What Is Normal Anyway?

“Is this normal?” I wish I had a dollar for every time clients have asked me that very question. I will be completely honest with you; I have given up trying to figure out what “normal” is. I have learned that normal can be different for everyone. Quite frankly, I wish people would stop striving for “normal”. Whatever the situation with which you struggle, “normal” need not be your goal.

Ask yourself whether you are content, whether you are happy with the way things are, or be honest if something in your life is not working for you.  If you are not where you would like to be in your life, then make a plan to change your circumstances.  If you need assistance in creating an action plan, then do not be afraid to seek that help.

 Help can come in many forms. You can seek the wisdom and guidance of God through prayer and reading His word. Scripture has a lot to say about how we should view ourselves. Time and time again, God shows us that we should not view things through worldly eyes, but strive to see ourselves and each other the way He does. The Hebrew people were told that they not only should not be “normal”, but they were chosen by God to be set apart to be Holy. For example, in Deuteronomy 7:6 it says, “For you are a people set apart as holy for Adonai your God. Adonai your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the Earth to be His own unique treasure.” How beautiful is that? I guarantee that our idea of “normal” is nothing God would want for us.

Stop looking to other people and stop comparing yourself to what their “normal” looks like. There is a saying, “comparison is the thief of joy.”  Someone else’s “normal” may not be for you and if you are not what someone else’s perception of “normal” is  it is fine. You are a unique person with unique qualities. You may possess gifts and talents that others do not. God made you the way He wanted you to be. Listen to the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) when it says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Romans 12:2). Again, God is telling us that the world’s idea of “normal” is not where He wants us.

He wants us to transcend the ways of the world and show Him through us. King David was a very revered King. He was loved by his people, but he was far from “normal.” He was a very emotional man and expressed his passions without reservation. He was the writer of the Book of Psalms. In Psalm 1:1, he delights in not being normal. He knows his ways should be guided by the Most High, “How blessed are those who reject the advice of the wicked, don’t stand on the way of sinners or sit where scoffers sit!” Do not define yourself by other people’s standards of “normal.” Fix your sights higher. You are a unique creation who was made for a purpose. Even if you may not know that purpose yet, you are still worthy of happiness and joy.

If you believe that you need more guidance, then it is ok to seek the help of a professional. There may be lots of reasons you have not accomplished the things you want to accomplish. Please do not assume there is something wrong with you if you have not. I have a client who decided to withdraw from college for a semester because she was having severe anxiety and depression issues. She came home, came to therapy and, eventually, she felt strong enough to go back to school. She actually did quite well in spite of the fact that she had so many obstacles. Still, she realized that her friends had all finished college and were working towards their careers. She lamented about how she is not normal, how everyone else her age was moving forward with their lives. She completely failed to give herself the credit to know that she needed to take some time to build herself up and that choosing to withdraw was actually a very intelligent and insightful decision. She may not be “normal”, but she is quite awesome!

So people, here today, right now, I challenge you to change your thinking about what “normal” is. Please, stop torturing yourself by trying to figure out how to be other people’s idea of “normal.” Instead, figure out what you need to do to have joy. That is what God wants for us. If we fix our eyes on Him, we can have an abundance of joy, “For Adonai, what you do makes me happy; I take joy in what your hands have made” (Psalm 92:4). You do not need to be acceptable in the sight of mere humans. All that matters is who we are to Him who made us. We were not made by Him to blend into the world. We were made to be a light to a dark world. Let your light shine forth and stop worrying about being normal! What is normal anyway? God bless.

Know your W.O.R.T.H. (Women, Overcoming, Rotten, Thinking, Hallelujah) in GOD!

The Serenity Prayer: It Is Not Just For Addicts!

Another theme has emerged in my practice among my clients. It seems the need to control is the order of the day. Just recently, I had a discussion with a client about the fact that control is really just an illusion. We then discussed the Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr, which is as follows, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”  We all are familiar with this prayer and we know it is recited at Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous meetings as a sort of mantra to guide those recovering from addiction. I propose that we all can benefit from reciting this prayer as often as necessary. I hope you will indulge me as I take the time to dissect this prayer and really examine its meaning.

