How to Carry a Heavy Heart

 

 

Have you ever gone through a period of time in which it seemed as if you were so weighed down with worry and sadness and it felt as if you were carrying around the weight of the world? That is exactly how I have been feeling for quite a while now. So many things are going on with my family, that I am carrying such heavy emotions in my heart. I will not go into to detail, but let’s just say it all makes me want to crawl into a ball and sleep until it is all better. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of doing that, as so many depend on me. What helps me through times like this is the love that my family has for each other and my faith in God. When I am weak, He is strong. When I do not feel that I can go another day, he gives me the strength to continue. For that, I am so grateful.

What also gets me through these heavy times is my belief that the bad will eventually pass. Life is truly about moments. There are good moments and there are bad moments. There are even good moments among the bad moments. The trick is to look for those blessings. How easy it is to get stuck in the muck and the mire of the negative emotions that weigh us down. It is so easy to allow ourselves to get sucked into the quicksand of the negative. It takes effort to grab the lifelines around us to pull ourselves out of the morass and find the things in our lives that are worthy of the good fight. For me, I know when I am at my lowest and I do not think that I can keep up the fight, I remember what it says in Isaiah 40:31, “but those who hope in Adonai will renew their strength, they will soar aloft as with eagles’ wings; when they are running they won’t grow weary, when they are walking they won’t get tired.” The Lord has never let me down in this regard.

For those of you who are feeling this heavy burden in your hearts, you may be reading this and thinking that what I am saying is much easier said than done. You may think that I am trivializing the hardships in life. Please believe me when I say that is so not true. The issues with which my family is currently dealing are very serious. This is how I approach things. I have choices. I can spend every second of every day worrying and fretting, which will not only do nothing to change the situations, but that constant barrage of negative emotion would eventually take a toll on my mind, my body, and my spirit. Rather than doing that to myself and rendering myself completely useless to those who look to me for wisdom, guidance and support, I choose, every moment of every day, to give my worries to the Lord. I have no control over what is happening. I have to trust in the Lord, because I know He has a plan and a purpose for every person who is suffering. I can’t always understand His plans, and, to be honest, that is happening now, but I do trust in Him, because He never wastes anything, not even trials and tribulations. We absolutely can trust in Him and have faith, even if we don't fully understand the plan. As it says in one of my favorite Scriptures, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I would like to end with this. I really have no magic words that will make all of your problems disappear. I may not even be making you feel any better right now, but that is fine, because I do not have that power. Just know that trials and tribulations can make you stronger and wiser if you allow yourselves to learn from them. The pain you may be feeling from whatever difficult circumstances you are currently facing will eventually equip you to be able to help others who are facing similar trials. Also, without pain and sadness, we could never fully appreciate the wonderful blessings and joys in life. Pain keeps us from taking those things for granted. I have said this before and I will say it again; when things are bad, just trust that the bad will eventually pass and, when things are good, savor every  moment and be thankful for what you are being given. Finally, in your despair, just remember, this too shall pass. God bless!

So Grateful!

It is so easy to stew in your juices about what is not going well in your life, isn't it? Once you give in to that, however, you start on a negative spiral of self pity. Who needs that? Recently, I found myself thinking about all of the things I have for which to be grateful and there are many. When I allowed myself to ponder those things, I actually felt my mood lift and the negative things seemed to fade into the background.

With that, I would like to share some of the things that make me feel so grateful to God and just so blessed. It goes without saying that I am grateful for my wonderful husband to whom I will be married 25 years in June. I am so grateful for my now 20 year old twins. They are such good people. They are smart, funny, and so caring. They have such pure and decent hearts. They make me so proud to be their mother.

Our family received a wonderful gift on February 2nd, when my niece had an emergency C Section. Madelyn Joy (pictured above), my great niece, was born at 27 weeks. My heart is so grateful for her arrival. Some of you may have read my previous post about the her twin brother, Dylan Charles, who was lost at 18 weeks. Our Maddie beat so many odds to be here. Although she is still in the NICU, and probably will be for a couple more months, she is growing and thriving. She is so beautiful and my family, especially Maddie's parents, are so very grateful to the Lord for saving her. None of us will ever take her for granted!

