When Life is Stormy, Let Your Marriage Be the Shelter

 Marriage can be difficult even under the best of circumstances. When you have two whole, adult individuals, with their own opinions, morals, ethics, and beliefs, there will always be times in which disagreements happen. You may struggle to find common ground. Your opinions may differ in areas of finances, parenting, or even in what activities you enjoy. Once a crisis occurs, it can throw even the strongest of marriages off kilter. Crises such as illness, death of a loved one, financial problems, child issues, miscarriages, and mental illness, just to name a few, can test a couple’s individual and collective fortitude. Here are some suggestions to help you and your spouse remain a support to one another when you both need it the most.

1. Lean on and defer to each other’s strengths:

The two of you are different and that is ok. Just be honest with yourself and each other about your strengths and those of your spouse. For example, in my marriage, I am the more emotional one. My husband has a tremendous ability to stay calm in difficult situations, whereas I tend to become very emotional. When we have gone through difficulties, I leaned on him and looked to him to make initial decisions because I have found that in my acute emotional state, I have difficulty focusing. I accept that about myself and so does my husband. If one of you is better at remaining calm than the other, do not judge or criticize. Just accept and use the strengths to your collective advantage during a crisis.

2. Remember to continue to nurture the relationship and each other:

I know how hard it is to focus on anything else but the crisis with which you are dealing, and your relationship may take a back seat as you try and survive a crisis situation, but please believe me when I tell you that you must not neglect your marriage. Crises can be the demise of a relationship if a couple is not careful. I counseled a couple who had a special needs child who had severe behavioral issues that caused a lot of stress in the household. The two spouses became very combative and constantly fought about how they should parent their very difficult son. A distance grew between them as they became each other’s adversary rather than support. They stopped having their date nights. They stopped spending quality time together and they stopped communicating. Unfortunately, the husband eventually refused to continue the counseling, as he was convinced that things would never get better. I cannot stress enough that you must remember that you are on the SAME SIDE. Even if you disagree about how the crisis should be handled, you are both suffering, so be kind to one another, listen to one another, and support one another. Carve out time to be together each day and do not neglect your intimacy. The storm will eventually pass, and it is a wonderful thing to know that your marriage is still intact on the other side of the crisis.

3. Remember to maintain self-care:

Yes, you are important too! If you do not take care of your own needs, then what good will you be during a crisis? Here is an analogy I often use with my clients who tend to neglect their own needs. You are on an airplane, and you suddenly hit turbulence. The oxygen masks drop and you are instructed to put on the masks, as there is a drop in the oxygen level on the plane. You are sitting next to a loved one. Do you put the mask on your loved one or yourself first? Usually, there is a pause, and my client says, “My loved one.” Then I respond, “WRONG! What help would you be to your loved one if you pass out due to a lack of oxygen?” The same goes for you. If you do not take care of yourself, then you will have nothing left to give to those who need you during a crisis. Remember to eat well, drink plenty of water, exercise, pray or meditate, engage in enjoyable activities or hobbies, and take time for yourself when you need to. It is not selfish; it is necessary!

4. Communicate, communicate, communicate:

I cannot stress enough the importance of communicating your feelings with your spouse. During a crisis, we entertain our worst fears and experience more anxiety and/or depression than we usually do. It is very easy to become emotionally reactive. Often, people have difficulty talking about their feelings, so they channel the negative emotional energy in other, unproductive or destructive ways. The behavior can range from being overly critical towards our spouse to being downright abusive, either physically or verbally. Get honest with how you are feeling. Do not bother trying to suppress your feelings because I guarantee, they will find their way out somehow. Take responsibility for your feelings by expressing them appropriately. If you need something from your spouse, ask for it. If you are frustrated with your spouse, tell him or her appropriately. If you are scared, that is ok. Your spouse probably is too. Do not avoid your feelings or your spouse. Communication is essential all the time, but it is critical during a crisis.

5. Ask for help from friends or family if you need it:

Sometimes, no matter how strong you are as a couple, you still need help. Crises can take a huge toll on a family, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Sometimes, you just need a little help from your friends, family, fellow congregants, or neighbors. Let people bring you meals. Let your neighbor feed the cat. Let your mother lend you some money to pay the electric bill this month. Whatever the need, just ask for help. Remember, this is a temporary situation, and you will pay it forward when you are in a better place. Look at it this way; wouldn’t you help someone in need if you could? Put the pride on the shelf and ask for help.

Marriage is such a blessing. Remember your vows, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…”. Did you mean it when you agreed to those vows? I think you did, so remember that when a crisis hits, and one eventually will. That is life. If your marriage feels shaky and things are relatively calm in your life, please go to marriage counseling and work on strengthening your relationship. Life is not easy and one of the blessings of being married is having someone to support you through the most difficult times. Marriage should be a shelter in the storm, not the storm itself. Remember, you are in it together! God bless.