One reason for our failure to work through our issues with one another is the transmission of faulty relational patterns from generation to generation. One of my clients is a good example of this. I will call her Maggie. Maggie grew up in a house where talking about "bad things" was pretty much forbidden. It was never an explicit directive; rather, it was the underlying tone of the family dynamics. There were a lot of problems in Maggie's upbringing, such as alcoholism, abuse, neglect and strife, yet it was never talked about, amongst each other or with anyone else. Maggie brought these relational patterns into her life. She and her husband have severe marital issues, yet they both tend to "sweep under the rug" all the problems and never address them. They basically live like roommates. Maggie did not even realize how much her pent up hurt and resentment towards her husband has affected her all these years. All she knew was that she was not happy. Only recently has she begun to connect the dots.
Another reason we find it so difficult to talk through our problems is our own faulty thinking. I have spoken about faulty thinking before. We all use faulty thinking from time to time. How we view the world is filtered through our core beliefs. Core beliefs are formed throughout our lifetime. How our family relates to one another, the experiences we have, the influences on our lives, all shape our view of ourselves and others. Staying with Maggie, she has very faulty thinking. She makes many assumptions about how her husband will react if she tries to address her issues with him. She uses what is called "mind reading" because she thinks she knows exactly what her husband is thinking and feeling about her, she gets herself very angry, as if what she is thinking is fact, and she fails to check in with him to verify whether her assumptions are correct. As a result, she simply avoids dealing with her husband altogether. He seems to be doing the same, as he is completely disengaged from the family. They both allowed their resentments to grow into what seems to be an almost insurmountable rift. They have sacrificed years of happiness because they could not face the distress of working through their issues together. How sad that is.
Maggie and her husband are negatively affecting their children. All 3 of Maggie's children have severe anxiety. That is no accident. It is not surprising either. The tension in the household is constant. Neither Maggie nor her husband displays any affection towards one another and the children are noticing. If Maggie does not learn how to own her feelings and express them to her husband, regardless of how she thinks he will respond, the negativity and resentment will grow and the family will be irrevocably broken, and all because Maggie and her husband could not talk through their issues.
If Maggie's story resonates with you, please understand this. It is human nature to want to avoid distress. Confrontations and arguments certainly can be very distressful, but consider this. Avoiding addressing an issue with someone in your life does not make the problem go away, nor does it make the feelings of resentment go away. On the contrary, the resentment will grow and cause even more distress. In other words, whether you address the issue with the person or not, you are going to feel distress. If you face it, head on, with the person, you at least have a chance of resolving the issue and living in peace. If you do not, the tension will be ever present and the resentment will grow to unmanageable levels.
I end this discussion with this plea. Please, talk it out! Do not let a root of bitterness grow, which "causes trouble and thus contaminates many" (Hebrews 12:15). In Maggie's case, her bitterness and that of her husband have absolutely contaminated them and their children. They are missing out on the peace and happiness that God wants them to have, all because they will not talk to one another. If you feel you have an unaddressed root of bitterness growing inside of you, please nip it in the bud and talk to the person who is causing you pain. Do not assume he or she will not respond to your pain. Do not avoid the discussion because you find confrontation distressful. Are you not already distressed? Life is too precious to waste time being resentful. Please, talk it out and resolve your differences. You can do it!