The first line impresses upon us the need for acceptance. Those of you who know me have heard me say or have seen me write about how acceptance is the key to freedom. We are so burdened by things over which we really have no control. We fight to maintain some sense of control over our universe in a desperate attempt to avoid distress. We become like a gerbil on a wheel, running and running, but getting nowhere. That which we cannot change, we simply must accept. We can learn from an experience and apply what we have learned to our present lives. This is wisdom.

We often get stuck in replaying an event, hoping to be able to somehow change the outcome. A client of mine is struggling with feelings of regret over past mistakes. He lives in perpetual anxiety because he is constantly living to right the wrongs of his life. The hard lesson he must learn is that, sometimes, we simply cannot right the wrongs and we must accept the consequences of our actions. He must accept that human beings will make mistakes and they cannot be undone, but wisdom can be gained from learning from the mistake. Wisdom simply cannot be acquired any other way.

Another trap people fall into is hoping that someone whom they love will somehow change. This is a big relationship pitfall. I try and teach my clients that, while you can hold someone accountable for bad behavior, you cannot change a person. Change can only come from within. We cannot make another person, do, say or feel anything. All we can control is ourselves and our reactions to things. I always say that if we can accept people for who they are, who they are not, and if we do not expect anything more than what they are capable of giving, then we will not be hurt or disappointed by them. Trying to control another person is the surest way to push him or her away and possibly lose that person.

The second line of the prayer reminds us that we do have power over some things. This is directed to those of you who constantly feel as if you are a victim, or that you are powerless over everything bad in your life. You may not be as helpless as you think. You can take your power back and start having a joyful life. Often, we are victimized because we are allowing ourselves to be. Please do not misunderstand what I am saying here. I am not referring to those who have been victimized by a crime. I am speaking of those who constantly complain that people “take advantage” of them or that others treat them badly. What one allows in cases like that is what will continue. If a person is constantly blaming other people or outside forces for all the bad things, then one is giving away his or her personal power. You are not a feather floating at the whim of the wind. You are a human being capable of setting boundaries! You can change the pattern of helplessness and resentment by asserting yourself, speaking up for yourself and saying NO once in a while! You can control whether or not you are a doormat.

Finally, the last line of the prayer is the goal to which I hope we all are striving. Instead of toiling and toiling to control everything, we need to seek discernment to know what is and what is not within our power. I have this discussion with the cancer patients with whom I work quite often. Some are constantly doing research and telling the doctors what they should or should not try. They are fighting for their lives; I completely understand that, but this need to control the outcome can interfere with negatively and impact their lives by causing anxiety, depression and stealing their present joy. I try to impart that, sometimes, all we can do is do what we can and release the rest to the doctors and God. God is the author and finisher of our lives and He knows the end from the beginning. We need to let go and trust that He will finish that which He has started in us, no matter what that looks like.

If you are constantly trying to control things that you cannot, you imprison yourself in a jail of anxiety and depression. Remember what Yeshua (Jesus) said in Matthew 6:34, “Don’t worry about tomorrow-tomorrow will worry about itself! Today has enough troubles already!” All we can do is recognize that we cannot control everything, but we can do what is within our power to do. After that, we need to let go and have faith. I know this is not easy, but it is necessary. It is all about finding the balance between accepting what is not within our control and not passively allowing life to just happen TO us. In other words, somewhere between controlling and passive is where we need to be. If you are living in a prison of anxiety because you are fighting for the control that you never really had anyway, I challenge you to free yourselves with the key of acceptance and live in serenity. It really is not just for addicts! God bless!

 

Passover and Deliverance

Tonight marks the first night of the Jewish holiday of Passover. Passover commemorates the story of the Exodus of the Jewish people, led by Moses, out of slavery in Egypt. Moses was chosen by God to take on the enormous task of convincing the hard-hearted Pharaoh to let the people go. It took plague after plague after plague, including the death of his son, to finally convince Pharaoh to let God’s chosen people out of the bitter bonds of slavery. Even after he decided to let them leave Egypt, once again, his cruel nature resurfaced and he ordered his army to chase after the people of Israel. God did a wondrous thing and parted the Red Sea so the people would have a path to their freedom.  

The people groaned with fear and cried to Moses, saying that it would have been better to remain in Egypt as slaves than to die in the desert this way. Then Moses answered, “Stop being so fearful! Remain steady, and you will see how Adonai is going to save you. He will do it today-today you have seen the Egyptians, but you will never see them again! Adonai will do battle for you. Just calm yourselves down!” (Exodus 14:13-14) As they continued to travel through the desert, they grew complacent and complained constantly. Yet, in His mercy, God always provided for them. When they had no food, God gave them mana from Heaven, sweeter than the sweetest honey cakes. When they had no water, he made water spring from a rock. Even Moses’s trust faltered; because of that, Moses was never able to enter the Promised Land.

