Mind Reading: One Stumbling Block to Communication

 Are you a mind reader? I am not talking about the people you meet at the carnival. Mind reading, according to Beck (1995), is a cognitive distortion in which one believes he knows what someone is thinking and reacts accordingly. Another component of mind reading is believing that someone should know what you are thinking and you become upset when one does not. This type of thinking can cause annoyance, frustration, and even anger within a marriage and it can certainly cause communication difficulties.

Imagine this scenario. Your spouse had a hard day and he or she comes home in a bad mood. He or she is irritable, not very talkative, and not very affectionate. If you are mind reading, then you are thinking this behavior by your spouse has something to do with you. You start to become very upset. You may start to tell yourself awful things like, "He must be mad at me" or "Maybe he is falling out of love with me." You ruminate on these thoughts, get yourself very upset, and perhaps you either put up a wall of defense or you initiate an argument solely based on your negative emotions. Meanwhile, your spouse is an innocent person who has no idea why you are so upset.

I had a client, whom I will refer to as Alice. Alice had voiced her frustration about her husband time and time again. She often complained about how he never communicated his feelings, how he never took the initiative to plan activities, and how he simply did not care about her opinions. The more we probed, the more it became apparent that she was doing a lot of mind reading. She thought, for sure, that her husband was thinking how unattractive she was because she had gained some weight. She believed that he was falling out of love with her and she became very depressed. Once she realized that she was projecting her own feelings of insecurity onto her husband, and once she learned to communicate with him, she and her husband were able to make progress in their relationship.

The simple way to overcome this type of mind reading is to ask. Stop assuming your spouse is thinking something and check in with him or her. Let us use the earlier scenario involving the irritable spouse. Let us call them Bob and Nancy. Rather than Nancy assuming Bob's behavior had something to do with his opinion of her, Nancy could have simply said something like this, "Bob, I notice that you seem a bit irritable and you did not kiss me hello when you came in the house. Is something bothering you?" At that point, Bob would have had the opportunity to share with Nancy how horrible work has been for him lately and how his boss is always breathing down his neck. He would have been able to apologize to Nancy and assure her that his behavior had nothing to do with her. This could have strengthened their communication and relationship. By mind reading, Nancy caused a rift. She missed an opportunity to help and support Bob during a difficult time and she created a situation in which she put up a defensive wall of anger, believing Bob was thinking something about her that he just was not. If this is a common theme in Bob and Nancy's relationship, then you can imagine the potential problems that can result. So, the moral of Bob and Nancy's story is this. Stop assuming you know what your spouse is thinking and just ask!

Another type of mind reading is believing your spouse should know what you are thinking. You basically are expecting your spouse to be a mind reader. You believe your spouse should know what you want or need at any given time and you become upset when he or she does not deliver. You walk around feeling disappointment, frustration, or anger, while your spouse has no idea why you are so upset.  Let us revisit Alice. Alice constantly asked, "Shouldn't he just know what I want?" Time and time again I answered, "No, you may have to accept that you must spell it out for him. He is not a mind reader."

Stop assuming that your spouse knows what you want or need and take the time to spell it out for him or her. If you find yourself feeling angry because your spouse failed to do or say something you wanted him or her to do or say but did not, and you have not communicated what you wanted, then it is simply unfair of you to walk around feeling this way. Your spouse cannot address what has not been brought to his or her attention, so, put your pride on the shelf, stop assuming your spouse "should know" what you are thinking, and communicate!

This may seem like a trivial subject, but I assure you, many marital issues begin as minor issues. Minor issues cause minor irritations that, if left unaddressed, can begin to grow into real resentment. Mind reading can cause terrible communication problems because acting as if one knows what the other is thinking or acting as if the other should know what one is thinking leaves both parties vulnerable to anger and resentment. If you are reading this and you feel that what has been said resonated with you, then I challenge you to start making better efforts to check in with your spouse. Simply ask if he or she was thinking what you are assuming he or she is thinking and/or convey to your spouse what you are thinking rather than assuming your spouse should just know. This small tweak in communication can help you to avoid major problems down the line. Remember not to let that root of bitterness grow and you can defend against that by not mind-reading. Good luck and God bless!

 

Reference:

Beck, J.S. (1995), Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.