Remember that you and your spouse are not enemies or competition. You are teammates and partners. You are on each other’s side, which means you must always build each other up, encourage each other, support each other, pray for one another and be the strength when one is weak. Marriage is supposed to be the shelter in the storm, not the storm itself. Protect it from harm. Fortify it with love and respect. Strengthen it with good communication and constant forgiveness. Supplement it with joy and laughter. Honor it by honoring each other. I truly believe that, short of abuse, any problem in a marriage relationship can be overcome, as long as both spouses want it badly enough and work hard enough to make it better. I also believe that God can rectify, reconcile, and resurrect any marriage, as long as we remember how sacred it is and how blessed we are to have it. I am blessed beyond measure to be married to my soul mate. May you be as blessed!

 

Until we meet again...

One March 1^st, I had published a blog entry sharing my feelings of gratitude for my precious great niece, Madelyn Joy. It is with the heaviest heart that I now express my deepest sorrow, because her story took a very tragic turn. She suddenly developed pulmonary hypertension, which severely damaged her lungs and heart. After a very tough fight from the tiniest of babies, she passed away in the arms of her mother, my niece, and joined her brother, Dylan Charles in Heaven, on April 24^th.

As I am sure everyone can imagine, her death has left our family reeling. After all, she was a miracle. She survived her brother’s passing at 18 weeks. She survived the terrible infection my niece had developed from the remainder of Dylan's placenta that was left inside her uterus. She survived a very premature birth and even breathed on her own right away. She seemed to be thriving, growing from 2 pounds, 6 ounces, to 4 and a half pounds. Then she quickly went downhill as we watched helplessly. I never stopped praying. We had literally thousands of people praying for this sweet baby. I thought that since God had already brought her through so much and since she had already overcome numerous obstacles just to be born, God would bring her all the way through and heal her. However, that was not God’s plan.

Now we are left trying to make sense of this. My niece is amazingly resilient and she has been refusing to allow this to break her. The hardest thing for me to have heard her say was that she actually questioned whether God hated her, because that is what it felt like to lose not one, but 2 babies. However, she said she just cannot allow herself to believe that. She said she is determined to turn this horrible tragedy into a triumph. She said she is forever changed and she is determined to help others dealing with both infertility and also parents of children with Down Syndrome. She said she is so grateful for the time she had with Maddie, who was such a beautiful baby. She already had a sassy personality. She had red hair and big, beautiful eyes. She made the cutest sounds and the funniest little faces. She also had such beautiful hands and they always seemed to be in poses, as if she was praying or waving hello. Today was her original due date and she would have been 3 months old, but it just was not meant to be.

I feel so much sadness. I grieve the loss of seeing this beautiful little baby grow into a toddler, little girl and young lady. I am sad that I will never see her laugh and play. I am sad that I will not hear her voice call my niece, mommy, something she has wanted to be more than anything. My heart aches for my niece and her spouse. They loved their babies so much. They were able to briefly feel the unfathomable love that parents have for their children. Yet, their children have been taken from them. It just is not fair, but I trust in the Lord and this is one of those times when I cannot lean on my own understanding, because I will never really understand this. 

My family is very fortunate because we have wonderful support within our congregational family. Our dear friend, Heidi, said something that has truly comforted me. She said Maddie and Dylan are not gone. They are simply out of our time frame. In other words, time does not exist where they are. In Psalm 90:4, it says, “For from your viewpoint a thousand years are merely like yesterday or a night watch.” When we are reunited with Maddie and Dylan one day, for them, time does not exist, so time will not have passed for them. We who are left behind are the ones suffering the loss. My niece, in her tremendous strength and resilience, has made a conscious decision to take her profound pain and turn it for good. She said she basically has 2 choices. She can allow this pain to kill her, or she can allow it to make her stronger. She chose the latter. I couldn’t be more proud of her and she continues to amaze me. In the meantime, I really do look forward to seeing my sweet cherubs again. Until then, I will picture them together, playing and frolicking in Heaven. That gives me enormous comfort.