Each year, we Jewish people celebrate the story of Passover with the Passover Seder. Throughout the ceremony and the meal are symbols of the exodus from the land of Egypt and the deliverance of the people from the bonds of slavery. We eat matzo, or unleavened bread. During the Seder, we also eat various foods that symbolize the tears of the people, the bricks they made in slavery and the Passover lamb that was slain so the people’s lives would be spared. The lamb’s blood was spread over the doorposts of the Israeli houses so the angel of death would pass over their homes and not take the first born living there.

Every time I think about what the people of Israel experienced and how they reacted to adversity, I am both in awe and completely baffled by their lack of faith and trust. They endured such harsh slavery at the hands of the Egyptians. Through it all, their faith in the God of Israel was so strong. He heard their cries and answered their prayers. He sent the deliverer, who was Moses. Each time I want to complain about having to give up hametz (leavening for bread) for a week, I think about the horrible conditions my ancestors had to endure and I basically suck it up and pay homage to them by eating cardboard, I mean matzo, for a week.

I honor them, but I am also perplexed by their wavering trust in the Lord who delivered them. Think about this for a second. They witnessed miracle after miracle. God directly and astoundingly answered their prayers for help. God saved them over and over again, yet they still complained! Sure, they repented at times. They acknowledged that their lack of faith was sin against the Most High. However, their human nature always seemed to make them grow complacent, even ungrateful. There were consequences for this ingratitude and lack of faith. Their journey to the Promised Land should have taken only days, but, as a consequence of their lack of trust, it ended up taking 40 years.

As baffled as I am by the people of Israel and their lack of faith, I cannot help but admit that we today are not much different. Yes, I include myself in that “we” statement. I wish we all could remember to keep an attitude of gratitude at all times. We have all endured difficult times in our lives; some have endured worse things than the people of Israel. We have also enjoyed wonderful moments of happiness and joy. In the difficult times, we need to be thankful, yes thankful! The hard times can make us stronger. They can draw us closer to God as we look to Him for strength, comfort and guidance. They make us appreciate the good things in our lives all the more.

We also need to remember that when things are good, we need to thank God for blessing us. For me, I believe that He is faithful and will always deliver me and those whom I love from whatever difficulties we face. I know that, although He may not have caused whatever bad thing that is happening, He most certainly will turn that bad thing for our good, because we love Him and He loves us.  In that sense, my faith is God’s deliverance for me from despair. His sacrifice on our behalf is His deliverance for us from sin and death. In spite of the fact that we continue to get complacent at times, He is always waiting for us to turn our eyes back to Him so that He can once again deliver us. So, today, I wish all who celebrate a Happy Passover. Remember the sacrifices that have been made that have enabled us to reach this season. Be thankful for God’s protection, His mercy, His faithfulness, His unwavering love and His deliverance!

Lead Your Heart

Do you believe the old adage, “follow your heart?” It sounds like a very romantic notion. It seems that whatever the heart wants, we should indulge. If we feel something so strongly, then it seems as if we should follow that emotional pull. Do you make decisions based on what your heart is telling you? Well, if you answered yes, please allow me to explain why this is not necessarily a good idea.

Sometimes, following our emotions is not the right course of action. If we allow our emotions to take over, we tend to lose our discernment. This can lead to trouble. Time and time again, all throughout Scripture, we are warned about the folly of being led by pure emotion without using sound judgement. In Proverbs 21:5 it says, “The plans of the diligent lead only to abundance;
but all who rush in arrive only at want.” If we do not take the time to think things through, we could cause much trouble and distress for ourselves.

As a therapist, I am constantly reminding my clients not to make a permanent decision based on temporary emotions. For example, I work with many couples who are dealing with the aftermath of infidelity. Often, those who cheat do so because they are following emotions. Although some of those who cheat do end up leaving their marriages, most realize they made a terrible mistake as they are faced with the destruction of their families. Many who cheat do so to escape some type of distress, whether that distress is within the marital relationship or within themselves. They seek the escape of the affair because they lack good coping and reasoning skills. They do not think about the ramifications of their behavior until it is too late. They cause devastation and pain because they followed their hearts and failed to take their brains with them.

