"Stop trying to change me!"

A very common cause of unhappiness within a relationship is the expectation the other person will eventually change. Think about the folly of this for a second. You are not accepting a person for who he or she is. That begs the question; what about this person did you love in the first place? Did you really love the person, or did you love an image of who you wanted the person to be? Unfortunately, so many people fall into the trap of the latter. People see characteristics within a person that they know they do not like, but they convince themselves that they can “change” or “fix” the other. Conversely, people see things in others that simply are not there, or they project onto the other traits they want to see in the other, but are simply non-existent. In either case, this inevitably leads to anger, frustration, and disappointment. This relationship may have been doomed from the very start.

This discussion is directed towards those of you who are constantly trying to change the people you love, whether that is a spouse, a friend, or a family member. Let me save you a lot of time and aggravation. You cannot change another person. All you can do is focus on yourself and what needs to change within you. Oh, you did not realize that you too may need some tweaking? So you thought you were perfect? Well, you are not perfect. None of us are. We all learn and grow until we die, so I am now challenging you to stop focusing on the other person’s faults and shift that focus on to your own.

This is not always easy. It is very difficult to admit to ourselves that we may be contributing to a relationship problem just as much as the other person. One of the best ways to discover what you need to address within yourself is to ask God for help. In Psalm 139:23-24 it says, “Examine me, God, and know my heart, test me, and know my thoughts. See if there is in me any hurtful way, and lead me along the eternal way.” We have to be willing to accept that we have parts of ourselves that may not be all that admirable and we must be willing to do something about it. We have to openly admit our faults and then actively do something to improve ourselves.

Once we do this, our perspective begins to change. We start to realize that perhaps we were focusing too much on the negative and not giving the other person credit for the positives. Married couples often fall into the trap of focusing on the negatives. I worked with a couple that faced this issue. The wife was constantly complaining about all the things her husband was not doing that she believed he should be doing. She constantly nagged him, which made him pull away from her. This made her feel unloved. Little did she realize that she never gave him credit for all of the great things he did around the house, for her and for their children. She basically just took those things for granted. Coming to therapy was the best thing for them, because the husband was finally able to voice his own hurt and frustration. Furthermore, the wife finally took a pause and realized that she was taking him for granted. She eventually admitted that when she gave him positive feedback about the things he did for the family, the other issues corrected themselves over time. It is amazing what feeling appreciated does for a person!

So the main point I want to make is this. You cannot directly change a person. If you love a person, you must accept him or her for who he or she is, warts and all. You can, however, change yourself. Look at how you may be contributing to the relationship issues. Be willing to admit your mistakes and work to correct them. I have said this before and I will say it again. You must be the change you would like to see. You may be able to indirectly affect the way others behave if you show patience, kindness, and love and if you actually communicate in a more positive way. I am not suggesting we must lower our expectations for someone else’s behavior. We all deserve respect, but I am suggesting that your own negative behavior may be exacerbating the other’s negative behavior. Therefore, conversely, your positive behavior can indirectly motivate the other to be more positive. Be willing to admit your own mistakes and the other will feel safer to admit his or hers. Here is the final piece of the puzzle. Forgive the other person for not living up to your “shoulds” and forgive yourself for imposing unfair expectations on the other. Remember, as it says in 1 Corinthians 13:5, "love keeps no record of wrongs." Change starts with you! God Bless!

Anger: The Armor of Lead

Those who know me, especially my patients and clients, have heard me talk about anger as a shield. I use this analogy because anger is a secondary emotion. There are always more vulnerable emotions underneath the anger. In effect, anger serves as a barrier that keeps us from having to expose those vulnerable emotions. The emotions under the anger are probably what cause us the most emotional distress. In other words, it is much easier to express anger than it is to admit that we are scared, or sad, or lonely, or hurt. So, anger becomes our armor, as if we think it is protecting ourselves from bad things getting to us. Some people walk around in their armor 24/7. The problem is this. Not only does it not protect us from bad things getting in, but it actually keeps the bad stuff inside of us and keeps the good stuff out!

