True Friends Are Treasures!

One of the most treasured things in life is having a true friend. I have always tried to teach my children that it is far better to have one or 2 true friends than a bunch of acquaintances. It is far better to be truly known and understood by a few than it is to have a bunch of people who know who you are, but do not really know you.

So, what is a true friend then? I believe a true friend knows who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly, and accepts you as you are. A good friend challenges you to see yourself through his or her loving eyes, so that you are not always so hard on yourself. A good friend supports you through the hard times, rejoices with you when you are happy and gives you in return what you give and, sometimes, he or she gives even more to you than that. For me though, one of the most essential qualities of a true friend is someone who will always tell you the truth, no matter how difficult it may be. He or she “speaks the truth in love”, as scripture says (Ephesians 4:15).

I am blessed with a few friends whom I know are true. Now it is confession time. I can be very opinionated at times. I can even be judgmental, which is not something that makes me proud of myself, believe me. I do not hate anyone or feel that I am superior to anyone in any way, but when I am passionate about something or I feel there is an injustice occurring, everyone around me will know what I am thinking or feeling and it is not always pretty. Sometimes I fail to practice what I preach and I do not realize that I have grown complacent in my continuing endeavor to be all who God wants me to be.

I was going through this very thing when my wonderful friend and soul sister, Linda, spoke the truth to me in love about my struggles with being judgmental and she shared her concern about it with me. I will be honest; it was not easy to hear. I was in no way angry with her. What I felt was a deep conviction. I even felt ashamed, but, because she knows me so well and she knows my heart, she was also able to help me understand her words came from a place of pure love, concern and a desire for me to be all that I can be in God. I did not feel that she was angry with me or that she thought I was a bad person. Knowing this and believing in her sincerity as a child of God, I was able to receive her message with the intention in which it was given. She had the love and courage to speak these difficult words to me, but because of that, I can now take another step towards becoming the woman in the Lord I am supposed to be. For that, I love Linda and I will forever be grateful to God that He put her in my life.

I am not saying that every person in your life who is blunt and critical of you is a true friend. If a person’s spirit comes from a place of insecurity and he or she is quick to point out everyone else’s flaws without working on his or her own, then that person’s sincerity is very questionable. However, if you know you have a person in your life that loves you with an unconditional love and speaks the truth to you out of concern, then you are truly blessed. In Proverbs 27: 5-6 it says, “Better open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend are received as well-meant, but an enemy’s kisses are insincere.” In other words, it is far better to have a true friend who will say something you need to hear out of pure concern for your well-being than it is to have a marginal friend who only says what you want to hear. The latter shows a lack of concern for your personal growth. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

I would like to end with some words of encouragement. For those of you who have maybe only a couple of people in your life, but you know those people are true friends, consider yourself blessed. I have worked with and met so many people who, on the surface, seem like they are popular and have the love and admiration of many, but, underneath the surface, they feel so lonely. They feel as if no one really knows who they truly are inside because no one has really taken the time to get to know them. They have been hurt by people in their lives whom they thought were true, but just turned out to be jealous fools who ended up disappointing them somehow. I may not be popular and known by many, but I know I am loved for who I am by the true people in my life. I am never lonely, because I know my true friends are only a phone call away. I hope I make them feel the same. You are not defective or worthless if you have only a couple of true friends; you are blessed beyond measure! God bless.

Count Your Blessings for Sweet Dreams.

“When I’m worried and I can’t sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I fall asleep counting my blessings.” That is an old song done by Bing Crosby. It is an oldie, but an absolute goodie. It is amazing that the problem of anxiety is not new to our present, hustle and bustle lives. How many of us can say that our thoughts just will not turn off at night? During the day, we are busy with our jobs, our kids, and our families, so we may not even have time to sit and think. However, the night comes and the quiet becomes eclipsed by the floodgate of worries opening in our minds. Without even realizing it, we allow our thoughts to run incessantly all night long. The next thing we know, hours have passed and we have gotten no sleep!