It is so important to take a pause and think things through before we act. Emotions feel very strong at times, but if we allow them to lead us, we could be led into some troubling circumstances. The Bible provides countless examples of the harm that following emotions can cause. From the very beginning, in the book of Genesis, we see how Cain killed his brother because of anger (Genesis 4:8). In the book of 1 Samuel, Saul went mad with anger and jealousy over the fact that David had become God’s anointed and he had been rejected. He caused much tumult and a feud that dragged on and on.

I am not saying that emotions are wrong or bad. The Good Lord created us as emotional beings, some more emotional than others. However, He also gave us the ability to reason, discern and use logic. We may not always know what the right course of action is and, at those times, we are challenged to look to God and allow His Ruach (spirit) to guide us. One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.” The point is this. We may not always have the answer, no matter how much we reason out a situation or a problem, but we must always have control over our very strong emotions and not allow them to lead us in the wrong direction. In Galatians 5:22-23, Paul says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ humility, self control. Nothing in the Torah stands against such things.” Patience allows us to fully consider all available information. Humility is important to guard against acting in arrogance and self-control stops us from engaging in behaviors that result from strong emotions.

The lesson to be learned is very simple. Think before you act. Take a pause and really scrutinize whether your decision to act is based on the solid foundation of thought and self-control or whether you are walking upon the shaky ground of uncontrolled emotion. I am not suggesting that you suppress or completely ignore what you are feeling. Emotions can be very helpful, but they should be only one of many factors in your decision making process. I would like to end with a quote from the movie Fireproof, directed by Alex Kendrick. My feeling about the adage “Follow your heart” is summed up by this statement, “Don’t follow your heart, because it can be deceived. You have to lead your heart.”

What Will You Choose?

I was watching The Lord of the Rings this past weekend for the millionth time. I never tire of that movie. It illustrates the quintessential battle between good and evil. There are so many quotable moments in the film, but I wanted to share one scene in particular that has always stood out for me. In this scene, Frodo and Gandalf are speaking. Frodo says, “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.” Gandalf replies, “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

Frodo was given a task and a challenge that, at the moment, seem insurmountable. Frodo faces dangers that he could never imagine with is own mind. He is longing to return to the simple life he once knew, in which he had not a care in the world. Then, suddenly, his world is turned upside down and he is forced to find strength within himself that he was never sure he actually possessed. Yet, time and time again, he presses onward and faces his fears. In the end, with help and support from his friends, he emerges victorious.

Can you relate to how Frodo is feeling here? Have you ever been through a situation that seemed impossible to you at the start, but once you pressed forward, even with great trepidation, you faced your fears and conquered the task? I know I have. I also know I have been in situations that I wished I never had to be. I have had to witness some very sad and unpleasant things in my life. I know most of you reading this have as well. Let’s face it; bad things happen to good people all the time. It makes us question our faith at times. It tests our resolve and it makes us feel as if we have no control over anything.

This feeling of being out of control can paralyze us, make us fearful, kill our will to continue and steal our joy, if we allow it. For me, I have accepted that control is really just an illusion. We have complete control over very little in this life. Do not get me wrong; the things we can control, we need to control, like our behavior, for example. However, we simply do not have control over the major things that are unforeseen. That is where faith comes into play. Isaiah, the Old Testament prophet, was a strong example of God’s faithful. In Isaiah 40:28-29 he says with great passion, “Haven’t you known, haven’t you heard that the everlasting God, Adonai, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not grow tired or weary? His understanding cannot be fathomed. He invigorates the exhausted; he gives strength to the powerless.” Really look at what is being said here. God never fails. He sees everything and He is our strength in times of trouble. He provides what we need to face any trial we have to face. That is a promise He has always given us and I, for one, believe Him.

We all wish bad things would not happen to us or those whom we love, but just as Gandalf says, it is not for us to decide nor is it within our control. We do have choices though. We can lament about all the bad things that have befallen us and we can worry about the bad things that may befall us in the future, but all that does is steal the joy that we could be having, even during the darker times in our lives. The better choice is this. We can live in today and seek our present joy. We are reminded time and time again that all we have is today. Gandalf says that we can choose what to do with the time we are given. In Psalm 118:24 it says, “This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Bad things have happened and will happen again. That is a certainty over which we have no choice or control, but we can choose joy today and not waste a second of the time we have been given. Choose not to lament. Choose to be glad! God bless.

