Can You Live with "Why"?

Do we always have to have the answer to "why"? I think it is human nature to want to have the answer to every question. We have this tremendous need for closure. Uncertainty seems to drive most people crazy, yes, including me! However, the reality is, sometimes, we will just not know the answer. The question I pose to you right now is this. Can you live with an unanswered “why”?

I think that a lot of people would find peace if they were able to learn to live with uncertainty. Sometimes, there really is no definitive answer. For example, in the world of oncology, there are so many unknowns. The patients I work with often want an answer to why they got cancer. Some cancers have an obvious cause. If you are a heavy smoker and you develop lung cancer, there is no mystery as to how it happened. However, I have had many patients, who were basically healthy most of their lives, had little to no family history of cancer, yet they had cancer. The inevitable question in situations like this is always “why did this happen to me?” They wonder if they did something to cause their disease or they wonder if the area in which they live was somehow a contributing factor. The hardest thing for them is to just accept that the answer may never be found. They must learn to shift their focus on to the business of dealing with their diagnosis and find peace within the turmoil of such a diagnosis. I have found that the ones who are able to come to an acceptance are the ones who emotionally and mentally seem to do better during their treatment journeys.

So, you may ask how one makes the transition from being the “why me” person to becoming the “it is what it is” person. There is no one size fits all answer for everyone, so I will share what has worked for me. First of all, my faith has been the anchor that has kept me from going adrift in the waves of uncertainty. I always go to Proverbs 3:5, where it says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Let that sink in for a second. We do not always have all the answers and if our peace depended on knowing everything, then we would simply never be at peace. My trust in the Lord allows me to know that even if I do not understand why something is happening, I know that He does and I also know that, no matter what, He will work the situation out so that it benefits me in some way, even if the process is painful.

Another important thing I have learned is that I can sit in my distress because it will not kill me and it will eventually pass. Whether or not I know the answer to why something bad is happening becomes inconsequential. I know that I will get through it, so the need to know why fades in importance. Patience becomes more important than the answer to the “why” question. Granted, I am still a work in progress where patience is concerned, but I never said I was perfect!  Stop being so afraid of distress. You will emerge on the other side of it. The frantic search for the answer to “why” will only cause you more distress, especially if there is no answer to “why”.

This is what  I hope and pray for those of you who are reading this and for those who can relate to the need to always have the answers to the unanswered questions. . I hope that you can learn to come to an acceptance that you may not ever know the answer. I hope that you have a trust in God, or a higher power, and know that whatever the situation, you have been equipped to withstand it. The situation, with all of its uncertainty, will somehow work itself through and will work to develop you as a person. Once you can trust and let go of the need to have all the answers, you will find a peace that you never knew was possible. This incessant need to know why only causes fear, anxiety and stress, because the why is not the end goal. Sometimes, the answer does not bring the peace you are expecting it would. The peace comes from the letting go, and the wisdom comes from learning through the process. Now, I ask you again, can you live with “why”? Today, I challenge you to try. God bless!

Imagine

I had a dream the other night that I felt compelled to share. It was a very impactful dream. I was walking and I came to a crowd of people. I cannot tell you where this was or who these people were, just that it was a large and diverse crowd of people. I started to sing John Lennon’s “Imagine”. Sort of like one of those flash mobs, people started joining in with me. Pretty soon, we were all holding hands and singing together.

When I woke from the dream, I felt both a sense of love and peace, but I also felt a sense of deep sadness. The sadness came from the fact that our country, our world, is very far from that dream of unity and the “brotherhood of man” that Lennon sang about. It seems we are all so divided, perhaps as much or more than any other time in history. We are divided by race, religion, gender, political affiliation, and I find myself wondering why. I find myself asking why it seems that hate and anger are eclipsing love and friendship. Is not love supposed to triumph over hate? Is not good supposed to triumph over evil? What are we to do about this?

I have written about the importance of loving one another before, but it is a subject worthy of repeating. I will not pretend that I have the solution to world peace. I will not pretend that I am always a ray of sunshine, every moment of every day, but I will say this. We all have a responsibility to do our part to make sure love wins over hate, that friendship wins over anger, and  that understanding and empathy win over discord and division. We must rise above our human differences to find a place of common ground on which we can build a “brotherhood of man.”