I am grateful for what God has enabled me to do for a living. I always knew, even when I was a young child, that I wanted to help people. As I grew and as I approached the college years, I knew that, whatever I ended up doing for a living, I did not just want to punch a time clock. I wanted to help people and make a positive impact on the world. I did not know exactly what that would be, but I knew I would end up in a helping profession. Well, apparently, that desire aligned with God's will for my life, because He has enabled me to help people on a daily basis. Just yesterday, one of my patients told a few of my coworkers that I was his "angel", because I have been helping him with various issues. I couldn't help but feel so blessed that I actually get paid to be someone's angel!

I am also so grateful to have my therapy practice, because I have had the pleasure to work with some of the most wonderful and interesting people. I consider it an honor that so many people have chosen to trust me enough to be able to share their inner most thoughts and secrets. I am humbled by the fact that they feel safe enough with me to allow me to be a container for their pain. It is so wonderful to be able to guide people on their introspective journeys and help them to develop the skills they need to navigate the tough terrain of life. Some stay for a short time and some have come to me for years, but they all have touched my heart in a permanent way and my life has been enriched for having known them, for however long that was or how long it lasts.

I could go on and on and on about the things for which I am grateful, but I will just end with a few parting words to ponder. Life is difficult at times. There will be trials and there will be tribulations, but even in the midst of those things, we can always find things for which we can be grateful. Part of improving our moods entails the task of replacing negative thoughts with more positive ones. Today I am throwing down this challenge. Every time you find yourself lamenting about past woes or worrying about future events, stop and shift your mind to the things in your life for which you are grateful. There are blessings, big and small, in every day, so make it a point to look for them. Do not fall into the negativity trap! Fight that with the power of gratitude! You will be amazed at just how powerful gratitude truly is! By the way, I am so grateful to all of you who are reading this right now. May God abundantly bless you!

The Battle for Life and Overcoming

 

 

(Photo courtesy of www.BibleVerseImages.com)

I do not usually address volatile or political topics in my blog posts, but in honor of my very courageous and amazing niece, I need to speak about life in the womb. My view on this has evolved over a lifetime of experiences and the deepening of my faith. Today, unequivocally, I believe that life begins at conception. The experience I just shared with my niece, as she lost one of her twins last night to premature labor at 18 weeks, solidified that belief for me. It was the most beautiful, tragic miracle I have ever seen.

My great nephew, Dylan Charles, was alive almost until the time he was delivered. At 18 weeks, he was fully formed; with 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes. Although it was the saddest moment, it was also the most beautiful display of the miracle of life, and I say that being a mother of twins myself. It was such a roller coaster of emotions for my family. When my niece’s water broke early on Tuesday, we all thought she would lose both of the precious babies inside her womb. Since their conception, we had watched them develop. Just a couple weeks before, little Dylan was seen sucking his little thumb serenely, while his sister, Madelyn, was moving all around. We joked about how that little girl will be hyper, just like her mommy was when she was little.

Then the doctor gave us hope. He said it is possible that once Dylan was delivered, there is a 50/50 chance that Madelyn can still be saved. There were so many unknowns, but for the first time since my niece’s water broke, we had some hope. My niece’s labor went into the night and lasted all day yesterday. I went to work, just planning to stay in touch via texting, but I realized I simply had to be with my family and I had to see my precious little great nephew, no matter what his condition at delivery. Although it was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed, I am so grateful to God that he allowed me to be there and witness His creation, in all its miraculous splendor.

I also want to say that I have never been more proud of my niece as I am today. She has not had an easy life. She has had to overcome a lot of obstacles, including learning disabilities and bullying in high school. Through all of her trials, she never gave up and she has always been resilient. She has overcome the odds, time and time again. Her high school guidance counselor told her she should find a trade, because she would never make it through college. Well, my niece not only graduated from college, but she also achieved a master’s degree! With all of her career aspirations, the one thing she wanted more than anything else was to be a mom. She has always loved babies and has always been so good with children, including mine.

When she and her spouse decided they wanted to start their family, my niece discovered that she had fertility issues. After surgeries and hormone injections, she attempted IFV. She got pregnant, but then lost that pregnancy. She was devastated, but would not give up. She had surgery to remove endometriosis, and then she tried again. They implanted 2 embryos. They both took and we were all elated. Her dream to become a mom seemed to be coming true. Then, she was hit with this tragedy at 18 weeks into her pregnancy.

