To the Main Worrier in my Life:

I used to be quite the worrier. If there was nothing to worry about, you can bet I would find something. It was as if the state of perpetual worry was normal and, if I was not worried, I felt a sense of impending doom, like the proverbial shoe was about to drop. I could never just enjoy the moment or embrace a state of peace, because I felt as if I needed to constantly be prepared for something bad to happen. Then, a few years ago, I realized why. It was because of my upbringing. In my home, I was indirectly taught that if you love someone, you are supposed to worry about that person and, if you were not worrying about the person, then your love was not strong enough or you were somehow neglectful.

This way of thinking stayed with me long after my children were born. I became a helicopter mother or, what I call a “smother”. Here is an example of my smothering. When my kids started pre-school, I could never just drop them off and go home. The preschool was about 25 minutes from my home. I catastrophized about all the things that could happen that would make me late picking them up from school. I pictured them traumatized, crying in the classroom wondering where I was. So, I hung around and tried my best to kill 3 hours. When I think about all the things I could have gotten done at home instead of wasting my time meandering around the kids’ pre-school, I could really kick myself.

Even when there is something to legitimately worry about, I still find no utility in it. I have decided to make a conscious decision to maintain hope instead of ruminating on all of the horrible things that could happen. This does not mean that I am oblivious to the things that can go wrong or that I am in some type of denial. I just choose to put my faith in God and trust that He will take care of the situation and make it turn out to the benefit of those whom I love. I choose to let my faith overpower my fear.

I have a family member, who will remain nameless, who also has great faith; however, I think reminders are needed from time to time. This person tends to call me and speak over and over about the same worries and fears, expecting me to somehow either comfort her or be dragged down into the worry pit with her. Well, if she is reading this (and I venture to guess that she knows this is directed towards her), I would like to say my days of talking and talking and talking about things are over. I now choose to pray about it. Talking and worrying about it constantly do not solve the problem. If anything, they compound the problem, because after a conversation like the ones we have had many times, the problems still exist and then I feel ten times worse. I love you, but I cannot allow that anymore. We can talk, but we will not ruminate on the bad. We will trust the promises God makes to us.

Remember it says in Psalm 55:22, “Unload your burden on Adonai and He will sustain you.” Do you not believe Him? Well, if you do not, I will believe Him for the both of us. I can do nothing in my own strength. I will not lean on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6). Instead of worrying, I will remain focused on the fact that the Lord has plans for a future and a purpose for the ones about whom you are worried (Jeremiah 29:11). Even when fear starts to rise up in me, I will remain focused on His promise that He is our God and He will strengthen us with His righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). When will you allow your faith to overpower your fear? I just want you to know that I love you and everyone else in my life and just because I do not want to crawl into the worry pit with you does not mean that I love you, or anyone else, any less. It just means that I trust in God more than I fear the future. I hope you understand and crawl out of the pit. We all know you love us just the same.

Get Out of Your Head!

“Guilt is the past; worry is the future and they both rob you of today.” That is one of my favorite mantras. For me, it is a great reminder to stay in the present. If we are feeling guilty, we are most likely thinking about whatever mistakes we may have made in the past. We spend our time thinking about actions we regret and lamenting about how those mistakes affected us or people we love. If we are worrying, then we are most likely projecting into the future, thinking about the myriad calamities that can occur. It is as if we believe that, in thinking about every possible contingency, we can somehow control the outcome. Guilt and worry do nothing more than keep us trapped inside our heads and away from our present lives.

Guilt is such a waste of emotion. I am not saying that we should have no conscience or that we should feel no remorse if we have hurt others, but guilt becomes problematic when we inappropriately punish ourselves because of something we did in the past. What a precious waste of time that is. If you have learned from your mistake and you have made efforts not to repeat the behavior, then it is time to forgive yourself and let it go. The Bible reminds us of this quite frequently. For example, it says in Isaiah 43:18, “stop dwelling on past events and brooding over times gone by.” In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul is a tremendous example of how we should let go of the past and focus on our present goals. He of all people should have understood this since he was completely transformed by God. When he said, “but one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead” (Philippians 3:13), he was reminding us that the past can keep us stuck. In order to press forward and achieve our goals, we need to let the past go and fix our eyes on the present.

Worry is also a waste of time and energy. Corrie tem Boom said, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.” Worry sucks the very life out of you because it creates such intense feelings of fear and anxiety. Think about what you are doing when you spend so much time in your head projecting into a future that has not yet occurred and a future over which you really have no control. Not only are you imprisoning yourself, as you are locked within your mind’s eye, but you are causing yourself harm. You cause yourself to think of the very worst case scenarios and then your body viscerally goes through the emotions as if the terrible event is already occurring. I find that very often, what actually occurs is never as bad as what we imagine. Again, this is such a precious waste of time. In Luke 12:25, this question is posed, “Can any of you by worrying add an hour to his life?” If anything, worrying only subtracts from our lives and adds nothing good.

I have learned from working in oncology the absolute necessity for people to master crawling out of their heads and staying in the present. Cancer patients have every reason to project and worry. As they are faced with their mortality, they naturally reflect upon their lives and often find themselves feeling tremendous guilt and regret over past mistakes or missed opportunities. To me, this is so very sad, because they are ruining their present and wasting the time they have left to spend with those whom they love. Even in the midst of darkness, joy can be found and life is still worth living, but how can one live it while shackled to the past or stuck in a never ending haze of catastrophe? I leave you now with this encouragement, “This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24). God bless!