I would venture to guess that underneath all of the opinions, political debates, prejudices, and misunderstandings are myriad commonalities. I learned a long time ago that even though people may have different experiences, emotions are universal. When I was in graduate school, I did an internship in a drug and alcohol day treatment program. I was having the most difficult time getting the clients to trust me and open up to me, because I had never been an addict. One particular day, one of the clients started yelling at me, saying I could not possibly understand the pain he was in because I have never been a drug addict. As he railed on about his despair, I realized that I may not understand what it is like to be a drug addict, but I did understand despair. When he finally stopped yelling at me, I said, “You are right, I can’t really understand, but help me to understand what it was like for you. I know what despair feels like, but help me understand what it feels like for you.” In that moment, whether or not I had ever been a drug addict no longer mattered to him. I allowed him to sit with his despair in the safety of my empathy and I listened to him without judgement. In that moment, we made a human connection of kindness.

We are all different. We all have had different experiences that shape who we are. We may disagree with one another, on many issues, but we share one very important thing. We are all sharing the human experience. No matter where we come from, we are all human beings. In our experiences, we have all had pain, fear, despair, some more than others, but the universal emotions are things we can all speak to, at one level or another. We all do not have to agree. There are aspects of each of our lives that others may never really understand fully, but we can listen. We can empathize with the emotions of others. We can extend kindness to connect each other. We can share love to heal wounds.  As John Lennon said, “Imagine all the people living life in peace. You...you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us and the world will be as one.” Can you imagine that? God bless!

Be Still

I am always struck whenever I notice themes that emerge in my practice. It happens quite frequently. Another theme that has recently emerged in my practice involves people feeling overwhelmed. They are overwhelmed by work stress. They are overwhelmed with financial burdens. They are overwhelmed with family life. They are overwhelmed by life itself. Many are finding it difficult to quiet their minds and find down time to just relax. This is an all too common problem for adults.

Obviously, we cannot rid ourselves of the stresses and responsibilities that come with being a responsible adult. We do not have control over everything that life throws us. Rather than fighting against this reality and running like a hamster on a wheel, getting nowhere fast, we need to learn how to grab moments within the craziness of our lives and give ourselves time to just be. As it says in Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” God has always known the importance of resting. We know that he made the Earth in 6 days and on the 7^th day, He rested. He gave us Shabbat (the Sabbath) not just to worship Him, but also to give us rest. In Psalm 127:2, we are reminded that all of our scrambling around in life is really pointless, because He always provides, “In vain do you get up early and put off going to bed, working hard to earn a living; for He provides for His beloved.”

I have a client, whom I will call Sharon. Sharon has a very stressful job and she shared that she is having a very difficult time disconnecting from work when she is done the work day. She said that her mind is constantly going over all of the various tasks she has to do the following day. When she takes time off, she cannot enjoy it, because she finds herself preoccupied with the thoughts about all the piled up work that will be awaiting her upon her return. She admitted that it is starting to interfere with her ability to be present with her loved ones. She is there bodily, but her mind is that hamster on the wheel. We are working on Sharon developing coping strategies that allow her to release her work stress and leave work at work, so she can be emotionally available to her loved ones.

If I impart nothing else to anyone, I hope this message gets through to those reading this. Work is just a means to an end. What really matters are those whom you love. There will always be work waiting for you. That is a given. Thinking about it and thinking about it will not change that fact. Stop, be still, and be present in your life, because it goes too quickly. Remember, our Creator is our strength and He gives us what we need to complete our purpose. It says in Proverbs 19:23, “The fear of Adonai leads to life; one who has it is satisfied and rests untouched by evil.” If you trust that you have what you need to succeed, then you need not fear all the things that life throws at you, because He has equipped you. It is not worth giving up the precious time with those whom we love and it is not healthy to give up the rest for the mind, body and soul we so desperately need, so get out of your head! Remember, at the end of our lives, we will not say, “I wish I had spent more time at work.” I will add that we will also not say, “I should have worried more.” I hope this was a reminder for everyone reading this to be still, be present in your life and take the gift of rest bestowed on us by God. Get off the hamster wheel and be blessed!

Judge Not?

We have all heard the verse “Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged.” (Matthew 7:1). This verse is often used as an argument to support the notion that we are not supposed to judge others. Being called judgmental is most likely an insult. If we formulate an opinion about something or someone’s behavior, we are often thought of as a hypocrite. Let’s face it; most of us have done things in our past that we are not proud of, but, hopefully, we have learned from those mistakes. When we learn from our experiences, we gain a new wisdom and understanding. Therefore, I pose this question; doesn’t this new wisdom and understanding help us to discern things from a more educated perspective? Does this not allow us to judge in a fair and impartial manner? Are we really not supposed to judge?