So why is the anger armor made of lead? Stay with me on this. Lead is a very strong metal. It’s durable. It is almost indestructible. Heck, even Super Man cannot see through lead. However, as we have learned over the years, lead is a very toxic metal. Once it corrodes, those toxins can affect people’s health. For example, lead pipes have been found to contaminate drinking water and cause serious health issues.  Anger, like lead, may appear to be a protection, but its corrosive nature poses a real danger to our emotional health, and even our physical health, in some cases. Those who constantly walk around with their lead armor on really are hurting their emotional well being. Not only are they not protecting themselves from being hurt, but they are keeping all of the good things out, like love, happiness, and joy. After all, you cannot hug lead and expect to feel the warmth of human connection.

Lead is also very heavy. Anger, like lead, can weigh you down and make your heart feel heavy. It takes a lot of energy to carry around constantly. Carrying around something so heavy all the time can make you physically and emotionally tired, even depressed. Carrying around something so heavy keeps you from enjoying your life. The weight of it distracts you and keeps you from being in the present. You get to a point where you can think of nothing else but the anger you feel.

I counseled a couple who was dealing with infidelity recovery. In this case, the husband was the betrayed spouse. He walked around in his lead armor all the time. He believed it made him a stronger man. He was not going to expose all the hurt, sadness, embarrassment and inadequacy he was feeling. He actually believed that if he stopped being angry with his wife, he would get hurt again, as if the anger was protecting him somehow. His world was blown apart by his wife’s infidelity and his anger gave him the means through which he could function without falling apart. The anger served a purpose for a while; however, as it corroded into his heart, it kept him and his wife from being able to rebuild their relationship. Only when he was finally able to expose his vulnerable emotions, he and his wife were able to start the healing process. He did this by taking off that armor and bravely exposing his more vulnerable feelings. At that point, real progress was made between them and healing began.

If you feel as if you are wearing the armor of lead and you are tired of carrying it around, I challenge you today to take it off! This armor is not protecting you from anything or keeping anything bad out. All it is doing is keeping the bad stuff in and blocking the good from entering. I promise that if you are brave enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable, nothing catastrophic will happen. Once you stop hiding behind that armor, you will learn how to deal with your sadness, your fear, your loneliness, your inadequacy and your depression. You will no longer be exposed to the toxins that come from harboring anger. If you free yourself from that, you can “detox” from the exposure and feel a happier, more contented life. Your relationships will be deeper, more meaningful, and more satisfying. There is so much to gain by taking that lead armor off and very little to lose. It is not weak to take that armor off; on the contrary, it is probably the bravest thing you can do. It is not easy to be exposed, but only when you remove the barrier of anger can you truly connect with others. Take off the armor and let yourself be seen! You can do it! God bless.

Step into my office...

If you are currently in therapy, have ever been in therapy, or you are thinking about going to therapy, you have probably wondered what goes on in the mind of the therapist. I thought I would de-mystify this for you and let you in on some things. We therapists are human. We come with our own experiences, personalities and, yes, even baggage.

Now, optimally, we should have our baggage well managed before we see our first client. It was drilled into me in graduate school that before we even think of starting a practice, every therapist should go through therapy himself or herself, because it is inevitable that there is probably something that needs to be dealt with intrapersonally. If someone does not get a handle on his or her issues, then he or she is in danger of what Sigmund Freud referred to as countertransference. In a nutshell, this simply means that the therapist transfers unresolved emotions onto his or her client. For example, a therapist may have been abused by her father and then has a male client who reminds her of her father. If she has not dealt with her hurt and/or anger towards her father, she may transfer negative emotions to her client and damage the therapeutic relationship.