This is very common and I see it a lot in my practice. Sleep is so important in the management of mental health. When we do not get enough sleep, we become more irritable and less able to handle life’s pressures. The lack of sleep tends to perpetuate the very anxiety that is causing us to lose sleep in the first place. It is a horrible, draining, never-ending cycle that steals our joy and sucks the life out of us. So, how then do we deal with this very serious problem?

I have spoken before about various ways to deal with negative intrusive thoughts. There is a time for cognitive restructuring, but when you are in your bed trying to get some much needed sleep, that is not one of them. That is a time to employ some coping strategies. Just like the song says, instead of focusing on all of the problems you cannot possibly solve at 3:00 in the morning, shift your thoughts towards that which makes you happy. I find repeating a comforting prayer or a positive mantra is a great way to interrupt the negative thought cycle and relax yourself so that you can drift off to sleep. I have memorized Psalm 23. That is the one that says, “The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me by the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the path of righteousness for His name sake. Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with. Your rod and your staff comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (Amen). I usually do not get through it twice before I drift off to sleep. To me, this is such a comforting prayer and it is not just for funerals!

It also helps to get yourself into a sleep routine. Try and get to bed at the same time each night. Do something relaxing before bed, like taking a hot bath or reading a nice book. Do not have electronics on while you are in your bedroom getting ready to lie down. Yes, that does include the TV. Clear your mind of all the junk and do not indulge the negative thoughts. Pick your visualization, count your blessings, repeat your prayers or mantras and focus your thoughts on that which is happy, peaceful and lovely. If you do this, as it says in scripture, “When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet” (Psalm 3:24). How wonderful does that sound?

If this resonates with you, you are certainly not alone. The night time is the most difficult time in which to control intrusive thoughts. At the same time, the night time is not the time to identify and challenge your faulty thinking, like I teach my clients to do. Bedtime is a time to switch off the thoughts that plague you. It is the time to be in the present, reflect upon all the things in your life about which you can be thankful and grateful. For those of you who believe in a higher power, remember this from Isaiah 26:3-4, “A person whose desire rests on You, You preserve in perfect peace, because he trusts in You.” Give your worries to God and allow yourself to have that perfect peace so that you can regenerate your mind, body and spirit with the sweet sleep He wants you to have. Start tonight. Sweet dreams and God bless!

Keep the Faith!

I have experienced some very difficult circumstances in my life. There were times that I felt as if I was losing my mind. The feeling of being overwhelmed by very painful emotions is really too much for a person to withstand alone. People think I am a strong person. I suppose I am; however, I take no credit for that. All of the credit and acknowledgment for the strength that I possess goes to my Creator. If not for my faith in God, I never would have gotten through some of my most difficult times with my sanity intact.  My faith kept me focused. It kept me calm and, knowing that the Lord was with me and would carry me through the storms, made me feel strong. My faith gives me a hope that things will always work out and a peace that surpasses understanding. It is because of this I can say definitively that faith is a very powerful coping strategy.

Faith is an effective tool to combat depression and anxiety. I am not saying it will necessarily cure a person who suffers with clinical depression or major anxiety, but faith serves as one of many coping strategies. It makes our burdens a little lighter and enables us to carry emotional weight that we were never really meant to carry, at least not alone. God does not want us to suffer and He wants us to give our burdens to Him. In Matthew 11:28-30, we are given a beautiful message of love and support, “Come to me, all of you who are struggling and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” How wonderful it is to be able to give our worries, anxieties, and pain to Him and, in return, He gives to us a peace that, in our finite human minds, we could never comprehend. In fact, we are told, “Don’t worry about anything; on the contrary, make your requests known to God by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving. Then God’s shalom, passing all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe” (Philippians 4:6-7). I cannot tell you how many times after I have prayed to God and given Him my burdens, I felt an incredible sense of peace and calm. When I  looked back at the situation, I often thought that I should never have been that calm. Not only do I receive a sense of peace from my faith, but I am also given tremendous hope that He will always turn my pain into rejoicing. He has not failed me yet!