My answer to that question is this. We can and should judge. The judgment is not the issue. The issue is the attitude from which one is judging. If we have not learned from our own mistakes, we have no right to judge other people’s bad behavior. That becomes the type of hypocritical judgment that is frowned upon in scripture. Paul teaches about this in Romans 2:1, “Therefore you have no excuse, whoever you are, passing judgment; for when you judge someone else, you are passing judgment against yourself; since you who are judging do the same things he does.” If we have not taken the time to do some self-reflection and if we have not dealt with the problems that exist in our own lives, we are not able to see things very clearly. We have no wisdom with which to judge and, most likely, if we are passing judgment on someone else under these circumstances, we are not coming from a place of knowledge, love, or concern. This type of judgment only serves to either tear someone down, or it serves as a futile attempt to build ourselves up, either consciously or unconsciously.

Judgment is valid only when we can speak from a place of humility and wisdom. When we have dealt with our own issues, learned from our mistakes and amended bad or destructive behavior, can we offer a judgment that is substantive. Only when we have repented of our own sins, can we truly offer a judgment that is productive. That is what Yeshua (Jesus) meant when he said, “First, take the log out of your own eye; then you will see clearly so that you can remove the splinter from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

A judgment that is honorable is meant for edification and gentle correction. Judgment based on that which is righteous is worthy to be expressed. A judgment that is formulated from the wisdom one has gained through real introspection and repentance of mistakes is not hypocritical. Paul says in Galatians 6:1, “Brothers, suppose someone is caught doing something wrong. You who have the Spirit should set him right, but in a spirit of humility, keeping an eye on yourselves so that you won’t be tempted too.” In other words, as long as you are coming from a constructive place of humility, not only can you judge, but it is your duty to judge. For example, if you are a recovering alcoholic who lost his license because you were drunk driving, isn’t it your obligation to judge your 18-year-old son if you catch him coming home drunk after he had been driving? If you have learned from your own mistakes, you absolutely have the authority and obligation to judge your child. You are not a hypocrite unless you are still engaging in the behavior yourself and you think it is ok for you to do, but not ok for your son. Wrong is wrong and we are allowed to judge what is wrong.

To recap; judging is not the problem. We are constantly judging. We judge what food we eat, based on whether or not we care to be healthy. We judge whom we allow into our lives as friends and confidants. We judge the activities in which we participate, based on our interests. We judge which causes we champion, based on our morals, values, and beliefs. We also judge others, either by their character or behavior, because we need to know with whom we are interacting. A judgment that comes from arrogance is not righteous. A judgment that is meant to make another feel inferior is malicious. A judgment that is meant to build oneself up at the expense of another is weak. A judgment that is based on ignorance is ineffective. However, righteous judgment comes from a place of humble wisdom. This is discernment. A judgment that comes from a heart of concern is speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). A judgment that edifies and builds others up is noble. Do not be afraid to judge. Let’s put it this way, if you are taking the time to think about whether you should be judging, then you are probably coming from good intentions. Someone who has never repented or who has never done any meaningful introspection is usually the type to judge from a place of malice rather than love. If someone accuses you of being judgmental, do not get upset. Take a pause, examine where your heart is, and if it is in the right place, do not hesitate to judge. It may be your duty to do so. God bless!

The Power of Hope

“’For I know what plans I have in mind for you,’ says Adonai, ‘plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future.’” That verse is Jeremiah 29:11, which is one of my favorite scriptures. It always reminds me of the power that hope brings into our lives. Hope is trusting in, waiting for, and expecting good things and positive change to happen. Hope is the driving force that allows us to weather the darkest storms in our lives. In the midst of that darkness, when all seems bleak, we can hold on to hope and that hope is like a life preserver in a tumultuous sea of anguish.

I have seen the power of hope, both in my personal life and my professional life. I have personally experienced some pretty distressing times in my life. There were times when I could not find hope. However, God faithfully showed Himself in those situations and they inevitably turned for the better, even if I did not see it right away. I have learned that life is about moments; some will be good, some will be mundane, and some will be bad. When things are good, I have learned to stay in the moment and savor every second. When things are mundane, I try to keep my eyes fixed on what matters in life and I look for the beauty in each day. When things are bad, I have learned to leave the door open for hope and that helps me remember that the bad moment will eventually pass, even if it takes a while.

