About a week after the major symptoms of pain and finger swelling hit me, I had a massive meltdown, a full-fledged pity party of gigantic proportions. I wallowed in self-pity, crying and asking why is this happening to me and declaring that I was too young to have to be dealing with this. That was on a Sunday. On the following Monday after I returned to work at the cancer center, I realized the pity party must end, I repented to God for my temporary questioning of His purpose in my life, and I thanked Him for my many blessings. I realized, yes my hands hurt and my fingers are a little bigger than they were, but they still work. Heck, I still have my hands. I also reminded myself that I have always had a high pain tolerance and otherwise, I am extremely fit and healthy. I knew I could handle it and that God would continue to be my Rock and my strength.
Just yesterday, my coworker and I were talking about this. She is a cancer survivor herself. When I said to her, "Even though I wake up every morning in pain and can barely move my fingers, eventually I can and my hands still work." She added, "and you wake up every morning." Coming from her, the meaning of that statement was very deep, because she very nearly did not have the chance to continue to wake up every morning.
Some of the patients with whom I work have very few mornings to wake left. Just yesterday, I sat with the sister of a patient who has stage 4 lung cancer that has spread to her brain. We were discussing the best means of transportation, as she can no longer walk. I see, almost daily, once vibrant people slowly decaying from the inside out, not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. Those reminders keep me from staying in my pity party for too long.
So, what is the point of this blog post, you may be asking. I would like to convey the following. We are human. We are always going to have a reaction to bad things that happen to us. That is normal. We are allowed to feel angry, sad, or scared when we are dealing with adverse events. It would be weird if we did not. We have to make room for processing these emotions, because ignoring them or suppressing them do not make them go away. Doing either only creates more problems, because emotions find their way out some how and not always in the best ways if they are not dealt with directly. So, even though I repented for my pity party, I know God has forgiven me and He also knows that we humans are imperfect beings. We both have gotten over my little meltdown.
I also want to convey that although it is necessary to allow yourself your pity party, it is equally important to not stay in the pity party for too long. It is far too easy to cross the line from the normal processing of negative emotions to becoming stuck in the negativity. There will always be trials and tribulations. That is one of the things we can all pretty much count on in life, but there will also be blessings, lots and lots of blessings. These blessings can easily be missed if you remain at your pity party too long. I would have missed the blessing of still having my awesome coworker around had I chosen to prolong my pity party. If you find that you cannot leave the pity party on your own, please seek the help of a trained professional to guide you out of it. Just remember, without pain, we may not ever know the joy and blessings we have or will have. Pain is a great teacher and character builder, if we allow ourselves to emerge from the pity party. So cry if you want to, but not for too long! God bless!