She has every right to feel sorry for herself. She has every right to feel angry and bitter, but her heart is too big and too loving for that. Even as she was waiting to deliver her 18 week old baby boy, she talked about how she would someday turn this tragic situation into a triumph. She spoke about how she would someday help other women who are going through the loss of a baby. She also spoke about how she may even adopt a special needs child. I sat in awe of her, and her spouse whom I love, as I watched their amazing strength through the worst situation of their lives. I always admired my niece for her resilience, but now she is my hero.

I felt compelled to share this story because it has impacted me in ways I cannot even explain. To see the range of life and death, and God’s grace through enormous tragedy, and not share that would be wrong. I am telling all who are reading this that life absolutely begins at conception. Life is such a miraculous creation of God. It is so very precious. It should never be taken for granted. I also want to say that my beautiful niece is a shining example of what we should all strive towards. She is a fighter for life, her own and others’. She never lets adversity keep her down and she will fight with every ounce of her being for what she believes in and for others. She is an inspiration.

I hope that you do not walk away from this post feeling sad, ashamed or offended. That was not my intent. My hope is that it gives people the will to fight for life, no matter how hard and no matter what the obstacles. Life is precious. Your life is precious. You can overcome whatever pain with which you are dealing and turn your tragedy into a triumph. If I ever doubt myself, I will remember how strong my niece is and I will persevere, just as she always has. Let her story inspire you to do great things, even if that means keeping an unwanted pregnancy. This is my plea; even if you feel you cannot care for this child, please, consider adoption. There are so many people out there who cannot have a child of their own and who would be happy to adopt your precious baby. I saw life grow in my niece’s womb. It is life and life deserves a chance. If you have read this post in its entirety, I thank you. May God bless you and may you be an overcomer, just like my niece.

Life begins outside your comfort zone.

This blog post goes out to all of those who are afraid to leave your comfort zones, wherever they exist and whatever form they take. You believe that life is too difficult outside that comfort zone. You believe you are kept safe and secure within the boundaries of that comfort zone. You believe that you are protected from bad feelings while you hide in your comfort zone, but I have bad news for you. None of the above is true. How do I know? Well, aren't you feeling sad, lonely and depressed right now? If the answer is yes, please keep reading.

Staying in that comfort zone is probably the most destructive thing you could do for yourself. You are isolating yourself with your thoughts, which are probably very negative and self-deprecating. The more you are alone with your thoughts, with nothing to distract you, the worse they get. The longer you stay isolated in that comfort zone, the more cut off from the people around you and the world you become. Your emotional growth is stunted and any thoughts of the future become non-existent as you wallow, alone in your misery.

You believe that staying in your comfort zone will protect you from any bad thing happening to you. This could not be further from the truth. Not only are you not protected from bad things, because bad things happen in life, but you are also keeping good things from happening to you. You are missing opportunities to experience fun, joy, laughter, adventures, love, relationships, friendships and life itself. You watch from afar as real life becomes but a distant memory and you find yourself feeling despair and regret, as life passes you by.

Please do not read this as a criticism or a rebuke. I am literally pleading for you to push yourself outside of your comfort zone, because your life is waiting for you there. Sure, it's a risk. Something unpleasant or distressful may happen if you make yourself vulnerable like that. However, something wonderful could happen too. Let's stay with the former for a moment. Why are you so afraid of something bad happening? Know this. Every painful experience, or mistake, or blunder, or mishap we experience gives us the opportunity to learn and grow. We cannot acquire wisdom without pain, because we learn from that pain. We evolve through pain. We emerge a better, stronger, wiser person on the other side of the pain, if we are willing to take that risk and venture beyond the imagined safety of our comfort zone. Then there is this; what if something spectacular happens? Yes, it is possible.