In the oncology world, we treating professionals live by the principle that we shall never take away a patient’s hope. Hope is the fuel of the soul. Hope in even the small victories can make the difference between allowing your diagnosis to define your existence and learning to find joy, even in the darkest of times. Whether it is hope for a cure or just hope that tomorrow you will feel well enough to enjoy the day, that hope allows you to continue pressing forward. It allows you to continue to live life and not simply exist until you die.

Job is a good example of someone who suffered much loss and physical affliction, yet, in his despair, he still maintained his hope. “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him yet” (Job 13:15). There were moments in his suffering that Job complained, cried out in his anger, and despaired, but it was His hope that ultimately pulled him through the ordeal and he was abundantly blessed when the ordeal ended. He had every reason to give up and just exist until he died, but he had the hope for something better and the turn around eventually came for him.

Hope is a guiding principle in my therapy work as well. The first thing I try to impart to my clients is  there is always hope that things will get better. I have a client, whom I will call Carol. When Carol first came to me, she felt as if her life was a complete mess. Her marriage was in trouble. She hated her job. Her kids were having major issues. She felt such despair and anguish because she felt as if her life had no meaning or purpose. After she finished sharing with me, through tears, what brought her to my office, my response was, “I am so happy for you!” After she looked at me with puzzlement on her face, I explained that I was happy for her, because it will only get better from here. I provided her with the beacon of hope that she needed to motivate her to trust in, wait for, and expect that positive change was indeed coming.

Hope, to me, is the most essential component for healing, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Hope is a decision, a decision that you will not believe that the turmoil with which you may be presently dealing is a permanent state of being for you. It is a decision to remind yourself that every problem has a solution, even if it takes a while to find. It is a decision that you will not always feel as badly as you do right now. It is a decision to look for joy, even in the midst of pain. It is the decision to trust in, wait for, and expect that things will get better. Hope for minor victories and hope for huge triumphs. Hope that no matter what adversity you face, God will turn the situation for your benefit and you will become a better version of yourself. Make the decision, right now, to leave the door open for the power of hope. God bless!

Agree to Disagree!

Boy, this has been one ugly election season, has it not? Do not worry; I have no intention of talking about politics. I am simply bringing this up because a lot of craziness has occurred during the campaign season. Friends have turned against one another. Family members have been at odds. Fellow citizens feel as if they are each other’s enemies. We have all had moments of anger, frustration, fear, and maybe even some rage. Now that the election is behind us, I am hopeful that we can all settle down and return to some type of homeostasis.

One thing I have noticed is that people have been unable to disagree with civility. Take good old Facebook for example. I have had to “unfriend” some people, not because they disagreed with me, but because they started to attack me personally. I will tell you right now, I will never put up with that. I do not to it to others and I deserve the same courtesy. People have been so passionate about their views and when someone disagrees with them, they take it personally. Once that happens, the anger comes and all rationality flies out the window.

Personalization is a type of cognitive distortion that causes undue anger, resentment and hurt. We must learn to agree to disagree in order to maintain our relationships. If someone happens to disagree with you, try not to take it as a personal affront. The beautiful thing about all of us is that God made each and every one of us uniquely. Let us accept that not everyone will think the same in every situation. In Ecclesiastes 7:9, it says, “Don’t be quick to get angry, for only fools nurse anger.” If you take things personally every time some one does not agree with your point of view, you are going to walk around in constant anger. Anger is poison to your soul.

Here is another little piece of advice. This is a mantra I share often with my clients. You do not have to attend every argument to which you are invited! Do not allow yourself to get sucked into the vortex of quarrel and hostility. I have seen many people get into a full brawl that started over minor issues. I have felt my very blood boil when I have allowed myself to engage in what amounted to be stupid and petty arguments. Folks, life is too short for that stuff.  As it says in 2 Timothy 2:23-24, “but stay away from stupid and ignorant controversies-you know they lead to fights.” I for one do not want to spend my precious time on this earth with my loved ones fighting and being angry.

