Own It!

It is confession time. One of my biggest pet peeves and hot button issues is when people play the victim all the time. I am not speaking of someone who is legitimately victimized, so let me make that distinction. I am speaking about people who make mistakes and blame other people for them. I am talking about passive aggressive people who have an issue with someone or something, but instead of dealing with it properly, they stew about it and complain about it and become so miserable because of it that it becomes unbearable to be around them. I am here to tell those people that blaming others for your mistakes, actions, inactions and emotions is not only unproductive, but it is giving away your personal power and your opportunity for growth.

I have spoken many times about owning our mistakes. I have also said this before, but it bears repeating. We are human; we are going to make mistakes! We do not need to walk around in constant shame and condemnation, but we do need to repent and look at our mistakes, own them, learn from them and not repeat them. If we do not own how we have contributed to a situation that caused problems for ourselves or others, or caused pain, then how can we possibly change the behavior? We cannot acquire wisdom if we do not allow ourselves to learn from our follies. In Proverbs 12:1 it says, “He who loves knowledge loves discipline, but he who hates correction is a boor.” Humble yourselves and take correction. I know I would rather be wise than boorish.

When we make mistakes, it is not enough to simply admit to that mistake and do nothing about it. Repentance requires actions. We are responsible to take action once we have owned our mistakes. When I counsel couples, there seems to be a running theme of spouses acknowledging mistakes but repeating the actions that caused pain to their spouse. They say sorry for whatever offense has been done to the other, but they continue to repeat the said action. I try and teach them that an apology is not supposed to be a bunch of empty words. An apology has multiple essential components. We must 1) say the words, “I am sorry”, 2) acknowledge the hurt that our actions caused, and 3) we must make amends by CHANGING THE BEHAVIOR! Without all 3 components, an apology is meaningless. Take responsibility for your bad behavior by changing it.

Inaction can be just as harmful. I mentioned before the phrase “passive aggressive.” People who are passive aggressive are usually the ones who hate confrontation. They avoid it like the plague. I certainly do not love confrontation, but I believe it is ridiculous to stew about something that is bothering me because it only hurts me further. I choose to take responsibility for my feelings by expressing them or dealing with the situation that is causing me distress. Even if the problem is not resolved, at least I can walk away knowing that I stood my ground and did my part to resolve the matter. Passive is just not my thing. I also know that anger turned inward becomes depression. Your thought life tends to revolve around the bad feelings caused by this situation you are too avoidant to address. The next thing you know, you become a miserable person, feeling like the world is against you and you think you are powerless to stop it. Is that really how you want to live? Why are you giving away your personal power? Of what are you afraid? In Psalm 118:6 it says, “With Adonai (God) on my side, I fear nothing-what can human beings do to me?”

Today, I challenge you to stop playing the victim; take back your personal power and own your behavior. You do not have to walk around flogging yourself in shame. All you need do is examine where you went wrong, repent, apologize with words and action, and own your behavior. If you do this, you will take back the personal power you have given away by denying your mistakes or by blaming them on some extraneous situation or person. If you refuse to do this, you will remain stuck in misery. You will remain emotionally immature because you will be denying yourself the opportunity to gain wisdom. Wisdom comes through learning, not osmosis. In that sense, it is a good thing to make mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities for growth. Do not deny them. Own them! Allow yourself to be everything God intended you to be. Stop playing the victim and do not be a boor! God bless!