You Can't Please All of the People All of the Time!

I remember the first time I really felt rejected. I was around 4 or 5 years old. We were visiting my grandparents in Northeast Philadelphia. For those of you who have never been to Philadelphia, various neighborhoods in the city are made up of row houses. The backs of these houses consist of garages and cement driveways that back into an ally. Adjacent to the backs of houses are the backs of other houses. On this particular visit, we were outside sitting in folding chairs on the driveway and across the way was a bunch of kids playing in their driveway. I remember looking at them, so wanting to join them in their fun. My mother saw me looking over and she encouraged me to go over and ask if I could play with them. So, I did. I strolled over with excitement to ask if I could play with them, but before I could even get the words out of my mouth, they yelled at me, “Get out of here! We don’t want you!"

I do not have a ton of memories from that age, but now, almost 40 years later, I still remember that vividly. It stayed with me and affected my whole childhood. I became a very shy child, because the hurt from that rejection was so strong and I never wanted to feel that sting of rejection again.

 

Have you ever struggled with feelings of rejection? The pain of perceived rejection by those in our lives cuts through skin, bone and marrow, right to the farthest reaches of our soul. It hits upon our deepest insecurities; why am I not good enough? So how do we deal with those feelings? As a child, I became fearful of putting myself out there again. I took those kids’ behavior personally. That is what children do. In their naivety, they may not understand why someone else is acting in a hurtful way, so they try to make sense of it by blaming themselves. I saw this over and over again when I worked in Children and Youth Services as a caseworker. This was way before I had children of my own. I remember taking the children for supervised visits with their abusive parents and many of the children ran to their parents in spite of their horrific abuse or neglect. All they wanted was for their mommies or daddies to love them. The little ones made their parents’ behavior their own fault; they started to believe they were bad and “made” their parents do it. How sad I felt, but now, as a parent, it really makes me sad to know that my children may have personalized other people’s bad behavior and they may have thought it was because they were not good enough. I feel my children’s pain and hurts and I never want them to feel that way.


As adults, we have wisdom that children do not have. We can learn to depersonalize someone’s hurtful treatment of us. So how, you may ask, do we do that? First, we may need to recognize that we are using faulty thinking. In other words, although we may think we were rejected, that may not actually be the case. Test it. Ask the other if that was their intention. You may find that was not the case. However, in some cases, we may in fact have been rejected. That does not mean there is something wrong with us. Perhaps the other person has his or her own insecurities and something about us reminds him or her of them.  Perhaps personalities are incompatible.


There are many reasons why someone may turn from us. It happens to all of us at one time or another, but it does not mean we are not worthy. For every person who has rejected us in our lives, there are others who love us for the beautiful and wonderful things we have to offer. Of course, we have the most unfailing love of all in our Creator. In Jeremiah 31:3 it says, “I love you with an everlasting love.” Also in Jeremiah, the Lord says, “Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you.” (1:5). No matter what other people do or say to us, we belong to Him. We are so precious in His sight. What consequence then should the opinion of people have on us? I say NONE!

The bottom line is this; we just cannot please all of the people all of the time! We must first learn to love and accept ourselves for who we are. We must remember and be grateful to the One who made us for His everlasting, unfailing and unfathomable love for us. If God is with us, who can be against us? Once we can do that, rejection from another becomes nothing more than a temporary disappointment instead of a life-long burden of emotional pain. If you are feeling rejected today, I challenge you to shift your focus. Instead of ruminating on hurt feelings, focus on the people in your life who truly value you. Focus on the Living God and draw from His love and grace. They deserve your mental and emotional energy, not those who would cast you aside. You ARE loved! God bless!

Know your W.O.R.T.H. (Women, Overcoming, Rotten, Thinking, Hallelujah) in GOD!

Perception is Truth

I was thinking about the time I was a camp counselor at a day camp. It was the summer I turned 17. My teen years were wrought with insecurities. I battled acne, both on my face and my back. I was so embarrassed about it. I had long hair so I was always careful to make sure my hair covered my back. Anyway, most days, a friend of mine named Leah, who was also a counselor, and I would lie by the pool during our breaks. I felt like a hag next to her. She was tall and very exotic looking. All of the guys at the camp drooled over her, but she was very nice.