Here is one final plea. You think your comfort zone keeps you living in cozy safety, but you are really in a prison of your own making. No joy can be had there. No laughter can be heard there. No adventures can be experienced there, and no love can be felt there. You are alone in your unhappiness and the only sound is the sound of the negative voice in your head telling you that you cannot achieve any success in life. Well, that is just a lie straight from the pit of hell! That is not how God sees you and living in this prison of your own making is not the purpose God has for you! You were fearfully and wonderfully made; never forget that. So, you don't know what your purpose is? I understand, but I can tell you this much. You are not going to find it staying locked in the prison you call a comfort zone. You have the keys to your own freedom. Your purpose, your life, is waiting for you outside your comfort zone. Please, dear one, use the key and unlock the door. Take the risk; it is worth it. You are loved. God bless!

From where does your validation come?

It is human nature to want to be recognized and appreciated for all that you offer the world. It is nice to receive compliments from other people. This gives us a sense of pride and accomplishment. It lets us know that we contribute to the world in a positive way. When we work hard and pour our hearts and souls into whatever endeavor we undertake, it is only natural for us to want validation of a job well done from other people. It is perfectly normal to want outside validation at times.

Problems arise when we NEED this external validation. There is a big different between wanting and needing. If I accomplish something, meet a goal, or produce a job well done, of course I feel good when I receive the appropriate accolades; however, if I do not receive the validation that I want from others, I still feel good about what I have done. Those who live to receive validation from outward sources will inevitably suffer hurt, disappointment and  sadness at some point in their lives. Depending on other people for validation and deriving your sense of self based on what others think of you is a sure way to depression and anxiety, along with feelings of inadequacy and even worthlessness.

Those who lack a sense of self-worth and those who are “people pleasers” tend to seek outside validation in order to feel worthy of love and companionship, attention and respect. People who conduct their lives in a relentless pursuit of approval tend to be the most unhappy individuals. I had a client, whom I will refer to as Karen. Karen internalized all of her frustration she had towards those in her life who seemed to frequently take advantage of her. She was afraid to say no, because she dreaded anyone having a negative view of her. She could not take pride in accomplishments unless she received validation from others in her life. Sadly, that did not always come. The hurt and anger she felt towards others was turned inward and it manifested as severe depression for Karen. Our work together included learning to set boundaries and say “no” without feeling guilty. It also included restructuring her core belief that she was not worthy to be loved. Ultimately, she had to learn her worth and really value herself, regardless of what others thought of her. Karen spent a lot of time believing that she needed others’ approval and that led to years of misery.

Listen, even the most emotionally healthy among us feel hurt and disappointment when we do not receive the acceptance, approval, and validation we enjoy receiving, but those of us who know our worth do not NEED it to be happy or feel valued. Our sense of validation comes from the inside out. For me, knowing that I am a child of God, and knowing that I was “awesomely made, wonderfully” (Psalm 139:14), prevents me from ever feeling unworthy. I am worthy because He said I am. I am worthy because He knew me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). I never need to feel worthless, because God created me for a purpose. He said He has plans for me! (Jeremiah 29:11).

For those of you who depend on others for your self worth, this message is for you. You are worth so much more than you could possibly imagine. People will disappoint us from time to time. They may not give you the validation you want, but that could have nothing at all to do with you. Stop looking outwardly for your sense of worth. You already have worth, because your Creator said so! You are beautiful and worthy. Never forget that! Own that, in all you do! You are loved beyond measure. God bless!

The Fast of Esther

Tonight at sundown marks the beginning of Purim, a holiday that celebrates the Jews’ triumph over their own annihilation. I have written about Purim before (see my post titled “Chag Purim Sameach”), so I will not retell the history of the holiday again. The focus of this post will be the fast of Esther. It is interesting to note that the Book of Esther is the only place in Scripture where God is not specifically mentioned. However, make no mistake, the presence of God is alive and well all throughout the book.

Esther and Mordechai were devout Jews and they bravely intervened on behalf of their people to save them from annihilation. Esther fasted for three days and asked the Jewish people living in the kingdom of King Ahasuerus to fast as well. The purpose was to prepare themselves for a victory. Esther fasted so that she could empty herself of every distraction and draw close to God, so that He could empower her to do what she needed to do. God’s Spirit was able to enter her and fill her with such courage that she was able to proudly proclaim, “If I perish, I perish!” (Esther 4:16). In the end, the Jewish people triumphed over the evil that sought their destruction. Only by the Grace and Power of God could this have been accomplished.