Reflections on Shavuot

Tomorrow evening marks the Jewish holiday of Shavuot, or feast of weeks. It falls 50 days after the first day of Passover. It celebrates the giving of the Torah to Moses on Mount Sinai. In Biblical Times, Shavuot was one of 3 holidays in which the Jewish people were required to come to the Temple in Jerusalem and bring the first fruits of their harvest. Christians may recognize this holiday as Pentecost, which is the Greek word for fiftieth.  Remember, everything from the New Testament first originated in the Old Testament.

Shavuot is very special because through the Torah, God spoke to His people. It was a covenant sealed through His word especially for His beloved children. The Torah has bound Jews everywhere together for thousands of years. Pentecost bound Christians and Jews together even further. This bond is special because this is what God wants for all of His people, just as He wants us bound to him.

For Jewish people, the Torah is direct communication from God. It holds within it instructions for life. It teaches how to live a life with morals, ethics and values. It teaches humans how to dispense perfect, Godly justice. Fairness, responsibility, empathy, service to our fellow humans, discipline, respect, honor, love and forgiveness are all taught in Torah. Precise instructions as to how to achieve these attributes were given by Abba Father to His children. To Christians, Pentecost marks the moment the Ruach HaKodesh, or Holy Spirit, descended upon those who believed that Yeshua (Jesus) was the Messiah and Son of God. People suddenly were able to speak in different languages and understood one another as never before. Again, the Holy Spirit was given, just as the Torah before that was given, so that God could communicate with His people and instruct them in the way they needed to live. Both the Torah and the Holy Spirit were and are gifts from a Father to His children.

Shavuot and Pentecost have an even deeper connection. Jewish people think of Moses receiving the Torah as a covenant like that of marriage. It was a sacred pact and promise between God and the people of Israel that He would be their God and they would always be His precious people. At Pentecost, the Holy Spirit reinforced this covenant and was extended not only to Jewish people but also to the nations. A Father’s love allows for the adoption of many into His Kingdom.

When I sit and ponder the love that our Creator has for us, I become so emotional. I feel sometimes that I am not worthy of this kind of love, that I do not deserve it, but then I want to honor that love by being the best I can be. I honor that love by valuing myself, by accepting myself, flaws and imperfections and all, and I strive to share that love with others, because His love lives within me.  He wants me to be an example and a light to others. I try and teach others to value themselves, especially if they know the love of God, but even if they do not, they can still feel it through me. I try to see others as God sees them, so I can let go of anger and resentment. I am not always successful, because I am human and sometimes my humanness gets in the way of Abba’s love, but the great news is that God’s gift keeps on giving. His mercy is new every day and he continues to give us another chance to get it right.  Tomorrow evening, as Shavuot begins, I challenge you to allow yourself to receive the love of God. Let that love drive out the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the insecurity, and the negativity in your soul. See yourself the way God does and value yourself, if for no other reason,  to honor Him and the covenant He has made with all who love Him. If you know that kind of love, you cannot possibly ever doubt your worth and value again. God bless!

Change is Coming.

Why is change so hard? I have often heard that the hell you know is better than the hell you don’t know. That does not quite sit well with me though, because I am basically a positive person. That has such negative connotations. Change is scary, but change can be good too.

I often have clients come to me who realize they are “stuck” and are so unhappy, yet, week after week, they fail to implement steps towards changing their situation. It can really leave you scratching your head wondering why on earth they favor staying in their misery instead of putting in the effort to try for something better. I have a client, whom I will call Burt. Burt has been coming to me for several years now. For the longest time, he would complain about how empty his life was, how depressed he was and he would talk about changes he would like to make. Session after session, he was like a broken record. We discussed plans of action, but he rarely followed through with the actions. Only recently has he shown more effort and motivation, but it is progress nevertheless.

In Burt’s case, he became comfortable in his mental illness. He used it as a crutch. Rather than admitting that he may not have been putting forth the effort to improve his life, it was easier to simply blame his mental illness and stay stuck. Although he was not happy, his little safe “box” of a life is all he had known for so long. The prospect of something different scared him. Perhaps it was because he was afraid to fail. Perhaps it was because he was afraid more would be expected of him and he was scared to disappoint people. Whatever the reason, Burt was afraid to push himself outside of his comfort zone and try for real change in his life.

It is human nature to want to avoid distress and fear certainly breeds distress, but is it not just as distressing to remain in a situation that makes you miserable or that gives you no joy? Does it not take effort anyway to move from day to day, trying to survive the misery, only to stay in the same unhappy and dismal place? If you put forth effort to change your situation, sure, it may be hard. It may take a very long time, but at least you would have the hope of something better. When you feel stuck, hope is something not very easy to come by.

I myself am about to undergo a change. I am scared, but there is also an underlying excitement and hope for great things to come. My faith is a big part of why I can press forward, feel fear, but do it anyway. I also look to scripture for comfort. Isaiah 43:19 says, “I am doing something new; it’s springing up-can’t you see it?” How exciting! Another scripture that always comforts me and gives me tremendous hope for the future is Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know what plans I have in mind for you, ‘says Adonai, ‘plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future.” How awesome is that?

If you are reading this and you feel stuck and afraid to face change in your life, please take what I said to heart. I know it is scary to face the unknown. I know you may be afraid of failing or disappointing people, but please remember this. Success can never come without failure. Failure is just another opportunity to learn. As far as worrying about disappointing people, please stop. Those who love you unconditionally will love and support you no matter what. Reach out to them and accept their support as you take steps to change your life for the better. Do not be afraid. You have a purpose and God has big plans for you, you just have to make the decision to step outside of your comfort zone and do it afraid. You can do it! God bless.