It is human nature to
want to feel as if we are in control of everything in our lives. We want to
feel in control of our finances, our safety, our successes, our health, and the
list goes on. There may be nothing scarier than the vulnerability of feeling as
if that sense of control is slipping away. So many spend every waking moment
striving to hold on to that control. Some become completely ruled by the need
to control their environments. Under the relentless pursuit of being in control
lingers deep-seated fear. The very thing they think will make their lives more
tolerable is the very thing that is destroying any feelings of joy and
happiness.
I have some scary
questions to pose. What if we never really had the control we thought we did?
What if we are walking around as these vulnerable creatures who are deluding
ourselves into believing we can control everything that happens to us or the
people we love? What if we actually have control over very little in our lives?
Here is another question; what if accepting that we have such little control
actually frees us and lightens our burdens? See what I did there? I switched it
on you!
Folks here is the truth.
Control is a mere illusion. Don’t get me wrong, of course, there are some things
within our control. We can control our behaviors. We can control what we eat.
We can control when we go to bed, what we watch on TV, whom we allow to be our
friends, etc. The things over which we have little control are the big picture
things. Working in the oncology field has really taught me this lesson. I will
never forget a patient I met a few years ago. She had just been diagnosed with pretty serious breast cancer and chemotherapy was recommended. She carried on
about how she is a vegan and only eats organic foods. She refused to allow “that
poison” (chemotherapy) into her body. The doctor went back and forth with her,
trying to educate her about treatment guidelines and how the chemotherapy was
proven to be effective in clinical trials. After several minutes of this, I
interjected. I looked her straight in the eye and praised her for her excellent
health habits. Then I said, “So you have gone to great lengths to control
everything that has gone into your body. You did all the right things, but you
still got cancer.” Her response was a few seconds of silence and then she
quietly said, “You’re right.”
You see, her belief that
she had control over her health by meticulously controlling what foods went
into her body was all an illusion. I am sure that her lifestyle made her feel
good and she was probably in generally good health, but there were factors
beyond her control that led to her getting breast cancer. When she finally
relented, it was because she finally accepted that reality. Once she came to
that acceptance and let go of her illusion of control, it freed her to trust in
her doctors and participate in her own treatment plan. The burden of believing
that she had complete control over the functioning of her body was lifted.
That was but one example
of how we are fooling ourselves into thinking absolute control is achievable.
When we spend our lives constantly micromanaging and planning every detail, we
are the ones who become controlled by our own faulty thinking. Some people fall
into the trap of magical thinking. For example, the rituals of one who suffers
from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) are meant to give them a sense of
control over their environment. However, what ends up happening is the rituals
become all-encompassing and completely inhibit the person from living a normal
life. The very thing this person believes will alleviate his or her anxiety is
actually the main cause of his or her distress. The ultimate goal for a person
like this is for him or her to come to an acceptance that he or she does not
really have the control he or she thinks he or she has and then learn to cope
with the feelings of vulnerability that brings. What people eventually realize
is that while that vulnerability is uncomfortable and even scary at times, that
distress pales in comparison to the distress they caused themselves while
pursuing the unattainable illusion of control.
I am not suggesting that
everyone who wants to be in control has OCD; that was simply an illustration of
how the desire to control causes us distress. What I am saying is this. It is
ok to acknowledge that there are some things over which we have no control because the acceptance of that truth is very freeing. Rather than spending all
of your mental energy chasing the control that you never really had in the
first place, you can direct that energy into living your life to the fullest.
Instead of seeking control, seek joy. Instead of using rituals to give yourself
a sense of security, try praying and asking God to take your burden. There were
so many events in my life that showed me how letting go of the things over
which I had no control and placing them into God’s hands gave me a peace that
allowed me to press forward. If this topic resonated with you, I pose this
challenge. Let go of your illusion of control. Realize that there are limits to
what you can control. Accept this truth and realize that a good outcome doesn’t
solely rest upon your shoulders alone. Free yourself and find peace. Don’t fall
victim to the great human illusion. Trust and live your life. God bless!