I am not just speaking from opinion and personal experience; study after study has shown the benefits of faith in mental health. According to a study done in 2003, it was found that faith kept children from engaging in destructive behaviors, such as drinking, smoking, or drug abuse. The conclusion was that faith was a protective factor against life’s stressors (Wills, 2003). The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) reports that research has shown that religion and faith can directly improve both physical and mental health. NAMI goes on to say that faith can provide a sense of community, which helps an individual feel supported and less isolated. It provides a sense of understanding and helps a person accept human suffering in a more adaptive way. It provides an outlet to help others, which has also been shown to improve one’s mental state. Mental illness symptoms often manifest physically. For example, anxiety can cause fast heart rate, stomach issues, and high blood pressure, to name a few. NAMI reports that studies have found a positive benefit with these symptoms after a 10-20 minute prayer or meditation session.

Even the American Psychiatric Association (APA) has acknowledged the benefits of faith and spirituality. In their “Guide for Faith Leaders”, the APA reports that those involved in a religious or spiritual group have a lower risk of premature illness or death than those who are not involved. Although the APA does not go further into the explanation for this outcome, those of us who have a strong faith can tell you why this is. When your faith allows you to give your burdens to a Heavenly Father who loves us with an unfathomable love, the peace you receive calms you to your very soul. If I had indulged every worry, every fear, and every negative thought that tried to weasel their way into my brain, then I probably would have ended up in the hospital. There was a time when I suffered with stomach issues. Not so coincidentally, my faith was not as strong as it is now. I continue to find that when I try and lean on my own understanding, I feel completely stressed out and I am more fatigued than usual. Only when I surrender to God and allow His spirit to guide my steps, do I find peace.

Some of you reading this know exactly of what I speak. For those of you who have faith, let this serve as a reminder that you cannot do everything in your own strength. When you feel overwhelmed by life, remember this. Sometimes God forces us to our knees so we have no other choice but to look up. Do not forget to look up, in prayer, often. It is a tremendous coping strategy that provides real benefits. For those of you who do not have faith and are struggling with anxiety and/or depression, this is not a judgment or condemnation. I merely pose this question. How has doing it your way worked for you so far? If you answered, “Not very well”, then I pose a challenge. Why not go to the Bible and start reading for yourself. The answers to life’s questions can be found there. Words of love and comfort can be found there. Once you read it, you start to feel God’s presence, and then you will feel so close to Him. He speaks to us through His word. Why not lend Him your ear and just see what happens?  Have faith everyone and God bless!

References:

American Psychiatric Association  (2016). Mental Health: A Guide for Faith Leaders. American Psychiatric Association Foundation, Arlington, VA

National Alliance on Mental Illness. Faith & Spirituality,  retrieved on 5/19/2016 from https://nami.org/Find-Support/Living-with-a-Mental-Health-Condition/Faith-Spirituality.

Verghese A., John J.K., Rajkumar S., Richard J., Sethi B.B., Trivedi J.K. Factors associated with the course and outcome of schizophrenia: results of a two year follow up study. Br J Psychiatry, 1990; 32:2-11.

Wills T.A., Gibbons F.X., Gerrard M., Murry V.M., Brody G.H., Family communication and religiosity related to substance abuse and sexual behavior in early adolescence: a test for pathways through self-control prototype perceptions. Psychol Addict Behav., 2003; 17:312-323.

Honesty Really is a Lonely Word

“Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue.” This is a line from Billy Joel’s haunting song “Honesty.” I often wonder why honesty is so difficult for so many people. I am not speaking about people we consider to be “evil” or “bad.” I have seen good people lie for all sorts of reasons. People lie to avoid hurting another person. People lie to protect another person or themselves. People lie to others because they lie to themselves. Lying provides a way for people to escape distress. The truth can be very difficult sometimes and it can cause us or people whom we love a lot of pain. It is human nature to want to avoid pain; therefore, by extension, can we not conclude that lying may also be a part of human nature?

Scripture has much to say about human nature and, unfortunately, it is not always very good. In Psalm 14:3 it says, “there is none who does good, not even one.” By good, of course, King David is referring to good as God sees it, not as we see it. According to Isaiah the prophet, our idea of righteousness does not even come near what God considers to be righteous, “All of us are like someone unclean, all our righteous deeds like filthy rags” (Isaiah 64:6). Over and over, the prophets of old speak about how we as humans are constantly going astray, or wandering off the path, or turning from God in our sins. We must unfortunately face the hard truth that humans are flawed beings and will commit sins that include dishonesty.