When I first started at the camp, I met Jen. She was bubbly, funny, and smart and everyone at the camp knew and liked her. I admired her. I really wanted to get to know her, because she was just one of those people you liked to be around because she always made you laugh. We eventually became really good friends. One day, she shared with me that when she first met me, she was so jealous of me. She told me she would see Leah and me lying by the pool, with our “perfect bodies and gorgeous hair and faces” and she wanted to hate me. She said that once she got to know me, she could not hate me. I was blown away! There I was feeling awkward and ugly, admiring Jen and wanting to be her friend and, all the while, Jen was thinking I was some hottie that all the guys wanted to date. She thought that I would never want to be friends with her because she thought I thought I was in a different league than her. Her perception of me initially and my perception of myself were very, very different.

I share this story because I want to address the perceptions people form of one another. Often, the perceptions are based on whom a person thinks the other is and not necessarily on whom the person actually is. I think it is human nature to form opinions of others based on what we see. I have been guilty of this myself. One time, my family and I went to a popular quick serve restaurant and the young man at the counter had those earlobe gaugers in his ears. I first thought to myself, “Man, that is gross.” Then I made all kinds of unfair judgments about what the kid must be like; however, I immediately felt convicted after he spoke. He was a very articulate and polite young man. He did not seem like a loser or a derelict, as I , and I am embarrassed to admit, believed him to be.

We can also judge people in a more positive light than they may deserve. Just because someone is attractive on the outside does not mean they have a good heart or a good nature. In 1 Samuel 16:7, Samuel was looking for God’s anointed one to rule over Israel. He saw a very tall, strapping man and thought he must surely be the one. Then God told him, “Don’t pay attention to how he looks or how tall he is, because I have rejected him. Adonai doesn’t see the way humans see-humans look at the outward appearance, but Adonai looks at the heart.” Who a person is on the inside always shines forth, whether good or bad, but if the one perceiving has formed an opinion based on his or her own biases and judgments, the true essence of a person can be missed.

I have a client who struggled with feelings of hurt and rejection because some of her coworkers treated her badly. She could not understand why they disliked her so, because they really did not know her or had any extensive conversations with her. One day, she shared her feelings with me as tears welled up in her eyes. I told her not to take this behavior personally, because it was not her whom they disliked. After all, my client  is a beautiful person, from the inside out, and she is a positive person whom many people love and admire. The person they disliked is the person they invented her to be, for whatever reason. Perhaps they were jealous because my client  has had a lot of good fortune come to her. She had just gotten engaged and had a beautiful engagement ring. Perhaps they were intimidated by her, because she is also very intelligent. Whatever the reason, they concocted  some fictitious narrative of who my client is so they can justify in their minds their despicable behavior. After all, how can you not like someone you do not even know?

So, what then is the moral of the story? It is not simply the old adage, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” The lesson to take from this is that perception is our truth. How we perceive things becomes our reality. For me, I never want to feel convicted like I did that day in the restaurant. Before you make a judgment about a person, at least take the time to get to know him or her first. You may find that person is not at all who you thought that person was. By taking the time to get to know a person’s heart, you may either find a person whom you respect and admire, or you may realize the person is not someone you want in your life after all. Do not let perception be your truth. Let reality be your truth. God bless!

Know your W.O.R.T.H. (Women, Overcoming, Rotten, Thinking, Hallelujah) in GOD!

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

I felt moved to speak about grief and mourning. These are part of the human experience. Just as we are to experience joy, happiness and laughter, we are also fated to experience sadness, grief and mourning. This is not something to fear, nor is it something over which we have any control. Everything has a purpose in this life, even the pain caused by loss. The pain of loss makes us grow stronger. It helps us to focus on what really matters in life and it makes us appreciate the good in our lives all the more.

The grief and mourning are a result of loss. Loss comes in many forms. One form of loss is the physical death of someone we love. Part of my job as an oncology social worker is counseling the loved ones of our terminally ill patients or loved ones of patients who have passed. I support them in their pain. I explain that I do not have any magic words that will take the pain from them, although I would speak them if I had them. I help them to sit in their grief and understand that grief never really disappears completely; it becomes a constant companion. At times, that companion is ever present and, other times, it is a mere background figure. I try to help them accept that grief is a journey and there is no way around it. You must go through it. I try to reassure them that with time and faith, they will come to a place of acceptance and they will find a new normal in which joy can be felt once again. In Psalm 34:19 it says, “Adonai is near to those with broken hearts; he saves those whose spirit is crushed.” I find great comfort in these words.