I am confident in saying that I have done a lot of introspective work on myself and, yes, I have been through therapy. When I started my practice, I resolved to be the type of therapist that I would want and given the feedback I receive from clients, I seem to be succeeding in that goal, but I digress. I am very self aware and when a client evokes unpleasant emotions within me, I process those emotions and try to identify their origin. Sometimes it stems from emotional baggage of mine, but not always. In the book The Gift of Therapy, by Irvin Yalom, he teaches that we as therapists need to pay attention to our own emotions evoked by our clients, because they provide us a lot of information about the client. For example, I had a client who made me feel so frustrated. Each session, he brought the same issues and we would develop a plan of action with specific attainable goals that he would agree to accomplish. However, time and time again, he failed to follow through and the cycle would repeat. I realized that he probably makes the people in his life feel the way I was feeling and that helped me to help him understand why his family often would avoid him.

So the preceding was a glimpse into what therapists deal with professionally, now I would like to share the more personal side of being a therapist. Remember, I said we are human? Here is my humanness for you to see. Even though I have had my practice for a few years now, I still get a little bit of butterflies in my stomach when I meet a new client. Questions run through my mind like, “will he trust me?” or “can I help her?” Then I do my usual self-talk and the rest is usually pretty smooth.

Here is another tid bit about me. My super power is being an empath. Basically, not only does it come easily for me to identify what a person is feeling, I sometimes actually feel what the client is feeling. I can either sense an energy emanating from the person, or I actually feel a strong wave of the emotion myself. In my personal life, I always quote the line from the movie Steel Magnolias when Truvy says, “No one cries alone in my presence.” If someone cries in front of me, I almost always tear up myself. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me not to cry with my clients when they cry. Most of the time I can control it, but, truth be told, I have let tears slip a few times. The job of a therapist, among other things, is to be a container for our clients’ pain. We must sit with them in their distress and provide a safe place for them to do so. The downside to being that container for me is that sometimes, even after the session ends, I am still filled with the pain my client shared with me and I need to find a healthy way to empty it. Many an evening, I have cried in the car on the way home to release the emotions and then I was fine. You would think this would eventually wear me down, but, surprisingly, it does not. I feel blessed to have been a part of someone’s healing.

I have colleagues with whom I process these various issues and I belong to several therapists groups, so we help each other and support each other. Each client teaches us and helps us to grow as therapists and as human beings. I would love to share a quote from one of my colleagues who helped me process some sadness I was feeling over a client’s situation. His name is Daniel and this is what he said, “This kind of growth for us as clinicians is always available, and is also one of the rewards of being in the room and doing what we do. And so we can breathe, reflect, and remember who we are with gratitude for the opportunity.” I could not have said it any better. In my heart and soul, I believe that God leads us to where we are supposed to be and He equips us for the purpose He has for us. I am both humbled and honored that He has led me to the work I do, I am grateful that He has equipped me well, and I am blessed beyond measure to be doing what I do. So, now you know what goes on in my office. God bless.

What is Your Giving Motivation?

I have noticed that the people who are the most kind-hearted and giving are also among the most unhappy people. No, it is not because good people have to suffer. Being a good and giving person is not a bad thing at all. It is a wonderful thing. For example, my sister, Beth, is a very giving and generous person. She often donates to charities anonymously. For her, the joy is in the actual giving and not the accolades she would get as a result. She does not suffer by giving. She gives freely and within her means. The problem comes when one transitions from giving from one's own free will into becoming a doormat or a martyr. Giving of yourself, whether emotionally or financially, is not in and of itself problematic. The motivation for the giving may be the issue. If you are giving for the wrong reasons, the result may be painful, especially if you do not receive as much, or anything, in return.

So, what, you may ask, are the wrong types of motivation that lead to unhappiness?  I will address a few. This is by no means exhaustive, but merely examples of what I see most frequently.

1. You give of yourself because you want to please someone else.

The surest way to be unhappy is by trying to please all of the people all of the time! When you give of yourself because you think that is the only way to make someone else happy, a lot can go wrong. Some people are just very difficult to please. If you are constantly the one compromising, bending over backward or sacrificing, trying to make the other person happy, and you are met with very little reciprocated effort in return, then resentment can begin to build within you. You begin to carry around those feelings of resentment and probably will suppress them because you cannot allow yourself to be angry at the other. After all, you just want the person to be happy and you do not want to hurt their feelings in any way. So, you somehow find a way to blame yourself and direct that anger inward. Anger turned inward becomes depression.