Does this mean we are not responsible for lying? If lying is part of human nature, then are we to simply accept when someone lies to us? NO! We are all responsible for our actions. We may be prone to lying, but scripture also tells us that we can choose another path. In Philippians 4:8-9, the apostle Paul instructs the congregation to actively choose to focus their thoughts on that which is “true, noble, righteous, pure, loveable, or admirable, on some virtue or on something praiseworthy.” In other words, he was telling everyone that because human nature tends to lead us astray, we are to actively guard our minds by directing our thoughts and actions towards that which promotes honesty and integrity. It is not always easy, but it is essential.

Let me share something I have learned in both my professional life and my personal life. The truth always comes out, even if it takes a while. This concept is not new. The prophets of old knew this centuries ago. In proverbs 10: 9 we are warned, “He who walks purely walks securely, but he who walks in crooked ways will be found out.”  If you learn nothing else from reading this, please pay very close attention to what I am about to say. Hiding the truth is not protecting anyone from anything. It actually compounds the distress. Hiding the truth creates within the withholder feelings of anxiety and guilt as they constantly strive to maintain the falsehood. It can create distance between people, because the one withholding the truth avoids loved ones to keep the secret. The one from whom the truth is withheld inevitably starts to feel the distance and may become anxious or depressed, wondering what the problem is. Then when the truth inevitably rears its head, the pain is compounded in the one being lied to by feelings of deep hurt, betrayal and anger. Basically, the withholder of truth is taking an unpleasant situation and making it into the most devastating reality to the one finding out the truth in a very sometimes traumatic fashion. Your lie could possibly turn into a relationship ender.

If you have lied or are currently in the process of withholding information, redemption is still available to you, but you must take responsibility for what you have done. If you are remorseful and confess that you have done wrong, God will forgive you. He searches the mind and the heart and knows if your remorse is genuine. The book of 1 John says, “If we acknowledge our sins, then, since He is trustworthy and just, He will forgive them” (1:9). Yes, God will forgive you; however, more than just a verbal confession is required. He requires actions. He requires us to turn from the sin and not repeat it. Furthermore, our loved ones may need a lot more time to forgive and trust again. Tell the truth, no matter how difficult it may be, and be consistently honest. Remember, lies by omission are still lies.

Finally, to those who have been the victim of dishonesty, I encourage you to try and stay your anger. For it says in Romans 3:23, “All have sinned and come short of earning God’s praise.” As stated earlier, humans are flawed and prone to make mistakes, sometimes huge ones. Most people do not purposely try and hurt those whom they love. In their distorted attempt to avoid spreading pain to those whom they love, they hide what they see as a very painful truth. I am not justifying nor am I condoning this. I am simply trying to impress upon you that all of us have messed up royally in our lives at one time or another. You are justified in your anger, but God wants you to forgive as He forgives you. If you are having difficulty forgiving, then seek help, either through therapy or even with a prayer partner. Do not give any more power to this lie than has already been given. Take away its power by forgiving. Remember, love covers a multitude of sins. God bless.

So, What About Elihu?

The wonderful thing about reading scripture is that you discover something new every time. God truly speaks to us through His Words. I had one of those experiences recently as I was finishing the book of Job. I am sure you have heard of Job from the Old Testament. For those of you who may not be familiar, Job was a righteous man who worshipped God faithfully. He had much good fortune. He was wealthy; he had a beautiful family and he was well respected by those who knew him. He did good deeds and he seemed to have wisdom that he was happy to share with others. Then, one day, Satan came to speak with God. God bragged about His servant Job, how righteous he was, but Satan dared God to test Job’s faith and see if he remained righteous. God allowed Satan to afflict him, but not kill him. The ensuing verses illustrated Job’s suffering.