Loss can also come when a life changing event occurs. When a traumatic event befalls someone, so much which is not of the physical is lost. One can feel the loss of a sense of self. One can feel the loss of the life he or she once knew. One can feel the loss of innocence, of purity, of security, of ability, of normalcy and of happiness. When I counsel clients who have experienced the loss of a marriage, their feelings of grief are every bit as strong as if they had lost a loved one to a physical death. Divorce can make people feel so isolated and empty. Often, one’s very identity may be wrapped up in being a spouse and when that is taken away, especially if it was not by choice, that person can struggle with finding a sense of who he or she is again. They also may struggle with trying to figure out how they can ever feel safe and secure again, as financial difficulties arise. Another loss they may experience is the loss of status, as they may lose friends in the divorce.

Divorce is but one example of a traumatic event that sparks feelings of loss. Other examples include, but are not limited to, a job loss, retirement, diagnosis of a serious illness, being the victim of a crime, experiencing infidelity or some other type of betrayal, experiencing a natural disaster, or being involved in a serious accident. The list is really endless.  All of these things cause some type of loss of what a person once new to be true. All of these things cause a loss of the sense of control we once felt over our lives. I have a news flash for you; control is an illusion.

So, what then do we do with all of this heavy information? Here is my take. I have come to an acceptance that, in life, there will be difficulties. I have experienced loss and I most certainly will again. There are not many certainties in life, but that is one we all can bank upon without question. How we choose to deal with loss can be within our control. For me, my faith in God is my lifeline. “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble,” as it says in Psalm 46:1-2. I know with absolute certainty that God will be my fortress, my Rock, my support and He will always be with me. I know His unfathomable love for me will carry me through the difficult times, as it has many times before in my life. His Word is as sweet as honey and as comforting as a mother’s arms when I am filled with despair. I know He will always use my pain for my good somehow, some way and that makes me feel so blessed to be a child of the Living God. I will close with this and may these simple words comfort you, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)

Own It!

It is confession time. One of my biggest pet peeves and hot button issues is when people play the victim all the time. I am not speaking of someone who is legitimately victimized, so let me make that distinction. I am speaking about people who make mistakes and blame other people for them. I am talking about passive aggressive people who have an issue with someone or something, but instead of dealing with it properly, they stew about it and complain about it and become so miserable because of it that it becomes unbearable to be around them. I am here to tell those people that blaming others for your mistakes, actions, inactions and emotions is not only unproductive, but it is giving away your personal power and your opportunity for growth.

I have spoken many times about owning our mistakes. I have also said this before, but it bears repeating. We are human; we are going to make mistakes! We do not need to walk around in constant shame and condemnation, but we do need to repent and look at our mistakes, own them, learn from them and not repeat them. If we do not own how we have contributed to a situation that caused problems for ourselves or others, or caused pain, then how can we possibly change the behavior? We cannot acquire wisdom if we do not allow ourselves to learn from our follies. In Proverbs 12:1 it says, “He who loves knowledge loves discipline, but he who hates correction is a boor.” Humble yourselves and take correction. I know I would rather be wise than boorish.

When we make mistakes, it is not enough to simply admit to that mistake and do nothing about it. Repentance requires actions. We are responsible to take action once we have owned our mistakes. When I counsel couples, there seems to be a running theme of spouses acknowledging mistakes but repeating the actions that caused pain to their spouse. They say sorry for whatever offense has been done to the other, but they continue to repeat the said action. I try and teach them that an apology is not supposed to be a bunch of empty words. An apology has multiple essential components. We must 1) say the words, “I am sorry”, 2) acknowledge the hurt that our actions caused, and 3) we must make amends by CHANGING THE BEHAVIOR! Without all 3 components, an apology is meaningless. Take responsibility for your bad behavior by changing it.