2. You give of yourself out of a sense of obligation.

In past blog posts, and in my practice, I frequently speak about faulty thinking and the various types of thinking errors people often use. One of those types of thinking errors is called "shoulds" thinking. Acting because you believe you SHOULD do something can cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety, depression and/or anger. People who give of themselves because they think they have to do so usually end up with the martyr syndrome. Martyrs may think they are behaving in an altruistic fashion, and they may be, for the most part; however, the sense of obligation eclipses any feelings of joy or satisfaction and causes a feeling of enormous burden. These types of people walk around miserable and often adopt a victim mentality or a "woe is me" mentality. In either case, they are not very pleasant to be around. They seem to carry around a dark cloud and it can be very palpable to others. Just remember, "shoulds" thinking is distorted think. There are no shoulds; only choices.

3. You give of yourself because you worry what people are thinking about you.

Worrying about what others think of you from time to time is to be expected. It is human nature. However, when this becomes a constant and persistent thought in your mind, that can cause nothing but trouble. People who inordinately worry about what others think of them often employ another type of thinking error called "mind reading". They are constantly acting based on the responses or perceived perceptions of others. Those are the types who give of themselves for the sole purpose of not wanting to appear selfish. No one wants to be accused of being selfish because that has a negative connotation. Being selfish is bad and makes people think you are a bad person, right? That would be such a horrible thing if someone were to think you are a bad or selfish person, right? It took me a long time to realize that it really does not matter what other people think of me. It only matters to me what God thinks of me. He is the only one I care to please. If you live your life based on what you think others are thinking about you, you will never feel content with who you are. You will never derive any joy out of giving because your perception is most likely inaccurate anyway. Be who you are and those who matter will accept you for who you are, not who you are pretending to be.

4. You give expecting some sort of validation in return.

Giving is a beautiful thing and it gives people a sense of purpose. It is also nice to be recognized for the good things we do in life. That also is human nature. However, if your sole motivation for giving of yourself is to receive some sort of validation or recognition from others, you are really setting yourself up for disappointment. If your sense of self-worth is derived externally, you may never feel worthy. Here is a difficult lesson to learn. People may disappoint you. Others may never see the good you do because they cannot see past themselves. If you personalize someone else's failure to recognize what you do for him or her, you will never feel good about yourself. Again, my validation comes from my knowledge that no matter what I do, no matter how much I fail Him, God loves me with an everlasting love. His patience for me is endless and His mercy is new every day. Do not look for the validation of humans. You may receive it sometimes, and that is nice, but you also may not and your self-worth cannot depend on it.

So now let us tie this all together. In order to be a joyful giver, your motivation has to be in the right order and your focus in the right place. If you give of yourself, how another receives it is irrelevant. Do not give out of a sense of obligation. No one likes a martyr. Do not allow yourself to become a doormat by giving from the wrong place in your heart. Do not focus on what others think of you. Giving is not about making people think one way or another about you. Finally, if you give, go into it not expecting anything in return. Focus on how giving of yourself freely makes you feel content and joyful. Focus on what God thinks about it and how it will please Him. Basically, ego needs to be removed from the act of giving of yourself. If there is too much ego involved, your motivation is coming from the wrong source and the end result will most likely not be what you wanted. If you consider yourself to be a giving person but you are unhappy, right here, right now, I challenge you to ask yourself what your giving motivation is. It is better to not give at all than to have the wrong giving motivation. God wants a cheerful giver! God bless!

Can You Live with "Why"?

Do we always have to have the answer to "why"? I think it is human nature to want to have the answer to every question. We have this tremendous need for closure. Uncertainty seems to drive most people crazy, yes, including me! However, the reality is, sometimes, we will just not know the answer. The question I pose to you right now is this. Can you live with an unanswered “why”?