Jobs children were killed, he lost all of his wealth and he suffered with horrible sores from head to toe. Job endured terrible suffering and everyone he knew was either dead or wanted nothing to do with him. Then 3 of Jobs friends, who were older gentlemen, decided to go see Job and attempt to comfort him. They were so taken aback by his appearance; they found themselves at a loss for words. They sat with Job for 7 days and nights without saying a word. Job continued to lament and question why he was being made to suffer. He cursed the day he was born.

Each of the friends attempted to make sense of what was happening to their friend. One tried to say that Job must be guilty of something, because the innocent prosper. He urged Job to confess whatever guilt may be hidden within him, but Job insisted his groaning was justified. Another friend warned Job to repent of his arrogance, because God’s ways are just and He always punishes the wicked. Job then raged about how there is no mediator between God and man and how unfair it was that he could not adequately defend himself before God. He also spoke about the unfairness of how the wicked prosper and he, who is righteous, is made to suffer.  Finally, the other basically tried to convince Job that things could be a lot worse. Job responded with more complaints, although, in spite of the fact that he questioned God’s purpose for making him suffer, his faith remained and he continued to hope that God would deliver him. He also became frustrated with his friends who were merely placating him and had no real idea about what they should say to Job to comfort him.

Now, in non-clinical terms, Job continued on with his pity party. He questioned God’s motives. He insisted that he was righteous and did not deserve what was happening to him. He lamented about the lack of wisdom in his friends. He railed against everyone and everything. The fact remained, however, that Job was a righteous man, but he was trying to figure things out with his finite human brain rather than really trusting that God did in fact have a purpose for all of this.

Then entered Elihu. It is funny how when I speak to people about the book of Job, everyone remembers Job and they even remember the 3 friends, but no one seems to remember Elihu. The ironic thing is that Elihu is very significant. He was a young man who listened to everything Job and his friends had to say, but God had given him a wisdom beyond his years. After respectfully allowing his elders to finish speaking, he was finally moved to speak. Elihu chastised Job for trying to justify himself instead of trusting in God’s perfect wisdom and judgement. He rebuked the older men who, for all of their years, definitely lacked wisdom. Then this young man proceeded to teach Job and the others that wisdom does not come from age, but it comes only through God’s lessons for us. He spoke about how sometimes God allows us to be afflicted to grab our attention. He explained how God has a perfect justice and we cannot possibly fathom His ways, nor should we try to. To do so is pure arrogance and God wants us to be humble. Only in humility can we be taught. He continues by extolling the greatness of the Lord.

If Job thought Elihu’s chastisement was bad, what he received from the Lord Himself was much worse, but it sure did the job. Job was humbled as he was never humbled before. He felt ashamed that he was leaning on his own understanding, when in fact, he did not have as much wisdom as he had thought. God then rebuked Job’s friends, because everything they said to Job was really not accurate. He ordered them to make an offering and Job to pray for them. God still loved Job and still saw him as righteous, so he restored to Job double what he had taken.

Now comes the question; so what about Elihu? Why was there no more mention of this very wise and righteous young man who ended up teaching his elders a very valuable lesson and who prepared Job’s heart for his encounter with God? Elihu’s words were so profound to me. He spoke of how everything we experience is for a purpose and, rather than questioning God, we should be looking for the lesson. He taught the very valuable lesson of humility and how any wisdom we have is granted by the grace of the Almighty. The lessons Elihu taught us are as important as the lessons we have learned from Job. To me, Elihu was God’s mouthpiece. Yet, we do not hear about him again.

What then can we conclude? My take is this. I have always said that wisdom does not come with age; age comes with age. Wisdom comes from our experiences and the willingness to learn from them. Elihu’s words absolutely confirmed that. He was young, but God gave him a wisdom that far surpassed his elders’. Although they had years under their belts, they did not acquire much wisdom. Elihu was able to receive God’s wisdom because he remained humble. Humility is the state in which our egos do not get in the way of learning and being grateful. I believe Elihu was not mentioned again because a humble person does not need recognition or accolades. A humble person does what is right regardless of whether anyone sees it. Elihu was not mentioned or singled out by God in any way, yet he served as His mouthpiece and he served an essential role in Job’s repentance and ultimate restoration. The next time you read about or speak about the story of Job, please do not forget the wise yet humble servant Elihu. He has shown us the wisdom for which we should all strive. God bless!