Sometimes we have people in our lives that constantly want to fight and/or who are always angry at something or someone. For whatever reason, they constantly find something about which to be angry and they lash out at whomever is closest. They try to bait you into an argument. The aforementioned mantra is great for people like this. Do not get sucked into their vortex. Decline that invitation to fight. The anger they carry probably has nothing to do with you, so do not own it for yourself.

Finally, I like to say that words like “right” or “wrong” should be thrown out entirely. There does not always have to be a right one or a wrong one. It is simply a difference in perspective. If you resist personalizing and actually try to understand the other's point of view, you may actually learn a thing or two. Stay that pride. Pride can lead you into an angry place. “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (Proverbs 13:10). So the moral of the story and the lesson to be learned is that we all must master the art of agreeing to disagree. Stop taking everything so personally and learn to try and understand another’s perspective. You do not have to agree with it, but that does not mean the other is wrong. How boring would life be if we all agreed with each other all the time? God bless!

It is NOT That Complicated!

Have you ever noticed that we as humans tend to over-complicate everything? People are struggling with understanding who they are and what their purpose is. So many feel empty, scared, angry and depressed because they do not believe their lives have any meaning. We toil and toil trying to build a life for ourselves and our families. We sometimes miss the mark and put our focus on the wrong things, which only robs us of experiencing the fullness of joy that God wants us to have. Why does this happen? Why do we do this?

It is my personal belief that we just think too darn much. The more we are in our heads, the less we are in the presence of our lives. In other words, when we are thinking about past events that are no longer relevant, or we are worrying about a future that has not come yet, then we are missing what is right in front of us. If we dwell too long in our minds, way too much can go awry. We can control our thought life, but it is way too easy to lose control of where we allow our minds to travel. Once the thoughts go in the wrong direction, our emotions immediately follow. Our depression, anxiety, anger, and fear all come from thoughts gone awry.

Listen people, God made it really easy for us. First in Leviticus, God told us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (19:18). In Matthew 22, when Yeshua (Jesus) was teaching, someone asked him, “Rabbi, which of the mitzvot [commands] in the Torah is the most important?” (22:36). Yeshua’s answer was two-fold and very simple. He said we are to first love Adonai with all of our soul and strength. He then said we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. He went on to say that these two mitzvot are basically the foundation of the Torah and the Prophets. In other words, the most important thing in life is to trust and serve God and show you are His by loving one another.

So, how can this be applied to our lives? Again, it is really very simple. With love comes peace, because the positivity that love brings overpowers the negative emotions we carry and allow to overwhelm us. With love comes contentment. We are no longer consumed by what other people have that we do not. We do not need to worry about good things happening to bad people, because we trust in Adonai and trust that He will serve the justice. That frees us to focus on our blessings. With love comes joy. Hate, anger, bitterness, and fear are all emotions that drain the life force from us and rob us of our happiness. They poison our very soul. With love comes acceptance. No matter who a person is or how they treat us, if we act with love we “heap fiery coals of shame” (Proverbs 25:22) on the heads of those who hurt us. Who knows whether your act f love can change that person for the better. Love allows us to feel compassion and empathy for people and that paves the way for open dialogue, greater understanding and the opportunity to resolve conflict.

I can really go on and on about how the simple act of loving one another is the solution for almost everything, but I think you get the gist by now. In today’s world, with so much division, anger and strife, it is clear to me that no world leader seems to have the solution. The solution lies with each of us. If you do not think you have a purpose in this life, please allow me to suggest one. Your purpose, my purpose, and everyone’s purpose is to love and allow yourself to be loved. The love that you share may be the very thing that saves a person. The kindness that you show may be the very thing that gives a person who is suffering hope. If we serve our fellow man in love, we are serving our Creator, because that is exactly what He has commanded us to do. You will never be wrong by showing love.

So I end this discussion with this challenge. I challenge you to commit to loving. Start simply. Say good morning to coworkers as you pass them in the hallway. Hold doors open for people. Be a good friend. Help the needy. Have some extra patience for that annoying friend that you try to avoid. Make an effort to stay in the present, let go of hate, anger, fear, and regret and trust that God allowed you to experience things in your life for a purpose. Allow those things to give you wisdom. I even go as far as to say rejoice in your sadness, because that pain will make you stronger. Lead by example and heap fiery coals of kindness on people’s heads. Basically, with love, be the change we want to see in the world and, one person at a time, we just may yet make this world a better place. It really can be that simple! God bless!