I think that a lot of people would find peace if they were able to learn to live with uncertainty. Sometimes, there really is no definitive answer. For example, in the world of oncology, there are so many unknowns. The patients I work with often want an answer to why they got cancer. Some cancers have an obvious cause. If you are a heavy smoker and you develop lung cancer, there is no mystery as to how it happened. However, I have had many patients, who were basically healthy most of their lives, had little to no family history of cancer, yet they had cancer. The inevitable question in situations like this is always “why did this happen to me?” They wonder if they did something to cause their disease or they wonder if the area in which they live was somehow a contributing factor. The hardest thing for them is to just accept that the answer may never be found. They must learn to shift their focus on to the business of dealing with their diagnosis and find peace within the turmoil of such a diagnosis. I have found that the ones who are able to come to an acceptance are the ones who emotionally and mentally seem to do better during their treatment journeys.

So, you may ask how one makes the transition from being the “why me” person to becoming the “it is what it is” person. There is no one size fits all answer for everyone, so I will share what has worked for me. First of all, my faith has been the anchor that has kept me from going adrift in the waves of uncertainty. I always go to Proverbs 3:5, where it says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Let that sink in for a second. We do not always have all the answers and if our peace depended on knowing everything, then we would simply never be at peace. My trust in the Lord allows me to know that even if I do not understand why something is happening, I know that He does and I also know that, no matter what, He will work the situation out so that it benefits me in some way, even if the process is painful.

Another important thing I have learned is that I can sit in my distress because it will not kill me and it will eventually pass. Whether or not I know the answer to why something bad is happening becomes inconsequential. I know that I will get through it, so the need to know why fades in importance. Patience becomes more important than the answer to the “why” question. Granted, I am still a work in progress where patience is concerned, but I never said I was perfect!  Stop being so afraid of distress. You will emerge on the other side of it. The frantic search for the answer to “why” will only cause you more distress, especially if there is no answer to “why”.

This is what  I hope and pray for those of you who are reading this and for those who can relate to the need to always have the answers to the unanswered questions. . I hope that you can learn to come to an acceptance that you may not ever know the answer. I hope that you have a trust in God, or a higher power, and know that whatever the situation, you have been equipped to withstand it. The situation, with all of its uncertainty, will somehow work itself through and will work to develop you as a person. Once you can trust and let go of the need to have all the answers, you will find a peace that you never knew was possible. This incessant need to know why only causes fear, anxiety and stress, because the why is not the end goal. Sometimes, the answer does not bring the peace you are expecting it would. The peace comes from the letting go, and the wisdom comes from learning through the process. Now, I ask you again, can you live with “why”? Today, I challenge you to try. God bless!

Imagine

I had a dream the other night that I felt compelled to share. It was a very impactful dream. I was walking and I came to a crowd of people. I cannot tell you where this was or who these people were, just that it was a large and diverse crowd of people. I started to sing John Lennon’s “Imagine”. Sort of like one of those flash mobs, people started joining in with me. Pretty soon, we were all holding hands and singing together.

When I woke from the dream, I felt both a sense of love and peace, but I also felt a sense of deep sadness. The sadness came from the fact that our country, our world, is very far from that dream of unity and the “brotherhood of man” that Lennon sang about. It seems we are all so divided, perhaps as much or more than any other time in history. We are divided by race, religion, gender, political affiliation, and I find myself wondering why. I find myself asking why it seems that hate and anger are eclipsing love and friendship. Is not love supposed to triumph over hate? Is not good supposed to triumph over evil? What are we to do about this?

I have written about the importance of loving one another before, but it is a subject worthy of repeating. I will not pretend that I have the solution to world peace. I will not pretend that I am always a ray of sunshine, every moment of every day, but I will say this. We all have a responsibility to do our part to make sure love wins over hate, that friendship wins over anger, and  that understanding and empathy win over discord and division. We must rise above our human differences to find a place of common ground on which we can build a “brotherhood of man.”