You Complete Me?: Learning to Break Free of Enmeshment

I have counseled many people over the years who have found themselves in very enmeshed relationships. Enmeshed relationships are those in which people maintain very loose or non-existent boundaries. This can occur within families, within friendships and within romantic relationships. The people who end up in these types of relationships are either people who are very controlling and need to control every thing and every one in their lives, or they are very dependent people who have a strong need to please others and have an aversion to hurting others’ feelings. Both of these types of people tend to have a weak understanding of who they are and tend to look to outside forces to find happiness or to have their needs met. They are often over-involved in each other’s lives. They cycle between very intense feelings that feel like deep love and strong feelings of resentment. If this resonates with you so far, please keep reading.

Enmeshment within a parent/child relationship can be very detrimental to the child. I was counseling a young girl, whom I will call Ellen, who had always been an over-achiever. Ellen excelled in everything in which she was involved, from academics to sports. She had lots of friends and a great boyfriend. It seemed everything always went her way. Then Ellen's boyfriend broke up with her, and she became what can be described as "unraveled."

As the counseling process continued, I learned that Ellen and her mother had a very close relationship-too close. He mother was very controlling and was involved in every aspect of her life. Ellen described this relationship to me as “suffocating.” She felt as if she had no individuality, that her mother was trying to live vicariously through her, and she partially blamed the loss of her relationship on her mother, whom she described as “the third person in our relationship.” Basically, Ellen never learned who she was separate from her mother, because her mother never allowed her to individuate. Ellen never developed coping strategies, because her mother was always swooping in and rescuing her from possible discomfort or pain. She even discovered that her choice of college majors was not her own, but her mother’s. Our work together consisted of her building a sense of self and self-esteem while learning to create healthy boundaries with her mother.

Enmeshment within romantic relationships can be just as harmful to those involved. I counseled a woman who was ensnared in a very toxic enmeshed relationship with a man who, based on her description of him, seemed as if he may have a borderline personality. Here is a disclaimer. I do not diagnose people I have never met and I always keep in mind that I am relying on a person’s description of another person, which may be distorted or skewed. I use the information simply as another therapeutic tool. Anyway, she described their first meeting as “love at first sight.” She spoke of a very intense connection and she found herself hanging on his every word. He was very passionate and attentive in the beginning. However, he then vacillated between passionate and powerful displays of love and desire to distancing behaviors. He pulled away, she chased after him, she pulled back and then he would chase her. It was a very unhealthy game of seeking attention and seeking to have the other fulfill unmet needs.

Over time, we discovered that the relationship brought back unresolved feelings she had towards her very abusive father. She realized that she had a very poor self esteem because of that abuse. Therefore, when she entered into this relationship that felt as strong as the most intoxicating drug, she was susceptible to becoming dependent on his displays of love and attention, because it was the first time in her life that she had ever felt that way. It was a long process for her to understand that she was worthy of someone who would treat her with respect, consistently and genuinely. She developed a better self-esteem over time and she learned to set healthy boundaries, and stick to them, with the people in her life. She learned that she did not have to sacrifice herself just to please other people and she learned that “no” is a complete sentence.

If you are still reading this, I can only assume that either you or someone you know may be in an enmeshed relationship. You also may be asking, “So what do I do about it?” Let me refer back to my use of the word “boundaries.” Boundaries are essential in any relationship. They are emotional limits that you have the right to establish with those in your life. Boundaries teach people how you are to be treated. They help you maintain a sense of individuality, because your thoughts, feelings and actions are not derived from nor are they dependent on another person. In order to have a healthy relationship, one must be a whole, individual person, with his or her own sense of self.

Happiness comes from within. Whenever anyone places too much responsibility for his or her happiness on another person, that relationship is unhealthy and most likely bound for disaster. Forget the romantic notion of “you complete me.”No one but you is responsible for your happiness. As far as I am concerned, the only one we should actively be trying to please is God. If you think you are involved in an enmeshed relationship, I urge you to seek the help of a professional who can help you learn about boundary setting and who can help you build your self-esteem. Learn to stand alone, put God first, and then you will have the kind of relationship you deserve. God bless!