Inaction can be just as harmful. I mentioned before the phrase “passive aggressive.” People who are passive aggressive are usually the ones who hate confrontation. They avoid it like the plague. I certainly do not love confrontation, but I believe it is ridiculous to stew about something that is bothering me because it only hurts me further. I choose to take responsibility for my feelings by expressing them or dealing with the situation that is causing me distress. Even if the problem is not resolved, at least I can walk away knowing that I stood my ground and did my part to resolve the matter. Passive is just not my thing. I also know that anger turned inward becomes depression. Your thought life tends to revolve around the bad feelings caused by this situation you are too avoidant to address. The next thing you know, you become a miserable person, feeling like the world is against you and you think you are powerless to stop it. Is that really how you want to live? Why are you giving away your personal power? Of what are you afraid? In Psalm 118:6 it says, “With Adonai (God) on my side, I fear nothing-what can human beings do to me?”

Today, I challenge you to stop playing the victim; take back your personal power and own your behavior. You do not have to walk around flogging yourself in shame. All you need do is examine where you went wrong, repent, apologize with words and action, and own your behavior. If you do this, you will take back the personal power you have given away by denying your mistakes or by blaming them on some extraneous situation or person. If you refuse to do this, you will remain stuck in misery. You will remain emotionally immature because you will be denying yourself the opportunity to gain wisdom. Wisdom comes through learning, not osmosis. In that sense, it is a good thing to make mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities for growth. Do not deny them. Own them! Allow yourself to be everything God intended you to be. Stop playing the victim and do not be a boor! God bless!

Choose Courage

I would like to take a look at courage. Dictionary.com defines courage as “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.” That definition seems reasonable enough; however, I propose that courage can co-exist with fear. To me, courage is the ability to overcome one’s fear and do what is causing the fear anyway. Courage is not allowing one’s fear to stop one from accomplishing a task. Sometimes, that courage is found when one least expects it.

As an oncology social worker, I witness people transforming into courageous people. Being diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness can challenge the strength and emotional resolve of even the strongest person. I have watched people who thought their lives were over, who thought life would never be good again, and who thought they would never be able to face what they were about to face, become as bold and as brave as a soldier facing a long and dangerous battle. In the face of a circumstance in which the outcome is basically out of their control, I have seen people find a courage within themselves they never thought they possessed. Some of them conquered the disease and some did not, but that courage carried them through the process and made them stronger and wiser people.

Sometimes, we need to look to God to help us find that courage and that is not only perfectly acceptable, but it can also be absolutely necessary. We cannot do everything in our own strength. The lord wants us to look to Him for security and support. We would never be able to proceed with the fear we feel in our humanness if not for the knowledge that God will carry us. In Deuteronomy 31:6 God said to the people of Israel as they faced their enemies, “Be strong, be bold, and don’t be afraid or frightened of them, for Adonai your God is going with you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”  They had seen time and time again how God had saved them from calamities. They saw miracle after miracle being performed by God, yet, in their humanness, they continued to lack courage. God gave them the ability to press forward, even with their fear, and become victorious.

Over and over again, all throughout the Scriptures, people feared as they faced great danger, but God told them they did not have to fear because He was with them. As a matter of fact, it is the prevailing opinion that some variation of “fear not” is repeated in the Bible 365 times. As a disclaimer, I have not personally confirmed this, but I can confirm that God telling us not to fear is a major theme in both the Tanakh (Old Testament) and the New Testament. It was human nature to feel fear, but God was constantly reminding people that although in their own strength they may feel fear, they did not have to allow that fear to stop them because He was with them.

So how can we apply this to our own lives? I understand that not everyone reading this may believe in God, but these words are still relevant to you. I will repeat that courage and fear can co-exist. Courage is the ability to move forward even with the fear. Like the cancer patients with whom I work, we sometimes have no choice but to press onward. We have fear, but we do not have to allow that fear to paralyze us. We feel afraid, but we do the thing we have to do in spite of that. In case you have not caught the message yet, courage is a choice. Yes, we can choose to be brave. We can also choose not to be brave and we can give into the fear. We all have done that at various points in our lives. For me, when I allowed my fears to stop me from accomplishing something, I felt defeated, regretful and ashamed. Conversely, when I faced my fears and pressed forward, whether I was successful or not, I felt victorious, accomplished and proud. So let me end with this. Fear is not pleasant. It is understandable to want to avoid facing something so unpleasant; however, I suggest that regret and shame feel far worse. For me, I seek God when I am afraid and I press forward knowing He is with me. I choose courage. What will you choose? God bless!