I would venture to guess that underneath all of the opinions, political debates, prejudices, and misunderstandings are myriad commonalities. I learned a long time ago that even though people may have different experiences, emotions are universal. When I was in graduate school, I did an internship in a drug and alcohol day treatment program. I was having the most difficult time getting the clients to trust me and open up to me, because I had never been an addict. One particular day, one of the clients started yelling at me, saying I could not possibly understand the pain he was in because I have never been a drug addict. As he railed on about his despair, I realized that I may not understand what it is like to be a drug addict, but I did understand despair. When he finally stopped yelling at me, I said, “You are right, I can’t really understand, but help me to understand what it was like for you. I know what despair feels like, but help me understand what it feels like for you.” In that moment, whether or not I had ever been a drug addict no longer mattered to him. I allowed him to sit with his despair in the safety of my empathy and I listened to him without judgement. In that moment, we made a human connection of kindness.

We are all different. We all have had different experiences that shape who we are. We may disagree with one another, on many issues, but we share one very important thing. We are all sharing the human experience. No matter where we come from, we are all human beings. In our experiences, we have all had pain, fear, despair, some more than others, but the universal emotions are things we can all speak to, at one level or another. We all do not have to agree. There are aspects of each of our lives that others may never really understand fully, but we can listen. We can empathize with the emotions of others. We can extend kindness to connect each other. We can share love to heal wounds.  As John Lennon said, “Imagine all the people living life in peace. You...you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us and the world will be as one.” Can you imagine that? God bless!

Be Still

I am always struck whenever I notice themes that emerge in my practice. It happens quite frequently. Another theme that has recently emerged in my practice involves people feeling overwhelmed. They are overwhelmed by work stress. They are overwhelmed with financial burdens. They are overwhelmed with family life. They are overwhelmed by life itself. Many are finding it difficult to quiet their minds and find down time to just relax. This is an all too common problem for adults.

Obviously, we cannot rid ourselves of the stresses and responsibilities that come with being a responsible adult. We do not have control over everything that life throws us. Rather than fighting against this reality and running like a hamster on a wheel, getting nowhere fast, we need to learn how to grab moments within the craziness of our lives and give ourselves time to just be. As it says in Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” God has always known the importance of resting. We know that he made the Earth in 6 days and on the 7^th day, He rested. He gave us Shabbat (the Sabbath) not just to worship Him, but also to give us rest. In Psalm 127:2, we are reminded that all of our scrambling around in life is really pointless, because He always provides, “In vain do you get up early and put off going to bed, working hard to earn a living; for He provides for His beloved.”

I have a client, whom I will call Sharon. Sharon has a very stressful job and she shared that she is having a very difficult time disconnecting from work when she is done the work day. She said that her mind is constantly going over all of the various tasks she has to do the following day. When she takes time off, she cannot enjoy it, because she finds herself preoccupied with the thoughts about all the piled up work that will be awaiting her upon her return. She admitted that it is starting to interfere with her ability to be present with her loved ones. She is there bodily, but her mind is that hamster on the wheel. We are working on Sharon developing coping strategies that allow her to release her work stress and leave work at work, so she can be emotionally available to her loved ones.

If I impart nothing else to anyone, I hope this message gets through to those reading this. Work is just a means to an end. What really matters are those whom you love. There will always be work waiting for you. That is a given. Thinking about it and thinking about it will not change that fact. Stop, be still, and be present in your life, because it goes too quickly. Remember, our Creator is our strength and He gives us what we need to complete our purpose. It says in Proverbs 19:23, “The fear of Adonai leads to life; one who has it is satisfied and rests untouched by evil.” If you trust that you have what you need to succeed, then you need not fear all the things that life throws at you, because He has equipped you. It is not worth giving up the precious time with those whom we love and it is not healthy to give up the rest for the mind, body and soul we so desperately need, so get out of your head! Remember, at the end of our lives, we will not say, “I wish I had spent more time at work.” I will add that we will also not say, “I should have worried more.” I hope this was a reminder for everyone reading this to be still, be present in your life and take the gift of rest bestowed on us by God. Get off the hamster wheel and be blessed!