Are You Walking The Line?

In my work with cancer patients, I see lots of people who strive to maintain a positive attitude once they have been diagnosed. After all, half the battle when fighting cancer is the attitude with which people choose to tackle what lies ahead of them. If they give up before they even begin, their outcomes can be very adversely affected. Positivity is an essential ingredient when facing cancer.  Having said that, I will share what I often tell me patients. There is a very fine line between staying positive and denying your feelings. You never want to do the latter. So how can people walk that fine line and avoid crossing over into the realm of denial?

Before I go further, I just want to say a couple of things about denial. Denial is not all bad. It actually serves a purpose. According to the Mayo Clinic, “denial is a coping mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing situations.” Denial basically can allow us to function in the face of a very distressing situation, such as being diagnosed with cancer. Life does not stop when something stressful is happening, so denial can allow us to attend to important tasks even in the midst of emotional upheaval.

Denial becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with or negatively impact our lives. I have a friend whose daughter was diagnosed with a very rare childhood cancer. He and his wife are the health nut types. They exercise, eat only organic foods and never believed in vaccinating their children. My friend is a very intelligent person, but when his daughter was diagnosed, he called me in a panic and asked what steps he needed to take. The doctors impressed upon him and his wife the seriousness of the situation and laid out a plan that included very aggressive chemotherapy, radiation therapy and surgery that could disfigure his daughter’s face. He fell into a type of denial that started to delay his daughter’s treatment. He was so fixated on the long term effects of chemotherapy and would not consent to commence treatment until he did his research and got a second opinion. He finally accepted the situation and, thankfully, after very aggressive treatment, his daughter is currently in remission. His denial, had it continued, could have literally endangered his daughter’s life.

I think we can understand the danger denial can pose, but dwelling in the distress can be equally dangerous. Over the years, I have seen many patients become noncompliant with treatment because they fell into a depression and or they were so paralyzed with fear and anxiety, they could barely function. Years ago, I had a patient who had thyroid cancer and she needed radiation therapy. She was so wracked with fear, that it took a lot of hand holding and Xanax to help her handle her treatment.  As the treatment, progressed, and after many counseling sessions, she started to calm down and eventually did wonderfully. The staff joked about how she won the “most improved patient” award. In her case, if she had remained stuck in her fear and distress, it could have negatively impacted her medical outcome. She was very close to forgoing treatment, but we gave her the attention and support she needed to face her fears and once she realized the treatment was tolerable, she relaxed.

So how then do we walk that fine line between staying positive enough to avoid allowing our fears and distress to overtake us and completely denying our feelings to the point where we start to avoid dealing with the things with which we simply must face? We must learn to sit with our distress. It is human nature to want to avoid or escape distress. No one wants to be in emotional pain. I often say to my clients who tend to deny their feelings that, short of physically killing you, you can handle the pain. I do not say that to be sarcastic nor do I say it flippantly. I say that to punctuate the point that in order for us to get through the emotional distress we feel, we must face it, deal with it and process it. We cannot get around it; we must go through it. In order to avoid staying stuck in it, however, we must also learn when it is time to stop indulging the negative thoughts. We need to recognize when the processing of the emotions turns into ruminating. At that point, it is essential to interrupt the negative thought cycle and start challenging faulty thinking. If you believe that you need guidance in walking this line, then please seek the help of a therapist.

Remember, you are never alone in your distress. There is no need to avoid your feelings by denying them and you do not need to let your distress overtake you. No matter what the situation, God has you in the palm of His hand. “In my distress I called to Adonai; I cried out to my God. Out of His temple he heard my voice; my cry reached His ears” (Psalm 18:6). Be positive, because positivity will only benefit you. Let yourself feel your feelings, no matter how unpleasant they may be, but do not stay stuck in them. Even in difficult times, there is still much joy to be had. You are walking a fine line, but you are never alone! God bless!