You may now be asking what fasting has to do with anything. I used to wonder why so many people of faith find fasting to be so important. I will admit that I have found it to be a very difficult thing. However, I do believe that God has worked on me in this area and this is what I am learning. Fasting is a way to show God how committed we are to drawing closer to Him. By sacrificing in this way, we are proving that we are willing to be obedient through denying ourselves and praying for the desires of our hearts. As long as that desire lines up with God’s will, by fasting and praying about it, I do believe He grants the breakthrough we so earnestly desire.

Fasting and praying was very common all throughout Scripture, from the Old Testament through the New Testament. All of the prophets fasted and prayed, at one point or another, so that they could draw closer to God and hear what He was saying. Revelations came, time after time, after a period of fasting and praying. Only when we empty ourselves and leave ourselves open, can we be filled with the Spirit, power, and knowledge of God. Many Jewish people participate in the fast of Esther the day before Purim to commemorate the victory the Jewish people had over their annihilation and also to draw closer to the One that made that victory possible.

If fasting does not appeal to you, that is understandable. It is very difficult and, for some, it is medically dangerous to do so. There are other ways to draw closer to God and accomplish things you desire. I pose these questions; what are you willing to give up in order to get what you want in this life? What are you willing to sacrifice in order to achieve a breakthrough? Will you give up your pride? Will you give up a need for instant gratification? Are you willing to go without so that someone you love may benefit in some way? Are you catching my meaning? Amazing things happen when there is less of our own ego and more of the things that create change in our lives. For me, the best change happens when I get out of God’s way and allow Him to move in my life. So, I will be participating in the fast of Esther today, in the hopes of achieving a needed breakthrough in areas of my life, but mostly to feel closer to the One who allowed me to come to such a time as this. With that, I throw down this challenge to you. Examine what you are willing to let go of or sacrifice in order to move forward in your life. Change sometimes comes only when we get out of our own and God’s way! Chag Purim Sameach and God bless!

Super Bowl Fever

It has been quite a football season. For the first time in the organization's history, the Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl. Although we are Steelers fans in our house, we caught the Eagles fever along with all of the other Philadelphia and South Jersey fans. As the Eagles powered their way through the season, right up to the Super Bowl, I started to notice something really great. People from all walks of life, backgrounds, status, all joined in unity because of their love for their home team. The fact that the Eagles were considered to be the underdog this year really added to the excitement.

It was truly remarkable to see so many people who may never have had anything in common high five one another, shake hands with one another and even hug one another. I witnessed people coming together in prayer for the Eagles. Now, I realize that some people may find this to be a frivolous thing about which to pray, but I do not. I believe that God cares about what we care about, the big things and even the little things. God wants unity among His children and I truly believe that if it takes a sports team to bring His people together, than so be it!

So, I started thinking about this feeling of unity and brotherly (and sisterly) love that resulted from supporting our Eagles. Suddenly, whatever differences people may have had, no longer mattered. People focused only on the main thing that drew us together. The spirit of comradery and fellowship made people forget about that which divides and they focused on the united desire to see the Eagles victorious. If I can name one positive thing that sports brings, I would have to say that spirit of unity in a common goal.

So I asked myself, why does it take a game for people to let go of prejudices and animosity? Can't we as a people focus on that which unites us all the time? There will always be differences among people and that does not have to be a bad thing. It certainly does not have to make one person hate another. Instead of focusing on that which makes us different, why can't we make an effort to look for the things with which we have in common? If we would all learn to do that, I believe there would be much better communication, less strife in the world, and more meaningful relationships to be had.

So, I pose this challenge. In the spirit of comradery and sportsmanship, I challenge all of us to keep the Super Bowl fever going. Let's continue to enjoy our shared passions and allow our differences to fade into the backgrounds of our daily lives. Translate this fever to other aspects of your lives. When you encounter someone whom you would have normally ignored, because you assumed that person was too different from yourself, try striking up a conversation. See what commonalities you may have with that person. I would bet there are at least a few. Folks, the only way we can begin to heal the rift between people is to stop hating because of differences. Let us try to find our shared values and focus on those. So much more can be accomplished that way. The world would be a better, more peaceful place that way. I know this may sound simple and trite, but, sometimes, things really are simpler than we make them out to be. So catch the Super Bowl fever! God bless!